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Middle child the son, is also laid back like my youngest and I. Or am I always going to need a glass of wine or a Xanax around oldest daughter and her grandma???? After my mom passes (no where close in time - a very healthy 93-yr-old), if I survive past her and retire, I am going to find a cabin in the middle of nowhere, with an unlimited supply of books, bug spray, and tv, and become a miser. OH and NO TELEPHONE !!!
1. One approach: tell your incredible story to the consumer investigations agencies for TV. If you Google "TV investigations to help consumers" you'll see a bunch of TV networks that act as consumer advocates. These shows love to expose the kind of people who took advantage of you and your family. What you need to do is apply to their network show, and if selected, they conduct a full investigation and then air your story on their national weekly TV shows. I saw NBC/response, ABC and other channels. You need to share your story!
2. Also listed on the Google search named above is a Consumer Investigations Resources page. It includes tip sheets and guidelines for getting TV investigators to want to show your story to the public. You might want to join the various organizations that look good to you in order to have access to the free tip sheets, and then apply to the TV networks.
3. Another avenue you might take is pursuing a slot on 20/20. Maybe the tip sheets will reveal strategies for you to do this. Your story needs to be shared!!
4. One more idea is to get your story shared on Ellen DeGeneres.
5. Lastly, I think you also need to consider getting exposure to your story by being published in USA Today or Wall Street Journal, both of which conduct in-depth investigations and follow up with an extensive series of articles. You need to share your story!!
So, Ship2Shore, what do you think? You're welcome to send me a private message or respond on this thread. I'd love to help you, and I'm sure others on this site would lend a hand as well. Your story needs to be shared!! Hugs ...
I am living it right now. My 80 year old mother lives with me, my husband, and my teenage daughter. I do everything for her, and I’m the one she treats the worst. She constantly accuses me of being mean to her. She cusses me out, calls me names, slams doors, and tells my daughter she hates me! My poor daughter is caught in the middle and is starting to hate her grandmother because of the way she treats me. I have three sisters that do nothing to help, never have. They can’t disrupt their lives! I’ve had to quit my job to care for her full time. Every day is a battle to get her to wear potty pads, go to the doctor, get up and move, turn on lights in her room, etc. she resents me for everything. Oh but when one of my sisters calls, she is so sweet and laughs. It makes me sick to my stomach. We are now on day two of her not speaking to me, and she probably has no idea why, but she’s sure she needs to be mad at me! I never raise my voice at her, I cook for her, clean for her, take her for walks, shopping, for drives, and she still finds a reason to get mad at me and stop speaking to me. This time around she won’t eat! I’m afraid I’m going to end up in the hospital from the stress. I’m not sure what to do at this point. My husband keeps telling me to not take it personal, that it’s a disease, but for some reason I just can’t do that. It hits me harder every time it happens, and it’s becomming more frequent. I feel like the worst mother in the world for putting my daughter in this living situation, but yet my mom can’t live alone and I promised her I would never put her in a home. She was the best mom ever, so this person is someone I don’t even know.
I know how sick to your stomach it feels when you hear your Mom talk lovingly to your sister - one who didn't raise a finger to care take. Mom calls you names, insults you - I am going through that, too. My sister & brother took my Mom's side- and bought into her lies. I busted my ass and ruined my health while helping Mom with MCI/Dementia.
Yes, you will fall apart from stress. You are only human. And your family life is not happy. Mom is only 80, she might live another 5 yrs. Damn. We daughters, often the favorite child, all promise that we won't put Mom in nursing home. I said that too. But when push comes to shove, the "living have to live and the dying have to die" said my Acupuncturist.
After reading for HOURS, on this site, I realize more and more, that the living have to live. And the living must do things to survive. The young ones have to live. The old ones - they don't want to die. They want to live. But it can't be.
If the brain dies first, before the body, they have to be isolated from normalcy. Otherwise, the normal people suffer. It's not fair to the normal people. Think about it- the old one had their full life. It's our turn to have our full life. It's everyone's right to have a full life. Aren't we usually in our 50s? We are no spring chickens. But we have the next 30 yrs to live, fully.
End of life is always ugly & tragic. End of life dying process is never pretty. Even if we, the adult children, stood in the corner of our Mom's room for 24 hrs - we can't make their dying process any prettier -said the staff from Jewish Home. Mom is going to die.
"At what price? at what expense? are we going to care take for our dying parents? " said the facilitator of my Dementia support group. You know how many stories I read on this site, of children caretakers coming down with serious disease, after burying their mental parents.
We, the dutiful daughters, get treated crappily for being a caretaker. That's why a website like this exists. It's time to see reality. All of us adult children try our darndest to keep the mental parents at home. It's a losing fight- because brain damage can't be fixed. Adult children get injured badly- physically & emotionally. - trying to protect the parents.
I will share one trick. Are you able to take Mom to any nursing home tour? Drag her if you have to. Show her 3 homes. Let her see those one room & 3 beds. She will be horrified.
After that, she ought to be nicer to you.
Let me know if this trick works.
Get yourself to a Dementia support group.
Plant the seed in your head to tour a memory care facility. Support group attendees know all the facilities. You are not a bad person if you put her in a facility. You are a civilian - a kind, dutiful one - dealing with a damaged brain case. Not a bodily disease where the brain is intact.
Macrogirl from LA
I'm going to search for posts on Palliative VS LifeExtending care, and at what point are elective procedures no longer right. He has had serious Gastric Reflux Disease and discomfort for so long, that after consulting with doctors and anesthesiologist, we are going to go ahead with the esophageal procedures -- as palliative care. If it can make him more comfortable, why not.
Hugs to all of you!
Now, 40 years later, I am finally recovering, and reading "Will I Ever Be Good Enough" by Karyl McBride has helped a lot. Knowing that other people (here) are/have been in the same boat and being able to vent is also therapeutic. Learning ways to deal with Alzheimer's symptoms, and learning when to get help and caregivers, what to ask doctors, etc. has been invaluable. We are looking at putting Mom in a memory care facility in the near future, as home care is expensive..we have researched one nearby and know people who have their family members there. Everyone has to find their own way, but having this site has certainly help me find mine. Hugs to you all!
If it is any consolation with prostate cancer so advanced it is highly likely it has metastasized possibly to the brain and his time on earth is probably very limited.
Right now you have to take care of yourself and plan for the future. make sure he can't make any decisions that will have a negative effect on you financially and that all the legalities are taken care of. Know the location of any life insurance policies. Check the bills are paid on time. Get your name on any bank accounts if possible. If you could afford and want to stay in the home get any repairs and alterations done now and keep a careful record of any expenditure and don't give large sums of cash to anyone because if Medicare enters the picture you will have to account for everything.
this is going to be a very hard time for all concerned but yu sound like a strong woman so with careful planning you can emerge from the other side. Good Luck and hugs.
Sorry if I’m harsh. Your post pushed a button of mine. Good luck.
If it's any consolation, your mom will loose her narcissism as the dementia progresses. My mother "was" narcissistic all my life too. (I am her only child also.)
She and my dad were also alcoholics and would lie to me and say things that they later denied. I thought I was loosing my mind (memory) at a young age.
My mom "lost" her narcissism at stage 6 Alzheimer's. She hasn't worried about her looks or how fancy and expensive anything is since she's gotten farther along in the dementia.
Now it doesn't have to be what "baby" wanted. (Oh gag!)
She always had to have the best, no matter what it cost or who she inconvenienced.
Now she lives in an older home modified for memory care. The furniture isn't from the finest stores, in fact it's old but clean.
If she was in her right mind, she'd never set foot inside the place. "Oh, how DISGUSTING", I could hear her say. And she had no compassion for those of less means (the poor). I always hated that.
I felt guilty that the place "wasn't up to mother's standards" when she first moved in but she's past that now. She lives in a mental "void".
It's a bittersweet moment- I hated the narcissism and it's gone but now the dementia has robbed her of any memory she had.
It's a loose-loose situation.
I can validate exactly what you stated. My mom has now reached the stage of less (if any) narcissism. She has more bad days where she is in almost a vegetative state. Able to function but is very quiet staring out into the void. She sleeps a lot too.
My dad was worried about the amount of sleep she is getting. I explained to him that the reason why the human body requires sleep on the norm is more for our mind to rest and repair. I said Mom is sleeping so much because her mind is trying to repair itself. A repair that cannot be repaired because of her Alzheimers. Sad thought but true.
She still has her dislikes and hatreds but she isn't verbalizing them nearly as much. She does verbalize more what food she dislikes. None if which makes any sense. She dislikes food now she loved her entire life. She also forgets what food she likes. My Dad has to remind her by saying but you love cheeseburgers...you had one last week and devoured it. She concedes and realizes she does like it. Other foods she wouldn't eat with someone else's mouth no matter what you tell her. Going to a restaurant is a pride swallowing seige. She ends up looking foolish every time in front of the server. Many times she orders a meal and when it comes 20 minutes later she says I didn't order this. The server always looks like a deer in the headlights....and apologizes with a quizzical look...my dad and I say YES you did order that. And she says oh...I did?...ok. The server still looks astonished.
So, this is where were at as an example.
I wish you the best Sue. 💙
That's how my mother is. A few weeks ago, we visited another relative who just got diagnosed with lung cancer. He is 85, his wife is 89 wheelchair bound. My mom didn't ask one thing about them. But she told the lady in the wheelchair that her (my mom's) legs were much worse (even though she could walk just fine) because one leg calf was smaller than the other. She then proceeded to roll up her pants to show her legs to the wheelchair bound woman. I just shook my head in disgust.
Also, truth832, you don't have to feel any guilt about not bringing your mother in to live with you. In fact, I would advise you against it. My mother lives with me and she drives me and my kids nuts. At some point, I will need to move her to a NH when she needs more care than I can provide. I just hope my late father comes and takes her before she suffers indignities.
The one up scenario is painful and disheartening to watch. You're definitely not alone. 💙
Since the post I made here my mom's Alzheimers has progressed. She isn't combative but very quiet most of the time and sleeps a good portion of the day. However, her dislikes and hates are still evident. When I see her she she is either having a good day or bad day. When it's good she talks and seems more like herself but the bad days she sits as like a quiet vegetable. She has more bad days now then good.
My Dad was recently hospitalized for radiation overtreatment. For the first time in forever my mom actually stated to me that my dad's leg was in a bad state and she is very worried about him. I was flabberghasted...it was difficult for me to have a reply after decades of herself coming first. During his stint in the hospital she told me three times she was worried about him. She forgot she mentioned it prior to me. Every time I was astonished.
I am finding out like its mentioned throughout this thread by many that they reach a stage where the narcissism is lessened. I have that to offer to you but none of what is happening under the circumstances is good news.
I wish you the very best and appreciate you took the time to reply. 💙
I am an only child. My mother has always been of narcissistic qualities. She was spoiled and doted on by my Dad for so long that her symptoms went undetected. Well, not by me...I noticed even as a small child that there was something off about Mom. Couldn't put my finger on it but I knew there was something off. As time has progressed her ways have become excruciating. Still undetected by my doting dad. I remember going to him about certain situations involving her and he would always flip the script on me and suggest that my mother wasn't like the person I was telling him she was. Fast forward it finally became a scenario where he could no longer ignore it. She became combative and was convinced he was messing around with other women. That was not the case at all. He had been diagnosed with cancer and couldn't even take precedence in his unhealthy State without her one-upping the situation and making it more about her than him. She has since been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. By the time they caught it because he chose to ignore the signs for so long she was already progressed in her Alzheimer's. Right now I would say she is steps away from not recognizing the family. Although she was diagnosed only a year ago. I cannot stand to be around her. The narcissistic mother I grew up with is even more so now. She is constantly seeking attention, affirmation, and does nothing in her life that doesn't have some sort of selfish motive attached to it.
Unfortunately, since I am the only child all of this falls on my shoulders. I've always had a very small family and if something does happen to my dad I will have to take this on by myself. We are not poor but I will not have the means to take on such a responsibility. I won't be able to have her in my home because I already know that I don't want her selfish qualities around my two smaller children. One of which has autism! We will not be able to afford a nice place for her. I hope there are resources out there that can accommodate this situation. On top of it all we do not have the room in my home for her to stay with us. I have assured my father that if anything were to happen to him I would make sure that Mom was taken care of. I want to ease his mind but at the same time I am in a corner and I don't have a lot of resources to carry out what I have promised him. He is in remission from his cancer... This is now his second remission. My mother has really never allowed him time to think about his health. When the doctors tell him they've found another cancerous area my mother has the same MO....she all of a sudden starts complaining about her own ailments and tries to make those take precedence. The whole situation is a mess and my greatest hope is she passes to take the extra strain off of my Dad. I believe her toxic ways have done no good not only for his mental state but have kept him sicker than he would have been without her toxic ways.
I am grateful to have found this thread and know I'm not alone. I believe there is a direct correlation between Narcissism and Alzheimer's.
Best to all of you!
Anyway, I wanted to say hi again to you all and revisit this issue of dealing with dementia and narcisssim with other caregivers. Even though, thankfully I am not hands on (in fact, I’ve had no contact with my mother for almost 2.5 years now and only deal with her in-person caregiver, doctors, etc.), it is still stressful and draining.
I keep reading about the stages of dementia, the progression of the illness, and so on. But would you believe that my mother has been essentially at the same level of cognitive decline for FIVE years now? Still living at home by herself, still the same level of assistance from her 2 hours a day/6 days a week caregiver. I take care of ALL daily management of her household, bills, banking, finance, taxes, and pet care (she has had an elderly dog for seemingly forever!, lol). I have been on call, with my phone by my side at all times (except for bedtime), for FIVE years. Despite being hands off, I am tired, and wonder How Much Longer. She has had a cancer scare, which was just a scare. She had out of control blood pressure, which was corrected with new meds. She fell a few months ago, but other than bruising, was fine.
And...she is still mean and angry, and a complete b**ch to me, which is why I stay away and out of site. She’s always been the ignoring type of narcissist, unless she has something to complain about or accuse me of. The flowers I sent her for Mother’s Day last week, like I do every year? No acknowledgment (as usual). But yesterday, when she saw the notice from the post office saying that her mail forwarding was being extended (because she’s been unable to handle her affairs for FIVE YEARS!)—well, then of course, my phone blows up with calls and voice mails from her and a text from her caregiver. I expected it, and was calmer than in previous years, but it’s still triggering and depressing.
How. Much. Longer. I can’t help asking. Thanks for listening and understanding.
Are you my twin? omg.... things have been going fairly decent for the last 2 weeks, and out comes the nastiness again today from my mother.... only this time I have been under a lot of stress for awhile with my job and a close family member having surgery today (she did well!), and then tonight ... as I said, out came the nastiness followed by the under-the-breath "going back to my home.... I won't be in anyone's way then" ... well tonight was not the night for her to do this, as I am having severe stomach pain (from a hiatal hernia) that I have not had in years ... have been managing just fine for years.
I am very close to having the conversation with her about going back to her home (she is 93 and has been with me for almost a year) ... her home has been dormant since being here AND in another town 3 hours away. The conversation will be that if she chooses to go live back in her home, she will have to take over her own finances, using a taxi for dr. appts., and delivery for groceries. The other surprise is that I will be disabling her car and /or taking keys away. And on my few weekends off that I don't have to work extra, I will not be going to check on her. We are very close to coming to "this is it".... either stay here with me and let's get your house and car sold OR go back to your house but you are on your own.
I have her in a home, and the director, who's been very helpful, told me to stay away, and not visit everyday. That had made a big difference to our relationship as I stayed away for days at a time. These days I can just go over to the home (she lives walking distance) and stop in to see how she is quickly, then leave without the guilt trips thrown at me. Of course she often reverts to the old mom, and it hurts even more when she does so. It's like being on a Ferris Wheel with her, sometimes she's the mom I always wanted, and other times I just want to be done with her. Either way, I have to keep an emotional distance.