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You DO NOT "kinda just have to suck it up. Be Happy for your mom." Don't buy into that nonsense at all! There are always alternatives to giving hands-on/in home care for an elder, so I suggest you look into it before YOUR health suffers from stress and burn out. Give YOURSELF the gifts nobody else is giving you, that you deserve too. Hire in home care with mom/dad's money, or explore placement with Medicaid if finances are an issue.
Best of luck to you.
I’m not a hand’s on caregiver for my mom because A) literally impossible B) it would kill me. But I have done everything else, still do, and have a philosophy that POA stands for, ‘Person of Aggravation’. Meaning, once you’re POA you have a big target on your back for complaints, unwanted opinions, and all manner of aggravating requests from the LO and everyone else who has NO CLUE what your experience is like.
I’ve delegated as much as I can, and play music, pet dogs, whatever, to alleviate feelings and have a life. As a Person Of Aggravation, I also get my own aggravation out on a full size martial arts bag I’ve nicknamed, The Therapist. My ‘Therapist’ keeps my feelings a secret, plus the more I see this therapist the better shape I get into, so I totally recommend this kind of therapy if your joints can take it.
Best to you!
One of them accused me of not taking my father to a parade. I'd never heard of the parade before that moment and when I told my father to talk to the guy, he got pissed off at me.
One of them accused me of not putting my father in a senior living center. My father wouldn't go and I couldn't force him.
The last one probably didn't care for his father for more than 15 minutes but decided I was a poor caregiver.
My father is loved, I'm hated, literally, my family won't talk to me. My aunt called me to ask where to toss my body when I died and that's been our only communication in months. I had really bad thrush, couldn't eat, lost 20 pounds, no one cared even a little bit in my family. In fact, I was being chewed out over something that literally didn't matter.
I'd tell you to not do this job. If I could go back in time, I'd have walked away and left my father and his shitty relatives behind and never have looked back. I have literally not received one iota of compassion from my extended family.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's terrible and the way you describe how your family treats you, absolutely disgusting.
I would tell such a family to stick it where the sun don't shine and cut them out of my life.
You with a cancer diagnosis have to be the top priority in your own life. Screw your family. Any family that would behave as you say yours does does not deserve your love, time or respect.
Honestly being a hands on caregiver is not a good experience, there are no benefits.
Me, I would never do it, I have 2 in a facility, one on AL the other in MC. I am not willing to give up my life, my mental well-being for another, makes zero sense to me.
There are other ways to handle this, like placing your parent. Because he doesn't want to go is his choice, as long as he is mentally competent to make this decision. As long as you keep him propped up he will always think he is independent.
You do not have to care for him. That is your choice, so with that, there is an acceptance level as no matter what you do, you will be criticized.
Might be time to reassess the entire arrangement.
When you do it for a living like I did for 25 years, it's usually just as bad. Clients and their families more often than not think that the caregiver is a slave who works for the whole family that they can treat anyway they like.
I'm in the business end of homecare now and my long experience is useful in this business. I will tell you this truth, my friend. I would rather make my living walking the streets than work at hands-on caregiving again.
You have a choice though. If the resentment is setting in, you can choose to walk away from it and you should.
It may help us to get a picture of your situation if you fill out your profile and/or tell us a bit about your parent, his or her diagnosis and prognosis, whether you live with said parent in his/her home, or he/she lives with you.
On the face of it, and with so little information from you I will only say that when we move from being a son/daughter/sister/brother to being a CAREGIVER we have voluntarily given up the former positions for the latter. We become "caregivers". The responsible ones. The ones who make the decision and the rules and are resented for said rules and decisions. This just naturally happens.
If you have decided that caregiving isn't for you, then slowly you will have to disintangle yourself from it with honesty, and with, undoubtedly, no little trouble.
You are an adult and took this on. Now it doesn't suit, and when that is the case it is time to reclaim your own life.
I wish you well, and hope you will tell us more about your situation.
Or just a thankyou now & then?
Start with your parent. Hand his/her a cup of tea & if no thankyou, say 'Thankyou Roger' yourself - outloud.
Sometimes you get taken for granted but a little prompt is all you need. To retrain. Even if they cannot speak, a kind look means the same.
Or is it other family, other people you would like a thankyou from? To be acknowledged & appreciated.
I think most caregivers don't care if they're being thanked for something or getting flowers and hugs as shows of gratitude.
I think what a family caregiver wants most from the family member they take care of is just basic respect. Also time off from that person is important.
(When I say 'you' in the following comments I do not literally mean you as in yourself)
Basic respect as in not treating that person like they are worthless garbage with nothing postive to contribute to human society.
Basic respect as in not making up lies about the family caregiver who literally wipes your a$$ and works like a slave day in and day out so you can "age in place". Also, not villifying them to others because you're bored and want more attention.
Basic respect in that you do not behave like an entitled, ingrate senior brat who's doing their family member a favor by "allowing" them to serve them.
Basic respect in that you don't "lash out" at the one who does for you because you want to hurt someone, or are in the mood to fight, or just want to complain and bring somebody down.
This is really what most caregivers really want. Not gratitude, not praise and gifts. Just basic respect from their "loved one".