By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
So I will say again....for the love of God get yourself out of that dysfunctional and toxic environment.
I know that your sick husband has beaten you down in hopes that you'll continue to keep taking his s**t, but you my dear are much stronger than you know and you will have the last laugh here.
Start today by calling a divorce attorney and start packing your bags. The sooner you get out of there the better.
Your husband has manipulated his favorite son, because he must be the weaker of the 2 and is much more easily manipulated. I don't think this has anything to do with him "loving" this son more but again because he's much more easily manipulated.
And I also don't believe that narcissists even love themselves as they are all miserable people, and how can you be miserable if you truly love yourself?
So get your butt out of there sooner than later and let your husband and his son live happily ever after in their misery.
And whatever you do don't allow yourself to get involved with another man until you have done lots of therapy to make sure you don't fall into that toxic type of environment again and until you truly know and understand your true worth.
I wouldn't concern myself with trying to figure out if this man is a narcissist or not. I call this the chicken and the egg syndrome; and supposedly, what came first. I say the chicken came first and then the chicken popped out the egg. Common sense, right? I used this analogy because Domestic Abuse came first along with all of the bells and whistles including the description of the abuser. Nobody cared about what psychological problems these people had, if they were abusing their spouses and children, they were labeled an abuser. Later, the buzzword narcissist came into play. I literally hate this word narcissist because people got confused and started calling everybody a narcissist. NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) is an actual diagnosed disorder only a shrink can diagnose.
The problem with the internet, everybody is a expert.
Since we are not shrinks here on AG, I'll give you my two cents worth. Get in contact with a domestic abuse hotline and get information for starters. These people can plug you into all types of resources including lawyers. I am assuming that this man has access to all of the money in your accounts. Get counseling for domestic abuse. Domestic abusers have a way of brainwashing their victims that they are the most incompetent people around. Been there done that.
Next when you get a domestic abuse counselor, make a plan to get out. This is going to require concentration and hardwork. It is a known fact that domestic abuse victims usually leave seven times before actually making that final plunge. Please do not tell this man you are leaving. Many women have been killed in the process of trying to leave. Don't announce you are leaving. Just go. Keep a stash of cash in a safe place, extra set of car keys, credit cards that you are paying for and important papers. Move out slowly. Give yourself a time frame how long you want your transition to be. If you want to go to a shelter, then do so. However, keep in mind that you must play it safe. Get yourself a second phone ( a burner) keep this hidden. This is for you to do your emergency calls. Do all your business on this phone.
Most victims talk entirely too much. Erase your internet history. And for goodness sakes, don't tell your business to this man when he is in a good mood. Abusers go through mean and sweet cycles called intermittent reinforcement. They can appear nice just to throw you off your game.
As for his sons, they are not your kids so don't concern yourself with them. Your health and safety comes first.
Nikki - who CARES whether or not a narcissist can ever love someone?
A MUCH more important question is how are you going to learn how to LOVE YOURSELF enough to realize you are worth so much more than to allow this a-hole you are married to treat you in such a way????
See a divorce attorney, which will help you find options. You’ll feel better as soon as you can move forward without these people.
Why are you wasting time diagnosing someone who doesn't give a fig what you think?
You describe a life of misery for 10 years.
You are a grownup and you are responsible for your own decisions, and you have made a decision to stay with an abusive man.
You know he will not change. So the question is "Why are you there".
How do you move forward?
Probably by moving OUT.
But this will take enormous courage, for as you say, you have stayed 10 years and allowed yourself to be beaten down flat.
I would leave. I would go to a shelter, but that would be AFTER getting every single penny out of joint accounts that I could get and placing it in my own name in a single account at a secret bank.
If I were afraid for life and limb I would go to a shelter that would keep my name private.
I would go then to a cognitive therapist for options, pointers to help, and a path forward, slow tho it may be with minimum pay jobs. I would see an attorney as well. The shelter may give you some who will work with you. File for separations and a stay-away order if needed.
Sorry. There are decisions here that you must make for yourself.
All the marinating in what your husband is and what he does every day is useless and of no value and cannot ever help you. Your sons are grown. Time now to take responsibility for the rest of your life.
As to the question of whether your husband is capable of love? Love is really a nebulous definition of some undefinable thought process. If you really want to waste a whole lot more time in that household why not define "love".
You are currently on an elder care forum. Why? This isn't about elder care. Facebook is full of support groups for abused women. That's where you need to go for support.
As to hubby? Who he is and what he is and whether or not he is a Narcissist -- who cares. Leave him in your dust. You must make a life and as you do those small but amazingly tough steps to move forward you will develop slowly a massive respect for yourself and the powers you never knew you had.
You say here in your post that you've been with your husband for ten years and in that time he physically, mentally, and emotionally took everything from you.
You claim that he's beaten you down so badly mentally that you rarely leave the house and you have no friends.
His nasty and abusive behavior towards you is not the reason why you don't leave the house and have no friends. That's on you.
You say you're to figure out how to move forward and how to get out of your situation but right now all you need is understanding.
No, that's not all you need.
You want to figure out how to get out from under the abusive marriage and situation you live in? I'm going to tell you how.
1) Talk to a divorce attorney. If you are legally married (not living together i.e. shacking up), to your husband unless you had a pre-nuptual agreement when you married, HALF of everything he has is yours by rights if you pursue it. I think it's safe to assume that you don't work so he provides for you financially. He will have to pay you alimoney if you divorce.
2) Get a job. When you have your own income that your husband isn't the source of, it will give you more choices on how you will live your life. It will also give you self-confidence.
3) Go to counseling. A good therapist will help you learn how to be truly honest with yourself and how to prioritize yourself and your needs in healthy ways. Being a martyr and wallowing in self-pity never helped anyone to live a good and productive life. You won't be the first.
These things I have told you may be hard to hear and even sound a bit harsh. I say them in the true spirit of friendship though. I actually care about people living in abusive caregiving situations because I've been there myself. You need some tough love and someone to be honest with you.
See a divorce lawyer for the first step - arrange a consultation - you should receive half of the assets in a settlement - keep all of your plans private and do not share any information with your husband in advance. Once you're on your own, a new life will open up for you - start looking forward to a new future. Wishing you all the very best ~
- and STOP trying to figure out your narcissistic husband - he's the one who is SERIOUSLY NOT WORTH IT!
A Narcissist through and through, she disliked everyone she met. Really? At the end, she left 2 sons (aged 74 and 72) who knew they weren't loved or wanted and a daughter (67) who was the one the sun rose and set in.
The 'boys' at least have each other. They've come to some measure of peace, I guess, about their mom.
You can't change anybody--except yourself. My MIL is gone, but her nastiness will still rear it's ugly head when one of the boys says something she'd say, or get angry--then you swear she'd was standing there. My DH snapped at me the other day--and I looked at him and said "OMGosh, it's like your mother's words just came barreling out of your mouth!"
See All Answers