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My mom planned on going home too. She lost her independence due to a bad fall or so we thought - but it was really the cognitive problems (lack of safety awareness, failure to read and follow instruction on her meds) that led to the bad fall that kept her from ever being independent again. She thought if she could walk she should go home. She even agreed to a LifeLine and would plan on not climibing the stairs anymore. But, she had advanced vascular dementia and could not toilet herself, fix meals, transfer to bed or shower, and walking was the least of the problems. Still she got mad when I said I'd rearranged her furniture to make sure she would be OK in a wheelchair, which I did before I realized how bad her thinking skills were, and that she could decompensate completely with any infection. It took that and a formal geriatric eval to totally convince me that she would not be able to do what she wanted. I had also wondered if she just wanted to go home to die there, but that was not it at all; she really could not judge what it took to be safe living alone. She, like your mom, wanted no in-home help except maybe a chore service and threw out three different agencies I asked to assess her situation.
Get a doctor to meet with you both and be the bad guy to tell her she if is not OK to live alone, and they will probably also do incapacity letters to activate a POA or help with guardianship if you end up needing that. If she is not that far away and really is still competent and wants to take the risks, its possible to have food delivered and laundry done by someone else. In PA the Ursulines were a recommended resource. AND - given those fractures, has anyone measured her bone density and started treatment for it?
My mother fell many, many times before she finally got afraid enough to move. She had an alarm, and I was at her apartment at least once a week (besides my daily time I spent with her) for emergency calls when she fell. Finally, she made the decision to move, but it was then to a nursing home. It's hard to watch.
Carol
As the executive director of an assisted living residence, I all too often see elders waiting too long and before making the decision for change and then they are much too fragile for us to be able to meet their needs. Assisted living is really intended to be a residential setting with supports for grooming, dressing, bathing, meal preparation, medication reminders, socialization, etc. It is a wonderful bridge between home and a nursing home. Complicated medical fragility is not always well served in an assisted living setting.
Tough love is difficult with our children and even tougher with our parents. Sometimes we have to honestly say that we can't do what we have been doing any longer. So much goes into that decision but caregivers must consider their health in the mix. Did you know that the primary caregiver to an individual in the home with Alzheimer's Disease is more likely to experience stress related illness and even death than the person with the Alz. Disease at the same age. Care at home is possible but the primary caregiver must be firm about having support whether it be paid professional support or the support of other family members.
Alzheimer's Disease is classified as a terminal illness and at a certain point can qualify for hospice benefits.
Just a few hints this time. Hope it helps.
Third party help is nearly always helpful. A good friend, pastor or Rabbi who knows your elder can sometimes spend time reminiscing and help the person sort through emotions and even sort thorough the "things." It's a process, and for them, a highly emotional one.
My mother considered assisted living for quite some time but couldn't make up her mind to leave some of her belongings behind. She would have been able to take a lot of furniture and belongings, but she couldn't make the decisions. Finally, she had to move to a nursing home instead, and so she "lost" even more, though we moved as much of her personal life into her room as possible (bedspread, chair, pictures, etc
This is a hard thing to do. Our hearts are with you.
Carol
She's independent and wants to stay that way. Maybe she would be more receptive to wearing a personal alarm and having in-home help, or moving to assisted living. Many elders say they don't want assisted living, but once they move and are around peers, they love the company. Then, in a good center (check them out) they have someone check on them, plus they have alarms for help. You can hire extra help if needed. Could you tour some AL centers with your mother and tell her that if she doesn't want to move in with you, maybe assisted living with peers would be better?
Assisted living is quite different from nursing homes. But if she absolutely won't consider it, in-home help may be your temporary answer.
Carol