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I am not sure your finances, I would sell moms home to cover the cost of a facility for her, and then you and your wife figure out a place for you to live, go on an amazing vacation and let go of mom problems for a time being.
As for your mom, liver deaseas really effect a persons personality. Let her eat what she wants, she isn't going to be her forever. It does not sound like there is any reason to fight moms neglectful behavior at this point.
I truly do not blame you for not being a donner, but with that being said, let go of your anger over mom not taking care of herself. We all do damaging things to are bodies that we shouldn't do, and honestly I don't believe it should be judged.
Best of luck
This situation is toxic for all involved and needs to end now, but only you and your wife can make the necessary changes to improve things, and I believe that you know deep down in your heart that that means moving out and moving on without your mom.
Now that doesn't mean that you still can't be her advocate if you so choose, but other than that I would stay as far away from her as possible.
Your mom can hire any help she may need if she chooses to stay in her home with full-time help, as far as someone taking her to the doctor and such, and she can have her medications delivered.
So make a plan today, so that you can have a better tomorrow.
I am afraid that you have painted yourself into a bit of a corner here in selling your own home and moving in with her. But if you have saved money in cost of mortgage payments and rental, and if you had any equity at all in your home, you may be in decent shape to move.
I would explain to your mother that living together is not working for you and your wife, and that you will be leaving. Let her know that the time she can live alone in her own home is likely very limited and that you will help her arrange to move into care.
I would never have made the move you did for ANY reason. I was an RN and if that taught me nothing else it DID teach me I would not ever be able to do 24/7 care for anyone, no matter the love I had for that person.
Time to be honest. Come to what you will say first with your wife, and then sit down and explain it. Don't expect acceptance. She will rage and she will mourn; if the end of our life in illness and loss isn't worth rage and mourning then nothing is.
I doubt that ultimately your mother will be able to do transplant. We have members here whose spouses did it and it takes a village in one family to see it through and great dedication and perserverance to say nothing of great courage on the part of the person opting for this.
I know this because my husband needed a liver transplant and all of his children were willing to donate a portion of their liver. But a portion isn't what's needed with cirrhosis.
Get mom placed in managed care now so you can move on with your own life instead of dealing with moms issues any longer.
Ask her doctor if he feels she is ready for Hospice, if done in the home you will be the main carers but will have an aide 2 or 3x a week for bathing. A nurse to check on her 1x a week. You have morphine for her pain. You can place her in a facility on her dime or Medicaid. I would get a DNR thru her doctor while she is lucid.
There won’t be a transplant, and this WILL kill her, so you’re basically throwing away your life for a glorified corpse. She needs to be in a facility.
My mother, who is 81, has had liver disease for 20+ years. It’s now cirrhosis. Several years ago we were told a transplant was not feasible. No way will your mom have that option.
Go back to your life. Tell your mother her choice is a nursing home or a homeless shelter.
OP should have a talk with mom and see where she stands on dying (because she is dying) and what will happen when she doesn’t qualify for a liver transplant.
OP your mom is terminal. I assume you recognize that. Hospice is where she needs to be.
How much does she weigh?
I would also suggest that she be evaluated by Hospice, with the Hospice Team she will have support and help with pain, discomfort.
If she can care for herself Hospice will not require a fulltime caregiver but when it gets to the point they think she is unsafe by herself then they will tell her she needs a caregiver. This could be a caregiver she hires or there is the possibility that AL or Skilled Nursing would be an option. But you and your wife do not have to put yourselves in the role of caregiver.
Set up home care or get mom in a nursing home before you leave her home.
I agree with all the other posters here.
Start making arrangements for others to care for your mother, and for you and your wife to move out and start rebuilding your lives.
Detach from your mother and any expectations of gratitude or a healthy relationship with her. Do what you have to to see she is cared for by others and also do what you have to to see your and your wife's needs are met. You both deserve better.
I agree that you and your wife need to move out of your mother's house. I hope you and your wife saved your money from the sale of your home! It's a tough real estate market out there right now for both buyers and renters.
You need to figure out what your mother can afford and go from there.
Where they will discriminate is regarding the presence of family. If there isn’t any living with her, whatever chances she has craters.