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As I read these stories and accounts it’s as if I’m reading about my own situation. Only it’s my mother in law with Dementia. The narcissistic personality, the crazy accusations, the threats are all there. The attacks however are only directed at me, not my husband or children. They are as good as gold in her eyes. It has been a great comfort to see I’m not alone in this struggle.
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I have had 20 years of therapy and still find myself hearing that inner voice that I am not good enough. I am the sole caregiver of my narcissistic mother. The only "cure" I have found is being with sane,civil people.
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My mother's neighbor called Adult Protective Services on me (she had dementia too). I (supposedly) "picked her up, threw her on the floor and stole her medication." That's what mother told everyone I did.

APS came out to her apartment twice. There was no sign of any bodily harm and her pain pills were sitting on the coffee table. When the lady pointed it out to my mother that the pills were right in front of her, mother said I must have put them back!

I was NEVER even notified about any of this. I found out by the senior apt. manager. I called APS and asked why I was never notified. They said they could see there was no abuse and that mother had a dementia problem and they don't have the time to notify everyone!

Wouldn't you think they would like to notify the next of kin about this "dementia" episode?
I had to put her in a memory care facility within a month.
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OH HELL NO!

She's out to get you and the law doesn't have time to sort through every charge.
In this case, because she's an ELDER, it's your fault, whether it is or not.

Stay away to save your reputation.
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Treeside - NO, NO, NO. Sounds like she has mental/dementia problems, but if she actually reported you to the police, that is your warning. She will do it again and you could find yourself in a lot of trouble - I know, it's lies, but unfortunately innocence is not a sure protection. And there have been cases where even if you were completely exonerated, the record could cause trouble. This is an area where the law is not up to speed and therefore you cannot count on your innocence. If she is in the hospital, explain to the discharge planner that she cannot come to your home. PERIOD. The social worker must find her a place. If she is mentally ill, or demented, she needs professional care; if this is just mom being nasty, then by no means take a chance. She did it once, she'll do it again.
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All of the blogs has been very helpful. My mom accused me of poisoning her and her food and she said I was stealing her Meat for gasoline in the car. She called the police and made a report at the hospital and now they have a diagnosis code as elderly mistreatment. Now she texted me to come back to my home and she said the detective said next time it won't be paper it will be a charge but I don't know against who. .. Should I allow her back into my home ?
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C
cherokeegrrl54 May 2019
NO DO NOT EVER ALLOW HER TO COME BACK TO YOUR HOME!!!! You have to realize its you she’s speaking of that will be charged with elder abuse!!!! Please do not do this to yourself! You cannot help her. Please help yourself and dont have ANY contact with her.....so sad....
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As an update to my original post, the car dealer admitted the post card saying she’d won money was cooersive in getting her into dealership. Her bank initiated a state elder abuse report, we filed a police rpt long story short the deal was resolved.
AmberA I completely agree and have recused myself as her POA to her younger sister who she actually listens to.
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Typically, survivors of abuse make less-than-ideal caregivers for those who abused them. A child may be at the mercy of an abusive parent, but an adult survivor has options. Honoring one's parents means living a life of integrity, not enduring abuse. There's no honor in being a convenient punching bag for your parent. Get away; far away. Arrange for someone else to care for the aging, narcissistic parent. A leopard never changes their spots, nor will the narcissist. With the added "insults" of aging and dementia, the narcissist only gets worse.

The only peace I ever got was through self-care, i.e., very limited contact. I realized no one would save me but myself; not even God. But God gave me the strength and self-esteem to distance myself from those who would hurt me. The rest of the world may judge, but so what? What do they know?
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My Mother is also suffering with dementia and has a narcissistic personality. She has no filter. If a thought runs across her mind it comes out of her mouth. She bosses everyone and strongly believes her way is right and that she can't be wrong. I knew as a child she wasn't like other mothers but didn't understand why. I am the eldest of four. I have spent my life trying to win her love and approval. I have accepted the fact that she won't change because change requires you to acknowledge you are wrong. She offends people she sees on a regular basis, but those who meet her a few times think she is quirky. I have moved her into my home for 4 months and don't have a life anymore. She has a tendency to fall so she can't be left alone. I have prayed that God would soften her heart toward me and there is a change in her. She says thank you and please now when I do things for her, but still will fall back on occasion. I keep telling myself not to take it personally anymore and just love her and be kind. It is hard but that is what Jesus calls us to do. God does answer prays when they are pure. He answers them in His time not ours. Her doctor recommended palliative care and she has been on it for about a month. I hope you find a peace that will sustain you.
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Meck, I can actually feel your anger. Holding onto anger against anyone is so toxic. It can consume you and take on a life of its own. Your mother and daughter are what they are and you can't change them. I found that asking God to release me from the anger and replace it with forgiveness was my answer. I hope you find relief soon.
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Yes I am ! I’ve no contact with my mother for the way she’s treated me all my life. I have however made all the arrangements for her health care and in home care. They are doing s great job and I don’t have to be in direct contact with her any more. The end.
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Well,very informative to read about the many facets of NPD in seniors. I imagine my mom hid hers well during her independent days but now as she is 94 the true personality enveloped in an aged brain comes steam-rolling out. Her bronchitis progressively worsened Christmas day until we took her to the ER and she was admitted. Only after she asked to be buried in her new Christmas dress...her death was the late afternoon chat Christmas day. Today As I visited her at the hospital and asked her to show appreciation to the kitchen staff rather than complain. She announced I had made her sicker and I should return when I wasn’t in one of those moods.
It’s nice to vent and see where others are caring for ‘the difficult one!’
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jolanda and jamie - the narcissistic personality is very difficult to deal with. My mother has BPD and is narcissistic. Then she developed vascular dementia. I have PTSD from childhood treatment up and it was beyond a circus for a while dealing with her and trying to get her the help she needed. They don't take responsibility and want to be the center of the universe. ((((((hugs))))) I understand.

LVKDRA - it is the life long narcissism which is so damaging. It is an illness too. One has to protect oneself but the child cannot get away. I have forgiven, but that does not heal the scars from a lifetime of emotional and verbal abuse and rages. Dementia just adds another layer of stuff to deal with. It certainly is important to take breaks when we can.
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One has to remember that they are not in their right mind. Their synapses are not working correctly. They may be awful, and some of it may be their own personality is overwhelming even to themselves. Forgive and forget the little traumas that they throw at you. Develop a 'duck's back' - let the curses run off like water - become impervious to the slander & insults. Yes, it is difficult & hurtful, but ask yourself if your mind was in such bad condition, would you know how to act ? When it could be that every other moment is a blank or a confusion, what would you do. The human tends to react to memory lapses in a very strange way. They become defensive, can be spiteful just because their thoughts are so scrambled they do not know what they are doing. It is important to take breaks from them, as many as possible so that you do not become reactive either.
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It’s so hard to see my mother struggle every day with late stage Alzheimer’s especially when my mother in law is a self serving narcissist. It’s always about her. She’ll fake illnesses and call 911. She’s mean and rude. She pretends illness whenever one of goes on vacation. She gossips about all of us to each other and tries to start problems. It’s so hard to live a normal life. When I was pregnant it was the worst. She would constantly get mad over stupid stuff. It was like she didn’t want the attention off of herself. I can’t handle it anymore while I have a loving caring sick mother who’s a saint.
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I feel for you all. My mom has Alzheimer’s and it’s so hard to see such a wonderful person struggle when my mother in law is very mean and a narcissist. When I introduced her 30 years ago to my parents prior to marrying my husband my dad asked if he was worth it due to her terrible behavior. She calls 911 constantly and especially when one of us goes on vacation. When my brother in law got married she said she was going to pass out right before the nuptials. We had to ignore her for his sake. But then she acted like a 2 year old and totally tried to ruin their wedding. My sister in law is struggling the most. She said it feels like the three of them are married. And my mother in law actually said he’s like a husband to her! Omg! Let your son have a life! Stop thinking about yourself by monopolizing every conversation and every situation.
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My mother lives with my brother and I go down to spend the night sometimes, if she lets me. She has put me out the house a couple of times without a reason. Even though she lives with my brother, I try to keep him from getting involved when she does it, because when he does, it gets worst. My mother has a narcissistic personality with meaness that is very challenging too. I agree with what you said about dementia, it's like throwing gasoline on a fire. I understand my fellow caregiver. I have been trying to give my brother a break and have our mother come home with me sometimes because I live about forty miles from them but she refused. I don't know if she's afraid I want bring her back or she can't do the same things at my house that she does at his. She has practically ruined his home from her hoarding, pouring water and soda on the floor and vents along with a lot of other things. It's six siblings but it just my baby brother and I. It was the same before my father passed in 2001, just my brother and I. You are not alone. This is such a great site to come to.
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Why don't people realize that dementia and narcistic people will destroy YOU and everything around you. They are what they are and NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE THEM, NOT EVEN GOD. Forget how nice or whatever they were before, this is how they are now. There is nothing anywhere that says once they become like this that you must care for them. Put them somewhere. If finances are a problem, there is help out there and they can be placed. DO NOT PUT UP WITH THIS - EVER - NO MATTER WHO IT IS OR THE CIRCUMSTANCES.
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She probably has regressed mentally to when she was younger. When she explored and found out how well it felt. Don't make a big issue of it just explain that it is something you do in the privacy of your own bedroom. My mother did the same thing I was told by her doctor that it helps her relax so let her do it but not in public.
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If you are dealing with dementia and an abusive personality, WHY ARE Y O U PUTTING UP WITH IT? No matter what the past history is, if you are caring for someone like this, then STOP TAKING CARE OF THEM. They do not deserve your care and should be placed somewhere. Even if you don't have money, there are ways to accomplish this. You do not and should not ever, under any circumstances, allow this.
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If you are dealing with dementia and an abusive personality, WHY ARE Y O U PUTTING UP WITH IT? No matter what the past history is, if you are caring for someone like this, then STOP TAKING CARE OF THEM. They do not deserve your care and should be placed somewhere. Even if you don't have money, there are ways to accomplish this. You do not and should not ever, under any circumstances, allow this.
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Diana,
Please don't turn your back on therapy. All therapists aren't like the one you went to. Give it another chance. Get an older female therapist, if available.
1. Have you thought about calling Adult Protective Services? They could assess how safe you (and he) are in the home (boat) and make a recommendation. At least your call would be documented on file if things got worse.

2. You could talk to his doctor (alone), detailing the problems he has and how you fear for your safety. Also, discuss the medications he takes (or doesn't take) with him. Maybe he could be helped with an anti-anxiety or antipsychotic drug. Does he have a psychiatrist? If so, Discuss the different mental diseases he has and how they are affecting him (and you!) Ask to speak to the doctor personally. Do not leave a message. Go see him face to face if necessary. Is he on meds for ALL of his psychiatric problems?

3. Do you have a neighbor or friend that you can turn to in an emergency? Get that set up "just in case" of (what you described as) "dangerous impulsive actions". You have to have an emergency plan.

4. Speak to an elder law attorney to find out what your rights are. If you get one connected with a senior center, often times their consultation is free or only a small donation.

5. Do you have religious clergy you could go to? (Priest, pastor, rabbi, Imam, etc.) Usually religious organizations are equipped to assist people in need.

6. Call a local hospital and ask to speak to a social worker. They have tons of information and referrals for situations like this.

Your situation sounds potentially serious. His end stage renal failure could be what's causing some of the bizarre behavior too, due to toxic waste buildup. Does he go for dialysis? If not, make sure he gets his blood checked for toxic levels of waste.

If you feel you are in danger, don't hesitate to call police immediately if he threatens you. Your safety is of the utmost importance.
Please get back to us soon about your situation.
You have people in the same "boat" here who can help.
Good luck and God bless.
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Have any of you read a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells? I too have a mother who is verbally abusive, always right & now is showing signs of Dementia....it will likely never be diagnosed as she refuses to see a Gerintologist. She HAS been diagnosed with a personality disorder...over 40 years ago. This book is helpful. Setting boundaries, detachment, saying no...
My mother is able to email (at age 88) and finally after up to 50 horrible emails a day, I have her emails going to my “junk” email which has helped me tremendously. I only visit once a week. I know that no matter what I do she will never appreciate it and I’m coming to terms with that. I would NEVER move her into my home. She is in a Retirement Residence & not happy about being there but I deserve a life too...and not one like hers. I’m still reading, trying new approaches, forcing myself to visit only once a week & understanding that the Retirement Residence (we put her in...& she hates) will call if she is ill or falls. It is independent living but she is served meals & has a lifeline on her wrist to call for help should she need it. I was going crazy until I started making changes...she is nasty about everything but none of us owe our lives to our mothers if we are miserable because of their behaviour. It has taken time & therapy for me to get to this point, believe me. But gradually I am taking my life back and the joy & happiness I ALLOWED her to steal away from me. Hugs to you ALL 🤗 This is a terrible thing to go through but only YOU can look after yourself & take your life back. You are NOT deserting her....she is going to be the same no matter what you do. So give yourself the gift of a little peace. And read Stop Walking on Eggshells.
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If you don't already have POA try and get him to give it to you. It does sound as though he has so many problems he may not last very long. Will he take any medications prescribed.
One way or another he needs to be instutionized probably in memory care which he will never agree to.
His behavior outside the home is typical of dementia and is called "showtimeing"
You are clearly being abused but as you say can't afford to move.. If he is physically abusive be sure to get pictures of your injuries. Can you find a support group for abused wives? The facilitators will know of all the services available to you.
Don't give up on therapists. make it clear that this is a first visit to see if the two of you can get along. Be very proactive and put your expectations out on the table. if they are not met get up and leave. Remember you are the customer and paying their fee. you may go through a number of therapists before you find a good match but keep trying.
If you think he is alcoholic try going to alanon meetings for spouses, you may find support there and good suggestions. Many other people are in similar situations so I am sure you will get other replies. Blessings
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Wow, I am not alone! I am so sorry for all of us. In my case, I am 59 and it is my 71 year old husband of 7 years who is exhibiting dementia behaviors. So far, the diagnoses are Autism Spectrum Disorder, Schizoid, Narcissistic, ADHD, Short Term Memory Loss, and maybe Bipolar. The behaviors are habitual lying, confabulation, lack of connection, avoidance of all responsibilities, dangerous impulsive actions, looking great outside of the house, and inappropriately relating to other women. I cannot leave if I do not wish to be homeless. I am inundated with work as we are two people and 4 pets on a boat. I have to do it all. He is progressively unclean. He is angry and vindictive. He gives false stories to police. I have to be a Stepford wife at all times if I do not want him to put me in jail, no joke. He has turned my family and friends against me. They think he is wonderful. He is getting crazier than a bedbug. Stage 4 chronic renal failure, has had 5 vessel heart bypass, abd. aortic aneurysm repair brought on by refusal to see doctors or take his medications post open heart surgery. Psychological and neurological testing shows he is not ok, but falls short of the dementia diagnosis. But it is dementia in action and effect. Are there any spouses out there going through this and afraid of what further damage their spouse can do to them? I have no support from anyone. I have given up trying to get any except for this post. The last therapist I tried to talk to accused me of being negative and discounted my situation. This made me feel I do not dare to look for support anywhere.
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AT1234 I am sorry to not have any answer except to get a good elder law attorney. Your mom likely was coerced, as that is easy for salespeople to do to older folks. Go to the bottom of this page where it says Elder Law Attorneys. Don't fork out your Money!!! But Mom does need help and as her POA you may be able to help her that way. Hoping someone with a lot more experience and great advice chimes in here!!! Lots of Hugs!!
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Wow, I needed to hear these! My 82 y/o mom is blind in one eye has less than 40% in the other and has NPD. She demands to be independent while being totally needy and dependent!
I’ve just learned my mother purchased a new vehicle and has had it hid in her garage. We were out of town for Thanksgiving, and found out she actually purchased it two days before we left. Downpayment check has cleared, loan papers were signed, and now she’s claiming she was hustled and wants me to get an attorney! She lives alone, and already has a excellent car. I have POA, but she is not incompetent, I’m not sure what to do to help her now. Any advice would be appreciated.
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I believe every care giver deals with that an more...thats part of dealing with dementia. I have never in my life heard such hateful things my mom said to me, but most time it was about her. She didn't know anybody else exisited or didn't care. So for all that aren't up for it, it is placement time before you take on something that you can't handle. The best to you.💝
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Wow, I thought I was alone. Over 6 months ago I moved my mother to my home out of state to take care of her as her dementia worsened and medical professionals along with myself determined she could no longer live alone. For the past 9 years after my father’s passing my mother lived alone. She lived in isolation and seemed to like it that way. She began separating herself from people until three car accidents and the death of her dog. Her financial state was a mess! She couldn’t remember her passcodes any more and started charging up all her credit cards to the max. The interest kept compounding. I refinanced her home to eliminate her debt which amounted to half of the equity in her home. When I tried to find a memory care facility, they were out of her budget. I flew with her to my home to take care of her, biggest mistake of my life! She alienated herself from me and my family and my husaband and I had to remove her twice from care facilities because the cost of her care kept going up as she needed more and more assistance. Once we think her mental state is stabilized with medication, a new symptom comes up either as a side effect of the medication or her dementia. It’s a battle that never ends! Her health is surprisingly good while her mental state is declining. I feel as though my life is entirely consumed with her every need. My children feel my mother is taking away my life but I explain to them that it is the disease. My faith tells me that she is my mother and I must honor her. I hate this disease! There is no one answer or treatment, it sucks the life out of entire families financially, physically and emotionally.
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It is crucial you get her help from a dr . There are medications that can help and you do not have to go through this . It is hard enough without it .
Life with alzheimers is a good FB group for caretakers ,I am in it and I am a caretaker in private care who would not know nearly as much if it were not for the input of those who have been through it !
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