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My mom did the same thing and I was across the country from her. I called the neighbor and he went over and knocked on the door. My mother still didn't return my call and I called again. (this had been going on for a few days and my mom had already let me know that she didn't need anyone's help and blah blah blah).
This time my mom answered the phone and called me every name in the book for 'disturbing' her and how dare I 'intrude', etc etc.
Well, she didn't speak to me for 3 months and since my mom had always been a, shall we say, difficult personality, I went with it and still called about every other day and she would answer but always be busy so we were on the phone for less than 30 seconds.
In retrospect I realized that she was dealing with Dementia but I didn't know it at the time and this was over 11 years ago when there wasn't much info out there like there is today.
About a year after the neighbor went over to check on her and she was speaking to me again on the phone and something just didn't sound right.
I booked a flight without telling her (she NEVER wanted me to come 'home') and went out to see her and the moment I walked into her house my life changed.
I realized what she had been trying to hide.
I gave up my job and life and cared for her until her death.
When they start the not answering the phone and reclusive behavior routine in many many cases you are in the END of early stage Dementia.
They are masters of masking the early stages and it can be almost impossible to see unless you are with them on a daily basis.
I'm sorry and I wish you the best of luck.
Please keep in mind that I am not a doctor, but this site is full of stories where the doctors miss the symptoms and have a hard time diagnosing this stuff because they see the person for 10 minutes and the patient is really good at playing the game of hiding what they are about.
This early time is important because this is when you can intervene with Namenda or Aricept and SLOW down the progression. Dementia is a progressive disease and it is not a part of normal aging. Don't let anyone tell you different.
I gave my mom Namenda and in spite of a recent study slamming it, it was amazing for her and really helped her have extra time and feel better about herself.
This is a difficult issue and the usual response is for folks to say, oh no, that's not what's going on and be in denial big time.
What you're witnessing is a personality and habit change and now I know better and hopefully you do too.
One of the biggest issues for the parent is to be able to stay in their home. If you intervene soon enough you can get all that set up so they can stay home and be safe and sound.
All of that info is here on this site.
Once again, good luck and keep us posted.
lovbob
For others, it may be the onset of more serious Alz. symptoms. There is a detachment from the "real world." If you are not a caregiver, you would think that it happens all at once. But, in fact, the deterioration happens in increments over time. That is why it is so hard to catch.
I thought about buying one of those medic alert systems...but I know mom would not wear the pendant on a regular basis. So we compromised by buying her a cell phone as a back up. Sometimes she wouldn't put the reg. phone back properly in the holder. So we call on the cell and have her hang up the other phone.
It is funny how, when things change for our parents, we adapt as caregivers.
Sometimes I don’t feel like talking either but I know that it’s very important to stay connected, especially if you live alone. Is it possible that your mom will make a call once or twice a day, maybe she’ll feel better thinking that she’s checking on you and your siblings. Many times our Elders feel useless and the smallest acts can make them feel needed or useful.
I hope to hear what works for you all, we become more creative with the challenges we are presented.
Best wishes.
Once her phone was not in its cradle, so it was ringing. I called phone co to make sure the line was ok.
I have called police to check and they have done so a couple times but can't keep bothering them when she won't answer.
Neighbors no longer will stop by because she either won't answer door to them or she has chased them away and been nasty.
I tried calling every day at a certain agreed to time with her, but after a couple months she stopped and said she didn't like me checking up on her....
I have given up and call but if she doesn't answer I no longer worry as I just can't anymore. I know one day she may fall and lay there helpless or die without anyone knowing, but she wants it this way. She has refused an alert system, camera monitoring, portable doorbell and in home care.
You can't force anything on them. You can try for the personal alert system with the necklace or bracelet, but my mom said she wouldn't wear one and refused.
At this point, it is fair to say that your Mom is in no position to be living alone. She needs a caregiver, assisted living or other.
I still let my mom keep me at arm's length for a while, and a good neighbor of hers plus my own ignorance of dementia at the time kind of enabled that. But said neighbor saved her life by noticing that she didn't pick up her newspaper and had taken a fall, then called me. Until I got there, I had never even had a key to that home I grew up in before. And mom never did make it back...might have been different if we'd seen the need to get some help in place before Mom was messing up with her medications and such.
The devil is in the details - short answer is that for now the POA is there as a "just -in-case" thing, or maybe you are using it to conduct financial or business type things for her with her consent. For that to go any further, you typically need letters of incapacity and her regular doctor and any specialist could possibly provide them if appropriate.
So, evaluate the degree of danger - realize that a geriatric eval could be billed as more medical than psych and maybe entice Mom to go. But if that is a no go, and Dad is not stepping up to keep things safe or would not call 911 or you for help and the dangers are real and "imminent," then you contact an elder law office, consider guardianship, and/or call in Adult Protective Services.
What is more important, that your brother is alive and doing ok, or that the city might condemn his house?