Is it normal she's so negative?

My Mother is so inconsiderate of everyone. She has always been a very caring, warm person. In the past 2 years I don't even recognize her. She says hurtful things, argumentative, and demanding. I feel sad that after having a wonderful , warm relationship all our lives, now I don't even want to spend time with her, but I do. Her vision is poor, her memory is fair, she is in chronic pain from her back. She does have plenty to be crabby about. She is in a wonderful assisted living, plenty of attention, and activities. We visit often and many times take her out. I just don't want to feel like I want to avoid her.

Think about it … Put your self in her shoes .. Was she very negative before the diagnosis ? After starting to attend Caregiver’s meetings ,online , that is exactly what I did. I sat for a long time and thought about if it was me , if I lost who I was . If I could no longer do the things I love to do . If my freedom was taken away from me, I question myself on what my reaction would be. I would not be very happy . I lost my loved one early this month .The things about him that drove me crazy during our 30 plus years , got worse as his mind did. His brain was broken . His diagnosis was 6 years ago .I was able to keep him home until the last month .. I was not working and there was only the 2 of us . I watched him slip away day after day .. When He was giving me a rough time , it was because he was having a rough time . He also had something called Anosagnosia.. In the reality he was living in , with his broken brain, he did not believe anything was wrong with him . It was not denial it was a real thing . I arranged for him to go into a Memory community when I knew I was no longer able to keep him safe . If I had not connected with Caregivers meetings 4 years ago , I would never been aware of so the many things that helped me uderstand what he was going through. You are not alone. There is help for you out there .. You just have to look for it . The Alzheimer’s Association can head you in the right direction . It’s a vile disease. Early on, it would not have bothered me if he fell off the edge of the earth , but during his last year and a half it had been a heart break that will take time to heal .

Yup dementia intensifies a negative attitude. My mom is happiest when she is unhappy. She has always been that way…..non stop complaints of her AL and it is in an upscale retirement village! Staff “steals” , food is horrible, activity director cheats at bingo calling, staff too slow, coffee is bitter, not enough staff, too many cookies served, place is damp and cold, windows leak air, bed made badly, poor housekeeping, chairs too heavy etc. She also has told staff I hired a man to kill her….My visits are hell. I do searches for hidden items every visit. She hides soap, toothpaste, tv remote, baby wipes along with anything Lewy Body thinks a staff member might want! Even our weekly visits at my apartment are not enjoyable. After 27 yrs working LTC I expected complaints but NON STOP??!! UGH

Exactly my situation. I have ended up with stomach and heart issues because of the stress and she lives in Assist Living. My doctor told me to quit visiting. She told me to quit expecting Mom to be different, it’s not going to happen. It has only gotten worse. People have quit telling me the awful things she says about me. Last week she called friends in Canada and told them I took all of her money and bought a house in Florida. I could go on and on. Not only does she have dementia, she can’t hear so it does no good to try and explain anything to her. I am at the end of my rope. I have no idea what to do. I just keep telling myself it’s the dementia but it still hurts terribly.

June 2014 post? Which is great if it is just a post of interest to everyone. Just wanted to let people know that I don't think the OP is around since around 2017 unless I am wrong.

Oh my our mom's would be the negative sisters I feel for you when you figure out what to do could you please let me know I too only child no more family, but my own iam getting hypertension 217/177 taking care of my mom 83 who's been on a poop rant for last month . It's down right driving me crazy . I feel like sh^t 😪 for wanting to say this but I'm gone bye mom Just like you I can't even wuth the negative things all of my life go enjoy your family and remember your a good kid now and always

I see my husband slipping a little bit more all the time into the negative attitudes and behaviors, unwillingness to be productive, laying on the couch watching tv all day, getting more and more attached to the dogs and less attached to people. He can still appear to be normal when with other people, but even then some of the lack of impulse control and inability to accept change is embarrassing. Sometimes I feel trapped, and guilty to feel that way because I know he isn't purposefully making my life miserable, and dread the time when it will be worse.

MY 92 yr old MIL is staying with us for 3 weeks. She tells the same stories over and over about things that happened in the past where she feels like it was unfair to her--like how her siblings didn't help with her parents, etc.. She has chosen to be a victim and chosen to see one of her children as a victim, and she isn't about to consider it could be any other way. As my husband says, "It's a losing cause" to try to make her happy, so just see that her physical needs are met and let her live in the misery she loves.

I find many advanced elderly are very negative and they feed each others negative opinions. My mom has been depressive and negative throughout her life. She is in AL. She has many complaints..Food is her favorite. But they make her bed wrong, do not have adequate staff, talk too much, too damp, too cold, make noise, steal her clothes {not true}, ignore residents needs , call bingo too fast and on and on…I pull back on visits when my brain “burns”. Some weeks I tolerate about 8 hrs of visits, some weeks much less. I do ask myself…will I do this at 90? Or will I be the exception? My guess…I will complain!!!!

Since this is such an old post I will reply (can't recall if I did so WAY back in 2014) for anyone having the same issue.
Just reply...
"Gee I'm sorry that you feel that way."
And it this particular case..if mom is complaining about how you do her hair, let the facility salon take care of it for a month or so and see how that goes.

One of the Rules of caring for someone with dementia:
You can not argue with a person that has dementia. It frustrated both and you will never "win".

My mother has behaved like that since at least her sixties I would say and she had me in her late 30’s. So I don’t believe I got “the best of her”. She was a product of some unacknowledged generational trauma and has always seemed insecure and emotionally immature to me. Negative. Critical. Controlling. Dissatisfied. Predisposed to finding fault as if that were a virtue. Incapable of accepting constructive feedback or accepting other’s differences and opposite view points. She has and will always be right.

I no longer speak with her to protect my mental health from the guilt tripping and judgementalism - even though mainly directed at others including other family members. she complains about my dad, to me! As if I don’t feel it and know she judges me too. She denies that she is complaining if I call her out on it so I simply can’t reason with her. I have my own worries and can’t “make” her happy though she tries to use my attention in that way. I’ve learned that her happiness is her responsibility. You cannot make your mother happy now. Maybe for 15 minutes, but how long does that encounter drag you down? Hours? Days or weeks??

Like yours my mother is not going to go gracefully into a retirement or memory care home either even though she may actually prefer the captive audience for socializing.

My mother never got fully dressed even while I was a teen (thin housecoats were her uniform at home) so I almost never had a friend inside my house after middle school. She didn’t want to get fully dressed or clean up the house unless family visited a few times a year. …excellent way to screw up development of my social skills. My feelings of obligation to her go down when I think of how she (unintentionally) made my life so difficult to ease her own.

If you got to know your mom when she wasn’t a childish butthead, cherish that privilege I guess I would say. You’re not alone. Your life is all you have so treat yourself well. She’s lived her best life already - make sure you get to live your best life. You cannot save her. You may be where she is someday and will have to accept it too. Accepting what is rather than denying it will happen to us or guilt we cannot save our mothers may eventually bring us all peace.

yes
be kind to yourself

yes

It is clear from the number of responses to this post that you have struck a nerve, and you have a lot of company out there. My mother’s negativity is what really pushes my buttons, in large part because I have listened to her complain incessantly for a lifetime. I am essentially an only child, and she had no real friendships, so it all gets funneled into me. I have tried gratitude exercises with her and she can’t find a thing to be grateful for other than me. Even when her brain was fully functional, I couldn’t get through, but I can’t stop myself from trying even now. Many replies say limit your exposure to her, and I’m afraid that is what ultimately works best for me. I have double exposure because she is still quite facile with her phone and texts me all the time. I have learned it’s ok not to respond and give myself blocks of time. I’ve told her I need quiet time in the evening, and I don’t answer anything before 7 am. I’ve cut back my visits with her. When I am with her, she complains nonstop. She is a talker, but I swear if she could not complain she would have very little to say. Someone told me once that dementia brings out an intensified version of the person, and I believe that’s true. I don’t know, maybe it’s just an unhealthy way of saying “Look at me! Pay attention to me! I matter!” I am sure they feel themselves disappearing, and becoming less relevant, and I can truly empathize with that. But I am so worn down, and I matter too.

1. She could be feeling a loss of control in her life. Maybe she thinks if she complains you will believe it and take her out. It is a battle of the wills- she will keep complaining till you crack and remove her. definitely limit your visits. I use to sing songs I loved in my mind when my mother ranted just to be able to stay there.
2. Also keep in mind her “ opinions” are opinions and you can try the agree with her method and see if she decreases it. “ yes wow that sounds so awful. Gee it seems like they don’t have a variety of desserts...” see if she responds with “ it isn’t that bad” just to be oppositional.
3. Does she like music or reading? Wondered if you brought in music of songs if her day and have you two sing together , or a book and tell her to read you some pages - then she couldn’t be talking and talking about her own topics.

Hi again . Also have her hair done by the hair dresser that comes to the facility

I feel your pain. I had the same with my mother . I settled with only visiting once or twice a week for no more than an hour . 1/2 the time it was shorter . Mom passed away . Now dealing with same issues with FIL. Limit your visits and cut back on the phone calls .

I am reminded of something that may be useful to you. I once recorded my conversation to prove I was being nice but mistreated. Later, I went to listen to it, and to ME it sounded like I was being mean or irritable, the opposite of how I thought I was acting, while KNOWING I was making the recording. I replayed it many times trying to figure out how that happened. Sometimes our defensiveness can appear as offensiveness is one explanation. I remember later stating that in one part I was holding my hands up, clasped together, begging the person to "stop it". Even that came out wrong on the tape because you couldn't see my hands doing the beg sign. That gave me a lot to reflect on because if listening to myself be nice or offended came out TO ME as being the opposite, how easy it may be for others who don't know my thoughts, to feel that way too.

I can't say if that's you, but I can tell you, Turn your phone recorder on while you meet with your mom and let it run for an hour. Catch what you say and your mom's "bad" responses, and then review it later that evening or the next day, OBJECTIVELY. Listen to how you come across, as if you were an independent observer. Be honest with yourself. You may find you are just being taken wrong, and can figure out how to change your delivery. Usually the brain on the second time through an event is able to process things differently, see things it didn't see the first time, and then as you reflect on it, maybe replaying a section, the brain will provide you with more things that stand out. Then you have to use that, to change.

This is not to say that I mean you are the whole problem, but that this is a problem that does occur for everybody. Have you never said, I know I texted that to you, but that's not how I meant it! because the person couldn't see your emotions and you wished they had seen your face so they would have known, right? Same kind of thing but this is just an audio issue, but like that. They hear or see the words, but they don't get your real intent, and I don't think your mom is lying. I think she's most likely just not getting your real intent.

If I treated you in the office, the best advice I could give you is to tape your conversation and follow the above instructions. If she also is contributing due to who knows what mental disabilities, at least this will help you, and her, to eliminate anything on your end of the equation. If this seems complex, it's not. You can do it. Let your recorder aid you. This divide between what we think and how we feel and are perceived often happens when we have high emotions about an issue we are talking about or trying to resolve. So remember to smile. A real smile. Even you are in tears, love, remember some wonderful thing she's done for you that always makes you smile, and smile, and that may make it come across completely different. But YOU will know after you reflect on the audio tape, and that change in you will help eliminate hopefully all of those negatives coming from her. If so, be glad you figured that part out. And don't blame yourself if you find the audio needs to be changed. You just didn't realize it like I didn't. My hope is it helps most of the negatives, and leaves you with less of them, and thus be more manageable for you both. Don't give up either, because I found that at the breaking point, my brain became focused on finding a solution so that I would not burn out, and it came through faith in myself and God that I would find a way, that there was a way, to make positives happen.

I recommend having her put on 1/4 reg Tylenol for general pain twice daily, esp. if it effectively replaces her already-prescribed daily NSAID; then change it from ibuprofen, naproxen, etc to acetaminophen (Tylenol). Most centenarians I know who do all their own business use nothing else but Tylenol for aches. There's a risk factor for liver conditions. But it's the only NSAID that enters the brain and it fights brain inflammation! Proven.

My Mom is the same. After heart issues and signs of an ulcer (me not her)I have changed my approach. Just agree with her or don’t answer at all.
How long has she been in her facility. Mine moved in in April and things seem to be getting better. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

What if its not normal? Or if it is? Deal with the problem and don't try to categorize it.

Negativity is the brain chemistry changing.
No, it likely isn't 'she just wants to complain.'

Google Teepa Snow. Read, listen to a few of her free offerings and some of her webinars. She is one of the country's leading experts on dementia. I studied with her for close to two years. Good information. Supports making educated, kind decisions - for both self and the other person.

Gena / Touch Matters

Your mother, perhaps, is in her negativity, is acting out her frustration... her feelings of not being in control of her life any longer. With her dementia, she is not fully in control of her emotions. When your mother is complaining, just let her complain. Do not let it bother you. Practice loving detachment. Love her and let her babble. When you walk away from the care facility, be able to raise your arm and say, "We did it, through the grace of Jesus Christ!"

I wish I had an answer but I share in your misery. And, even worse my mom now lives with me & my husband, She’s never been a pleasant person, always negative, always complaining and now badgers me daily and throughout the day that I brought her to my home against her will because she has her home and can care for herself- total loss of reasoning! It’s been 2 years and I’m already at my wit's end. I’d LOVE to place her in a memory care facility. I am trapped in my own home. And, on top of all this we give her excellent care. Believe me I can empathize but the mental abuse she puts me through is demoralizing.

You hit the nail on the head! I’m experiencing this with my grandma. She is 100 and lives with me for the past 5 years. Lately she has been very negative! I make her meals, help her shower and dress, do laundry, clean, I created her own patio for her with flowers and all her favorites and she still complains! I take caregiving a day at a time and I sometimes too want to run away! It helps me to look back at pictures and videos of how we used to be. Sometimes you cannot even remember that person anymore. I also find activities she loves or movies that are her favorite. It’s good quality time without discussing anything deep. Also I’m working on playing along with her reality, and that seems to help.

Yes. My mom was always a negative person still is..yesterday I was told “ the foods terrible, the residents are not able to play bingo and need to not go, the place is cold and damp, a man at her table never shuts up, her blanket is too big, the candy was stale, they always serve cookies and there are people stealing”. Mom had similar complaints when living with my brother in a gorgeous home..This place is new and she gets great food and care..it is exhausting.

Honestly I think you should decrease your exposure to her. If you go once a week to do her hair change to every other week. Complaints about seeing you less should be calmly responded with “You complain when I am here so I thought you would prefer I come less often, this is a result of the choice you have made to be negative”. If her behavior improves then come more often and do not reward negative behavior. The most important thing is to cut yourself some slack. If she cannot remember to stop being negative then she won’t remember that you aren’t there as often.

It is not your job to make her happy. That is her job! Visit and leave when it is too negative. Counseling was a great help for me. My job is make sure mom is safe and well cared for…not by her standards which will never be met but by my standards..Good luck!

I feel for you. Please heed the advice of HisBestFriend above.

And also DO NOT bring her to live in your home. You need space in order to retain your own health.

I cared for my mom who had her moments but was usually her sweet self....she would ask for a note card and pen so she could write a note to thank someone for the wonderful time she had with them the other day....these people where long dead but I gave her the supplies she asked for though she never wrote the note. She wanted me to sleep with her instead of sleeping with the guy down the hall ( my husband of 30 plus years and her only son in law )

Same same same. I finally spoke to a social worker who told me to stop trying to fix my mom’s problems and bad moods. Put her back in the driver’s seat: “I’m sorry you feel that way. What do you want to do about it?” Questioning them is the only way to defuse the negative, mean behavior. When I calmly ask questions I notice how my mother has to think about an answer and it details her tirade. You’re not alone, truly.