Is it wrong to encourage parents to seek senior living?

My widowed mother agreed to move to AL because when she asked her DOCTOR he said he thought it was a good idea. Even though I had been encouraging her to do so for several years, presenting financial, medical, and social reasons, etc. Probably because she trusted his judgement more than mine.

Is there a professional person you father might listen to and trust? Sometimes an outside voice resonates more than a child’s.

Sorry to be blunt but you contradicted your opening statement: it does indeed sound like your parents need help, more than you can now offer and what will definitely become more as time goes on. It is not 'wrong' to encourage them to consider senior care, in fact, it sounds like it's time to insist in as sensible, caring way as possible given their respective personalities, perhaps with coaching from a Social Worker. You may need to enlist the help of an Elder Law Specialist; one was invaluable in getting my mom to understand her position, to not have it coming from just 'the kid' (me! ;-}) Stop walking on eggshells; you are not 'throwing them out', you are going to help them transition to the best possible care as they age further. If your father has researched a few places, how about offering to go on a 'tour' of them with him, maybe check them out first, then report to him or right off the bat go together so he feels in control, which is his prerogative while he is still capable of making decisions. My mom trotted out "I'm dying, won't be here much longer, etc." for years, years, before she truly began to decline; it was a bid for attention, a 'pity party', and a feature of her Narcissistic personality. My mom also dreaded the thought/idea of an 'old folks home/nursing home' and I understood why; I think what is more appropriate these days is the concept of Retirement Home/Retirement Living: and many of these facilities have different levels of accommodation depending on the variable needs of the residents. Some even have memory care if that becomes an issue for either or both of your parents. Meanwhile, they could be living a pleasant life within a community of elders which could possibly even take some of the strain off their marriage. When your folks are situated in a place suited to their needs, with professional caregivers, you and your family can have your family life, be loving support for your parents instead of targets for their frustrations over aging and end of life concerns. Everybody may just need that 'space' even if they are unable to express it. All the best to all of you.

Sorry to blunt but you contradicted your opening statement: it does indeed sound like your parents need help, more than you can now offer and what will definitely become more as time goes on. It is not 'wrong' to encourage them to consider senior care, in fact, it sounds like it's time to insist in as sensible, caring way as possible given their personalities. You may need to enlist the help of an Elder Law Specialist; one was invaluable in getting my mom to understand her position, to not have it coming from just 'the kid' (me! ;-}) Stop walking on eggshells; you are not 'throwing them out', you are going to help them transition to the best possible care as they age further. If your father has researched a few places, how about offering to go on a 'tour' of them with him, maybe check them out first, then report to him or right off the bat go together so he feels in control, which is his prerogative while he is still capable of making decisions. My mom trotted out 'I'm dying, won't be here much longer, etc.' for years, years, before she truly began to decline; it was a bid for attention and a feature of her Narcissistic personality. My mom also dreaded the thought/idea of an 'old folks home/nursing home' and I understood why; I think what is more appropriate these days is the idea of Retirement Home/Retirement Living: and many of these facilities have different levels of accommodation depending on the variable needs of the residents. Some even have memory care if that becomes an issue for either or both of your parents. Meanwhile, they could be living a pleasant life within a community of elders which could possibly even take some of the strain off their marriage. All the best to all of you.

Hi Not2easy - so - Yes - based on what you've described, it seems like an opportune time to begin planting the seeds for your parent's next chapter in moving to senior living. And it can be exciting for them and a positive - depending on the way you frame it!

In advance, you may want to do your research in eventually showing nice senior communities for them to view. And if it's too uncomfortable or emotional to have one of these serious heart-to-heart conversations with them about it being too difficult to have them stay with you any longer, how about changing it to some other easier excuse, such as saying that you've decided to scale back and move to a smaller place for financial purposes - or come up with something wrong with your house and you'll need to move...or that you'll need their bedroom as a home office, etc...then present exciting new options for them to see - the possibility of meeting new friends, new social life waiting for them - and new activities, etc.

This way, there are no hurt feelings or hard convos to be had ...wishing you all the best of luck with this and you're doing the right thing in helping them find a more suitable next home!

Not2Easy: This is a real predicament since they live with you. You'll have to tell them that you do not possess advanced medical training or ANY medical training for them to be ABLE to safely reside in your home. Speak to a social worker for next steps' guidance.

Don't take their monkey on your back. Tell them it's time to move to the next more permanent place where they can have the care they need when it crops up.

This might be a bold suggestion, how about scheduling a tour at one of the AL's and taking your parents. Someone needs to take the first step of being proactive, and it's certainly not going to be your parents.

Do this transition and move now before either one of of them gets worse. Not only will their care be increasingly more demanding, but it's what they've come to expect from you. To keep caring for them. Their pity-party will be Oscar worthy performance by then.

DH and I are trying very hard to make these huge life changing issues well before we really need them.

After I did cancer & chemo and followed that closely with a major foot/ankle surgery, I knew that the 40+ steps that were in my home were not a good idea anymore. To 'age out' in a split entry house? Forget about it.

I started looking for one level homes at that point and DH just kind of went along with me. He makes no decisions, so he just re-acts when things fall apart, rather than ACTING. He was 'meh' about the house we bought. As long as he has his golf clubs and a huge TV to watch, he really doesn't care where he is.

We moved to a condo community with an HOA that does so much for us. I was the one who shoveled snow, mowed lawns, did all the yardwork, etc. And with a single car garage, I never got to park in covered parking. Now we have a large 2 car garage. We do have stairs, but we literally can go weeks without needing to go downstairs. I have a LOT of totally empty closets and it's very joyful for me!

This has been a huge change for us, but b/c we did in far in advance of actually NEEDING this dynamic, we got to be picky. I love this place. My hips and back enjoy not doing stairs all day--and I feel safer being in a tight community.

AND--If we need care in our later years, we will add a kitchen to the basement and employ CG's to live with us. If that isn't enough, there is a beautiful (and expensive!) ALF just a few blocks away.

I've tossed so much of the stuff we didn't need. And I continue to cull through things.

My MIL and mom both aged at home. Mom passed a year ago, MIL is still kicking and demanding that she be kept at home and is a real pill about it. She SHOULD have moved to AL last year, but threw tantrums and the kids took her back home. My DH is so depressed about having to care for her.

Poor planning results in situations like this. MIL is killing all of us. I fully expect DH or his OB to have a heart attack, due to the stress of making mama happy.

I will NOT do that to my kids.

The kids refused to have that 'talk' with their mother. Now it's too late.

I'm a planner and a fixer. I can't 'fix' MIL. I also cannot plan for her.

If you fail to plan--you're planning to fail.

Our kids are so grateful that we are being amenable to the changes they suggest and the things that we need to do to age in place.

I wish you luck as you try to work with your folks over this change. I hate change and this hasn't been easy, but it would be 100xs worse if my kids were pushing me to do it.

How about putting a FOR SALE sign in your front yard? Invite a Geriatric Social Worker to attend a meeting for their relocation. Park a U-Haul van in your driveway.

How to encourage them to seek out mroe help or move?
You have a 'sit down' meeting with them and give them options.
It isn't a matter of 'encouraging' IF you actually want them to move (due to burn out and needing your own life, back). Encouraing will get you nowhere as they see that they needs are being met so why should they seek other (more expensive) living arrangements? They won't.

You need to be clear on your intentions. While it may feel uncomfortble for you to assert yourself and telling them TO LEAVE, if you want them too, you need to tell them. You can do it nicely.
* Tell them how YOU feel. They should know. Do not hide the fact that you feel burnt out and need to make adjustments to your living situation. You can do this while asserting how much you love and care for them. It isn't one or the other.
* Say this is a very HARD discussion to have because you feel torn (you do).
* Before you sit down with them, do some research - call either residential senior living, assisted living facilities - ask about option of move-in (when available as some have waiting lists), what is included with housing options (ask for a brochure).

* Realize there is NO easy way to make these important - and needed - changes. You have to push through your fears and guilt - and all the unknown feelings.

* State to them WHY this is a better place / move for them.
- Write these down ahead of time and as it feels right, give them the list to consider.

- See the situation from their point of view. They will not want to move, they may / likely (?) will react with anger or disapointment or a combination of these emotions / feelings - and more. Be prepared for whatever response(s) you get.

* If you cannot handle the 'feedback" / responses, do not react or respond.

Tell them you need time to consider this discussion. The reason to 'let it settle in' is for both you and them -
* to plant the idea and review / revisit (soon).
* You do not want emotions to reach an angry point (if it might go there).

Try to end the discussion with telling them you will (or have) set up an apointment to visit xxx retirment / assisted living communities. Do not leave this discussion open ended because they will not want to discuss it again. Let them know that you 'mean business" (in the nicest way) so you 'all' need to pursue 'options'.

They may / may not realize that you 'need and deserve a life' of your own.
Expect this. When patterns of behavior and relationships have been in a routine for years, expectations are in place. You will be changing the 'status quo' and in a huge way. STILL you deserve your life and the quality of your life ... and it will be much better for them to be in a facility / development that can meet their needs IN WAYS YOU CANNOT (tell them this) "It is for your safety and benefit" (including socializing with others, activities, community).

Practice before you approach a meeting.

Do this in your own home, not in a restaurant.

If you need a therapist / therapy session first, do it.

Call / contact / acquire a social worker to support you, if they do not have one already.

* Tell your sisters that YOU NEED SUPPORT and have them be available on Zoom or even in person. This SHOULD NOT all be your responsibility, although you've allowed that so this is the way it is now. Let them know you need them / you need their support ... and so do your parents. This is a 'family' dynamic / situation that needs to be addressed.

However your parents or the rest of the family responds, realize that you need to take action. DO have all the legal documents in order / updated (POA, finances, banking).

This is hard. You need to do it for everyone's concern.
You do not want to wait until they 'need' more medical care or aides. They will eventually if not now. Now is the time to do what is in their best interest, and yours. They will adjust. They may enjoy the new 'life' with other elders.

Gena/Touch Matters

Sit them down and express your feelings. Knowing how aging seniors think, when they do not see anything wrong and you mention this, they may put it on the back burner. Do this 3 times if you have to, a few days apart. Be very firm to express that you are approaching burn out and you cannot extend favors much further. do not bring in long distance siblings. It will be up to your parents to reach out if they so choose.

Next offer them a solution that you will take them to a couple of places. I suggest that you visit places first to "feel the vibe" if you think it suits their personality.
You also want to mention to dad that you could be co signers of the bank account in case something happens. Once you have access, set the account up online to monitor. Try to get those legal papers in order.

On your own: make a list of all the available community options. Read up on the terminology to understand all the choices. Make appointments on whatever looks suitable and get prices. Then gradually open the conversation to a "lets work this out together " plan for their future transitions. Expect rejections and still be open to revisit the topic.

Do not feel guilty and, yes encourage them for everyone's sanity and well being going forward.
Some considerations:
Be sure to have all POA and other documents in place for future use if as needed.
Confer with their PCP for current
" level of care needs" assessments for each of them.
Have PCP assign a case manager/ social service worker to assist them to find appropriate options for senior residency placement. This will greatly assist you all having a professional objective person facilitating the transition.
Expect some outburst, anger other tearful perhaps moments from them but do not let this stop the transition. Every has some grief associated with any change and this is very prevalent with senior citizens and family. Affirm that their quality of life will be improved and, that you will feel better knowing that should you be one ill , that they are settled in a facility care environment that can provide 24/7 care as needed .
Seek spiritual emotional support counseling for yourself and practice good self care...
Stay strong .....

It is absolutely the right thing to do. We waited until my mother's dementia made her a danger to herself and others and then had to force her to move. Seniors should move to a retirement home when they still have their mind and can settle in and make friends. Our mother has no short term memory and she cannot even remember where she is, her room number, and she is too belligerent to make friends.

Show them a video tour online, or go and make a video tour to show them, so they see the people and activities and rooms.

All the best

In my world, it's wrong NOT to expect parents to move into senior living. I watched nothing but resentment on moms part for taking her mother in, which ruined my childhood and my mother's life, not to mention grandma's life. Who benefited from mom taking her mother in? Nobody. And that's how things often turn out, yet guilt and obligation often drive a person to take a parent in when it's the worst decision for all involved and ruins all the relationships in the home!

Living apart encourages autonomy, socialization with peers, hobbies and activities, on site care, and the fostering of better relationships between family members due to less resentment in general.

Good luck to you.

With their needs only increasing, and mom being passive, it sounds like they need more time than you can give them. We just can't add hours into each day. And they may benefit from being in a place with more people their own age.

You didn't say, but I do wonder...Inability to manage finances, unsubstantiated accusations, perseverating about a subject, and the inability to act rationally sounds like it could be the beginnings of a dementia.

Some things can mimic dementia, like depression, a UTI, vitamin defficiencies, thyroid issues.
Can you tell your dad's provider about your concerns (away from your dad) and get your dad assessed by telling him it's just a routine check up?
I ask because it might change how you need to approach the move with them, and what kind of place is selected for them to move to. And if there is an underlying cause for dad's behaviors, then dad's provider could prescribe him something to smooth out his moods, making any moves to AL a lot easier on you.

If it were dementia, then your dad's ability to reason and act thoughtfully has been affected, as well as his ability to initiate and see multi-step tasks through to the end. In that case, with a dementia diagnosis, you can activate the POA and make the decisions about what place meets their needs best, sign the paperwork, and keep things moving forward.

No matter how nicely you ask they will think that you are "throwing them out" but that's ok. At this point they need to move to a senior living place where they can continue to age in place moving from independent or assisted living on to memory care. With some activities available and other people to talk (complain) to they will eventually settle in. Note that I did not say they'll like it. My dad will always regret and complain about having to move out of his house to assisted living (he's 102!) but has accepted that "this is an ok place, I guess" which is fine.

You should go alone to check out some of the places and find out all the details. Then you can take your parents with you to visit the ones you think are most appropriate. Then tell them to pick one - if there is a choice. Sometimes there is a waiting list. Don't offer them any place that has a waiting list because that postpones this move. Get the move done ASAP, just like ripping off a bandaid.

You can't keep them forever and the earlier they settle in to their new space the better for everyone.

"mom and dad, this living together isn't working out. Starting tomorrow, we are going to help you look for new accommodations. Would you rather look near here or sis 1 or 2. Entirely your choice where to go, but our home is no longer an option."

I would give them a notice they need to be out in 90 days, preferably to AL.

My mother is 98, don't assume that they won't be around much longer.

Why would it be wrong to help them find a place where all their needs can be met and they can have a full social life, activities and friends?

It's not wrong. My parents moved in here in their early 70s, when they didn't really need much help but also really couldn't/wouldn't take care of their house and yard. Dad died within a year. And mom stayed another 6 years until her mild cognitive impairment went on to become dementia. Until I said "NO MORE!" and put her AL. I had an activated DPOA to do so. She was hurt and angry. BUT she quickly got over it is comfortable enough in AL.

So, if you're realllly ready for them to go, make a plan and lower the boom. Expect some b.s. and let it roll off your shoulders. Once they're gone, you'll be so much happier. It's soooo nice to have your house to yourself!

It's YOUR HOME, make this clear that they do NOT run the show.
I have a feeling they have gotten a free ride 4 years, which is ridiculous.

When you feel that trapped feeling, take your house and own family back.

They have a good deal.
They are living with you and there is no reason that they would want to change that.
YOU are going to have to initiate the conversation and tell them point blank that you are in no position to help them physically and it is getting to the point where they will both need more help.
Also mention you are getting older and you have your own physical limitations.
I would set a deadline. If you want to be generous tell them the First of the Year. if you want to push it along by Thanksgiving would be plenty of time.
The big question would be would they want to live near where they are now, where they have friends, know the area or would they want to move closer to your siblings.
(If anyone is POA I would suggest that they locate near that person)
If there is no POA this is another discussion you should be having as well.

No it's not wrong to encourage them to seek out senior living facilities. It's actually healthy for all parties involved.
Showing them all the positives like being around folks their own age, having daily activities to keep them busy if they so choose, and having fun in the last portion of their lives you would think would be a no brainer.
So set up some appointments at several of these places and tell them that as much as you love them, there will come a point when their care will just be too much for you and you would rather they spend their final years in a place that has their best interests and care in mind.
And the nice thing is that when your dad gets on your moms last nerve while she's living in either independent or assisted living she can just go down the hall to visit with a lady friend to get away from him.
You and hubby matter in this equation as well, and deserve to enjoy your lives as well, apart from your parents.
You've paid your dues caring for them for 4 years already, so now it's time for you to get your life back, so you and hubby can start doing things that you enjoy and not have to worry about mom and dad.
Someone has to take the first step and hopefully that someone will be you.

Newsflash: There is no way to that THEY (your parents) will allow themselves to feel anything other than them being thrown out by you and your husband. They are going to play the victim hard to try and manipulate you and your husband into letting them stay. You're not wrong to make them leave your house. You aren't being a bad daughter or throwing them out on the street. If their reaction is that you are, that's on them. Not you.

They will both certainly start up with the guilt-tripping, negativity, and gaslighting, but ignore it. You have to ignore it. They have to move. Don't get played.

Please stop taking their crap and senior-brat behavior. Your father "researching" places to move when he's "mad" is paramount to the brat-child who packs a suitcase and threatens to run away from home.


This is nonsense. All of you are adults here and you even say in your post that they don't really require care. Them moving into a senior living community is totally realistic. So please don't second-guess and question yourself otherwise.

Offer to help them find a place and to move them in. You don't owe them an explanation for why you want them to move, but if you want to explain just tell them truthfully. That you and your husband would like to live alone. That's all the explanation necessary.