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Our circumstances change and it’s difficult for us to adjust. Transitioning to a new way of doing things is always the hardest part.
In time, you will see that you are making the best choice for your mom and yourself.
Having guilt isn’t a burden that you should be carrying. You didn’t cause your mother’s condition and you have your own life to live.
Of course, you are sad that about the circumstances. That’s perfectly normal.
Wishing you peace.
She recognized this would make her feel not alone as well .
Even if you were home with her all the time. You are only one person . She has many now , and she is protected from wandering . She also may make friends her own age . You can visit as much as you want . Nothing to feel guilty about .
You didn't cause this.
You can't fix this.
Guilt isn't appropriate in any way.
I think that the words we tell ourselves are very important as they carve out paths in our brain that we walk out of habit. We define and judge ourselves with these words.
I would suggest you change out for the other G-word, GRIEF. THAT is what you are feeling. You feel grief for your parent, grief for your own limitations as a human being. It is a kind of hubris to think you have god-like powers to change this, to be able to have no job, to be able to accomplish 24/7 care of another person. We see people here vie for Sainthood daily. They are, as all Saints are, broken by it. It's a bad job description.
You are standing witness to a tragedy, to someone you love losing everything that made them who they were. It is a living death and you are being forced to see it with no powers to change it.
Is that not worth grieving?
I am so sorry. I must tell you that when my parents died, each in their 90s, I felt nothing so much as relief for the fact they no longer had to suffer these inexorable losses, relief I no longer had to fear for them, nor they for themselves.
Please don't put the mantle of grief over the burdens you already shoulder. That you care so much speaks well of you.
I agree with you. Working as a caregiver is so much harder than any other job that we have done.
You’re wise to place your mom. It’s still stressful to be an advocate for your mother while she’s in a facility but it’s a relief not to be doing the hands on caregiving yourself.
You’ll get through this. You have a good head on your shoulders. Wishing you all the best.
The fact is that she is in the best environment possible.
Thanks
Stay with agingcare forum, it is a good group. It has helped me a lot and will help us
Not many guys on here actually, but there are some, like me.
we struggle, we help each other out, we all get through it with support
sounds like you did the right thing, you had no other choice. She wanted to go and understands why she is there! Thats a win win.! So many of us have loved ones who are months in and still arguing as to why they think they can and want to "go back home" , and dont see why they need to be in AL or memory care, and fight it tooth and nail!
You should not feel guilt! you could feel sad . It is grief . and thats normal .
you did what is best and your Mom understands too! It is a sad event indeed . Feeling bad and sad is normal. But dont feel guilt.
Time will help you. Now, visit at a frequency that is ok for you. Take her stuff when you visit . All will be good...
This forum is great . Feelings as if we "want to get rid of them" even though we loved them before, and "hate of the disease" are totally welcome discussion points. No items are taboo in an anonymous online support forum.
It will seem like the time flies by.
Even though we tell her its not safe for her to be alone, she cries and insists she wants to go home. How is the best way to handle that?
Also living out of state makes me feel so helpless.
You can feel guilty if you kept her home and were unable to SAFELY care for her.
You can NOT feel guilty if you place her in Memory Care because that was the safe thing to do.
You can feel sad
You can feel grief
You can feel angry at the disease (not mom or yourself)
but you can't feel "guilty"