Mom announced that we are unwelcoming.

Do exactly what you’ve written in your last sentence. No one can make someone else happy. That’s on her.

If this is new behavior maybe she needs an antidepressant.

Maybe she needs to stay in Florida where her life is?

At 91 there is some cognitive decline. Could even be Dementia setting in. She is out if her element when she is in PA. She is actually homesick. Used to being in her home alone and you have all this activity. Go to her, don't have her come to you. Next year when she says she is coming be honest, you don't enjoy it here Mom. I have no idea how to make it better. Maybe she wants your undivided attention. Whatever, its not working anymore. To be honest, she probably has no idea what she wants or whats wrong.

IS SHE welcome there? She would not be at my house if it caused disruption I could not master
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I am 81. My daughter is 62 and her hubby 70, and once a year I visit them, late June to late July for 1 month. I give up electronics completely for a month! Gives this forum a break from me and my opinions.

It is the most solid-fun and worry-free month I have in any year.
We don't stay in one another's hair all the time. She lives near Puget Sound and in the a.m. I always take a long walk on that peaceful shore, staring at the great rocks, always bring home some in the pocket.
We make the cooking EASY and keep pot pies in the freezer for those days we don't care to do it at all, or get Papa Murphy's Pizza, something I cannot get here and would like thrown into my coffin when I die. We always gamble at least twice, something I don't do the rest of the year.
We make little trips. We shop. Farmer's market, plant nurseries, bakeries.
We junk shop. We get to sit over coffee and chat and chat. We watch a bit of tube at night and her hubby bring me treats; salted caramels, spicey chips.
I retire about 9 so they have time together alone. And they go off to the concerts they love some weekends.
We garden. We walk. We talk and don't spend lots of time trying to convince one another of ANYTHING anymore; so easy to just agree to disagree.

I can't tell you how much fun we have, and it is so tough for about two months after to know we are two states away from one another again for a while.
That's us; they always want to take me more places than I want to go. Like, say, Seattle and the Market there. For them great fun. For me, I would rather do a plant nursery and stay in the rest of the day. They are more active than me. They understand. Or try to. And now we can actually TALK about things. Like how hard it was for her to hear me say "I don't have the stamina for it".

I feel so loved and cared for when there.
But I also would be the last to complain about anything much at all.
There is always lurking in the back of any mom/child relationship the history of mom/child.
That always has memories of complications. It always takes care. Careful wrapping or unwrapping; think of the most delicate porcelain.

To my mind you need now to level with your mom honestly and openly. I think visits should be short. No more than a week; two at most. I think that she SHOULD stay nearby in her own place and I would tell her that last visits haven't gone well for either of you and the last thing now you want to build is hurtful memories, and that having her own space for her own self of an evening to pile up with a good bottle of wine, some chips and the tube or a good book gives you respite from one another. And you are a phone call away.

I don't know what else you can do.
Maybe give up expectations is a good one. Don't expect mom to be happy all the time. That's not how we live normally. She shouldn't expect you to be. Don't expect one another to do things your way; you each have your own way of doing and being now. I mean my DD and I could argue ANYTHING, including gas range versus that glass topped thingy I don't like. But just DON'T. Because why?

My daughter lives in a place where the neighbors all know and love one another. I am a social recluse. At first the fact that anyone may pop in at any time, even for supper, was shocking (and frightening to me) and now I am friends with some of her friends myself; just love a couple of them. And they are FAMILY to her.

We all have to give and take, adapt and try and adapt, and let loose of anything less than perfect. Just let it fly. Go and garden. Hand mom a rake. Take a walk.

I hope it goes better.
I can remember a time it was tougher; once I left with chest pains and told myself "I am not saying CRAP to anyone about this, because if I am having a heart attack I am doing it over the city of SF". I hope it gets better for you both! I bet it will, because you wish it so.

Time to stop torturing yourself or her, no more summer visits, visit her for a week or two and leave it at that.

Drop the guilty thing, that is a self-imposed emotion that just keeps one stuck. She is unhappy because she wants to be, it is all up to her to make herself happy.

Life is about change, time to change it up with her.

Good Luck!

Hi Debra - maybe it's too uprooting for your mother to stay at your home and your brother's home for the summer - there's nothing that you're doing wrong...it may not be comfortable for her to stay in a home that isn't hers.

Maybe the best thing to do is just to take care of other living arrangements for your mother while she's up visiting - and maybe she should only spend a condensed amount of time in PA and then return to her home.

Wishing you all the best ~

Why does she visit if she is so unhappy? I understand feeling obliged to family, but why force yourselves together if you’re all left miserable.

Some people are not introspective at all and look to blame others for their emotions. Neither you nor your brother are responsible for her happiness. Is she open to discussing the particulars to improve her situation (with you or her Dr) or does she want to hang on to her unhappiness?

I agree with others that if this seems to be a change in her personality, then you need to consider she either is suffering from undiagnosed depression (which is very common in the elderly) and/or she has the beginnings of dementia (also totally possible at age 91).

Whoever is her PoA (and hopefully she has one) needs to get her in for an appointment with her primary doc to have a physical and also a cognitive & memory exam, which is covered every 12 months by Medicare.

At 91 the only person who can change is you and the younger generations, not a 91-year old with possible dementia. But an accurate diagnosis is important for proper context of her behavior.

The older you get. The more set in your ways you are. Im at my 88 year old moms all morning. she hasn't left my side, probably (shadowing) so far I was told how to change the sheets the right way, and watched over to make sure I did it her way. Then she stood over my shoulder, to make sure I potted her plants right! This is most older peoples world.

Your mom wants things her way. My mom would never deal well staying at my house for even an hour probably. It is what it

Best of luck, nothing about aging is easy

Your last sentence summed it up.

This is just how she's going to be. I'm sorry.

The worst part of DH's time caring for his mom was the days that she was angry, ungrateful and negative (about everything!)... He is beginning to slowly come out of the depression caring for her created. It will take a long time.

His mother was always the 'pretty pretty princess' and as she aged, wanted more and more adulation from her kids. They are honest people and simply did not have that kind of relationship with her. DH cared for her out of duty, there was no love there. I have to say that when there is no love--just grinding duty--you will wear out and even if mom is around for a day or two--you feel completely helpless to make any changes.

If mom is able to handle straight talk--you simply sit her down and tell her that her behavior and attitude are childish and inappropriate. Tell her you will put her up in a nice extended stay hotel and you will plan outings with her, but her behavior needs to change.

You have nothing to feel guilty ABOUT.

Again--your last sentence answers your own question.

You'd all be better off if you could convince her to stay in Florida all year. If you could visit her there, stay in a hotel for a few days and then go home, that might be a better way of conducting visitation.

The old ways don't work as well when we get older. There's no need to keep pretending they do. Start a new visiting tradition - or stop it all together. There's no need to make everyone miserable because you all happen to carry the same DNA.

Is your mom medicated properly for her depression? If not, now is the time to address it.

I'd nix the invites entirely, if this were my mother, and try to go visit HER once in awhile. If she's so miserable staying at her children's homes, and refuses a hotel, why bother coming in the first place??????

How can you repair a rift you had no part in creating? Should you apologize for inviting mother into your home? What did you do wrong? Was it all that breathing your family did? Unless you cursed her out or asked her to sleep in the garage, you DID welcome her into your home!

Stop apologizing for something you didn't do, and chalk this nonsense off to your mother being high strung. But I would ask her about antidepressants because living with THIS level of emotion is unnecessary.

Good luck to you.

Time to stop the visits.

“I’m sorry you feel that way, Mom. Maybe the traveling to us is too stressful for you now? Let’s work something out together.”

I doubt you’ve made Mom feel unwelcome! She’s just lashing out in her own way and scapegoating her kids as the source of her problems, or just unleashes her anger out on you.

And yes, she does sound like she’s having issues with anxiety and/or depression. She may not be open to seeing a doctor about that, though.

"Mom, I'm sorry that you feel that you are unwelcome. I love it when you visit but from now on you will have to make a hotel reservation when you want to visit. If you can't afford that for the summer maybe make your visits a bit shorter"
or
"Mom, next year rather than you visiting us during the summer we can come visit you"

You have your life and routine there is no need for you to alter your life to accommodate your mom. She is not like a guest that is coming to visit you. So you do not feel the need to entertain her. If you invite her to go with you and she refuses or "hangs back" that is on her not you.

Your mom is trying to manipulate you. You know the old saying "Bride at every weddings, Corpse at every funeral". She wants to be treated as the center of your world for her visit. My grandmother was the same way, and her visits were torture. She does not want you going about your daily life, this is HER vacation and you need to spend it entertaining her. This is why I never understood long term family visits unless everyone was retired and wealthy enough to do something fun everyday. I would suggest she stay in Florida from now on.

This kind of reminds me of when our young adults came home from school for the summer or on holidays like Christmas. Beyond the first day (and often not even then) there was no fuss or extra attention and the household just went on as usual as though they had never been away, I know one of them said from their perspective it was as though nobody had missed them or cared if they were there or not....

Some people are never happy. They will never be happy. Some don’t even want to see if meds will help.

They have shown us that they aren’t happy unless they are miserable, and they seem to relish making others miserable.

It’s the old saying, “Misery loves company!”

My husband’s grandmother was this way. It backfired on her because we gave up on trying to help her.

She refused any help that was offered. We grew so immune to her antics that we no longer paid any attention to her.

Most people want to make amends before they die.

She wrote hate letters from her death bed. All of her letters were immediately placed into the trash.

I stopped reading them after the first sentence. They were filled with hatred and contempt for the entire family.

It’s sad. I feel sorry for people who have never known anything but misery in their lives.

At the same time, I accept that this is their choice, but count me out, because I will not be joining them in their misery.

Everyone has their ups and downs, but nothing or no one, can force someone to be content in life.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this situation. I wish you peace.

Mom could be depressed, have dementia , just can’t handle change in her routine , and/or she wants to be entertained . On top of that some elders just aren’t happy no matter what.

If possible visit Mom in Florida yearly instead of her traveling , and stay in a hotel .

You are correct her opinions and emotions are her own , you are not responsible for her happiness in general .
She is looking for individualized attention , not to be included in your typical recreations with your friends .
Is there anything you can do that she likes sometimes without your friends being there? See if part of the problem is she feels like a 5th wheel , so she hangs back .

Good luck getting her tested for dementia . She will likely refuse . I hope someone has POA .

Many thanks to all for your inputs. Much of what you say is true. For further clarification, I live in Florida for 3 months of every year, and we visit her regularly (she refuses to visit us, however). She has an intolerance to almost all medications, so antidepressants are out of the question. Besides, she considers herself to be a positive person (she actually said that) and probably would not even agree to a professional evaluation. When she is in FL, she moans constantly about wanting to move "back home to be near family," which consists of 3 people, and complains that "there's nobody here" (in FL). I am terrified that I will become like her.

You are not going to please Mom. Since you live in Fla 3 months a year, I would tell her forget about visiting PA. She is not happy when she visits and you have no idea how to make her happy.

My MIL chose to move from South Jersey to central Fla when she and FIL were 69. We had a 4 yr old and a 12 yr old. When my FIL passed, the "move down here started". When we retired "the house behind me is up for sale". I am sure she expected her Dear son to pick up and move down there for her but he did not even bring up the subject. In the 31 years I knew this woman she was never happy. She expected certain things from people and when those expectations were not met she got mad or pouty.

My MIL thought about moving back but I think realized that there was no one here but us. Her sister and FILs brother were in Fla. FILs siblings were all gone but a couple. We no longer had the family Christmas party or picnic because the Aunts used to do it and they were gone or too old. The cousins were spread out doing their own thing. She would not be coming home to the home she once knew. Her friends had died off too. I was not going to be her entertainer. So maybe thats Moms problem, PA is not how she remembered it. And her moving back will not change that.

When I read abut these stubborn elders who are filled with misery and hate, it pisses me off.

My beloved Brett, a wonderful person, was taken down by Stage 4 colon cancer at 33. He was so brave, and wanted to live so bad! It was heartbreaking to watch him and be helpless. He had so much joy and help to bring to others! Such a wonderful man my ex-husband adored him!

Then my best GF of 32 years, who was by my side through so many life events, and helped me through divorce, getting jobs, and much more. After loosing Brett, 3 years later she was diagnosed with breast cancer, and went through 2 rounds of it, 4 years apart! She came to my door with her hair in a paper bag after her first chemo! After such bravery and suffering, she recovered 4 years....then was killed by a brain tumor at age 56. She got to hold her first grandaughter one time. She lost all her hair twice, grew it back. She also suffered bravely, never complained or fell apart...and didn't deserve such a brutal death.

I wouldn't feel sorry for these 90 some elders and their damn complaining and misery! They already had their long lives, without torture from cancer, or similar health issues. They give nothing back to the world or loved ones, but sheer misery and selfish crap. I see it on AC all the time. The family does so much just to try and please them, yet what have they done for others to deserve the ass-kissing?? Their family is expected to fund their travel, entertain them, deal with their caregiving, constant sacrifice....and hear nothing but griping? They waste valuable time trying to please these elders, that are just ungrateful, mean and nasty?

Those who were loving, supportive, hard working, generous and made the world a better place end up dying early, with terrible suffering. Then I read about these selfish, horrible elders 80-90 who live to create misery. They are old and tired, miserable, negative, and spent the last 30 years being ungrateful to be alive. Nothing they can do will make them happy, and they clearly do not appreciate the efforts made.

I've learned the hard way how short life is. How precious time on earth is. I refuse to tolerate it, just because they are "family." You can't choose your family, so why tolerate their crap? Did these elders do anything for anyone else? Were they generous, caring, thoughtful or helpful to you when younger? Why do they think they are owed ANYTHING now?

They all made their own beds in their own lives...Bad behavior should not be rewarded.

The most hated generation is Boomers, but the most entitled are the so called silent or greatest generation. THEY actually got pensions, their social security won’t be cut, they were all able to buy a home and they won’t die.

You answered your own question. "Accept that her opinions and emotions are her own". This is exactly what you should do. Then the next time you speak to her on the phone tell her that you and your family went out of your way to make her feel welcome in your home.

Then tell her if she expects to be the center of everyone's attention when she visits (which I expect is probably why she's bringing on the crying and other nonsense drama) she will be sadly disappointed. So give her a choice. She can come for a visit and behave properly like a houseguest should, or she can stay her a$$ home and not visit again.

Your brother should tell her the same. If she wants to be negative, miserable, and do nothing but complain she can lay it on the fur walls of her house and no one else's.

"You know what mom, you're absolutely right. Let's not see each other anymore."

I have found peace for myself by not excessively trying to change how others perceive things.

If my suggestions are not received well by someone, I allow them figure it on their own. If they choose to sulk about it, so be it.

In the past, I drove myself crazy thinking that I could influence others, if I shared a different perspective with them.

I realized that I didn’t have the power to influence how others think or feel.

I know that I won’t agree with everyone on every topic. Nor, do I expect everyone to agree with me on everything.

Some people want everything their way. There’s no give and take.

Or they feel that the world revolves around them. They will one up everything that is told to them. You know what? Who cares?

Unless something is harmful in any real regard, it is much easier to disregard their behavior. Don’t ever allow anyone to rob you of your joy.

You don’t have to like or appreciate how your mom feels. I don’t think that you have any other choice but to acknowledge that her behavior reflects something inside of her.

Please know that her behavior doesn’t reflect anything negative about how your mother is treated by you and your brother.

Don’t hesitate to say to your mom, ‘I love you but I don’t want to hear it anymore.’ There are times when I politely tell people to keep their feelings to themselves.

I wish you well.

The first time she brings up visiting next year, you tell her that’s not going to happen. You will visit her. If she starts, remind her—or at least yourself—that there are plenty of ppl her age who don’t even get visits from local family let alone out of state.

Plus, there’s potential complications about what states insurance pays what if she has a medical event, which with age becomes more likely.

When your mom was 28 in 1961, I almost guarantee that she watched the Twilight Zone “Kick the Can” episode involving a senior who’d have a suitcase at the road when his son came. Or “Long Distance Call” where senile grandma entrances this couples 6 yo into communicating with her over a toy phone even after grandma died. Or “ The Masks” featuring an old rich goat who disfigured his whole family for life knowing he’d die first. There were only three channels then and Twilight Zone on cbs swept them all.

You were probably born around then, and I guarantee your mom did not think it was ok for mil to shadow a baby or demand to be taken home at every visit.

For Alva and Burnt:

I never dreamed someone would realize the value and honor in what I wrote...I expected some backlash instead. I appreciate your kind words more than you know. Especially because you both GOT IT.

When I lost Brett in 2001, my mission was to HONOR HIS LIFE by being the best person I could be, and let others know what a great man he was. I miss him every day and wonder why I'm even here. I've never known a man with such heart and bravery, who was so unfairly cheated out of his young life. Life that he loved so much and lived every day with love and gratitude.

Same with Marianne...she also was incredibly beautiful, brave and loved life. Always there for me when I needed it, even during her 9 years of torture from cancer. I could have never been so strong like she was.

I never saw such amazing courage under fire in my entire life. The respect and admiration for them is inside me forever.

Mother says that “she doesn't feel welcome here”. She is the one in control of how she feels. She can explain what she thinks you are doing wrong (and it’s something you are willing and able to change), or she just doesn’t come. You can’t ‘make her feel welcome’, just as you can’t ‘make her happy’, unless she is OK with it.

I can understand her "hanging back" because she really wasn't part of the friends group. This does make it difficult for you. I am guessing these are people she doesn't know.
When I spent a week with my daughter and son in law on the West Coast, the three of us cooked meals together, visited various beaches, ate at their favorite restaurants and hiked the parks. My daughter and I even managed a bit of shopping. I found myself the focus of their attention and I needed it and loved it.

I think you may repair the rift by telling her next time you would love to plan some relaxed days with just her. Moms always get over their hurt feelings. She must love you and your brother very much to travel that far at her age. Please make time to create happy memories. It can feel very lonely to have your children living far away in another state especially when you are a senior. As you know family is everything. I think it is wonderful that you are seeking advice here. It tells me that you really care. I wish you the best.