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No person who grew up with selfish or abusive parents should ever feel a moment of guilt if they drop them in a nursing home when they can no longer do for themselves.
No one should expect to get more than they were willing to give in this life.
Think about it -- once people become elderly, the multitasking of caring for others in addition to oneself becomes impossible. Eventually, caring for oneself is too much of a burden, too, but your survival instinct says someone has to make sure you're cared for, so you demand others do it. That's what people like to call narcissism. (It isn't, but that's beside the point.)
Compassion and patience are the best way to handle the situation. If there was ever a time to put yourself in someone else's shoes, this is it.
I think we need to differentiate between normalized aging self-focus and clinical narcissism because they are very different and there are elderly narcissists who make the lives of their families a living hell.
Aging (she's 90) has just made her 'filter' disappear completely, so the things she used to just 'think' now come flying out of her mouth w/o regard to who she hurts or what she says.
She's not sick, in fact, she's in remarkably good health. So it's not illness that she's complaining about--it's EVERYTHING.
Somehow, EVERYTHING is about her. She's not going to change, so we keep contact to an absolute minimum. In fact, I have not seen nor spoken to her for over a year.
riight!Their boundaries go and the really awful
truth comes flying out of their mouths.I have had it if this is what they are REALLY like!
It is a world becoming smaller and smaller and not being able to comprehend the wide needs of others.
It is BRAIN DEATH.
You are right. Dementia will make an already insufferable, selfish, mean-spirited person even worse.
Just plain old age will do it too.
She has zero ability any longer to understand the needs of others.
She sees those around her solely as means to take care of Her needs.
Mom VERY MUCH reminds me of my two year old grandson. He actually, though, is beginning to have empathy for and demonstrates love to others.
It's REALLY hard to watch my mother like this. Sigh.
I asked my MIL if her mom was mean because she was having a hard time accepting getting older. Her response to me was, “My mom has always been mean ever since I was a young child!”
My mom always said that my grandmother was a sweet woman and she certainly was sweet in her older years.
I'm trying give to cope with the self involvement and other issues.
My FIL on the other hand, is a true narcissist. He has always been this way and it is getting worse the older he gets. He has narrowed his world down to his children and their spouses. Even his grands will rarely be in his presence. He has no empathy - he does not possess the ability to empathize. He cannot understand how his behaviors impact others. He cannot understand that others do not exist to facilitate HIS life. In HIS reality, everyone else exists to ensure that his life is facilitated to his standards. He gaslights, he bullies, he abuses. He is the textbook definition of a narcissist. But that did not come on by virtue of aging. It HAS been made worse however as a result of aging.
So I would definitely say it has to do with whether they were already a true narcissist BEFORE they got older or if the behavior is new.