Mom has dementia. Had her take a professional driving test in Jan. Had to wait 2 months and pay over $400 and she passed! Any advice?

vadaughter, take Mom's can into the shop to be repaired but make "therapeutic fibs" saying why it is taking so long to return the car. Like "the shop had to order parts and the parts are on back order".

Remember, any time we take away something from our parent, we need to replace it with something else.

Thus, set up a transportation service for your Mom. Or tell Mom you will be available on such and such days to take her where ever she wishes to go. Make sure you set boundaries. I didn't with my parents, and it seemed like they wanted to leave their house 2-3 times a day. Not easy when one works full-time :(

Yikes! Whose idea was it that Mom should take a driving test and pay $400 to pass? Were you intimidated by her into agreeing to this? This is what terrifies me when my children are out on the road with my precious grandchildren in the cars.

You need to backpeddle and become an accomplished teller of the Therapeutic Fib. Don’t leave the keys out where she can get them. Disable the car somehow (a mechanic can tell you how) for back-up security. It’s not easy to take away their independence, but for the safety of others on the road, it’s necessary.

My mom gave up her car voluntarily after a fender bender that wasn’t even her fault. I took her shopping and to appointments about twice a week. It wasn’t overwhelming. If anything, it encouraged her to join in the activities at her Senior Apartment. She also had access to the Community Transport. It really wasn’t the end of the world.

I agree with FF. Move the car and tell,her it’s in the shop. And just keep making excuses, don’t have the parts etc. This lady cannot be out on the road.  There is no harm in fibbing. You  won’t be able to reason with her.

And yes, you’ll have to figure a way for her to get around. That may be the harder part.

I went through this with my dad. He could still handle the car safely but was forgetting how to find places. And he would make several short trips each day to the store, go out get gas, then go to the hardware.......Each trip an adventure in getting lost and confused.

I disabled his car by pulling the starter relay. Very easy to do. Then finally got he and mom in assisted living. He spent every day looking for his car. It took weeks for him to adjust.

I am so sorry to hear this about your Mom. I faced the same dilemma earlier this year. Mom is 91 and was still driving even after doctors had said you really shouldn’t be driving any longer. She claims she never heard any of her doctors tell her to stop driving. I have been driving her to her doctors appointments for several years now since she would not remember what was said during exam/appointment and I am happy to do so. However, after she accidentally overdosed on pain medication, I took it upon myself to take away all of her car keys, even the spare in the hidden spot. She was furious with me but I stood my ground. I reminded her of the minor fender bender she had several years ago in a parking lot (not at all her fault) and just how it affected her and made her nervous to drive. I reiterated that I just wanted her to not worry about driving and that she is safe. There are so many options these days - Uber, Lyft, GoGoGrandparent, and various other car transportation services available. You might set it up for her, take a couple of rides with her to she how she does. This way if you aren’t available to drive her she has other options. She’s now moving into a continuing care facility and they have transportation services available which is included in the monthly fee. I hope this info helps. Good luck to you.

We had a patient that pulled out of our drive and almost got hit. Her son was told about it. He took her to DMV and claims she was tested and OK. Yeh, maybe then but Dementia doesn't work like that. She went to Church with me and couldn't park her car right. If she doesn't remember these accidents, did she hit someone's car and left the scene? Scary. My Moms doctor sat right in front of her looked her right in the eye and said, no driving.

My aunt was 92 at the time she got into her car going to the store and drove from Indianapolis to IL. She didn't know why she was in IL. Someone called my cousin and he drove to IL and picked her. You have to be firm with her and stand your grounds even though she might get upset with you. Things could be worst so you don't want to take a chance like that.

Catch 22 Parent should not drive but can't totally trust other modes to get around either.

In most states a medium to moderate cognitive impairment invalidates a drivers license. Check your state DMV. 

We are going through this now. The Dr. Can notify DMV to revoke driver's license. Mom's doc sent her to OCC therapy for driver's test. After cognitive testing they wouldn't even let her get in their car. BUT, weeks later, still waiting on doc to receive report and then notify DMV. Sigh. My daughter and I tried to disconnect the battery yesterday but couldn't. Mom is hiding her keys. My brother won't get involved. In talking with others, families find it near impossible to get someone's license taken. All the official channels drop the ball or pass the buck.

Trying to set up disability transport and hope to get her to visit senior center. They will transport her. She is 86. 

My MIL was told by many doctors not to drive yet she says she can do it just fine. She doesn't drive in the winter and hadn't driven for months. My husband just told her he was taking her car and she was furious.

Now my husband had been diagnosed with Moderate Dementia and will be taking a driving OT exam that lasts an hour and a half at the VA Medical Center. He told me that they should not tell him he can't drive.
However he rarely has driven after his stroke last year.

The transportation of MIL is hard as she is out in the rural countryside. Moving into town would be a solution but it would be rather disruptive.
Two months after we took the car, she still asks for it once in a while but has gotten used to other transportation.

When the DMV reissues drivers licenses to these older individuals they should be held accountable for any and all accidents. My mother was still driving at 94. She would get lost all the time and her car was getting dented and scratched. We had to take her license away and it was sheer hell. She was furious and kept insisting that the tester who took her out several years ago told her she was a perfect drivier. The problem is that they get their licenses reissued. I’m sorry but at about 82 every individual should have an on the road test every year and they should be firm about safety. I would argue with my mother and she would insist she was not going to stop driving. Even when I told her she could have an accident and hurt or kill an innocent person, she was appalled that I even would say such a thing.
I know they want their independence. This is a wake up call to the world that senior drivers are in need of transportation help. It is NEEDED!

I also had a problem with my husband when it was no longer safe for him to drive. When he was officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's, his neurologist told him that he would hope he would no longer drive. My husband kept telling me that he didn't know why his doctor told him he could no longer drive. Each time he brought it up, I explained to him that it is the law that says he can no longer drive. Because if I let him drive, knowing his health conditions, and he has an accident and either kills or badly injures someone, I would be taken to jail and he would have to find someone to continue caring for him. I told him to just sit back and brag to everyone that he had his very own private driver to take him wherever he wanted to go. I had to remind him of this very often but it helped ease his mind as to why he shouldn't/couldn't drive anymore. My sweet husband was laid to rest this past Friday and is missed terribly but I know that he is with our Jesus and no longer suffering from all the health issues he had.

My mom had her license revoked after a local law enforcement officer observed her driving and wrote to the state. We didn't even realize how bad the problem was (she was very independent). She had to take the tests again (passed the written, failed the driving twice) and was mad at him instead of us. Her next option was to take drivers ed (she never did). She was humiliated and mad, but that was better than causing a serious accident.

Wow, am surprised that other states do not follow CA lead: when my mom was put  on med for dementia, the doctor had to report and her license was revoked immediately. Easy. 
Not sure about other states, but in AZ, when we moved my 90 y-o dad here, they did not give him any driving test except eye exam. How stupid! 
He finally agreed to give up car here as AL has transport, he did not know his way around, and we offered to help. He had been driving less and less (including not getting mom some medical care cuz they were out of a comfortable driving range) and insurance kept going up making it foolish to keep car. 

Mom got a case of the shingles. That was my opportunity to transition her to using the council on aging van and me for transportation. Over time, she adjusted and I think she felt relieved. During that window of opportunity, I collected her keys and put them in a safe place. Just know that if your loved one has memory issues and that more than one older adult drove the vehicle that there could be multiple copies of the car keys. So far, I have found six!

It seems that people who have driven for decades have the skill deeply embedded in their brain therefore they can pass a driving test but not be able to find the car in the parking lot to go home - you don't question that she knows how to go to the toilet, take a bath, unlock the front door etc but they are all life skills that she had to learn as is driving - they is so automatic that we forget we actually learned them a long time ago & they are so deeply ingrained in us that we do them without thinking - someone who has driven for 60 years [that's 16 to 76] also does much of it routinely

VADAUGHTER,
My stepfather's drivers license would have had to be renewed this Dec, before we had to place he and Mom in an assisted living group home, but we had taken both to the doctor in April for their 'mental' exams.
All you need is a letter from the doctor stating her mental/physical conditions; hand it over to the DMV and then they can take her drivers license away. It would have been easier if you had it before she took her test.
Since it is obvious that she has had a few accidents since, get the police report to backup the reason her license needs to be taken from her. Will she be upset, yes; you have a cover since it will be the DMV that takes it away from her, she can't argue since it is the State government.
My Mother realized on her own a few years back she could not drive any longer...thank God. My step-father on the other hand, he would get upset if any of us told him we would chauffer (those of us who would do this all live out of State). After he got into the car and saw that he could just look around, give directions (never argued with him, had to give him some authority) he would say every single time, "it's really nice to have a chauffer".
It was already agreed between the step-siblings/me that he would take his driving test (the road test, we would make sure), give all of the necessary paperwork to the DMV person for a heads up and then it wouldn't be an issue. I'm sure he would have thrown a major fit (Alzheimer's does that), but he wouldn't be able to do any thing about it.
PROBLEM SOLVED

Stop feeling guilty and take the darn keys away. Can say the keys got misplaced or disable the car.
You have a bigger responsibility to OTHER DRIVERS out on the road who don't want their children or themselves killed! What if the aging parent pulls out in front of a car, or drives in the wrong lane?
Guilt shouldn't over ride common sense.

My late husband, who had vascular dementia, lost a lot of his depth perception ability and sense of direction. He managed to hire a man at the VA (no connection as my husband was never in the armed services) to give him "driving lessons." The driving instructor passed him to drive at no more than 25 mph, distances less than 5 miles, and only right hand turns." He used this information to drive from the independent living facility we were then in to get hair and nail services. Fortunately he had no accidents then (although he had had two and gotten lost before we moved from Atlanta to Memphis to be near our children). As his TIA attacks increased, he lost interest in driving--until he had the stroke that killed him. In the ER, he kept saying, "I have to be able to drive.." I think that shows how important the feeling of independence that comes from driving is. The new driverless cars aren't going to come along in time for us, but maybe that's the answer to a lot of driving problems!

I went through some of what you are going through with your mother. My mother who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's didn't renew her license, but she already had a valid driver license and insisted on driving. She would get lost plus driving over curbs, trouble parking and trouble pulling into garage even though it was a double car garage and they only had one vehicle. You can do the same thing, but if she has Alzheimer's or dementia she isn't going to remember her license is revoked. You really are doing this for you in case she does drive and is stopped by police. However, you will need to have a written letter from her doctor, we had one from the neurologist that diagnosed my mom with Alzheimer's to go through the process of having her license revoked.

I contacted State of Michigan and told them she should not be driving and her license needed to be revoked. They told me what form to get online and fill out and send in along with copy of doctor's letter stating that she should not be driving and the reason. Did that and not too long after all documents sent in she received a letter from State of Michigan Department of Motor Vehicles that were revoking (cancelling) her driver license.

Enough my mother still insisted on driving I figured if she did drive and was stopped by police they would checked her drivers license and see that it had been revoked and they would not let her drive and take to police station and I would gladly go pick her up. I finally got so tired of listening to her "I can drive" my brother and I devised a plan to take away her car. At first we hid the car keys, but that just seem to make matters worse because she could still see the vehicle, so my brother took her car to his house and when my mother asked where is my car we would tell her "mom remember you let ==== borrow your car, because his is in the shop and they had to order parts and since he has a foreign car it is taking longer". My mom would then say "oh yes. I do remember that". "I just wish they would hurry up and get his car fixed". Well that went on for 2 years same question and same little white lie. After awhile she just quit asking or saying anything about her vehicle.


For us taking her car away was a huge stress reliever of not having to worry at times that she could get into the car and leave if we were down stairs doing laundry or outside doing yard work. For us revoking the license, with finally removing the car worked out very well.

My father's driving skills had degraded slowly over the years and, even when he was in his 70s, were downright scary to the point I refused to get into a car with him. I had been trying, unsuccessfully, for a number of years to get him to give up his driver's license and use any of the dial-a-rides in his city. But, he refused because he didn't want to lose his independence. Because he had macular degeneration, my mom did most of the driving until dementia set in for her. I don't live in the same state where my parents lived (both are now deceased). After receiving a call from my mother's care manager about my then 87 year old father's horrendous and downright scary driving "skills" and the fact that my father couldn't stay in one lane and had almost been engaged in a head-on crash, I contacted his primary care dr, told him what was happening, and he (dr) very willingly contacted (including a written letter) the DMV in my parents' state advising that my father was a danger behind the wheel. The DMV suspended my father's license until he had retaken the road test. He was also required to have an eye test in addition to the road test. He didn't pass the eye test at the DMV, and was told to go to his eye dr for retesting and further eye examination, because his macular degeneration was impairing his vision. His eye dr did the eye exam (including test) and stupidly declared that my father's vision was fine for driving. Maybe my father paid the dr off-- who knows. The eye dr then wrote a note to the DMV stating that my father's eyesight was fine for driving, even with macular degeneration. Fortunately, he failed the road test and his driver's license was permanently revoked. And, he had the sense not to try to drive on a revoked license, so sold his car soon after failing the test. While he mainly used dial-a-ride services in his city, he also at times had people drive him places. It helps when your parent's doctor is on your side and willing to go the extra mile.

My suggestion, is to use a dial-a-ride service. Many of them offer a ride pass card (you pay by the month or maybe for 3 months) which comes out to be less expensive per ride than if you pay each time you use the service. The nice thing is that if the person has a standing appointment, they can set up a schedule with the dial-a-ride company well in advance to be picked up each time, instead of having to call for each of those appointments. If your mom lives in a facility, often facilities have their own shuttle services, although they may not go every place she needs to go. But, if you can use the dial-a-ride services, even if only for the times you're not available to drive your mom, that could take alot of pressure off of you.

I also agree with what others in this thread have stated about taking your mom's car keys away (and all copies, as well). But, go one step further-- take the car, as well, and park it at your house, and use the fib suggested by various people in this thread. If this doesn't work and you can't get the car keys or car away from her, I suggest alerting the local police and giving them the car description and license plate number.

Good luck. Trying to get an elderly parent to give up their driver's license is a big challenge. Your mom, like my father was, is fighting to maintain her independence. And, driving means independence as we all know from when we first got our driver's licenses when we were teenagers.

Please do NOT let your mom continue to drive..........it's only a matter of time before she kills someone or herself...what a weight on you that will be to carry around. The doctor can get a form that the DMV will use to revoke her driving privileges. We had to keep telling my M-I-L that she lost her keys so she couldn't drive.

A health aide or home companion could solve the problems of letting a person go unattended only to get lost and not know where the transportation pick-up place is.

The doctors in California notified the Department of Health that my father had dementia. The Department of Health notified the DMV, and they sent a letter stating that my father had to go in to have a behind the wheel test by a given date or his license would be suspended. I didn't take my father for the test because with my luck, he would have passed. I decided to make one of the hardest decisions I have yet to make and that was to take his keys away. At first, I just told him that he had them last and I didn't know where they were. I finally got brave enough to tell him that I took his keys away. He was, and still is, so very angry. He tells people that I used to be his favorite and that we were very close until SHE TOOK MY KEYS AWAY. He reminds me that he is the father and those are his cars. I remind him that I could never live with myself if he were to harm someone while driving a car and I know that he is not a safe driver anymore. They would have to arrest me. He keeps quiet for a while...until the next time. Good luck. It's not easy, I know. Also, I now add that the state of California suspended his license and so I have to keep his keys.

Ahh, for the good old days of distributors. Loosen the wire from the coil to the distributor cap and the engine turns over, but gets no spark. I am sure there is a modern link to the electronics that is similar, and your mechanic will know. Figuring out the alternative transportation is huge, and dementia gets lost there, too. Good luck. Home Health carers in my area often provide transport, much to our relief.

I told my father he could only drive the car with another person in it, and since no one else would go with him, that left me. We hid the keys. For a short time, I would ask him if he wanted to drive when we went someplace in his car but mostly I took him in my car, until he decided I should drive. Then he gave his car to my sister who lives in another state. He still obsesses about it but doesn't recognize it when she comes to visit. He no longer recognizes most places, so I am very glad we took the keys away when we did. He barely passed the eye exam to get his last license and his doctor told him he should pass on the driving to someone else. The last time he drove, he drove past the exit to my house and would have kept going except he had a stroke and was smart enough to pull over into a parking lot, where the owner called 911. I tell him, "You wouldn't want to hurt anyone, would you?"

Before he gave up his car, my father didn't drive it for months and then the battery was dead when he wanted to go somewhere. He would call AAA and tell them he needed a new battery - he didn't. Finally the fellow figured it out.

Hide her keys

NOT a good idea. Driving should absolutely not be an option.