How do I maintain a relationship with a caregiver who's father rules over him and only lets us see each other once a week?

good deal waiting! sounds like its coming along for y'all. :)

Moxie1, you are so right. My mom would never fully acknowledge that there was something wrong. One time when she did, she was so utterly petrified that I couldn't think of how to answer her for fear of really sending her into a panic. So I just held her. She forgot about the conversation anyway. After that when she would refer to her fears, thank God I was able to think up answers that diverted her fears until she forgot and slipped back into her own world.

Here is an update on my BF's situation, as requested. And thank you for asking, BTW, ba8alou. : ) Not a whole lot has changed, but some things have. My BF has been reading up on alzheimers/dementia and is getting a better understanding of it. He is also attending a dementia support group at the local senior center once a month, which I think is very helpful to him. He is getting more frustrated as his dad's dementia worsens. He did get his dad to give up driving and took insurance off his dad's car, and has the keys in a safe place where his dad won't find them. He has not yet gotten an in-home caregiver to stay with his dad while he is at work. His dad doesn't use the stove or the microwave because he doesn't remember how. And...he takes the knobs off before he leaves for work. His dad will still try to mow the lawn, but most of the time he can't figure out how to start the mower. He also will "mow" with the blades not engaged.... He thinks he did a great job! With his poor eyesite he doesn't know the difference. BF is now looking into day care to take him to while he is working but doesn't know how he's going to get him to agree to go. He's very stubborn. Paying for it is another thing. BF can't afford it. Dad refuses to pay for it. Medicare probably won't cover it.

As for our relationship. We've pretty much worked things out and have come to an understanding. He has been a lot more open with me. We still don't see each other as much as we'd like, but that has a lot to do with our conflicting work schedules. No engagement ring, yet. He is interviewing for full time job positions. Right now he is only working part time. If he starts working full time he is going to have to put his dad in day care at least twice a week. a lot of things still pending on other things. We're learning as we go.

yeah, most people can "get" that they have a "memory problem" if they are trusting types, anyways.

Hey I don't know but I explain to my mom what is going on in her brain and while she doesn't understand the science of it, she realizes that something is wrong in that she cannot remember along with various other things. Exception to the rule I guess...
I am a firm believer that nothing is absolute and not trying will most likely achieve nothing. What harm will be if he doesn't respond? However may i suggest keep it more personal. Don't use literature but rather sit down and understand dementia deeply, then sit him down and explain the science of it, maybe show him the scans of his brain (if yall have any done periodically. Another thing you can try is if he has a geriatric psych there is a test they perform every visit that can show the decline as well. Good luck

waiting4alife, almost all dementia patients have agnosognocia - the complete inability to recognize that anything is wrong with them, so sharing dementia literature with your BF's dad would be a waste of time and likely cause him to become angry and agitated. I remember my mother, after diagnosis, going around saying, "There is NOTHING wrong with my brain or my body!" But the fact was she clearly had dementia which was obvious to anyone who interacted with her for more than a minute or two and at that time she was entering stage 6 - so it was pretty darn advanced. ba8alou is right, Don't argue, reason or explain. Dementia patients don't get it. But there are things the BF could do. Instead of explaining why the car keys are taken away, buy The Club on amazon and put it on dad's steering wheel. This will disable the car. When dad asks about it, your BF can claim that someone from the driver's license bureau and a police officer put it on the car and claim he doesn't have the key so he can't take it off. This is called a therapeutic lie. OR, your BF could "steal" dad's car if he is his father financial POA. Of course, what he would really be doing is selling the car and then the money is to be used for his father's care. But your BF could take the car while his dad is asleep and pretend it was stolen. It is a good idea to clue the local police in on what is going on first so if the dad reports the car stolen they know it really isn't.

Waiting, if he has dementia, reasoning is pretty futile. Don't Argue, Reason or Explain--ARE is the acronym. Sounds like bfn needs to read more. Best wishes to you both.

Moxie1, I have shared your info with my BF and it has been very helpful. He was wondering if it would be helpful to him to let his dad read some literature on dementia? Like, maybe it would, at least temporarily, make his dad understand why he needs to take away his car keys. Anyone else may answer, too. He tries to explain why to his dad, but his dad is insistent that he can still drive. Maybe if he read it from an expert it would convice him. It is doubtful that his dad would go to the doctor or a counselor.

wow

Not all facilities are created equal though. Also they share one thing, they are pretty expensive. It is hard for many to afford that earned money in a different economy & yes I know there is nursing home medicaid but many fall into the middle which is too little to pay private but too much to qualify for assistance & as much as ppl seem to have these places are costly.

Moxie, thank you …. HOPE!!!

Yes, great story, Moxie1! It's good to hear a GOOD story about a care facility, for a change. I think BF's dad would like it, too, because he likes to socialize. But getting him there to prove it would be the problem!

That was a great story to share!!!
Im sure that happens more than we realize.
Thank you for a 'Positive' look at a parent being in a Care Facility. And its WONDERFUL that your
Friend can be a Daughter that is well rested,
Harbors No Resentment, & still leading mostly
A 'normal' life schedule. And Mom was Happy!
That's what we all want anyway.

Change is hard for older people. Sometimes we have to know what is the right path and stick to our guns. Glad that you're getting some help here, Waiting!

I also want to mention there is something called respite care which is available at most privately funded nursing homes and memory care facilities. Respite care is for a few days or a few weeks. Basically you check your parent in like it is a hotel in order to take some time for yourself or go on vacation. One lady I know really struggled over doing this, but she and he husband had paid for a cruise before her mom was diagnosed with dementia and it became apparent that she could not care for herself. Her mom was against going into a home and begged her daughter to promise to always keep her home, but she could not stay home alone while the daughter was on vacation. There was no other family who could help. So my friend could either cancel her vacation and lose several thousand dollars or go on the cruise and put her mom in respite. So with much encouragement from me, she checked her mom into respite for two weeks, her mom gave her the typical guilt trip and cried when my friend was leaving and my friend cried and left on her cruise with much trepidation and concern. She did call the facility from one of the ports and they told her that her mom was doing great. When she came back from the cruise, her mom was laughing and having a great time with other folks in the care facility. She had gained back some of the weight she had lost in the preceding weeks. Upon leaving the facility, her mom told her she wanted to go back to visit her new friends several times a week. The people at the facility told her that her mom was a real "live wire" and had kept everyone in stitches the whole time she was there and that everyone loved her! (She didn't normally act like that at home!) Two weeks later, my friend's mom was asking my friend if she could please move back into the care facility because she had more fun there than at home. You can imagine how shocked my friend was, but she complied and now it's 6 months later and her mom is just as happy as can be in the care facility and my friend has been able to go back to being a daughter instead of a full-time caregiver.

waiting4alife, there are also Alzheimer's Caregivers support groups in most cities and towns. They meet about once a month and I think this could be of great benefit to you and your BF to attend. You can find a support group in your area through this website: http://www.alz.org/apps/findus.asp
It is also not unusual for caregivers to have their own counselors or psychologists to help them get through this ordeal. Believe me, there is nothing pleasant about watching your parent turn into an angry monster who does crazy unpredictable things and then looks to you to fix it and is angry if you can't and then watch them fade away with this disease, becoming someone who can barely speak and eventually become bedridden. It's terribly tragic. It seems that whatever the worst aspects of your parents personality are, they become magnified by this disease and then it actually gets worse, where your parent turns into a brain damaged shell of a person who can't communicate and doesn't seem to know you are there or recognize you and either starves to death or dies of a complication such as pneumonia. And there's nothing you can do to stop it. There is no effective treatment and no cure. You know children love their parents. Even if their parent was less than a good parent, somewhere, deep down, children want their parent's love and approval. Then this disease happens and that person who was such a powerful force in your life is slowly destroyed by it. And as the adult child, you have no control over the disease but you can manage the situation in the best possible way so that there will not be any regrets later that you didn't do all you could to make sure your parent had the best possible care. The thing is, the best possible care is really from someone who is not as emotionally involved with the parent and doesn't have a history with them and also from someone who is well rested and able to cope with an extremely demanding patient because the caregiver knows they will be going home after their shift. That's why your BF needs to begin marshaling resources now - to make sure his dad gets the best possible care. No matter how well-meaning, it is really impossible for a son to be the best caregiver. If you want a job done right, hire a professional to do it.

As to payment, if the father or his wife was ever in the military, there is the VA which offers benefits to low income veterans. There are also medicaid benefits if his income level is too low to pay for his care after all of his assets have been used up. It may be that the father purchased longterm care insurance for himself at some point which can be used to pay for caregivers now. If not, then basically, his money needs to go to pay for his care.

An in home caregiver costs anywhere from $16 to $25 per hour. It is best to go through an established agency as they have completed background checks on all their employees, provide training in dementia care and also have people they can switch in and out as needed, so your BF will never be faced with a situation where he needs a caregiver for his father but one is not available. Dementia care is really a calling and it takes a special person to have the patience to do that. All of my parents caregivers are very unique and special and have been really good to my parents. It is such a relief to know that people like this exist and are there for you and your parents in their time of need. The really great thing is that the caregivers come into work fully rested and not stressed out and they are fully trained and very experienced in dealing with dementia patients, so it is so much easier for them to deal with our loved ones. If our parents snap at them, they retreat and try again a different way until they get our parents to do what they need to do. The only issue with having caregivers from an agency is in a situation where the weather is so bad it is impossible to get a caregiver to the parents home. But that is not something that happens often. In fact, this last winter, the caregiving company was so concerned about my parents, they hired professional drivers with cars equipped for the weather to pickup the caregivers at their homes and drive the caregivers to my parents house so there was at least some degree of coverage on ice days. And the caregivers do become emotionally attached to the people they are serving. It's really a very heartwarming situation and if your BF saw how incredibly well this works, I think he wouldn't hesitate for even a second to hire in caregivers. The caregivers are also great sounding boards and great about telling you what is needed. For example, right now my mother has a bowel impaction - a not uncommon problem with dementia patients, so the caregivers called in one of the company's registered nurses. She is going to solve this problem by giving my mother an enema and I don't have to worry about it. This nurse knows what she is doing, has done this before and has developed a good trust relationship with my mother. This will prevent an extra doctors visit. If something else was going on, the company communicates about it to me. If they think mom needs to see a doctor they tell me and also they helped me to get mom on the medication she needs for her agitation and have notified me when the dosage needed to be increased. Later on in the process, they will advise me of when it is the right time to call in hospice and arrange everything for me. The value of having the right people to advise me on this situation is immeasurable.

The way I think about this situation, although I have a lot of medical knowledge, I'm a business person, not a doctor or nurse and I haven't had any experience with dementia prior to this. No one else in our family ever had dementia. So I've had to learn everything from the ground up. I don't have siblings or any other relatives to advise me. But one thing I do know is that when you are faced with a situation like this, you need the help and advice of professionals who have been there, done that and know what works and what doesn't. So that is why I hired a home healthcare company that specializes in working with dementia patients. And they have been absolutely wonderful and a great asset to me and my parents. I hope your BF will do the same and I hope that he will seek a caregivers support group and also counseling for himself. Losing our parents is one of the toughest most painful ordeal that we face as adults and the complication of dementia makes it worse than we ever imagined it could be. But having the right resources to help and support us and our parents through this ordeal makes all the difference.

If your BF does not have medical and financial POA, then he needs to contact an eldercare attorney and seek guardianship of his father. It costs $10,000 but the costs can come from his father's estate once his father has been declared incompetent. At that point, your BF would have full access to his father's finances and estate in order to make sure his father got the care he needed.

Don't be surprised if you get resistance from BF. He might even see you as controlling or meddling. You're asking him to do things he hasn't been willing/able to do in 51 years - go against his dad's wishes and exert control over his very onery/demanding/degrading dad. He does need counseling, but if he's like most guys, he won't want to do that. He may not be willing or able to do those things now, even with your support.

I once dated a guy who I know now was a hoarder (this was before hoarding was as publicized as it is now). He had a beautiful house that was filled to the gills with stuff. He had little pathways through the house to get to his bedroom and kitchen. Cobwebs/dirt/dust everywhere. He was a very smart guy (was an MD). I (being a psychology grad, lol) just knew I could "help" him. So I spent one whole Saturday cleaning his kitchen so we wouldn't get poisoned from eating food from it. I was just sure that when he saw the sparking kitchen, it would spur him to want to clean up the rest of his house. To make a long story short, he didn't appreciate my "help" and saw me as controlling. We parted ways, which was fine with me. I couldn't have lived in the conditions he was very comfortable in. He had some psychological issues that were more than I saw and more than he was willing to face at the time. So good luck with your BF. He may or may not be willing to work on changing.

He has had attachment problems from day one. You can't fix the situation or him. He needs therapy. As for his dad, he needs time away from him for his own mental health. When my kids were young and we would hire a sitter, sometimes one or the other would cry and have a real meltdown. As soon as we were out of the driveway, they were fine. If dad has a cow and gets his way, he will continue to have a cow. There are many home health care places with trained caregivers who could give him the time he needs to have a life. An honest dialog between the two of you is needed asap. Take your cue from that conversation and go from there.

BTW, I did order "Understanding the Dementia Experience" and "Elder Rage, or Take my Father Please." I'm going to give them to him when I see him this weekend. I think he's under more stress than he is letting on and doesn't want to admit it because he doesn't want to appear weak. I think these books will help him to know that so many others have been in the same boat, and it's normal to feel stressed and it's not considered a weakness. Also, that it's ok to ask for and get help, and know what to do and how to do it as the stages progress. My only concern is whether or not there are the funds to hire help to come in. I know BF doesn't have the money. His dad might have the money, but I know his dad would not allow it to be spent on that. I'm not sure if he has access to his dad's checking/savings accounts. He seems tight-lipped when it comes to talking about that kind of stuff. But, other family members have assured me that his dad has the money. He is just too cheap/stubborn to spend it. I know.....this is where BF needs to step up and be the parent. I plan on going over all of this with him this weekend. Hopefully, we can develope a 'plan of attack,' so to speak. Thanks again (((hug)))!

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Moxie! This is more than I had hoped for and exactly what I needed. You are a God send! I did copy and paste most, but not all, of it and emailed it to him. I just hope he isn't offended. I explained that it was meant to help him. I'm sure he is majorly stressed and possibly depressed, although he hides it well. The stress of possibly losing me has added to it. But I have assured him that I wil be with him through it all and we WILL get though this. Your advice will allow us to not go through it blindly. Thanks, again!

Waiting4alife, good path in setting an example for your daughter. Not just considering "religious" reasons but practical ones. The institution of marriage protects both spouses, protects the union and has social "privileges" in civil law. sigh of relief! Moxie1 has a good life "project plan" for transitioning your BF's elderly father.

waiting4alife, copy the text I wrote to your email and send it to your BF. Tell him it is an email from a friend of yours from church or whatever. Tell him first that I'm not criticizing him, I'm sharing my experience because I'm about a year ahead of him and essentially in the exact same situation as he is. Your BF is struggling with a painful and incredibly difficult situation. He is on the front lines of this battle with dementia and he probably can't see the forest for the trees because he is so busy putting out fires. I don't doubt that he is exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally and completely overwhelmed because this disease is incredibly difficult to cope with, particularly in the stages his father is in. The arc of the disease is such that things are going to get worse, far, far worse and at the end, the caregiver is often so worn out they only feel relief when their parent passes on. And then they feel guilt because they aren't crying. Your BF is going to need all the support you can give him to get through this. He may become depressed and once his dad dies, he will struggle - let me clue you in, there are some great books on dealing with the death of your parents available on Amazon - such as "Losing your parents, Finding yourself: The defining turning point of adult life" by Victoria Secunda and "The Orphaned Adult" by Alexander Levy. I recommend you go ahead and get these books and read them so you will know how to support your BF. And when his dad dies, give your boyfriend the books or if you feel they will help him now, give him the books now - after all he has already lost his mother. There are also some very practical books on Eldercare that may help your BF through this transitional stage - the only issue is if he will actually have the time to read them, but consider getting him these:

The Eldercare Handbook: Difficult choices, compassionate solutions by Stella Mora Henry and Ann Convery

Eldercare 911: The caregiver's complete guidebook for making decisions

Elder Rage or Take my father please, How to survive caring for aging parents - this particular book is especially appropriate for your BF now and may save him a great deal of grief in the near future and long run as he goes through the dementia journey with his father.

I think more than anything, knowing that there are others who are going through the same thing and have dealt with pretty much every problem he is dealing with will help your boyfriend - which is why I recommend the message board caregiver's forum on the Alzheimer's website for your BF. There are solutions to nearly any problem there and if he can't find the problem on the board he can post it and get some quick advice on solutions from people who have been there, done that.

Wow, Moxie1! It's all there in black and white! Thanks for the info and insight! Very helpful! I may actually let him read this part of the thread.. : )

Wasn't planning on co-habitating, eldest. I would not set that example for my daughter. Nope. Marriage is the only way we will live under the same roof.

No probate court would consider a change of beneficiary with a deceased person diagnosed with dementia or alzheimer's.

If you and your BF got engaged (truly engaged), what is the worst that could happen? No reputable attorney would advise a cranky old man with health problems including dementia to change his will.

Waiting4alife, I am against an independent woman cohabitating with a future husband (even with an engagement ring).

Engagement rings (diamond 1/4 to 1/3 carat solitaire decent E or F clarity) in a solid 14K gold ring setting can be bought new or gently used (estate) on EBay for $200 to $500 depending the gold content. The "engagement" is a time of planning.

Why can't you both get engaged? The Heck with the prospective Father in Law! Do the "old fashioned" thing: get engaged!!!!!!! Plan for a happy marriage together!

A "forgetful" prospective father in law cannot change his will (and if he did, it could successfuly be challenged in probate court). A legitimate probate attorney would warn your prospective father in law against changing beneficiary (if prospective father in law is medically Dx with dementia, probate court would consider his actions questionable).

Get courage in your heart. Plan for a solid, happy future with your fiance. Get engaged. Women can propose in 2014.

He can hire a caregiver and get a backbone with his Dad. I think this is a really big red flag. I have caregivers for my Mom & she always says "I'm not going to talk to her." I tell her fine and leave.

ba8alou, Thank you! Dad thought mom would NEVER accept caregivers, but it turned out all of his fears were flat out wrong! I used a method called "benign dominance" which means you impose your will on someone else without them realizing what you are doing - at least at first. For dad, having a laundress was a necessity because he needed clean clothes, has never done laundry in his life/doesn't know how and mom no longer had any idea as to how to do laundry. I live an hour and a half away, so there was no way I could do my parents laundry all the time. I knew that caregivers do laundry for those they are caring for. It was the perfect excuse to do what needed to be done. Three weeks into having caregivers, all objections had ceased. Dad told me he could now see that in order for them to continue to live at home, they had to have caregivers. Once in a while I would get a complaint from mom because the company would send a new caregiver and mom would be disappointed the "friend" she was expecting didn't come. But new caregivers soon become "old friends."

Oh man, Moxie, you really have a great plan here, for us all. Thank you!

Here's the deal. I think that your BF needs some help. He is at the point where he needs to transition from being a son to actually being a caregiver of his father and taking more of a parental or managerial role in this situation as opposed to allowing his father to rule the house. Your BF's dad has dementia and from the sounds of it, he is probably stage 5 or early stage 6. There are 7 stages, btw, so he's fairly far along the arc of the disease, which is fatal and progressive in all cases. Incidentally, I don't know when the father was diagnosed, but the vast majority of patients diagnose over the age of 84 succumb to the disease on average within 6 years of diagnosis. It could be longer or shorter, dementia is incredibly individual. Right now, your BF's dad can be left alone for a few hours, sort of, but he has gotten into mischief multiple times. He is paranoid and refuses outside help - both of these are symptoms of this disease which should be ignored by his caregiver in regards to making decisions about care. The paranoia and refusal of outside help are based on two things: 1. Fear of losing control and 2. agitation caused by the brain damage the father is experiencing. Hopefully, your BF has already got his father's medical and financial Power of Attorney. If not, he really needs to get these documents NOW or your BF is going to be in a huge mess as his father's disease progresses. If your BF has the POA documents, then it is HIS decision, not his fathers, as to if there will be caregivers in the house and even as to where his father resides and the fact is, in a short amount of time, there will have to be caregivers in the house because the father is going to require 24x7 care. The father really should not be left alone at all at this point because he might do something like decide to heat up some soup, put it on the stove, forget about it and burn the house down. He has already had a number of close calls such as the roof incident. So, realistically, the father needs someone to prevent him from causing harm to himself or others. Later on he will start wandering at night and your BF cannot stay up 24x7x7. It's physically impossible. So, the fact is, your BF needs to make a change in how he is managing the situation and recognize that HE is now the person who is in charge of his father and his father's home. This is a difficult transition to make. I know, because I had to do this with my mother. I am also an only child, but unlike your BF, I separated myself from my parents, had a career and got married. I don't have children, but I do know how to manage and parent my parents. When my mom developed dementia, she refused to have help in the house and the house got filthy and laundry piled up for 3 months at which point, as POA, I stepped in and made some much needed changes. My dad is still alive, btw, but he would do anything NOT to anger mom because she would yell at him for hours, also, he is in early stages of dementia. Me, I don't care if mom is mad at me. I let what she says go in one ear and out the other. I do care about her and my dad's health and safety. I care about doing what is right to make sure that my parents have the care they need and live in a clean and sanitary environment. So, I hired a housekeeping service to clean the house and then I hired a caregiver for my mother. I lied to both of my parents and told them that she was a laundress. (LOL!) At that point, mom was piling her clothes around the house and the "laundresses" job was to wash clothes and sheets and also to hang the clean clothes mom had put in piles back up. I also spent an entire day with the "laundress" cleaning out my parents closets. We got rid of old clothes and simplified things. I donated some 30+ bags of old clothes to the Goodwill. Mom was mad as hell about the housekeepers and laundress. I told mom I was her POA and that was how things were going to be from now on and I didn't care if she liked it or not. I also told her she was being an ingrate when I had set up everything so that she was being waited on hand and foot and that anyone else would be thrilled to have this help. I put my foot down and ignored all her protestations. She would call me on the phone and tell me off and all I would say is "Ok." Of course, the thing was, the housekeepers and caregiver worked for me, not her, so mom couldn't fire any of them and I told them this in front of mom. So mom would call me and try to get me to fire them and I'd listen to what she said and say "OK." but, of course, I wasn't about to fire anyone. Really, I found it amusing at times and annoying at other times, but recognizing that mom has dementia, I would talk to her like I was listening to her concerns and of course, just continue on with things setup the way I wanted them. By the next day mom would have forgotten about talking to me about firing everyone.

As it turned out, my decision to step in and take control was timely because a two weeks later, we learned my father had cancer and needed surgery. At that point I explained to my dad who the "laundress" really was and we started having in daily caregivers 5 days a week. In a month, when dad went into the hospital I increased the schedule to 24x7. In my mother's case, the dementia has progressed fairly rapidly. Just a year ago she was early stage 6, now she seems to be in early stage 7.

Anyway, my point in all of this is that your BF seems to be stuck, where he has not made the transition to take control of and manage or parent his father. Your BF really needs to make this transition because, in an extreme case, if his father managed to hurt himself and wound up in the hospital ER and the doctors found out he had been diagnosed with dementia and your BF had left him home alone, then as mandatory reporters, the doctors would be forced to call in Adult Protective Services and your BF could go to jail for elder abuse and/or neglect and his father could be taken away from him and your BF would have no say as to his father's care. The court would appoint a guardian and that person would be the father's medical and financial POA and your husband would be shut out. In addition, because the time when 24x7 care will be needed is rapidly approaching because dementia/Alzheimers is a progressive fatal illness with no effective treatment or cure, your BF needs to get his father used to having caregivers around because either there will have to be caregivers or his father will have to go into a memory care facility. Those are the ONLY two realistic options. My recommendation is that your BF start with one or two days per week right now and use an excuse such as the caregiver is a "laundress" just like I did. Of course, the laundress will not only do laundry and make beds, she will prepare breakfast and lunch for dad, keep him company and make sure he is safe. Hire a caregiver from a company that specializes in caregivers for people with dementia. Your BF can meet her BEFORE she meets his dad and clue her in on the ruse he is using to explain why she is at the house. Caregivers who are experienced with caring for dementia patients understand how things are and will go along with this. I think that your BF will find that at first dad will be irate and complain and try to fire the caregiver, but after a few weeks, he will become attached to the caregiver and will even be upset if the caregiver is changed out.

Your BF needs to learn how to "talk dementia" and that means, not to take the insults and verbal attacks personally. He needs to learn to keep his voice low and speak slowly so as not to add to his fathers agitation, to not move around a lot or be dramatic around his father as these can escalate agitation and your BF also needs to have a safety plan because his father may try to hit him or a caregiver. The usual safety plan is to have a cellphone on him at all times and if his dad becomes violent, lock himself in the bathroom and call 911. Your BF should make sure that all weapons are removed from the house. There have been cases where dementia patients had hallucinations and got ahold of weapons and attempted to kill (and in some cases actually killed) their own family members. In addition, your BF needs to take his dad to the doctor and ask for medication for agitation for his dad.

I believe that if you can help your BF to make this necessary transition, then he will, have more free time. I don't know if it will change your relationship or not, but I do know that your BF clearly needs some guidance as to how to be a better caregiver to a dementia patient. You cannot, as a caregiver of a dementia patient, allow the inmate to run the asylum...which is what your BF is currently doing. All too soon, your BF's father will progress in his dementia and things will get far worse than they are now. Changes can happen as fast as overnight. This is why it is so imperative that your BF make this transition now. I wish him the best in this painful and difficult journey. There is another message board for Alzheimer's patient's family on the internet that would be of help to him, so I hope he googles Alzheimer's Association and goes to the message board for caregivers.

I also want to give you a couple of links that may be of assistance to you both in understanding exactly what your BF is up against. One link is to the document called "Understanding the Dementia Experience" by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller:

smashwords/books/view/210580

This link explains the stages of Alzheimers/dementia:
http://www.alz.org/alzheimers_disease_stages_of_alzheimers.asp