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You are very right that on your own you can't change this lifestyle or your enmeshement with your mother at the hip. I'm not a therapist, but I've been in therapy enough to know that it would help you to get to point B from point A.
I agree that a good amount of preparating and planning for taking this vacation is a good thing, but again you can't borrow trouble from in the future. What if you break down and have a heart attack or a nervous break down or your husband gets tired and fed up with you being joined at the hip with your mom and leaves, but never really says why. I've not had to deal with that joined at the hip thing in terms of care giving, but I've had to deal with it in my mariage and it an't no fun feeling like a single parent who is married to someone whose more married to their mom than they are to you and thus you feel like you are married to more than one person, pardon my dang bluntness as a husband and I sure hope this is not true or ever will be true of you and your husband.
All in all, I wish you the best as you consider all the good help shared her and exercise the power of your own choices. Don't ever forget, the one thing you always have is the power of choice although it's hardly ever easy sometimes.
All my life I have been one of those people who puts everyone else first before myself. It's just my nature. A part of who I am. Although I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, there are plenty of times that I wish I wasn't that way. Although I do try to veer from that pattern, it has been with only a little success. I'm not sure if I can just simply change who I am or change my nature and in this particular instance...it is kind of a hinderance.
I'm not acually afraid to rock the boat in the aspect that I'm afraid she'll be upset with me or disappointed. Over the past year, she has basically attached herself to my hip so to speak. She won't even believe what her docs tell her until I reiterate it. I think it's past experience that makes me dread it. The last few times that she was in the hospital, even pre-dementia, she came home completely unhinged....delerious, delusions and all. We have slowly been working on this. Trying to lessen her separation anxiety with short trips to the senior center where she's without me for an hour or two at a time and slowly increasing the time she's away from me. My fear is that she'll be in such a sad state of loony affairs til I get back home that a vacation may actually create more work and stress for me in the long run. And in her present state of health, as much as a vacation would help me, I'm not sure that it's in her best interest health-wise. Along with a pacemaker, numerous stents, several anxiety disordes, several mini-strokes and the dementia, today she was diagnosed with Parkinsons. Which actually explains alot of the other medical problems. What a vicious circle. Without my sanity, she has nobody to care for her but a vacation to restore my sanity may put her in a state of health where my help will do her no good. Vacation hasn't been ruled out but I do think that a well thought out game plan and some serious preparation will definitely make the transition smoother. We'll work on it. Thanks.
Sounds to me like a huge amount of FOG has surrounded you like fog on the London Bridge or clouds above the ocean along the big sur in California which keep one from seeing the coast below.
First, has your mother's deminatia been deterimed by her doctor that she is not able to conduct her business in a business like manner? If not, I would let the doctor know what is going on and that you need his assessment and if he's as good as my mother's neurologist is, he will move from the assessment to some persuation about letting you help her with I'm assuming the POA that you have which again I'm assuming she's already given you for such a time as this. I think my mother's neurologist must have had some training in counseling he was so smooth about this and he so has her trust that she listened to him.
Second, I think you recognize the FOG, but in order to really deal with it, take the break you need before you break and join the statistics of fallen caregivers, I urge you to get some counseling or find an dementia support groupt to help you get from point A to point B.
Third, Yes it's going to be tough to not think about your mother, but remind yourself that you've placed her somewhere temporarily where she is safe and carred for. By being afraid of being misserable (which BTW will make your husband also) and fear of being misserable when you come home is borrowing trouble from the future which you have not control over and keeps you chained to the present.
Fourth. You might need to ask yourself and maybe discuss with your husband also for he's part of the whole equation. Why are you so afraid of how your mother will react to spending money so you can get a break to keep you healthy as a caregiver and so afraid, I assume, of her reaction to your vacation when you return? That seems to be a very big, bold and underlined capital F. of the fog. Why do you feel so obligated to not rock the boat and make some short term changes to take care of yourself and your marriage? Does she make you feel so obligated to being right there and guilty about any idea of doing something for your own life that you don't feel worthy of taking care of yourself? Please know that you are worthy of taking care of yourself and if you don't take care of you then who is going to take care of her! Why do you anticipate such a burden or guilt trip in reaction to the very idea of a short term break in care to care for yourself or was that programmed in as a small child? Those are my questions about the other two letters of F.O.G. that need your reflection within yourself and between you and your husband as you make plans for your own life and her care.
Fifth while our aging and declining parents may or may not really grasp or appreciate it, it's really in their best interest and ours as caregivers to make that psychological shift in the changing of the roles so that we don't fall back into shaking in our shoes like the little girl or boy we once were and be the adult child caregiver who sees through, past and above the F.O.G. in making adult like decisions about their parent's care and their own care.
I'm jealous, reading by a quite lake with snack. That's great. Enjoy your day.
If you every need to chat, need support or advice send me a line.
Love your avatar/photo- very pretty. Does it represent anything? Favorite artist, your artwork, or something you enjoy?
Sorry I put in the wrong information regarding the prices of respite care. It's $195-$$250 a DAY, not a week. It's expensive, but if your really need the help and the rest -you should do it. Look online for "senior day care in your area. The one my mother goes to is half a mile away, I never knew they were there. I usually put her in for a couple of hours 3x a week for 4-5 hours.
Don't feel bad about hiring someone to give her a bath. I hired a home care provider to help with shower, nails, and change her bedding. Yes, I could do it to, but this way I don't have to, plus I can have some time to rest or tend to things I've been putting off.
Even if you only get 2.5 hours of free time, DON"T do errands or choirs. You can always get to them later. Do something for yourself: exercise, have a picnic in the park, visit the library or book store and brows magazines or books, go to a restaurant, or get a manicure. Anything just for you.
In the beginning I only had two or three hours of free time, here or there. I wasted my free time on dumb chores. I used to complain I never get a chance to read anymore. I had to make an extra effort to take the time to read. It's so rewarding to be able to say I finally finished a book.
Everyone need time to recharge and refuel. You'll be a better caregiver, when you take care of yourself. Like you said, "You can put a price on sanity". Best wishes to you.
Another option is try "Senior Day Care". I was at my wits ends when I was caring for my elderly mother, with little to no help at all. I was overwhelm, depressed, and loosing my self. Then, I found a Day Care facility near my home, it was a great help. She went for couple hours to several hours a day just so I could get some rest and recuperate. She was able to make new friends and participate in activities. The fees are affordable: $10 hour, I could use as much or as little as I needed. It's help with relieve stress immensely.
Third option, is hire someone to come into your home and care for her 24/7 while your on vacation. The are home care providers that hire nurses and licensed caregivers to stay at your home to a care for your love one. Check around, do research to find the best on to fit your needs, make sure they are licensed and bonded. That means they thoroughly check and screen the people they hire. If there is theft in the home they will go after the perpetrator, or if there is an accident in the home your protected form being sued if the care giver is injured. In addition, home care providers can help with bathing, meals, senior-sitting (babysitting), transportation to doctors, and more on a daily bases.
Your lucky, you only had your love one for a sort time. You haven't had to care for your love on continuously for years and years, your just starting out. Find out all you can before you become a statistic as Crowemagnum had mentioned at the top. I didn't know about resources, forums, online support, home care assistance, day care or respite. After caring for my mother for four years with little to no help or vacations, finally I'm getting my life back with getting the extra help I needed. I just wish I had know about all this sooner.
Good Luck to you.
If you think 6 months is tough, the stories of others here are heartbreaking as I read about the loss of their own mental and physcial health, some have lost contact with family or friends, loosing their jobs, spending all of their own savings and retirement, closing a business they started, leaving a home of several yers, children feel alienated, people divorcing, absolutely not having any life at all, and living under the Fear, Obligation and Guilt often placed upon them as a child which now their parent used to keep them intraped as if carring for them at home equals promissing to take care of them or honoring your parents ,etc. just to share a summary of the worst that I've read since coming her in November.
I don't know the answer to your question, but based on my experience with putting my mother into rehab after a stroke, the nursing home saw her need for her to stay there, but my sttep-dad wanted her home which became a major mistake. Be ready if a rehab or nursing home takes her to first pay some big bucks unless you have a doctor's order for her to go to such whereby medicare B would pay 100% for the first 20 days and second for them to tell you that she's really too much to have at home which will only get worse and worse and place an incredible burdern on you, your marriage, your daughter, etc.
You definitely need a break, but you also need to take a serious look and have a serious discussion about why you brought her into your house and how realistic is this care given the other parts of your life?