My 81-year-old mom has dementia and is narcissistic. Is anyone else dealing with this?

Both my parents were somewhat narcisstic. Aging issues can make this worse. Strong boundaries help. Please do not give up your life, daily routine and things that give you joy. Are there other siblings that can help? Possibly take Mom for a period of time and give you respite? Unfortunately you are a captive audience at this time. Hugs and prayers

Do a search on this topic on this site and you will get a wealth of information from tons of people dealing with a narcissistic parent. Yes those narcissistic personality disorders are challenging from afar as is, now in with you and mid stage dementia, it will bring new meaning to "challenging." If she is able to participate for a while at least at an adult day center this is helpful because she will be around people and if she loves to be the focus of attention it will take some of the load of you. Good luck.

You have come to the right "place" -- website -- for support in dealing with an aging narcissist. Your fellowtravelers are here with you, and here for you! Keep in close touch.

Oh how difficult this is. My sister has narcissistic personality disorder and dementia.The ONLY thing I have found that helps is this: The local Senior Center has a play reading once a month. My sister can read and act,(even tho she can't remember) and gets to be the center of attention at the play reading. So I get a few hours respite while she is there.

I have signed her up for other activities and classes, but if she's not the best in the class she doesn't like it She doesn't notice anyone else's needs or point of view. Sometimes it's funny, and it helps to laugh! Example: our hairdresser always has a bowl of candy out. My sister, who has always been slim and in the past watched her weight, eats every candy in the bowl without comment or apology. My hairdresser (a friend by now) prepares for our visit by limiting the number of expensive chocolates in the bowl.

All I can really offer here is a hug. My mother is the same way, if it's not concerning HER, it doesn't matter. Sometimes it makes me laugh, in my mind it's exactly the way a 2 year old would behave if not given their way.
She's got numerous health problems, including failing eyesight. She constantly offers me a flashlight to see things that SHE can't see, but that look perfectly normal to us. We even had to replace every overhead light in the house with a 150w bulb! (It's like a doctor's office in every room!)
Sometimes it's just exhausting. I'll make sure she has a snack, her phone and something on tv, then pull a fast retreat to my part of the house (a downstairs garage-turned-apartment) for a few hours to write or read or just play video games for a while.
She doesn't get along well with... well most anyone, so we haven't been able to get her to agree to "adult daycare" or classes or any of that, but she still loves TV, and she has a computer of her own that she can still use, so she does get enjoyment from that (and facebook. She's found a lot of old highschool friends on there and sends messages on occasion)

Perhaps that would work in your case as well? If you have the ability, and she would like it, set her up on facebook and find some of her old friends? Or if she doesn't like that, maybe she'd like to play games? There are thousands of simple, bright, colourful games that are just point and click!

My mother's dementia and her ugly negative narcissistic personality has spread to my children, her grandchildren. Specifically, my daughter who also has NPD. I couldn't stand it any longer and cut them both off completely. It has ruined my life. My daughter has just started having children so I don't see my grandchildren now. My mother is the cause of all of this family disharmony. I hate her so much. I have been angry and depressed for a long time, been in therapy and tried every single activity in the book to distract me from the nightmare but nothing works. I believe dementia is caused by heavy metal toxicity (lead and mercury) and we in this country need to force the medical community to research it more and set up detox clinics or we as a country are doomed!

My mother has always been somewhat of a narcissist and now has moderate dementia. It is depressing helping her because she not only doesn't appreciate my care, she takes every opportunity to tell completely fictional bad stories about me and my family to every one who will listen. I have tried to keep up my boundaries and do the right thing regardless of consequence. I have also lined my legal ducks in a row. My therapist said a wise thing in that I imagine all the craziness lives on a crazy planet which is separate from where I live. That way, I can deal with it without having to live in it.

I have tried to get her involved with people and activities but she does not like people and has given up the only thing she enjoyed, crocheting due to bad eyesight. I take her out shopping and to the park and she has a health aid that takes her out to eat and keeps her company during the day. I tell myself every day this is the best I can do and not to feel guilty, that she is lucky to have me in her life.

Greenie, it those stories that cut to the core, they hurt and make you just feel so crazy after all you do for them. The problem though I found out the hard way was these "stories" can become "others" truths and can land you in hot water. Been there done that and I refuse to give my life up and be placed in danger from her telling someone I am trying to poison her, kill her, not feed her, the list goes on, usually a story begins if I didn't make yet another cup of tea and donut for her upon her whim and desire, or not make her breakfast quick enough. No thanks mom, no can do no more,

It is amazing what others will believe when they don't know anything! What is worse is that I have a out of town sibling who wants all her money and goes around making up stories (and is a big narcissist too). I have many witnesses who see her frequently, including her doctor and PT, and can testify to what a good arrangement she has and how well I am taking care of her. Even if ordinary folks are gullible experts do know that people with dementia tend to make things up. Yes, it does hurt and it always did hurt in the past but for my own sanity I have to get past it. Rejecting my mother completely would only hurt more. Small pleasures with her such as the family eating together are the only things left and they will have to do.

Yes, and it is incredibly difficult. Since I am the only person willing to care for her, she has turned on me, and says terrible, false things and yells profanity and slams doors very hard, etc. She lives in her own home, can get around, but does not want any help (but needs it), which is only making things worse for her. I live an hour away and work full time, I try to keep tabs on her, don't know what I will do when she really can't live alone. I won't give up, but have had to step back because of her insults, false stories and unwillingness to accept help or direction. She does not care about my time, and if there is anything negative that happens in my life, she seems very gleeful about it. I won't give up, and am concerned about her, but the siblings won't help, the other neighbors are elderly, and her husband passed away. I understand that she may not be doing this on purpose, but it is still a very difficult situation.

You are hurt and they tell you to suck it up, it is the disease, and if you are ever deemed to hurt them they'll send you to jail, seems a bit odd to me.

If you have no support system, will Medicare pay for a PT home healthcare worker, at least during the week and you check on her weekends? If she has money but won't spend it, do you have a POA or can get guardianship to hire someone? If worse comes to worse, she may have to live in a facility and you may have to be the one to put her there.

This is for Catann - do not take her into your home! When the time comes - and it will- assisted living. I cannot tell you how I wish I had taken this option. Instead I moved in with my Mom and pretty much gave up any life that I had. The sibs were thrilled - got them off the hook. I now take care of an ungrateful, cheap money grubber who expects me to pay for everything because "I have free rent." I truly wish I had never put myself in this position. Think of your family and yourself first because no one else will. Good luck - stay strong.

Unfortunately it doesn't get better it gets worse. It's very hard to deal with someone who is only self aware, add mean and hateful to the mix and it's going to bring you down, way down. My mother is the same way. I tried keeping her home when my father passed and it was complete insanity. She ended up in a nursing home for medical reasons and we tried it at home a few more times only to have the same result. She was completey miserable in the nursing home and drove us nuts. By the grace of God we were able to get her into the nicest memory center I have ever seen. The staff are wonderful. Just got back from visiting her and she is again her negative, mean, nasty, self serving self. I actually found notes in her closet today saying When I die I want you kids to know how awful you have been.. I left there so angry, she was talking hateful about my deceased father who was nothing less than her servant. I feel your pain, I truly do. My advice for what it's worth would be to place her now sooner than later. If I had it to do all over again, I would have never, ever, lived with her and allowed her to beat me down emotionally , physically. I know that we are supposed to keep in mind it is the disease, but my thoughts are yea the disease intensifies it, but its always been this way and I cannot be responsible for her happiness, because she has never been and never will be happy no matter what I do. Good luck to you.

Oh wow. That is an awful thing to be facing. I recently brought my mom into my house to live. My boys (young adults) and I soon found ourselves in an intolerable situation of witnessing her daily tantrums, calling people cruel names, vying for constant attention and her constant wishing (out loud) about things like having a hurricane come and wipe us all out. All her life she has been a negative person who behaved like a 4 year old thinking she was the most important person in the room and all her little minor (self-induced) problems trumped every one else's real tragedies. I don't know if she has gotten worse or if I just became more hardened to her antics. I think it is a little of both. When she moved in to our home and cause so much stress, I decided to stop babying her childish demands: which made her even more viscous. When she realized she was not getting the attention she commanded she disowned me and my kids (verbally) and called the police to come get her. That was it for me. She is out of my home and I will never have her back. Social workers stepped in and helped her get her place back. She gets social security and will be okay. There are people who get paid to take care of people like her and I have resolved to let them do that. I have to look out for my and my family's well being. I don't feel guilty one bit about "abandoning" her and that is a big surprise to me: I brought her into my home because I thought it was the right thing to do as a daughter - to take care of my mom. And I was willing to sacrifice and do things for her because I love her. However there is a limit. My limit was reached when her actions and words started to erode my metal and spiritual well being.

I totally empathize with all of you. Some of you may have already read my posts, and know that mother is narcissistic AND Borderline Personality Disorder. It's so hard to be nice to a person who never thinks you do enough, no matter what you do for them. Even harder are the personal attacks, stories, and the fact that she has no friends because she can't get along with anyone. For me, pulling back has been a helpful tool for self preservation and my own sanity. Eventually she needs me for something again, and will be nice for a short while before the "real self" comes back. You have friends who understand here, and it is safe to vent your anger and sadness. Accepting that she will never change, because she thinks her way of thinking and behaving is right, has been the hardest thing. Giving up hope on the loving mother-daughter relationship has been so difficult for me. Take care of yourself.

Sweety.. I feel your pain and frustration. But my mother in law, who I am her caregiver, is narcissistic, always has been and now to top things off she is acting like she has dementia ( she does not have it, she has been tested 3 times). Her doctor says emphatically she does not have dementia. AND she has taken to going to the bathroom in her commode chair which is in her room because there was no other room for it. While in the bathroom she did not use the chair and said it was too high (yes we adjusted it several times). I pray for strength from God just to get through every day. Hang in there hun...Ive dealt with mine for 14 years and Im still here. Maybe a little bit loony but here lol Gotta laugh a little every day or go nuts lol

After leaving the memory center today I told my sister I needed a break from her for a couple of weeks. It's so hard because I work five minutes from the place and honestly would love to be able to stop by on my way home from work just to say hello.. and check in. But I don't because I know that I will be met with constant negativity and five or six new demands on what she needs. Sometimes its so hard to keep from telling them what they need to hear. But I never do because I know it doesn't do any good and I won't feel any better afterwards because I am not a mean spirited person like her. I pray for each and every one of you dealing with this personality on top of the dementia. God Bless you.

OMG, I read so many of these posts and in some ways feel better because I'm not alone in my misery I live with my narcissistic mentally unstable mother. She has lived with me for a bit over 4 years now and if I had to do it all over again, I would not have had her move in with me - or at least I would have made it temporary. I would have looked at other options at the onset. Now it is more difficult to deal with (moving her out of here after she and my siblings have all gotten quite comfortable with the situation). For anyone out there contemplating allowing your mentally unstable parent to move in with you - don't.

My mom is 89 does not have dementia but is extremely narcissistic. Nothing I do is enough. We (my husband and daughters) do everything for her and ask we get is criticism. If she wants something and we can't immediately get it for her (ex.candy bars at 10pm) she slams doors, yells, swears and tells us she wishes she was dead. We had to stop her from driving 2 years ago as she had 4 accidents and it was exceedingly dangerous plus insurance was threatening to cancel out policy. Every day she complains that she should be, able to drive. Sometimes it is just more than I can handle. None of my siblings will take her to live with them. Out of four of them one will take her for a visit once a year for a few weeks but that's it. I feel so guilty that I don't want to spend time with her and I have given up on ever having a loving mother daughter relationship. Sometimes I really wish I had never taken her into my home but she was losing gets and no one else would take her. There are so many nights that I just cry.

Big Vent but I need it: I've been a member for, well more than a few years now. I became a member to find support and some good ideas on how to deal with my narcissistic abusive dad and brother, they're just alike. Thank goodness for this site.

I knew where things were heading, and well now we're here. Back when I joined, I was helping my basically independent dad who was functionally illiterate, manage his life without my mom, who had passed from cancer. And learned quickly, the more I did, the more demanding he became, when I refused to do his laundry and grocery shopping for him when he was perfectly capable, he became very verbally abusive towards me, which continued off on over the last several years, I'm this, I'm that, I'm a liar, my husband is this and that. He's treated me like a lowly employee since my mom passed. He tried to use one little thing my mom wanted me to have as bait to get me to help him do things he was perfectly capable of, I didn't care, helped anyway where it was really necessary, knowing full well what he was doing. Thank God I'm not like him. And of course the less I did for dad, the more verbally abusive my brother got towards me because that meant he might actually have to do something to help.

Now dad has moderate dementia, it's bad enough he can't be left alone at all, and the bits of abusive behavior are coming out ten fold and aimed at me. I visited him this evening and he tried to hit me with the handle of walking cane, tried to swing it across my head. I've had enough. It's much like the many many vents I've read on here from others who have dealt with a parent like this. He said it was my fault he was sick, told my youngest daughter, "you don't know, you don't know what I know, what kind of person she is". For some reason the abuse is worse when I'm there with someone else, it's like he wants an audience and wants others to jump in and hassle me, I don't understand why. When he was in the hospital I'd be sitting in a chair against the wall, and one time the nurses were walking by and heard him yelling like someone was beating him and they saw me sitting there while he was yelling, they knew it wasn't me, but he was acting like I'd done something to him, and they put in his chart that he was violent and yelling and swinging at people, because of this I had a hard time finding any place that would take him when he had to leave the hospital. Tonight I took the cane from him and told him he couldn't have it if he's going to hit people with it. When I go to see him alone, he gives me a to do list basically of things to take care of around his house, and bills to pay and stuff to pick up at the store for him and do his laundry, anything he can think of, he even asked me to work on his gas well and mow his yard, gets mad when I put my own home first. He asks me what I did the day before, or that day when I go to visit him, and then says I'm lying about what I did the day before or that day, I didn't mow my yard, I didn't go by the post office, etc... It's crazy and frankly maddening for anyone to deal with.

The nursing home is planning on releasing him if they can get him to the point where he can go home, that's their goal, but I can tell they aren't sure they can get him there. They know I cannot live with him and he cannot live with me, they didn't even bring up my brother, who does not work, is not married, does not have kids, does nothing and is perfectly healthy. In the end, after the violent behavior I saw tonight, which frankly took me back to my childhood, I've decided it's done, he's staying, he'll go to assisted living, we'll call it transition to going home. He thinks he can hire some poor woman to basically live with him and take care of him 24/7, he can't, I'd have to do it for him if I could even find some poor woman willing to take his abuse, it's not going to happen. The family is scheduling a meeting this week, no one wants to take him in, everyone, even the brother would prefer to see him stay in nursing care, he can't live alone, and hiring help is not an option, also his house is not stable, foundation problems. Some family members feel it'll be condemned soon, it's looking like we all will be working together to pack up the house, put his personal belongings in storage, leave the house as is until it's officially condemned or falls into the ground. Do the spend down to Medicaid paying for his care until it's gone. I think once the brother finds out that dads assets are going to his nursing care, he'll disappear, and that's all the better. How many have found that once the problem sibling finds out there won't be anything for them to inherit, because it's going to a spend down for Medicaid towards the parents bills, they just walk away from the whole family? Anyway, very upset this evening, and ready to be done with this and live my life without the grief do to a hateful parent, I sound terrible, but there is no way I'm going to do this to myself anymore, I'm ready to move on.

What's sad to me is we are the loving daughters and we have to give up on ever having a loving mother daughter relationship, because we don't have loving mothers. My 27 year old daughter came down with my two grandchildren a few months ago for a weekend visit. My mother was in the nursing home I mentioned she was so unhappy in, she managed to destroy our visit by constantly calling and crying saying we put her there.. She was taken out of this house by ambulance keep in mind, we tried keeping her at home to no avail. My daughter decided to go to the nursing home and see her and try to remind her how bad we tried to keep her home. My daughter came home two hours later very upset and angry. She told my daughter that we have done nothing for her and when my daughter was leaving she told her you tell your mother I hope she dies before I do. My daughter was so shocked and hurt that she doesn't ever mention her grandmother anymore.. What an awful way to go out and have your grandchildren remember you. I was lucky to have a wonderful sister who is a nurse and my moms poa that lives nearby, she could never live with my mother because of her childhood issues with her but was a great support system for me and in the end as her poa made the decision that enough was enough. The funny thing is I blocked alot of my childhood, I don't have any real good memories of my mother only hurtful ones. I have alot of loving memories of my father , he was always patient and caring, always trying to right her wrongs. One example she was angry on christmas eve one year I was pretty young and she told all of her kids there was no santa clause. My dad tried to undo that but of course what was done was done.. Thank you for letting me share, it helps me alot and I hope it helps others to know they are not alone.

You all are so courageous I wish I had a real life support group made up of all of you. My mother neglected and abused me all of my life and at 78 is still doing it. I was brought up to "honor thy mother and thy father"...I believe God meant if they were of the chosen ones, the Jewish people that had good parents. I don't believe that I can "honor" my mother as there was so much neglect and abuse. Christ also said, "...who is my mother and brothers but those that believe in my Father in Heaven". It's so true. We each have individual free will choices to make and if our parent chooses to be mean spirited then they will have to make an accounting of it before our Creator. You think that they would realize that they are close to death that they should behave themselves before they go before the Creator but they don't. I do miss ever having a loving mother, terribly I miss it. I pray that in the next world we won't have to suffer like in this one. Courage to you all.

So glad to share this conversation. People with nonnarc parents thinks it's the disease, but that's just part of it. My mom is a covert narc ... manipulates by guilt.

I have read so many of the above stories and suspect that we all have the same mother! How can that be? The alienation my mother has caused against me with my siblings, my father and my one daughter is unbelievable. She never loved me, has told me blithely (she would never admit this because her comments are all 'look around and stick in the knife when no one else can see or hear it') that she never bonded with me when I was a baby and that my grandmother 'stole' me from her, but it is extremely important to her that she feels she controls the situation and it is highly important to her that people think well of her. She is small and I have had people tell me how 'cute' she is. If they only knew! She could win an Oscar with some of her performances! One time, visiting our house, she came unglued and had a tantrum about something in front of my husband and I could see she quickly assessed what she had just done. She went in her bedroom, fixed herself up and came back out and said to him "You must think I am a terrible person, but..." and he, being taken aback at the about face she just made and disliking the discomfort all of us felt at her behavior, dismissed it and more or less told her not to worry, he knew she wasn't a bad person, etc. Later he told me he could not believe how she could turn it off and on. And I told him "welcome to my world". He has had her number ever since. My dad has always coddled her, made light of her nastiness, made excuses and rewritten history. She has gotten away with murder all of her life. He is what you call an ENABLER. Big time. All five of us (my sibs) have said she isn't mentally right forever. We could all see it. Now, it seems the rest of them, who live nearby and are up close to it (I am not) have morphed into saying things like "I think she has dementia". My dad told me he thought Alzheimers a while ago. This is all said to make yet another excuse for her the way I see it. My two sisters are nurses and I am not, therefore my dad gives them credibility as if they were doctors! Plus, my parents have money and I can clearly see the element of that influencing the behavior. It is clear there is some consideration of the future 'payday' in mind. My role is to be her punching bag. My response has been to stay away. My mother stepped it up when I planned something special for my dad's 80th birthday - a cruise - and beforehand, called me and intentionally started a fight. I drew a very appropriate boundary and her response was to tell my dad that if I would not apologize to her (no body tells her what to do!) that she was not going. So he called me and said 'we have a problem'. He said I was disrespectful to her, which I wasn't. I just drew a boundary. He said that maybe they wouldn't go. I said that I was going, it was all paid for, and I was going to have a good time. I thought he should do the same. They went and she shunned me the entire week. Wouldn't eat at dinner if I was there. She was willing to put the hurt on everybody to get me in compliance. I was polite but furious. When I tried to talk to my dad and I even told him I was hurt, that I felt sometimes like I wasn't even a member of this family, his response was that he had to 'side' with his wife. Everybody SAW how she was and nobody said anything. I decided to just cut ties with all of them. I'm 57; need this like a huge hole in my head. If they need a scapegoat, so be it. I will be that. But I cannot take the beating and while it's going on, girt my teeth and say 'thank you, may I have another'. What is considered loyalty in my family strikes me as similar to a cult. If you disagree on any level or call foul on bad treatment, you are shunned, abused, shamed and cut off. My dad is ill now; he's had surgery again for a blockage. My mother has written me numerous nasty letters which I don't respond to telling me what a terrible daughter I am and how she tells everybody at her church about me and they get a 'big laugh' at it. She has badmouthed me to my own oldest daughter, who is NPD and I suspect Bipolar and is also looking for any excuse to create drama too. As a result my daughter, who really needs help, keeps her kids from me and soaks up the attention when she really needs help. My mother identifies so much with her she would never see she's 'sick' and of course, my daughter only feeds my mother's N supply. What a mess. I try not to hate any body. I have to pray for them and about this or it will ruin my life. I do have a wonderful son and daughter in law who are expecting a new baby soon. He tried for years to be close to his grandparents and they used to say he was their 'favorite grandson'. Now, as he has seen the way they treat me, he has protested and they have punished him too. So he has nothing more to do with them. I have another daughter who I love and see and she and her husband have a darling child I have and love in my life as well. I have a great husband. This just has to be enough. I guess that I really do question the 'dementia' part of this. I see how calculating and awful my mother is and she has always been that way. I do believe she is mentally ill but dementia? She is able to plot and plan too much to have 'lost it'. It smacks to me of just another excuse that other dysfunctional family members have given her to continue to behave badly and have it not be her fault. And BTW, wouldn't you think if both nurse sisters thought she had it, someone would have had her to the doctor and possibly on medication by now? Nothing. When I ask about why not, I have been told, 'well maybe some day we will. If she gets worse". I don't see how much worse she could get!

It's so helpful to read everyone's comments and to know we are not alone in this journey. I am a Registered Nurse as well as a Nursing Home Administrator and have been Administrator in 3 different Dementia Facilities so I have seen many, many different family dynamics dealing with all forms of dementia.
My mom is 85 and has a text book case of Narcissistic Personality. She is also (and always has been), mean, hateful, vengeful, deceptive, negative, and sarcastic.
One of the best books available is 'Will I Ever Be Good Enough". I strongly recommend you read if you haven't as soon as possible. The hurt and the emotional neglect that the self centered parent leaves on their children can destroy their lives if the children allow it or accept it. It took many, many years for myself and my siblings to finally accept that we are important, we do have worth and that our parent has a mental disorder. Some of us had to just walk away and maintain a casual, long distance relationship that of course was one sided. Mom didn't seem to care and we seldom heard from her. Mom's dementia has escalated to add paranoia to the above list of attributes. We are all stupid (even though we are professional people), stealing from her and plotting against her. She was under investigation for physically abusing her companion while he was in the dying process. We hired a wonderful outside agency to care for her in her home since she ran all of her family off but she refused to let the agency in her home. Finally she ended up in the hospital and from there into a Care Facility. As stated by some of the others here, don't give up your life. I know that sounds selfish but it won't be appreciated anyway and in most cases it will be expected. There are others that can take care of mom and not have to be abused by her. My mother is as sweet as honey in the facility, calls all the staff sweetie and honey and actually says 'THANK YOU' to them. Two little words that we NEVER heard one time come out of her mouth at home or to us.
Don't feel guilty that you don't rush to her side to care of her, she really would prefer someone else anyway. Stay strong, assertive, healthy and know when to walk out of the room.
On a positive note, my sister and I have been praying for over 20 years that mom would find some peace in her 'miserable life' and if dementia can be a positive thing then it has been in this case. Her fits of rage, hatefulness and her attitude that the entire world is trying to 'screw' her have diminished drastically as her cognitive abilities decline. Maybe she will finish her journey on this earth in peace and if a miracle happens she may even be thankful for the life of luxury she has been given. Last week she told me 'thank you for calling' and even said 'I love you' after I told her I loved her. In 63 years I have never heard those words. So, keep staying strong, know your own worth, if you don't know it then please make every effort to find it while you can still enjoy the blessings of life. Just because your mom gave you life does not mean what she said or how she treated you is the truth of who you are or who you can be. Leave the care to someone who is competent, love and care for her from a distance and maybe her dementia will bring about some positive changes. If not, it is what it is and she will leave this place in the manner in which she lived and there is absolutely nothing that you can do to change that.
God Bless everyone of you who are going through this. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Hi frustrated:
I have been through much of the same type of dysfunction with my parents, my sibling, and the extended family. I feel for you. My mother, the narcissist acts out and does crazy things and my father enables and incites to the point where they did some really stupid things. This is a pattern throughout my life and I am the scapegoat. My sibling is also somewhat unbalanced and another big narcissist who has tried to create a narrative for the last few years and tells anyone who will listen that somehow I am abusing or neglecting my parents without a shred of evidence, just manipulations and allegations. My daughter who was so close to my father does not love them anymore after she saw what they were doing to me and saying about me. Now they are rather helpless and dependent on me and they are both afraid and resentful. It is sad. Dealing with the anger is the hardest part as I don't want it to destroy whatever happiness I have left. I am the same age as you. The good thing is that I have not repeated the pattern with my daughter, we have a close and healthy relationship. That is my triumph over all the madness. BTW, it sounds as though dementia is a factor in your mother's case and not getting her tested is a form of denial and it is cruel besides since she needs treatment for many things. Good luck!

The thing that has been the hardest for me in all of this with my own mother is that I feel ostracized by my family. My dad asked me a few years ago when they visited "Why are you different with Mom now?" meaning I was more willing to let the awful things she says and does roll off my back. I shortened my very long internal answer to "I do it for you Dad". I realized a long time ago that they are a package deal (the 'cleve to each other' thing gone wrong!) and if I was ever going to see my dad I was going to have to eat a lot of sh__ that she dished out to me. In the end, though, it became abundantly clear that he was willing for me to serve myself up to be smacked around as long as he had peace at any price. And I paid the price. Things in a family like this are so dysfunctional and for so long. I actually wish my mother had be as cruel to someone else as she was to me. Long ago one of my younger siblings said "We saw how she treated you and we didn't want that!" but they did like that I spoke the truth. People who lie, connive and manipulate hate truth tellers! It is so sad. My dad is having surgery today; I found out because one of my nieces posted on Facebook that her grandfather was having a second surgery in two weeks. With the character assassination my mother has done on me with everyone she knows in their (and my) home town and the fact that I haven't been back in so long, I feel grossly uncomfortable even contemplating going back there, much as I would like to see my father. So I am not going. I just pray for strength that if he passes away, it will not decimate me. All along I have said to my husband that the only way I will ever have a relationship with my dad is if my mother goes first. I don't see that happening. I read the above and think that if she actually lost her (evil) mind perhaps that is when I could spend time around her. I can only dream that she would not be able to recognize me! Her father lived to be almost 100 and he was the same way. Sweet and blank. I have turned this over to God. It's hard but it's necessary.

I agree............don't give up everything because you are setting precedents........
Even if you feel guilty, you must carve out space for yourself cause this will be a long journey and you must find ways to keep strong.

This forum is sooooo amazing. Thank you all for sharing your stories, it sure trumps having to go to a psychotherapist that I can't afford and that may not really help. To know that you have all suffered, are suffering and struggling to get through this the same as I am makes me want to cry, happy cry! Thank you and stay strong...