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My sister and I are caregivers for our 91yr. old mom. My sister is becoming ill from the stress. My mom lives downstairs of my sister and husband. My sister can't go upstairs even if she's been downstairs all day , without Mom saying "Don't forget about me, it's so lonely down here". When I come over to visit several times a week, as I am leaving for home, she gives me the same "lonely" speech. She refuses to go to any senior center and be with those of her age. We know she doesn't want to burden us. How do we talk to her and help her to see what she is doing to us, especially my sister?

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Hi CindyandPam, I really meant it (hunger) as a metaphor...I'm thinking that she is not really lonely, there is probably an underlying fear, like the fear of being alone. Which, when you think of it, is not the same as being lonely. When someone is not present with her, I think she may be scared and that is why she says she is 'lonely'.
If this is the case (since you and your sister seem to be doing more than is sometimes humanly possible to keep her from being lonely) you need to find the real root cause of her saying she's lonely. Have you asked her if she does not like being alone? Because if that is what she truly dislikes a companion animal may be just the thing to help her.
Because when I read your posts it seems to me she just wants someone there...not to carry on a conversation or play cards, but just BE there. It's surprising just how comforting it is to know there is someone else in the house with you. I've seen it in many people, especially older couples, where just knowing that the other person is there makes all the difference, they may not speak to each other all day but when the other is gone (out shopping, travelling or through death) they are lonely....or more accurately ALONE. I think this is why so many people opt for retirement homes or companions. I know of friends that live together just for that reason. They are both older, independent and just didn't want to be 'rattling around in a big house all by themselves'. I hope this helps.
Blessings, Lindaz
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Thanks lindaz. But she loves to go out to eat, or have her favorite meal cooked. We do that often. She is not critical of us or what we try to do. The only thing with eating out, is she finds fault with THAT food because she has a very sensitive tongue and everything is too "bitey" she says. We take a lot of styrofoam home. She really doesn't complain about anything, just the lonely stuff. We take her out to events with us, such as church and picnics, etc. But she has one foot in the car about I hour later and wants to leave. Go figure. She has no dementia. Her favorite thing is to have people sit with her and look at her photo albums, of which she has a couple of dozen. We have looked at them all many times, but when someone new visits, that's what she has them do. Otherwise it's the big TV and daytime talk shows are her favorite. (they mostly nauseate us, but she can't afford cable). To hannahonee73, we do have a woman from the Dept. of Aging Senior Companion program who comes every Thurs. morning. They look through photo albums and talk. But if someone isn't there ALL of the time, she lets you know she is SO lonely.
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Hi CindyandPam, I;ve read and re-read your post about your elderly mother being lonely and it has been become such an issue, that one of you is becoming sick trying to fix Mom's problem....Let's change the storyline a little....'I'm hungry...what would you like to eat? Nothing's good here...OK we could go out to eat...No, I don't/won't do that!...How about if I order some food in? .....No I don't like it....should I make you your favorite meal? No, it never comes out right....Would you like to make something to eat, I could help. It might be fun....No, I'm still hungry.....
If she is mentally competent perhaps it's time to let HER take some responsibility for her loneliness...Surely you should not be getting sick over this. Of course if she does have some form of dementia, forget everything I wrote...but I do believe she should bear, at least some, of the responsibility.
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Did she have any interests when she was in better health? If you feel like she wouldn't warm up to any activities and she has a sweet disposition I would try to find a place that has volunteers who will visit the home bound. You might have to do some leg work but I would probably start with church, the Salvation Army and the aging agency. Then someone can come over a couple days a week and visit. It's a start and who knows, maybe it will lead to something more. Lol, my 96 year old grandma is the opposite, she went to the casino at 10p yesterday with my sister in law's grandma. She loves going out.
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To the replies to CindyandPam. Thank you for your suggestions. Most of them we have tried to no avail. Mom can be very stubborn. She refuses to let us take her to a senior center, even for an hour with us along. She refuses to use a cane, walker, scooter, etc. when out. She only lasts a few minutes in a store, but insists on coming. She hates bingo and will ONLY play 500 rummy. We often try to take her interesting places, but since she won't get in a wheel chair (such as a museum) she wants to leave with 10 minutes because "her hips hurt". I think what we need to do is stop enabling her and just say "NO". Easier said than done. I talk to her often about the need to connect with other seniors, but a lot of them are 15 - 20 years her junior and she doesn't want to be in that crowd. Sigh.
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Interestingly, my mother always claims she is never lonely or bored, yet we get multiple calls each day about silly little things....."I'm out of candy, they didn't come with my meds (when we know for a fact they have), the TV remote isn't working properly, etc., etc., etc." Sometimes we wait a day or so before responding and by then she doesn't even really remember why or what she may have called about. This disease is enough to make everyone think they are losing it!
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Cindy and Pam, I can relate so well to your issue. My dad passed away two years ago and my mom has been living alone since then. Conversations about assisted living don't go very well as she loves her house. My brother lives next door and I am only 7 miles away so we visit frequently. She doesn't want to be a burden so it's difficult to know how she's doing emotionally much of the time because she keeps it inside. Occasionally, however, she will tell me how she's depressed and how it doesn't get any better without my dad. She is taking an anti-depressant and doesn't want to increase the dose which is her decision to make. I'm the type of person who wants to "fix" things so I used to immediately jump into the "let's fix this" mode when she would say she was depressed. This was frustrating and upsetting for me until I finally realized, I really can't fix it. I tried to put myself in her position and asked myself how I would feel if I lost my husband of many years - it was a very scary thought and an eye opener. I had a much better idea of what the loneliness must be like. Even though it's wonderful to have family and friends around, you still go to bed alone each night. I knew I couldn't fix that which helped me refocus on the things I could do. Those are: set aside at least one or two days a week where we'll do something together, stop in unexpectedly for a short visit, and call a couple of times a day to check in , etc. She will still say "You can't leave!" (kiddingly) when I tell her I have to go but I know that for at least a little while, her feeling of loneliness is somewhat less. The other thing that I think helps a great deal is that my brother sends his little dog down to spend the day much of the time. She has a cat but the dog is much more affectionate and it gives her someone to take care of. And - she can send him home at night - kind of like having grandkids - the best of both worlds! As many people already mentioned, try not to feel guilty, as difficult as that is. Realize that the loneliness comes from a place that you can't change but can help just by her knowing you are there for her. Good luck to you.
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I was thinking that if you present her with something that isn't senior citizen related but can help her to feel useful that might help. Soon places like the Salvation Army will be getting the thanksgiving and Christmas stuff together. I'm not sure how capable she is but my grandma separates the Christmas toy applications into gender and age and other things that don't require much exertion. Just a thought. There's always bingo! Lol
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I think you should need, you go to mother and tell her you should want to live with her. And tell her you are felling lonely.
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joannes: Yes, thanks for adding that dementia or Alzheimer's can be a contributing factor to loneliness.
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I think that you should just find a social group that is interesting to her and take her. Going to new places is scary for most people and many would say no. Would you be scared to start school again or a new job? I'm just saying that if she goes with you once or twice so she's not nervous, it's likely that she will make some friends and do more things. I would look in the weekly activities section of the paper and find a few things she likes. Once she makes friends someone will come pick her up.
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Also, if dementia or Alzheimer's is part of the picture, know that being afraid to be alone is part of those diseases. The brain is not functioning well, and at some levels the person knows that, and there is a lot of anxiety about things being wrong. They are more comfortable when someone.....is around to communicate with them and keep them from all that 'thinking' in their heads that they do while alone. So perhaps bringing her upstairs at times, and having her 'help' do something....even if it's folding clothes or sorting out a drawer or cutting coupons out of the paper. And, another PT caregiver coming in occasional to give a break, but who would visit with her and talk and listen...or a cat to care for.... all those might help. Otherwise, a placement, as another mentioned, in a small home like setting, where there are constantly others around all dealing with the same issues.....
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Your mother wants you to get on the guilt train. That's what she doing to you. You could ask her "Aren't you happy here?" Or perhaps get her occupied with one of those adult coloring books, if she's up to it.Some music CD's? Something to stop the guilt trip because so far for her, it's working.
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My 93 yr old mom pulls the lonely card quit frequently. However she refuses to have visitors, and I am dismissed abruptly when in a mood. We had a visitor from Australia who came specifically to visit her here in Oregon. She refused to spend more then 20 minutes before he was dismissed and sent back to my house. So my husband and I got to know this gentlemen very well. Lucky for us he was fun to entertain. Mom imposes her own limitations. I made arrangements so her Home Health helper could take her places thinking she might get her moving, but again she refuses. So I took the advice to heart that I have received on here to just walk away and not feel guilty. It is continual work to not let yourself take on the stress of the situation, but it is OK to tune it out especially when you know you are doing everything possible. Depression can be a chemical imbalance, emotional, or self inflicted. Hang in there it sounds like you are doing your best and keep that in mind sometimes there isn't a fix.
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I went through the same thing with my 96 y.o. mother. She lived with me and my husband for 3+ years and I'd come home from work exhausted, and she'd want to talk since she was alone all day. It was a constant battle to get companionship for her because she wanted only to be with me. Finally, I talked her into a caregiver for 6 hours a week and I'd still hear, "I have no one to talk to". After trying to dance around the situation with her, my husband, and trying to maintain a career, I had enough. I forced her into an assisted living facility where she has all the companionship she needs. However, she hates it, and all I hear is "I have no one to talk to". I finally acknowledged to myself that it is her choice to be this way, and that she will never accept anyone into her world but me. The moral of my tale of woe is that your mom probably will not change, and her family is her world. It's important to acknowledge that we are also getting older and need a life, too, while recognizing that what may be best for them is not necessarily what they want.
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Cindyandpam, Cwillie and Lindab61 give great insight. I made a promise to my dad many years before he needed outside help that I would be there every day for him. Just recently, I was told by a professional that I was showing clear signs of caregiver burnout. Words I truly never thought I would hear. She helped me to see that without taking days off from seeing dad and his lonely, everything is wrong speeches I would hit bottom and would not even be able to visit him, but I might visit a hospital or worse.

Making visits shorter and fewer is hard but the hardest thing is to not take their comments personally or make it your responsibility to try to fill an emptiness that will never be filled again by any person. No one can make these decisions for you, but I hope reading the posts here will encourage you and your sister to make some level of separation from your mom so you *will* be able to be there for her and not reach the level of burnout I did.
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As an intelligent 85 year old woman in sound mind and reasonably good health, I have a different perspective. I live in an independent living facility that has few female residents, but I have one close female friend here, and belong to several online support groups. I feel lonely, but more activities would not help me feel better. I'm lonely for my lifelong friends who are too old to travel to see me, my three husbands who predeceased me, and my former self who swam laps, competed in the business world and wasn't losing physical strength. A cat would help, but living in a single room would drive us both mad. peaceoftime offers good suggestions on this forum. Follow her advice.
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My mother had a stroke 3 years ago affecting short term memory and cognition, my father and I have been the caregivers. Moms ability to communicate has diminished over time and it's increasingly difficult to "chat" with her. I'm going back to work soon which will be several months out of state, I hired a caregiver for showers while I'm gone, under the pretense that she was the daughter of a friend because the first caregiver I hired my mother wouldn't bond with (she too doesn't take to everyone). The 2nd caregiver was deliberately young and the company went along with the story to mom. They have bonded and not only does mom now allow her to shower her, they go on outings to the ice cream shop, drives, parks, etc. AND it gives my dad a well deserved break. Mom now introduces the young girl as "her" friend. Finding the "right" person was key, my dad fought it for some time because my mother was not easy to warm up, but it's worked out and the bonus is she is happier and feels like she has a friend of her own. Well worth ALL the effort I put into it for a couple of months. Just go very very slow. Wishing you luck!
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And, yes get her a cat. They are wonderful creatures.. They will take your ques.. My two girls, Lily and Dora are very engaging and highly intelligent. They come when I call them, they perk up their ears when I ask there where their ball is. And when I spell out E A T, they dash to their bowls and wait to be fed. Cats are miniatures of their cousins in the wild.
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There is nothing you can do. All her friends and family that she grew up with are gone. You will never be able to understand this until you are her age if you are fortunate to live a healthy and happy life that long.
If she is open to at least visiting a senior/adult day center then that is the first step. I wonder if these centers have morning tea parties where people could come and partake of an enjoying hour. Not sure if any facilities even offer this in the USA. Wishing you all the best. Linda
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Mom has dementia and psychosis. They all want to go back to where they lived in early childhood and teenage years. That's what mom can recall. There is no easy answer..........I see her every day......some days are better than others.
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All really good suggestions and ideas. But have you thought about making dates for her? Maybe take her out to dinner once in awhile, or cater her a tea party with her friends -- maybe a bridge or hearts game round robin, where the game is played at different people's homes.
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I get this from my Mom too, she is in an assisted living place with a wonderful activities staff and great music playing and entertainment from her era. She won't participate in anything, but when I need to leave aftet visiting and taking her out, it always ends with me having to say bye with her carrying on about how lonely she is. Then I can't sleep.
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Yes, it's very possible to be around people but still not have one's social needs met. Such people might be described as "needy" or "demanding" but really, that's an incorrect assessment since they are not receiving what they are specifically asking for, or they are asking for something but they aren't quite getting it. So what happens?

Here's an example in concrete terms. Say you are a woman, middle-aged, who is feeling you would like to restart exercising. You go to a gym and are presented with exercise classes, including yoga and pilates. You try these and you find you do not enjoy the classes. The gym is not meeting your needs. People wonder why you still feel unfulfilled.

However, your need to exercise doesn't mean you need yoga classes. You might not be the yoga type. So many give up on exercise because they don't realize that the type of exercise they try doesn't truly meet their needs. It might be years after their initial attempt before they try again. Next time, it might be running outdoors, or walking. Viola. The person needed to be outdoors, the person needed to be alone with her thoughts for a while, and also, needed a new way to get to work. So that's an example of "needy" that wasn't really needy, it was just that the need was not met quite right at first.

So to translate this to loneliness and elderly. Maybe they are around family TOO much and need nonfamily contacts such as people their own age. Or....Maybe they are the type who relates to the younger crowd. My mom was like that. I have a relative who hangs out with hippies and does hippie stuff (use your imagination). Some elderly thrive around very young children. I remember my grandmother always came alive when she saw us kids. I remember this was true of so many elders. They would get that sparkle in their eyes seeing kids open Christmas gifts or seeing kids in costume. Or some elderly (I just read about this), after they retire, volunteer to dress up as Santa and enjoy having kids on their laps. No reason that can't be a grandma! It's a fake beard anyway! A number of relatives of mine are still playing musical instruments well into their 90's. Rock on.
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I agree with a lot of what you have to say IBScammed. When I said my grandmother was social but still lonely I agree she longed for the past, but I believe it was the companionship of her spouse and being part of a busy family that was lacking, not some notion of her lost youth. Loneliness is real, even among us caregivers. Those of us who are introverts (and I can't help but notice that a lot of caregivers describe themselves as one) might be content to be alone a lot, but we still need times of human companionship, interaction and intimacy.
Sorry, I'm veering off into a rant. The fact remains cindyandpam can't be their mother's everything, the best we can do for out loved ones is provide them opportunities to meet people and, if not able stimulate their minds with classes or joining a choir or travel, to at least offer some kind of diversion to help to pass the hours and days.
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In my opinion, it's one of those pop psychology myths going around right now that loneliness is a state of mind, some kind of invented thing, or something intangible that is created within. I don't really think so, having been through it myself. I think first of all, it's different for each person who goes through it, and one person cannot impose their experience of loneliness on another nor judge another's experience based on what their idea of "normal" is.

All I can say is that during a period of two years I had a lot of human contact, but no spoken conversation nor in-person contact. Sure, I had Facebook, and grew to despise it. I kept telling people, "Will you please call me and speak, and stop texting me? Can we at least speak aloud to each other and have a conversation?" I also wanted to sit down and have coffee with someone. I didn't want a "date." I couldn't find one person willing to spend time with me without the "sex" part attached. I only wanted to ask, "Hey, is that all I am worth now? Only a body?" I said "no" to the sex, meaning I didn't have a coffee buddy, either.

I didn't want therapy, simply because I didn't want a paid friend. That seemed to me to be too much like prostitution. I felt sad for people I had known who had no one else to talk to in their entire lives except those paid friends in offices, simply because they continued to go back and go back to those offices, almost like an addiction, and gradually, the friends whittled away.

Reality was that loneliness, for me, was reality, not a state of mind. I really didn't have anyone to talk to. I had a long "contact list," sure, but most were dead, gone from my life, had moved, married, left, defunct address, whatever. It's sad when that happens to a person.

I did many things to change the situation. One was to relocate. That really helped! Another was to try out new things. I can't mention everything but some were special interest clubs. I became very politically active. I joined social activism groups. I published articles and got on the radio to speak about certain topics that were my specialty.

I've performed publicly a number of times. That, for me, is so empowering, actually. Drama, public performing, singing in a choir...These are so helpful for some people. I do public speaking, reading of my writings, and stand-up comedy and for whatever reason I feel very good, very alive, like somehow, my life has been given back to me.

I have not been lonely nor depressed for a long time now, several years in fact. I didn't have to rely on anyone else nor take pills to accomplish this. I didn't have to pay a person in an office. What is cool is that many of us already have the answers we need right inside of us. We only need to find them.
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I've been dealing with this for 3.5 years since my mother with dementia moved into my home. I tried getting her interested in the three senior centers, the church with daily group lunches. . . she refused all of them. It was making me batty.

Every time she would go into the lonely litany, I would ask what she wanted to do about it, or if she wanted to move to a place with more people around and activities. She refuses to move again.

Oh, and refuses to talk to the doctor about depression, insists she is just "blue" from time to time.

In February she took a fall while I was at work that required stitches in her head. I took that opportunity to get her looked at by a neurologist who said she should not be alone, hired Visiting Angels to come 3 days a week a first. The insurance company (Long term care) sent a nurse out to evaluate, who said she needs someone 5 days a week.

Luckily for me the first person the sent was a keeper, and I don't hear the lonely litany nearly as often. I still pay the price if I want to go out after work, even just to get my hair done, mom plays the lonely card then.

Oh, I have two wonderful dogs that stay with her for all her waking hours, and that does help also.

Good luck, and I hope you and your sister can sort of detach a bit and not let that guilt get to you.
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neveralone - you did the right thing - I was too stubborn, felt ashamed - you name it - it affected my health - now I have no one to care for me and I am in this dump. Having a roommate is a good thing for her - and she is satisfied. Yes, there is a degree of loneliness - but it's better for her and for you. Blessings to you -
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Cindy and Pam, My heart cried for you when I read your post. I brought my mother, who has Alzheimer's, to live with me and my husband. She lived in our downstairs apartment with us for several years. My life slowly became consumed with taking care of my mother, but no matter what I did or how much time I spent with her, it was never enough. My health continued to decline, and although so many wonderful people here on this forum tried to tell me to think about myself, my health, and my family, I just kept trying. As so many have said here, you cannot "fix" your mother's loneliness. She longs for something that is no longer available to her and her poor mind cannot comprehend where the loneliness is even coming from. I was finally forced to change my own circumstances, since there was no way I could change my mother's and I moved my mother into an Private Care Assisted Living Home. This was by far the hardest decision I have ever had to make and I felt like such a failure. I truly believed that I could take care of my mother and had intented to keep her with me until the very end but I just couldn't do it. It is natural to care for love and endure the hardships that come with raising our children and watching them grown into responsible adults. It is not natural to have to care for and endure the hardships that come with watching our parents regress into little children that cannot be satisfied. Please be sure that you do what you can and be realistic with what you cannot do. If it becomes to much to care for you mother then do not feel like you have failed. If you are able to make necessary arrangements so that she can be cared for somewhere else, then you are still taking care of you mother. Your love for her means that you do what is best for her, even if that means placing her somewhere where she can be cared for and you can take care of your own health and family, something your mother really wants for you, even if she no longer can comprehend that now. Please take care of yourself. My mother is very settled in now and in her rare lucid moments she tells me how happy she is where she now lives. She loves the food there and she has a roomate now, so she is never really alone. Although she stills complains about being lonely, the never ending unfixable problem, I now have a better understanding of what is happening and I no longer feel that it is my fault and I have to do something. I just change the subject with her when I can, and when I am leaving and I get the "I am so lonely" speech, I simply listen, leave, say several prayers for strength and remind myself repeatedly, that there is nothing I can do and the loneliness she feels is not fixable. I know she is well cared for and I have done the best that I can do for her. I hope this is helpful to you. You are in my prayers.
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