Is it normal she's so negative?

Yes, it is normal to have those feelings. You are not alone. Even though you know that it is the dementia causing the problems, it is hard to separate that from the way your mother used to be. Try not to let guilt enter the picture. You have a family to raise and your own life to live. You are still taking care of your mother even though she is not with you.

Thank you. It is very hard to separate her actions now from the "real" her because they are almost the same person. The only difference now is she is always unhappy and negative. My husband says she was always that way, but my mom used to find a few moments to laugh or tell funny jokes. Now, EVERYTHING is terrible to her. I do mean ALL the time. She was always mean, hateful and full of self--narcissistic. But now I see it truly is all the time. I always dread it when I need to go wash and fix her hair. She expects it, but yet hates how I do it. I have offered for her to let someone else do it, but of course not.

Sometimes, I feel like I am starting to sound just like her and I definitely do not want that. That is why I need to get away from her.

If I were in your shoes:

If I wanted or felt compelled to do her hair, I would tell her no more complaining and she has to say something nice at the end or I will not do it anymore. Remind of her the rules when you are doing it if she needs it.

I would also tell her that I can't take her negativity - it is too wearing on you and that you love her, you have a husband/family/house to care for and need your energy. Lessen your calls and visits if she is not responsive. It is OK to see her/talk to her once a week. I bet that's still more than most people do.

I would talk to her doctor about getting her on anti-depressants. Many times complaints and negativity are a result of depression, and getting old is difficult.

Good luck!

Thank you for your response. I do tell her and she does it again the next week. When I say something to her (in a calm and nice voice), she then says I say that every time...lol I know she knows, but won't stop. I have even raised my voice thinking that would do it. Nothing stops it. She told one of the caregivers at the assisted living that she was told she complains too much. My mom didn't tell her who said it, she just told the girl. She just can't reason it. Her doctor has tried her on many different medications and the only thing that works some she is taking. The doctor told me this is my new mom. I have tried for 3 years now to get used to my new mom, but it is actually getting harder as each week goes by. Thanks again for the support.

It's normal, just not pleasant. At the memory clinic my mother had started to attend, they told me that they regularly have people REALLY enjoy their time doing the therapy but that they immediately forget that they liked it and refuse to return, the following session. There are people who forget every time that they truly enjoyed it. It sounds like the memory clinic is used to having people say "I don't know why my child made me come, because I hate this and don't want to be here" but then that's the person who has the best time.

The other thing to know is that some of this is about the emotions, not the words. She might complain about every single thing to express whatever emotion she can't express. When my mom is frustrated, for example, her language skills suffer the most and all sorts of things come out of her mouth, things that don't necessarily make logical sense..

jeweltone, there's no reason why you can't reduce the phone calls a bit more, and line someone up to do her hair at least once, to see how it goes. I think the best thing to do is to stop 'reading into' your mother's comments and moods, because they simply do not reflect her reality (she IS comfortable, she IS eating, etc.) She will say whatever she says, and her moods are whatever they are -- and there's nothing about those things you can do anything about. If it's too draining, then pull back on interacting with her. It's ok.
I'm still waiting for the moment when my mother will finally (at long last) go into AL. And I know, from our lifelong troubled relationship, that my visits will become less and less. They already are, the truth is, it's helped me tremendously, and hasn't hurt her at all.

Also -- I anticipate that my appearance could cause my mother's moods to go from 'fine' (she's never actually happy, lol) to 'grumpy.' They do already! As soon as I show up for a visit, she slides into gloom and doom mode.
If the your mother's says she's fine most of the time, but she goes into negative mode the minute she sees you, then that's a very good reason to visit less often.

I think this is very normal. She's lost control of the life she knew and it's hard to separate from your things, friends, home, former life. She's frustrated and unhappy and maybe just blowing steam with you. Talk to staff and see if they notice the same or if she is pleasant with them and just unpleasant with you.

I don't think you can stop it, but you can adjust your attitude and expectations. Be rested and in a good frame of mind when you visit and call. Bring a treat, picnic, etc when you visit and do something fun by getting her away for a walk, sitting out on the porch, a drive, etc. the change of scenery will do her good and give you a chance to talk about other things vs her new home and situation.

Avoid disagreeing about the AL or convincing her otherwise. ITS okay to acknowledge her feelings and telling her it hurts you and makes YOU feel bad to know she is unhappy...but you can't change things. It's also okay to set boundaries and limit your visits and calls. When she gets negative, simply cut the conversation or visit short.

Remember, you aren't responsible for her happiness.

I always go in with a positive attitude and a smile. When I leave and get in the car is when my smile is gone and my positive attitude becomes in the distance. I do agree it is me that brings on the gloom and doom attitude from her. No matter how positive I am, she even complains about that. She told my daughter a couple of weeks ago that I always have something to say positive and it gets on her nerves. Haha. I try to laugh, but sometimes it's too much. I NEVER tell her the AL staff tells me any different. I just called and talked to the director and she told me my mom had been out 4x times this week for a walk and to visit with other residents. She ate well and had good conversation. I know she is safe and content, it is just hard when she makes me feel like it is my fault she is so miserable. I try to bring up activities that I know are going on the following week at the center and she will ask, "how did you know about that?" she really don't want me to know. I realize I am not responsible for her happiness, I just wish I could make mine better by not feeling so guilty. Thank to everyone.

I so know how you feel. Even the comment your mother made about you having to always be right and want to argue with her. My Mother says this ALL the time. I just got home from visiting and she wouldn't even let the aid take her to the bathroom when she saw me. She couldn't wait to get started on all the negativity. She also said, "would you want to live here"? Never ending. When I got ready to leave, I took her out to the common area where one of the ladies that she likes, was complaining about the same thing. To me she said" I just don't understand why I have to stay here, I will be fine at home" and my Mom just gloated and said 'see" this place is not where we want to be. Sigh…….I got a headache immediately and had to leave. It is so hard, even though I truly understand where they are coming from. So common, but so hard.

My mum was always negative! now its just ten times worse i guess they are angry and afraid as they dont know whats happening to them? mum was in a lovely new NH for respite twice she hated it and refuses to go now i just know what we are going to do with her i know she would never go to a NH we will have to wait until something bad happens. But i think the dementia makes them nasty although not all dementia patients are the same some are quite placid ive heard my neighbours dad has als and he was a lovely gentle man and still is ive been told he is rarely aggressive or nasty?

I haven't had much experience of this to say whether it's normal but it has definitely been the case with my grandfather. He also moved into an independent living village (with emergency alert buttons) in March. It does have a dining hall and cleaning services at extra cost. It was a place he chose over living with or moving closer to my aunty (who is a five hour flight away) because of it's proximity to his old suburb. My mum has serious health problems of her own and also lives a fair distance away so she is not able to do much. Since I live a reasonable distance from his place, about an hour, I'm the only one visiting with some regularity.

Since he has moved in, he's been *extremely* negative about everything. When I go there by myself I can expect to hear non-stop moaning from the minute I arrive until the minute I leave. He does rein it in a bit when I take my husband and kids along. Fortunately, he has not started complaining about people (or me!) but that could potentially start soon because he was doing it until we had a little fall-out over it a couple of years ago (he was complaining incessantly about other relatives to me). He will complain that he is living in a prison (it's not- it's a lovely completely renovated two bedroom villa in beautiful grounds). He complains he can't walk anymore despite easily managing at least half an hour when I take him out. He will complain that he's not going to be able to manage but he doesn't want to go to a NH (I check everything while there and he seems to be doing fine). He'll complain that he's becoming incontinent but never makes more than one bathroom visit the whole time I'm there - my husband noted this too. I freeze portions of our meals from the week to take to him - if I take him solid foods he will moan that he probably won't be able to chew them (despite having a full set of his own teeth), if I take soups 'they just go straight through me'. He will moan that he doesn't want community aid volunteers to take him to his doctor's appointments because, in his words, 'they shouldn't have to be ambulance drivers for when I collapse afterwards'. He talks about what bad luck it is his side of the family all tend to live well into their late nineties (he's 88). All of this I can just let wash over me but there is only one thing which really gets to me - it's when he compares himself and his mostly fictitious or exaggerated ailments to my mum (who has had chronic conditions all her life and really has come near death twice in the last decade). Then I rudely and pointedly change the subject.

It's a personality thing though. Apparently he's always been like this, even before old age, but obviously it's become more pronounced now. My grandma, on my dad's side, is in a nursing home and she's nothing but praise and love for everyone. She never complains even though she's in far less great physical shape than my grandfather. My dad's the same - he recently had back surgery and he was overflowing with praise for all the staff right down to the cleaners :) If it had been my grandfather with the exact same surgery/post surgery experience, it would have been a terrible experience with people who obviously don't know what they're doing.

My mum and her sister take turns calling him every second day each. Dad told me he has been quite verbally abusive to them on the phone so I would completely understand if they only wanted to call him once a week (like they used to). I don't call him at all during the week. As it is, I feel like he is 'invading my headspace' during the week - I don't feel guilty at all because I've been warned by everyone that he's a master manipulator but I find myself worrying still which I get annoyed at myself by. I keep a journal of each visit on my phone which I write and email to myself on the trip back. Talking to other residents has helped. They've all said when they moved in, they felt a bit shell-shocked. Hopefully, as he settles in, his mood will improve.

Oh Wow, my mom calls this new assisted living facility a glorified prison. She said she feels like she is a caged animal. Grant it, she never even wanted to go out the past three years and now she says she is in prison. It's not easy, but hearing the same stories does help me.

....and you are so right, no one knows what they are doing. My mom has become obsessed with the thermostat not working in her room. So each day each shift will come in and try to comfort her by changing the thermostat to suit her. She then would tell me they didn't know how to work it and why would someone make something so complicated. I finally put a note on it and told the director to tell them not to touch it. It was making it worse for them to try. Since I put the note on the thermostat she hasn't mentioned it. The food is amazing at the AL. They have three chefs that come in on shifts and cook. Amazing I tell you. Well, to my mom it is just terrible. She said, "it is gourmet food and who eats that stuff?" Well, it is far from gourmet but it is delicious. She tells me she starves.. I don't believe it. They fix her and all the residents what they prefer.

Unfortunately, it is normal. My mother is like that also. When we moved her from her house to independent living her complaints became a mantra we could quote by heart - every visit and it is a lovely place! She loves to complain, it is all she is interested in. She never remembers good times, only bad things. There is no arguing with a person with dementia, and they won't remember what you said anyway. There is no pleasing them either. And I have been told that they save the worst of it for family members because they can get away with it

You must be visiting my Mother. I dressed up for her 95th birthday party and she said "What are you made up to represent?"

I live 1500 miles from her, if I didn't I would be in the same position you are in . Mother can't hear, so we can't talk on the phone.

Keep setting boundaries. Let the shop at the AL, do her hair.

Have you read Coping With Your Older Difficult Parent? It is very good.

I feel like I'm reading something I myself would write ...jeweltone I have almost the same type of situation with my mom. Although she has bi polar disorder thrown into the mix also and she is in a nursing home environment after cancer surgery. She's 87 and used to dance and now can hardly walk. She is so negative it freaks me out sometimes always complaining and sometimes I even yell at her to stop talking about sickness all the time. I also feel guilty afterwards but I have a feeling this is a "no win " situation. So I try to just "tune out " when I can!!

Yes, it's normal. Let her get adjusted, pop in once a week. Call caretakers and get updates from them. Tell your mom you love her. Are they cleaning and changing her clothes? If not, then you may need to look into a board and care/6 pack.... I don't know what state you live, but the ones here, I looked up on the internet, chose the ones near me, and stop in unnannouced.. Yes, stop in without notifiing anyone see how your mom is being treated......

My mom and aunt are within a 2 mile radius so I can stop in when I need to. Mother's day, the one weekend I decided to leave town, I get a call, your mother won't wake up. I drove like a bat outohell 1-1/2 hours to get back to her. Hawaii will have to wait.....She was fine. she sleeps more soundly now.....

Yes, agree with ilovemom, although elder abuse is a very real phenomenon, you want to make sure that any accusations are also taken with a grain of salt with this type of personality if you can't see any physical evidence of decline or abuse. When I called my grandfather the other day he answered the phone in a sprightly enough manner but as soon as he heard my voice, it changed to a 'long-suffering' weak tone. He has also had himself admitted to hospital a few times before moving just to get my aunty to fly over at short notice . She was furious! Luckily we don't have a car at the moment so he hasn't tried that with me lately but when we did, I was called a few times in the middle of the night to go to the hospital immediately as they thought he wasn't going to make it .It was a real condition in one instance though- he tore a hole in his oesophagus with a cracker. The second time he was convinced it was pnuemonia and he was in there for a week but it turned out to be an anxiety attack (what every subsquent hospital admission has turned out to be). Not entirely convinced that he doesn't do it to get people running - but not sure because I know that it is a common phenomenon at that age too.

I agree with jeweltone. Just last night, my brother had called and I suspect he called to chew her out about one thing or another because she looked pretty dark after the call and was acting more scattered than she'd been, earlier in the day.

With a kind of pleasant and neutral look, I went over to talk to her about whether she felt up to setting the table for supper and she made some generally rude remarks. I continued to look as pleasant as possible and just re-asked it, basically. She eventually kind of snapped out of it and we had an ordinary conversation where she did focus on the conversation (not easy for her, every day).

Obviously my mom isn't as far along as others but I do still have to kind of have to do that. But, like jeweltone's Mom, my mom gets annoyed by my positive or sometimes just non-negative attitude. She does also take her frustrations out on me. I'm her caregiver, the representation of the loss of her independence, which she does resent a bit. Most days, she still knows enough to appreciate it. Other days, everything is my fault and I'm an awful person. As she progresses, I wonder if some day that every day will be a bad day where everything is my fault, but I'll have to wait and see how her condition progresses.

The AL does change her bed sheets once a week, washes her towels/linen, and clean her apartment. They highly encourage her to change her clothes/well pajamas. After 1 1/2 weeks, they practically make her. I used to make her do it every week and wash off, but it became such an argument and unpleasant, I stopped. They take her around the building for a walk each day--even though she tells me she never gets out of her prison walls. The sad thing is my mom is only 69 and will probably live another 20 years in such a terrible state of mind. I am waiting for the moment she forgets everything and that way she won't realize how miserable she really is. Since it is frontal lobe, the doctor told me she may never totally lose her memory. Short term memory, reasoning skills, and ability to care for herself are the main issues with her right now. She went way down hill fast in the past 3 years but has now plateaued.

Yes your feelings are perfectly normal! No one wants to be with someone who is toxic or negative. They are energy vampires and it's very wearing. And add to it that she's your mother and you feel you should be in her life so there's that to contend with. My dad has early dementia and when we first moved him to a lovely place, he too complained all the time. Broke my heart. I hate to sound like a broken record because I mention this all the time, but getting him on an antidepressant made a world of difference. He is a different person now. Everyone notices it. Less self centered, more engaged and actually says nice things about his life and wear he lives. Not bathing can be the dementia and/ or a sign of depression too. I would suggest you get some ways to help you cope with her to protect your emotional stability by having a visit or two with a therapist. You have done what's right for her, don't let her try to manipulate you or guilt you. For her, you are an easy target as her child. God bless you.

Jeweltone, I just read one of your replies and there is something in what you wrote that I want to comment on. You said " I know she is safe and content, it is just hard when she makes me feel like it is my fault she is so miserable. I try to bring up activities that I know are going on the following week at the center and she will ask, "how did you know about that?" she really don't want me to know. I realize I am not responsible for her happiness, I just wish I could make mine better by not feeling so guilty."
This is where I think counseling with someone might help you but she can TRY to make you "feel guilty", (that's called manipulation) but only you can feel guilt from yourself. You need to find a way to not absorb and take on what she wants to project on you. Guilt is unreasonable because you've done nothing to feel guilty for. You say you tell her about activities...stop. The staff has told you she is participating in things...let her do as she wants, you need to understand you are not dealing with a person who wants or cares for your advice. You hit the nail on the head when you said you're not responsible for her happiness. Bingo! Once you can let go of that need to mother her or control the situation to bring about an outcome that is impossible, you will feel a weight lifted. Have a mantra you say before seeing or calling her like "none of this is my fault or in my control. She is who she is" and then say the same mantra after your visit. We all would like a lovely life with our parents but sadly it just isn't always so and wanting our parent to like us is buried deep in our psyches. This is why even abused children still want the love and approval of the abusive parent. So parent yourself. See about getting her on an antidepressant and get yourself to a talk therapist for a better understanding. Your happiness is deserved. I can tell you are a lot like me and this is where I speak from. So much of what you write could have been written by me six months ago. Even now I have to step back and try not to control my dad's life and feel like I need to make him happier than he is. I realize this is long, but please know it's written from a "kindred heart". Take care of yourself by learning coping skills. Blessings

Thank you harpcat...the doctors have tried many different antidepressants with her. At this point nothing seems to work. The only thing that seems to keep her in a less anxiety state is xanax. Without that, she is really a mess. When she doesn't take it for a couple of days. she is worse than ever. She will say things that don't make sense and repeat herself over and over. It is weird how a little white pill can make a difference. The other medicines they had her on didn't really show any improvement. They also tried respirodone (not sure of spelling). That was terrible, it kept her up for 3 days straight. She paced the floor and got whelps after two days of not sleeping. She also tells me I am trying to kill her with the medicine I put in her pill box. she only takes xanax (generic to be exact), an acid reflux medicine and aleve. We try to get her to take the anti-anxiety at least two to three times a day, but she refuses. Morning is all she will take it. Before she went to AL and I was staying with her and had a caregiver helping while I worked, she took it minimum 2 times a day. Now at the AL they can't administer the medicine so I put it in a box. She only takes morning and leaves afternoon. They do come by for a reminder and encouragement, but she tells them she already took it. I so agree with you about wanting approval from our parents. It is hard to see when she is smiling with one of the girls from AL and I walk in and literally the frown comes out of no where for the rest of my visit. I called yesterday and she told me she didn't feel like washing her hair and for the first time I didn't try to talk her in to it. I said ok and we hung up. I am up early this morning knowing I need to call again to see if she feels like it, but I don't really want to. I am tired of the dread in my soul. Then the guilt sets in that I feel that way. Thanks again.

I found the trick to getting my Aunt, whom also has dementia, to accept new things is to get her friends(peers) to talk positively about those things.

To answer your question, Yes, it is "normal", for you to become the enemy. Dementia ....ah!....I also deal with the same issue with my husband & with clients. Negativity as well as Joy all are a part of it. I'm dancing the dance with you. I am a trained professional in the field-matters not .....it is a moment by moment thing. BE GOOD TO YOU....best advice I would give you....

People call me "Patty Pooper", they say i always bring down the mood.. One must make an effort to say something nice about anything or anyone,, Negatvivity is easier to throw out, especially when you get in that bad habbit. So, today I am going to say something positive to anything. Maybe the cat will be a good starting point....

I can relate to all of these comments too. My mother is in a new assisted living home too and she has the same mindset: complaining, negative, self-centered, and no empathy. She has frontal-temporal dementia so her short term memory is very very short. It is very stressful to go over there to see her because nothing is ever good enough. She hates the food, complains that she never sees anyone, never goes anywhere, is lonely, doesn't have any money, can't do this cant't do that..... But the reality is that I take her out two or three times a week to do shopping and out to eat and call her all the time. She is in a really nice facility and everything is done for her. The staff and residents are all very supportive and nice but she is never happy. She tries to make you feel guilty although I don't that is her intent but I have told myself not to feel guilty because I am doing all I can do. I also work and have two active teenagers to take care of. She is negative and complains all the time. Everything is Me, Me, Me!!!! It is very depressing and stressful. She also says I am picking on her or arguing with her all the time when I am not. She'll ask me something and after I answer her she'll say "I know!!" defensively. Ugh! It makes me feel negative after I am around her and then I take it out on my family. I am trying to deal with it but it is hard.