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FIL passed away last year. We now realize MIL with cognitive decline cannot understand her bank statements at all. DH has been taking care of all the finances for her online, but he had statements and bills sent to her because he thought it will reassure her that there’s nothing to hide. Now he realized she is filled with anxiety reading those statements.


Every day she talks about those “papers” that she needs to “take care of” but can’t figure out how. She’s talking about going in to the bank in person so she can “ask questions”. DH explains it to her every day over the phone but non of the answer sticks because she has poor short term memory and cannot understand even a simple bill. She doesn’t realize or won’t admit that she can’t take care of her own finances.


Maybe DH should stop having the paper statements sent to her to eliminate the anxiety trigger? How can the family talk to her to ease that anxiety?

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If he is managing the bills there is no reason for her to get the statements nor bills.
Switch to paperless statements. He will still have records of transactions and she will not have to deal with "those papers"
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Ludmila, ditto to not giving her the statements or bills at all. Is she still driving? Would she be able to get to the bank? My MIL kept forgetting where she stored her checkbooks and when we were organizing her house I found dozens and dozens of boxes of checkbooks. Has someone gone to her house to go through and make sure all her sensitive information is not accessible by her or anyone else? Also, we discovered that my MIL was thinking that she had eaten meals when in fact she had food rotting in her fridge. I'd call her every day and ask what she ate and she'd tell me -- except when I went there none of it was true, she just thought she had eaten. This is a big concern, especially if she is supposed to be taking meds for anything. I don't think you'll be able to talk to her to ease anxiety as you have said yourself she forgets what you told her. This is a losing battle and please don't keep putting energy into this. Maybe time to consider an agency caregiver a few hours a day, or Assisted Living. Eventually your family won't be able to keep up with her needs. There is anxiety meds that could help her but someone would need to administer it to her every day. Hope this is helpful. I wish you all the best in helping her!
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Ludmila May 2020
we managed to take the car key away. Although she still talks about driving, she doesn’t have the keys anymore. She is in a senior living place and recently she’s been having her meals together with a couple of her friends in room ( they closed the dining room ). We realized that she’ll probably need memory care or assisted living in the future, but unsure when that would be.
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Whenever my mom got to the mail before I did, she would fret over bills coming in. She thought she had only $400 (a dream she had) and so wouldn't be able to pay the bills. It truly freaked her out. I did finally convince her that I would handle all the bills and she did not have worry about them. It was a huge struggle and she would sometimes forget what I told her. I wanted to send the bills to my brother, but he wouldn't have it, so I started paying them online. That ended it. So, yes, stop sending the "papers". She most likely won't know to worry if she doesn't see them. Good luck.
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Stop the bills and then tell her since she doesn’t owe anything they no longer are sending the bills. What a relief. No paper bill, nothing to pay!
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Ludmila May 2020
Thanks! I think we’ll go with this one. Hopefully it’ll work.
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You can also tell her the banks are closed,which they are up here till the pandemic has eased up some. That may buy you sometime to think up something better
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When my mother received bills she would sometimes write letters back but not pay them. When we started intercepting her mail (including statements as she often thought they were bills) she panicked that they’d stopped coming because her money was all gone. We used the excuse that our rural mail is unreliable (a long-standing complaint of hers) so we’d gone paperless. She has also seen enough references to computers to accept that bills come through and are paid with those new-dangled computer things her grandkids use all the time. Besides POA, her account is joint with me which gives me online access. Every so often I print a statement from her account which shows all transactions for the paid bills and account balances. I use a debit card to pay for shopping so on the statement she sees money going out to a familiar grocery store name, pharmacy, etc. as opposed to just a cash withdrawal.

I am in Canada and have no idea how a joint account would affect Medicaid, etc, but I’ve found it the easiest way for us. Plus, when she becomes anxious, I immediately print a statement for her as of today’s date, which seems to provide some reassurance.

I hope you find some some of these suggestions helpful.
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Ludmila May 2020
I was kind of worried if we stop the paper statements she might have some sort of reaction like you described, i.e. thinking her money is gone. We’ll have to wait and see what happens, thanks for the heads up.
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Going to the bank in person to ask questions reminded me of a situation where elder lived alone and could no longer understand her checkbook or how it worked. She would drive from branch to branch of the same bank talking to whichever staff would indulge her. Elder was fully convinced something was wrong with her account. I'm sure they got tired of seeing her. There was nothing they could do for her. There was no error. Just an older lady who didn't understand it anymore (she never really had a firm grip on finances to start with). At a loss for what to do, one banker actually set the lady up on online banking - which elder also did not understand and would constantly lock her password up, etc. Paper statements confused her greatly. The canceled check images seemed even more confusing for her as she would cut them up and file the tiny check images with her "paperwork." Hundreds (if not thousands) of cut up check images were found when she moved to NH and her files in general were a shambles - such as receipts for her dog's care filed right along with her own important financial/legal/health documents. She also had an outdated emissions test result for her car filed with her will. Worst part of all of it was her own check register where she would write things down wrong, make math errors galore, and then blame the bank. Family talking to her did no good. She would hide the checkbook so they could not get involved. Since she still drove, they couldn't stop her from driving to the various branches and talking to the staff about everything she didn't understand. POA now gets all statements and is in possession of the checkbook at all times. Guess what? It balances to the penny. And, for as much time as she spent "straightening out" the checkbook, she never asked about it again once it was taken away and she stopped receiving statements. I think it was a tremendous relief to not have that anymore.
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disgustedtoo May 2020
For our mother is wasn't so much a relief but rather an "out of sight, out of mind" result. I found it odd that she never mentioned missing bills, etc. I did miss one myself (temp forward of her mail caught the regular items, but not the yearly insurance bill), which resulted in her calling to get checks. By then I had changed the mailing address for her bank (I was doing the same as OP, but it was a BAD idea!)

I also had to get YB to get her out of the place so I could "sweep" the place for all paperwork - otherwise she would dig old stuff out and drive me nuts!
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My mother gets anxious about owning her home and the bills that need paying. To decrease her anxiety I reassure her I pay all the bills and house tax and my name is on the deed with her, and I accept full responsibility for all the finances. She then becomes less anxious and forgets about the finances for awhile. I think it is a very good idea not to send the statements and bills to her any longer.
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Been there, done that!

Without even reading the other responses, your last paragraph has the answer:

"Maybe DH should stop having the paper statements sent to her to eliminate the anxiety trigger?"

When I took over mom's finances (due to confusion/errors of early dementia), I also thought it might be good to let the statements go to her. I quickly found out this was a bad idea.

I had temporarily forwarded all her mail to me, to get the billing statements, mailing addresses, phone numbers, etc, for all her bills. I called each one to change the billing address to my PO Box (she was 1.5 hrs away.) Her "filing" system left a lot to be desired - she would separate any multi-page bank statements and file them that way, and some items were missing (tax bill, needed for filing taxes for her!), etc.

Thankfully I did finally make the change of banking address, because one bill was missed - car/home insurance, only sent yearly, and she called to get checks. The checks were sent to me. She called again and they told her the checks were sent to me. She never said a word to me about it! Everything at that point came to me and was managed. Makes your life SO much easier!

One other thing I had to do, which is related, is to clear out ANY and ALL paperwork still in her place. She started digging out old stuff and getting confused or ideas that were driving me nuts! Old W2s, which show "Death Benefit" because it was my dad's pension, were interpreted as someone died and left her money, but it doesn't say who! Every couple of days I would get this call!!! I tried showing her the tax returns, the dollar amounts, even the dates on the W2s (several years old), but that last one was met with "they just came in the mail!" ANYTHING on the kitchen table "just came in the mail." So, I had YB take her out for a bit and took EVERY scrap of paper I could find (I knew most of the locations, checked a few others.) It is kind of funny that she remembered there was "something", but could not recall what it was. That didn't last more than a day.

She never missed the bills or making payments. Out of sight, out of mind, pretty much. Taking the finances over AND doing the clean sweep was the best thing I could do and I highly recommend you do this as well. It's great when you can include them and they can still "follow along", but clearly she can't. Do yourselves and her a favor - change the mailing address of her account(s).
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Ludmila May 2020
Thank you for your reply. It’s reassuring that others have taken the measures that we’re about to take.
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Go to online banking so she doesn't get statements.
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Yes, go to online banking and stop paper statements. Then, set up all of her bills online in her bank's "Bill Pay" section of their website. It's wonderful. You can stop the bills from coming to her house and you can set them up to pay automatically on any date that you choose.

She may ask why she isn't getting any bills. Hopefully if you reassure her they've been taken care of it will suffice.
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I agree with setting up automatic bill payments and stopping paper bills from going to the house. It would be better to do this with her present and to write it down in a "reminder book" so she can refer to it when needed. Her financial POA should handle all of this. I would suggest that this person remind her that the finances are being taken care of "by the bank" and show a simplified account statement - "balance of money in account" and "all bills paid" on a monthly basis. Intime, the "showing of account" information can be discontinued.
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Fill out a change of address and have them sent in her name c/o your husband and address or get a PO box with both names. My guess is out of sight, out of mind or it will be soon. My mom was struggling with bill paying tasks and one day by pure chance I got the mail with a different looking envelope that I decided to open addressed to her and/or dad...thank goodness I did, it was from United Health Care their supplemental insurance and the bill had not been paid for two months. With dad's blessings I took possession of the check book, and any other checkbooks we could find, and within a couple months I had the check book figured out and balanced. I also had a bout 15 lbs of old statements and stuff to be shredded she had stuffed in drawers. I assume your husband has POA and the bank is aware as well should she show up and ask any questions...
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What is her financial situation? If she is well-enough off that the bills can be paid easily, perhaps you can reassure her that there is plenty of money and it's no problem to take care of it, so she doesn't need to worry.
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When I had become a joint POA on Mom's checking, she got very angry and thought I invaded her business. I tried explaining she needed my help since she could no longer manage her finances at age 93.
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Mil can't understand the bills and statements, so don't send them to her. Once mother sent me her cheques, ccs etc and told me to handle her finances, I didn't bother her with any of it. It would only have caused problems. Kudos to your husband for trying to do the right thing.Sometimes as the disease progresses the right thing changes.
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Stop the paperwork from going to her house. It is not assuring, as you thought it would be. If she doesn't see it, she won't worry about it. Go online and change mailing address immediately.
You can check closing date of her statements to figure out about when the next statement will come - go to her house a lot that week and remove any bank info from the mail.
Do the same on all her bills - you can set up and manage all of her bills online
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For heaven's sake, stop sending statements to her at once. If she asks, tell her they haven't come yet, or too early to get one. Do NOT let her look at them or see them - distract her. Fix this now. Get this done at once - never let her see this stuff.
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I am very familiar with this since my mother behaved the exact same way. After my father died she continued paying bills and reading statements but over time she began her cognitive decline. It was so sad to watch since she had always taken care of the books. It made her feel very proud of watching out for the family finances. It got to the point to where I would come over and help with the books but soon it was clear that she just couldn't understand it anymore. I then started having the few bills she had paid automatically each month from her account. She noticed a couple of times but I would just try and remind her that it was being taken care of for us. She finally stopped asking about them. The last item was the check book and the bank statements. Month after month she would try to reconcile the check book but it would only upset her more when she couldn't get it to balance. Finally one day when she was very upset about it I just asked "would it be better for you if I handled the finances from now on"? She seemed so relieved I had asked. The few times I had asked before she was not ready to give them up. But now she was. In transition, I would make copies of the statements and mark them "My copy" and "Mom's copy". We pretended to go over them but she really lost interest fast. The one hiccup I had was with the physical checkbook. It was in my possession since I thought she would not miss it but one day when she was particularly frustrated from the dementia, she accused me of stealing her money. I understand now that happens a lot with people with dementia. So I brought the checkbook back to her apartment with a few checks in it. I told her it was hers and she could put it in her purse for safe keeping. That was the last time she ever asked about her finances again. When she passed away I found the checkbook still in her purse.
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It's possible that her husband always took care of these things, and it was never a strong suit for her. Now he's gone and in her advanced age, it is difficult for her to take this on. Grief can play out as anxiety; she clearly misses him. You needs to assist her with her finances with her involved as much as she can. Just taking on the responsibility without involving her isn't the answer. It will take you longer than if you did it on your own, but you'll soon discover how much information and participation is satisfactory for her. By the way, if you don't have durable power of attorney documents, take care of that. With my mom, I tried to write out all checks and had her sign them, rather than electronic payment. During check signing, we would go over the basics. When she couldn't do that any more, I switched to electronic payment. As long as MIL is worried, she should be involved. Eventually, she will either grow to completely trust you and relax a little or her memory will deteriorate to a point that she won't worry any more. I remember my 90 year old mother-in-law voicing concern about her memory to which my husband replied, "As long as you are worried about it, you're fine."
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Well, I can share with you my situation: I did not know to what extent her decline was until she was in the hospital and I had to prepare the home for the home health care nurses, physical therapists, etc. Mind you, I live with her, but have a full time job and she is often the only one here when the mail comes. She seemed pretty ok and drove well up until her medical incident.

I had to clean a ton of stuff, and it became obvious that Mom could no longer handle the bill paying. Cleaning up all the junk was very revealing!!

If I hadn't have been at the house alone when the mail came, I never would have known they were about to shut off trash collection.

My bro and I told her we would set her up w/ automatic electronic bill pay. She does not use a computer except to play solitare.

Even then, she would get a statement from her Visa and the font saying, "This amt will be auto debited" was SO small, she would write a check for it anyway so they'd get two payments!

I ended up writing in large print Sharpie, and pasted it on a wall, just what bills are auto paid and to NOT pay them.

To her credit, though she was confused, she wanted to make sure everything got paid! I don't think she believed me, though I showed her my computer etc.
Their brains just don't comprehend like they once did.

The other thing, older people (Mom is 95 and lived though the Depression) really like their paper! My bro failed to check a certain box online for her bank statements (we both have access) and so one of her accts was not mailing statements. I spent hours trying to unravel that one! Meantime, though Mom no longer drives, she would call the bank repeatedly and I pity the poor person who picked up the phone.

Finally got it resolved.

Bottom line, it kind of depends on the person. Auto bill pay is the way to go, but I make sure to show here what I'm doing (even though she will not remember it, it makes her feel more in control. After all, it's her money!).

I try to get the mail and file it before she sees it. If I do, it's often "out of sight / out of mind." She never had a real filing system anyway.

But I do have to stay on top of things or she may move file folders or papers.

I tried telling her she's just like a celebrity now: she has "people" who will do things for her! The "people" are just my bro and I. :)

Agree w/ what lynina2 said: eventually, they will trust you or deteriorate so they won't worry.
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DH should take over and for online banking for her. When my mother could no longer balance her checkbook due to low vision (legally blind classification), I had to sign off on her town's COA's bookkeeper to take over. That turned out to be a "hot mess" when I finally met the woman and she was VERY ineffective. So much so and my mother responded "She has been off by $859 for 8 months, but she'll balance on month #9." I said "No, mother, she either balanced on month #1 or she doesn't. She doesn't get 9 chances to balance a VERY SIMPLE household checkbook." Ridiculous!
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Assure her by showing and telling her they all have been taken care of. If she has anxiety of most everything, there is something mild the Dr. can give to slow her brain down.
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It won't eliminate the anxiety. She will ring and ask what's happening, instead.

All the same, your DH should stop the paper statements. He should put mother's basic financial numbers onto one simple sheet, with income and outgoings and balance for the month shown clearly, and give it to her to keep to hand. Then repeat the telephone explanation with reassurance as needed. This will pass.

As for other family members: among you, come up with one hymn sheet and all of you stick to it. "DH is looking after everything for you, and I think he did send your statement for April, didn't he? Do you have it with you?" - that kind of thing.
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Oh! This post brings back memories for me! I was in a similar situation with my Mom about six years ago. She was living in her own home at the time; first, I tried telling her to just put all her mail in a box by the door, and we would go through the papers together once a week.
I didn't realize the extent of her dementia/Alzheimer's, and my idea was a huge flop. With all the junk mail, red bold lettering demanding her to open it immediately, she couldn't help but open it...Immediately!! She swore she had both won and lost $50,000.00 in one week alone.
Somehow, I got an attorney involved and got her to sign over medical and financial POA to me before her probable Alzheimer's diagnosis. I also got a Trust and a Will set up. I was her only child, no other close family members, and she had been divorced from my Dad for decades. I found an excellent estate attorney, who assisted me quite well along the way. A travelling notary came to her house and we did all the paperwork in her familiar surroundings.
Yes, please take over her bills. My Mom was so grateful when I did; she hardly ever asked about money or payments after that at all.
What she really pitched a fit about was the car; I thought I had it all taken care of after I was able to get her first set of keys in my possession. What I didn't realize was that she had THREE sets of car keys. Be ready for something like this. Oh Mom. I found lots of interesting surprises in her house as I was clearing it out; at least you have jumped that hurdle already.
Best wishes to you moving forward; there exists a wealth of information here on this forum from a lot of caring, intelligent, and insightful people who have been through anything you can imagine, and more!! Her facility will let you know when they feel she is ready for memory care; let her enjoy her friends in familiar surroundings for as long as possible first before you need to size up that challenge.
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Gosh, that sounds so much like my mother. She was not able to handle any of the financial transactions, but still fretted over it. With my mother, eliminating paper statements took away all that anxiety. I am POA for her, so I changed the mailing address to my address. I put as much as possible to electronic delivery (to me), and all paper statements go to me as well. She is now quite blissful about finances, and I am quite happy to know everything is taken care of properly.
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Go paperless as much as possible and fill her "office hours" with another activity. Not uncommon for most of us to stay in a state of anxiety over bills!
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