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and I’m always right. She tells everyone I’m her boss and don’t get her help. I’m now on meds to help with my depression and anxiety over her care. I have tried to involve her in activities both here and at a senior citizen center, but she does not interact with others due to her dementia. Hardest thing I’ve ever done! Trying to hang on as long as I can.
He complains about everything. We can visit for about 20 minutes. After that he starts talking about all kinds of injustices, near death experiences, (none are true). So we just say we need to go. There is no arguing with him, trying to help him see the good side of anything. We just tell him we are on his side, we love him and we are happy he is safe.
He just can’t handle any one disagreeing with him, he really believes what he is saying. For example, he thinks he got a bad haircut in the nursing home and refuses to let him cut his hair for $15.00. So he is cutting his own hair with his shaver. And he has a lot of beautiful thick white hair.
Dementia destroys brain cells. The cells that give us executive reasoning. You can not argue with dementia.
We are all on a very sad journey if someone we love has dementia.
A part of them knows they need more help, and life as they knew it has changed. Not many like change. Especially after living at home for decades.
I know my mom was always scared to death of nursing homes. I think she equates that with the big horrible mental institutions of the past. She always insisted she would rather die than go to one. But she put her grandmother in one, and saw she was taken care of just fine.
I also think she knew NH was the end of the line. That in and of itself is very scary.
Perhaps when the negativity starts, you gently remind the person that the visit will cease. And mean it. I think that might help. You don't have to be abused mentally. And then feel guilty for not wanting to be abused.
I'd give them fair warning to change the subject. Talk about something else. If not have a nice day. Get up and go. Especially if they are not mentally abusing the staff. I'
Give it a try.
Good luck.
Depression is often underdiagnosed or ignored.
I'd talk to doc about it. Don't let him poo, poo you it's nothing if it's not nothing.
Is she just negative to you, or all the staff, all the time?
As far as dressing, showering etc. There are staff that help with those things. They can help remind her its shower time. Then pick out her night clothes and lay out the morning clothes. Call them. The staff is there for that. It is their job.
stop and give up their lives.
I've found that when I'm in any crisis, my father's needs skyrocket or
he acts as if I'm a mentally challenged whiner. Either approach is
terribly stressful, and sends home the message, only his needs matter.
The frustrating thing is it was the same throughout my childhood, my
parents needs were the only thing that mattered. And both of my parents
abandoned their own parents without visiting them. That seems to be
a pattern for a lot of needy narcissistic parents as well.
No matter what she says, believe her, believe her, you are the only person she trusts, believe her. Your eye will show her your heart, even the person who has been diagnosed as dementia, they know how we treat them, they know from our eyes, face expression and body figures.
I am a RN, I have my own assisted living, love the resident, love, love, believe, believe, things will change, life will move on.
Smile!
ping
If the negativity is too great, I would limit the visit time for your own sanity. It will start to rub off on you, and effect your health. Good luck.
But when you’re so immersed in a situation you really start doubting yourself, at least that happens to me; specially because she always tells me I don’t understand because I’m not a mother, or I don’t understand because I’m not walking in her shoes. If she knew that I feel I understand much more of her situation than she understands herself! She’s absolutely unaware of her emotional problems, and truly is unable to realize how hurtful she can be.
Through life it was probably attributable to a personality disorder but now that is mixed with age and illness. It’s terrible, and I feel for her, it breaks my heart not only because of her ways but more because I know she suffers terribly. I love my mom, if I could turn the negativity switch off for her, I know life would have such different colors! And I guess with that I answered my own question too.
So, appreciate your answer very much. Thank you and God bless.
Absolutely not normal. We each are responsible for our own happiness. Blaming others is dysfunctional. My mother is narcissistic too and never took responsibility for anything negative that happened in her life. It was always someone else's fault. She has Borderline Personality Disorder and narcissism. She is mentally ill.
But my mom truly believes and has told me more times than any heart and mind can take that my failure in life is the reason why she’s so “deeply sad” (bitter). By my failure in life she means I married the wrong person, divorced him and didn’t have children.
I also wish I’d children, as I feel I’ve a lot of love to give in my heart, but it only becomes a very painful realization when my mother reminds me of the fact that I really have nothing meaningful in life.
She says I cannot understand why it’s such a huge deal and a failure for her as a mother too when her daughter hasn’t been able to have anything ‘that really counts’ in life.
Now, because I know my mom and her ways, I know the first emotion she resources to, to face most situations is anger, so what she says is actually coming from love and worry, but expressed through anger. Worry because she feels she will leave me some time soon, and I’ll be alone and not realized as a woman.
The thing is, I’m on the opposite spectrum of negativity and anger. Despite all, I always find reasons to laugh and look at the future with hope. That is, despite and extremely difficult path as a caregiver of a very negative and harsh person.
I was an accomplished professional and had a good job, which I left to become her caregiver, and I’m glad I did. She needs me and I needed to feel I’m doing what my heart tells me to. Still have my own house which I’m renting out, and more than anything I feel that through my caregiving journey I’ve grown a lot; all that is good, and im also from my heart grateful because God is allowing me to be here for my mom, despite all, I feel good performing my mission as a daughter.
But for you Mothers out here, please tell me, is it a normal or expected and a realistic outcome to be so bitter entirely because of your children’s mistakes, to a point of saying and truly believing they are the reason why you’re so miserable at this stage of life?
Logically the answer should be no. But I’m starting to believe that because I’m not a mother im really not understanding the truth.
Your honest views will be very much appreciated!
My sanity saver is having many friends who are in similar situations. So I do have people to bounce things off of, to check my own reasonableness. As you said, an older person can make choices a two year old can’t. I’m just asking that she choose to cooperate. I can’t be everywhere and everything- there are solutions but she has to participate to make them work.
Passive aggressive, declining with age, whatever - if your mother is not losing her marbles she can make her own choices. And you can honourably decline to participate. Are there no options besides a) living with your support or b) an ALF? You get choices too!
My mother was always a bit dramatic and passive-aggressive, but now the brakes are off. Nothing that I do or say, unless it’s what she wants, is going to be right. And this realization is hard won; I spent years making excuses for her and making myself miserable trying to do everything right to please her. If I gave an inch, she wanted a mile. All I got out of it is more manipulation, high blood pressure, and indigestion.
What are her complaints? What are her excuses?
It isn't that I don't sympathise, truly. I'm just wondering if there might be a grain of truth in her accusation that you don't want to listen. I wouldn't blame you, either! - who does want to listen to 101 Reasons For No? But maybe acknowledging what she says would be no bad thing.
The way she tries to twist and manipulate everything, I can’t trust half of what she says anymore.
And I can’t help wonder now about stories I’ve heard in the past. It was always, “these poor elderly people,” but now I’m seeing that those elderly types are master manipulators!
He smells horrible, refuses to bathe regularly but says he does, smokes like a chimney (outside, at least) is deaf as a post and his favorite hobby is picking his nose. Due to his reasoning skill deficiencies it is impossible to have a conversation with him. Me: "Dad, would you like me to pick up something at the store?" Him: "CLOWNS.....why are you saying that there are clowns marching across the living room?"
He says that he is not eating but actually eats and astonishing amount of food without gaining weight. He moans, groans and shreiks in what sounds like pain - loudly and continually all day, along with other selected verbal tics and profanities.
I also found out AFTER he moved in that the rest of the family was certain he has Aspbergers. I absolutely agree and really wish I had known it in the beginning as it would have helped. (It might have helped me decide to run in another direction.) Personality change and dementia are difficult, but what if your parent is extremely difficult and only gets worse? On top of it all, he presents fine to his doctor who says "remember, he took care of you years ago......"
I am so glad to have found this site - I now understand it is not me :)