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If at the end of all this, you cannot "talk it out" a bit, then perhaps there is no real good answer. That's so often the case in life. You do the best you can, and on your go.
? Whatever the current issue is, she needs to feel support and help finding a way forward. It’s not on you to fix everything, you’ll go nuts trying, but make her a part of finding answers
I think I'd say to her in response to "I'm not a child", of course not mom, I'm just here to help you sort out some loose ends now that you're recuperating from a serious illness. Just till you get back on your feet. Something along those lines. While she's not a child, her mind is likely going down that road to where she IS becoming childlike and realizes it. Nobody wants to face that eventuality!
Wishing you the best of luck with a tough situation.
Does your husband have durable power of attorney both medical and financial? If not, then this is a conversation you must have with your MIL. Do not beat around the bush with her. Be direct: "Mother, you are right that we cannot take over your affairs without your permission or understanding your wishes. We've given it a lot of thought and you need an attorney to help you sort through these important decisions. Do you have an attorney you would like to consult?" Then be quiet and see what she says.
Having this conversation demonstrates that you respect her as an adult and are willing to help. It also gives her the power to decide who she wants making decisions for her. An attorney will help her get her important paperwork done i.e. living will, will, DPOA. If she refuses then step away.
When it became clear my in-laws needed help managing their affairs, I insisted that my husband get their authority to help. Fail to plan or plan to fail. She's an adult so treat her like one. Adults plan and her needs will only increase. *She* must be prepared for things to change whether that's bringing in help at home, renovations to the bathroom (raised toilet, grab bars), etc. *She* must understand what is within her financial means and what isn't. And whoever has financial POA can help.
A dear friend of mine who does not have DPOA either medical or financial has been living a 5-year nightmare with her parents who chose a distant cousin to be DPOA. Yet whenever her parents need something, they call her. She's exhausted and I keep telling her to stop driving the 8 hours to get to them because she's not their POA. She won't listen. She keeps expecting things to change. She's given herself an ulcer.
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