By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
As others have mentioned, true narcissism isn't something that just appears overnight- it is built and genetics alone don't create it. It is a personality disorder. The conditions have to be aligned to create the perfect storm so to speak. There are very few 'self-aware' narcissists. The disorder actually works against them to prevent them from being self aware. In fact, most narcissists can recognize it in other people and will often accuse others of being narcissistic (frequently when the other person is stealing their supply). Typically if you are afraid you are one, you probably aren't.
I have paid very close attention over the last few years especially to your question. My husband is VERY concerned he will end up like his father. While he can sometimes have selfish tendencies (can't we all) I am married to a man who would turn the world upside down for his family. He spent years being his father's verbal (and unfortunately also physical) punching bag. His sister did too. They were both under the impression that the other was the Golden Child. They were both the Scapegoat. They were both robbed of a childhood and they were both robbed of having the father they deserved. What my husband sees as him behaving like his father is often just him behaving like a normal person in my opinion - him expecting people to treat him as he deserves to be treated - well. But he was taught that he wasn't allowed to have an opinion, he wasn't allowed to speak up for himself or stand his ground so when he steps out of those boundaries he feels like he is imposing on people and being a jerk.
My husband and his sister could benefit from therapy. They have spent a lot time talking since we all became caregivers for FIL. They have learned a lot about their childhoods that they had repressed as MIL put a lot of energy into pretending and protecting. They listen to me and my BIL talk about our 'normal' (read only slightly dysfunctional) childhoods and compare and are just now beginning to recognize that their childhoods weren't what everyone else had.
While I do think there is some level of genetics involved, I think environment plays a HUGE part, but also your predisposition and personality also play a huge part.
My FIL had one parent who condemned him as the crap under his shoe, worthless. And he had another parent who, in trying to counteract his father, spent all of her time convincing my FIL that he was the second coming. I can see how this was a lot of mixed signals. My FIL has NEVER been held accountable by ANYONE. He has never been told no or been made to be responsible for his own actions in nearly 90 years. And people have enabled him his entire life. That will twist your brain significantly and if you are predisposed to a personality disorder - you are done.
My FIL was a perfect storm. He was genetically predisposed. His father was a narc, his mother was a SUPER enabler and his grandmother was as well and she lived with them. They OVER enabled him. He married an enabler. He conditioned his children to obey or pay. And the system has worked in his favor for nearly 90 years. It is only now that he is nearing the end that his supply has dried up and he is facing narcissistic collapse that he is seeing that he can't control everything.
I think if you are worried you could be a narcissist, the chances are slim that you actually are one. But if you are self aware enough to recognize that you have areas of concern, I think we all have areas that we can focus on for self improvement.
My father was basically ignored by his mother who in my view was a cold miserable thing. His father on the other hand was a lovely man. My dad has told me frequently in the last few years that he is positive that his mother disliked him as a child ( owing to a few things that she did to him psychologically) and that this dislike carried on into his adult years. She had her favourites ( my dad had 5 brothers). Over the years he has displayed misogynistic views about women generally and I’ve always maintained that his mother must have done a real job on him, for my father to be so anti women. I feel sorry for him now he’s an old man and the toxic upbringing that he had.
ever made. When I called him on it years later, he wasn’t sorry he was defensive, and non accountable. I was wrong and he was right.
https://www.businessinsider.com/how-children-grow-up-to-be-narcissists-2017-10
There's a TON of info on the internet about NPD; just Google it.
Good luck!
I take great comfort that I am not at all like anyone in my immediate family.
Thank goodness there is so much more information about narcissism on the web than 20+ years ago. As well as vastly increased public awareness. Narcissists are now being held accountable, questions asked, their awful behaviors not tolerated. How I hope this continues and more people are protected, saved from them.
A few months in and it was really difficult getting along. I remember one time she made some "final" nasty remark; I couldn't take it. My daughter lives here also and stayed around and I drove a few hours back to the area I used to live years ago and loved, and slept in the car overnight. I actually walked into Walmart and bought a sleeping bag, a pillow, some Hershey dark chocolate kisses, a bottle of wine, and a flashlight, and a cell phone charger. Slept in the car overnight, think that was the night I found out about this website and began reading and venting.
And when I went home the next day, over the next few weeks I ordered some books about daughters of narcissistic mothers and other similar ones, and plowed through reading and underlining and starring things that jumped out at me in similarity... and I began to really learn the extent of it.
Mom continued living with me the next 6 years. There were arguments, times when she'd storm off into her bedroom, accusations by each of us.... and then there were also good times, laughing together and enjoying one another.
Three years in, Mom had a stroke and heart attack at age 94... thought that would be the end, but she showed her strength and recuperated fully within a couple of months. Sometime after that, I thing we both kind of changed. She softened and we got along better; I could see she was getting older and tried to be better at getting along.
Mom passed away 2 weeks ago at age 97. But before she did, we managed to take a long vacation. We cruised twice, flew to Dublin, Ireland so she could finally for once in her life see her "heritage". She asked me 6 and 7 times within minutes where we were, but she enjoyed it. It rained in Dublin for 2 days. The final day was really cold and so windy, but I bundled both of us up and pushed Mom in her wheelchair all around the cobblestoned roads Dublin, and saw The Long Room at Trinity College ( a beautiful old, old huge library ), St Patrick's Cathedral, a little of Fleet Street, and stopped in Butlers Chocolate Cafe and had a cup of hot chocolate and a slice of cake and brownie.
Throughout our entire vacation, people stopped by Mom and me and wished her well. And when we came home, a week later she was hospitalized for her congestive heart failure and kidney failure and later passed away quietly and comfortably in Hospice.
There are different people, different affects of narcissism, and anyone who has not lived through it cannot fathom the difficulties that extends into all areas of the lives of those affected. The sooner people affected can read and understand about it, the sooner you can heal and learn how to live. Reading the books I did, and understanding that narcissism was a real, tangible thing, I was able to start moving through it and how to deal with it and heal.
We aren't a creature who likes being "without answers" so often enough we make them up. "Oh, she's a narcissist because.............." or "Oh, of course he feels responsible for the whole world; he was raised by a narcissist."
There are also degrees in most of these labels, as most humans --indeed most animals--are self motivated and self seeking. The Narcissist sometimes doesn't even "recognize" that there IS another, let alone have empathy for the other's needs.
Fun to discuss it all, but I think we won't ever have the answer other than the current "vogue " of current thought and DSM manual rewrites.
your answers are always helpful.
But what I do know is that having a narcissistic parent can leave its damage on some level, and it's helpful to work through this in order to move past it.
See All Answers