Is it normal she's so negative?

OMGAHHHH! I’m soooooo where you are RIGHT NOW!!! Sorry…I can’t give you a solution or even an opinion, for you’ve asked JUST WHAT I’M WONDERING. Can’t wait to read these comments/replies. I’m with you @jeweltone. I WILL say, I’m praying for you and your mom as I pray for myself and my mom. Blessings & strength.

I agree Geaton ,

The problem sometimes is getting an elder to take a med for these issues . My mother refused , said “ those are for crazy people , I’m not crazy “. Some ask what every pill is for and in my 2 LO’s experiences , both facilities would not lie to them .

Or like my in laws , “ there is nothing wrong with me , my brain is fine “. It is interesting that they both said the same thing considering they are divorced 35 years and did not communicate with each other . FIL passed Jan 2024.

We just saw MIL this weekend ( lives 4-5 hours away) . Spent all day with her . I’m convinced that my suspicions have been correct that she has dementia as well . Definitely saw the progression from months ago . We did not bring up dementia or her brain at all . We talked to her about driving since she recently had a fender bender . We brought up her reflexes since she is very physically frail as well . She argued the accident wasn’t her fault . She made a right turn at a stop sign. She did not have right of way obviously . Her excuses of why it was not her fault were not rational .

Then she kept repeating that there is nothing wrong with her brain , and that if she thought she could not drive , she wouldn’t . We never brought up her brain , she did . There were other examples , in various conversations , which convinced me she has dementia as well , her reasoning is off . She like my FIL will never agree to cognitive testing . ( FIL was finally tested later , but refused to go to neurology for follow up , and his primary was not willing to list it as a diagnosis . She wanted neurology to do that ). MIL’s memory still appears good .( I did notice some comfabulation) . But I highly doubt a doctor will pick up on anything during a 15 minute visit . She can showtime well , seem normal .

I've been participating on this forum since 2019 and I've never really looked at this particular post (because yes, I'm living the "she's no negative" daily reality). My now 95-yr old Mom (who lives next door to me, single, and I'm an only child) has always been an insecure, somewhat fearful, glass-half-empty person. As dementia and memory loss creeps up on her, she started being weepy in the mornings. Totally out of character for her (a crusty, daughter of Italian immigrants from the Bronx). She asked to be on "something" from her doctor. This is a woman (an RN by profession) who barely took an aspirin in her life. Her primary doctor started her on the lowest dose of Lexapro. It worked really well with no apparent side effects. And, she seems less negative.

I can't stop her from watching "Anger-tainment" fear-driven news all day but I have learned how to blithely redirect our conversations away from mental and emotional and pointless junk. Or, I just pretend my phone is buzzing and excuse myself to "take this phone call".

I just wanted to put a plug in for prescription meds to deal with demented elders' anxiety, agitation and depression. It doesn't work for everyone, or all the time, but it's worth pursuing with their primary care physician so we caregivers don't get ground down to a pulp. Also, our LOs with dementia are losing or have lost the areas of their brain that can bring their minds to a place of peace, contentedness and acceptance. They can't help it and the meds are merciful for them...and us.

Unfortunately, yes! You are absolutely right about the personality changes and the negativity. It’s really difficult to not take your Moms remarks personally. Limiting your calls is a good way to minimize your frustration. You are doing everything you can and if that means calling 3 times a week, so be it! I know that it is hard not to react to constant negativity, but dementia is dictating her perceptions. It’s not your fault that she is unhappy, it’s more likely the dementia influencing her behavior, not you, but still it’s hard to hear! I was a mental health therapist in a hospital for 30+ years.
The counselors had a saying for such situations. it went like this…

”If you try to make sense of insanity, it will drive YOU crazy!” No matter what, she’s your mom, you want to do the best you can by her! Most mothers want the best for their kids. It’s okay to assume that is what your mom wants, but can’t do anymore. So, you have to take care of you now, and that is very hard to do right now! Just do the best you can and try not to be too hard on yourself or her! Both of you are in a very difficult and new situation. Be gentle with yourself and your mother. You are both doing the best you can under your new circumstances!

They all are different I’ve cared for some that are the sweetest to care for or the COMPLETE opposite . Even if they weren’t so sweet before they are now or vice versa .. it’s very interesting

I don't want you to be going through this - but I'm having the same feelings as you - 100%! My mom is still living alone and I'm an only child. The closest relative is an hour away and others are farther away. she is so negative it beats me down to a pulp. I just found this site and I'm thinking it may be my saving grace.

Omgosh...I dont have the answer but I can relate to you on all levels...I'm the only child taking care of her. She complains a ton. I think it is her only way to communicate so sometimes I have to be detective. But if it wasn't for the guilt and yes ..I do have some compassion there ...I would not call or visit. Tbh I have asked God to take her bc Im exhausted

You have a number of responses already and I do see some feedback that may be helpful. What I encountered working with nursing home, assisted living, or in home hospice patients is that they no longer have control or independence like before. So, what can they try to control at this point? They can complain and can refuse to do things. I know it has to be difficult to be on the receiving end of their words, behavior, etc. I am only sharing what I have observed over the years. A lot of people try to grasp onto whatever feeling of being in control that they can manage in their situation. It may not be the case in every situation, but it could be worth considering as a possibility. I hope what I have tried to explain makes some sense.

Hi, I feel your pain😁 funny not funny. My ma was diagnosed with rapid onset dementia back in Dec,2024, it hit us like a ton of bricks. But her health has been on a steady decline for about 3 years. She lives with my husband and I, I do have a younger brother who lives 3 hrs away and has a very young family, plus a newborn, so basically he's useless. When mommy was first diagnosed it was hysterically funny and insane. Like her putting salt in the sugar, cutting all the kitchen towels, garbage on the couch and the fridge, (Jesus take the wheel). It's just me and my husband and he works 10 to 12 hrs a day, and I have an autoimmune disease that's get exacerbated when I'm stressed. My body hurts all the time and I get very tired, especially after my at home immuno therapy infusion. My mom doesn't believe she has dementia, I'm lying to her so are her doctors, even when I constantly correct her it's my fault. Now a days she won't shower, drink fluids with out me begging, eat enough to live, and just sits around like a mute person. He arguments are I'm to weak to do anything. Well eat more, drink more, her Drs say the same thing, they cannot find anything physically wrong with her so she should be able to walk and do light exercises, she has an excuse for everything, I mean everything. I'm so tired I'm angry that she didn't think about her older years, she just expected me to take care of her. Even tho she was an abusive parent. That creeps in and I get angry because now I have to take care of her. I tell her she manipulates me, everyone sees it. I contact A place for mom, as soon as they found out she has Medicare, and applied to Medicaid, they cannot give me a referral or help me find placement for her. So now I'm trying to find somewhere that's safe, that takes her insurance, and that she likes. She says that I want to throw her away, not true it's unfair to her that I need help and she needs more than just me. But sometimes I tell her when she's being a pain, that I wish I could find a care home right now for you, because some days I feel like I'm going to drop dead.

Don't do her hair. Answer all complaints with "I can see how you would feel that way." and you can mean it as snidely as you want to meant it. Then redirect. Hey, Mom, did you get to see your favorite TV show today? Spend an hour or less and go on about your day. Mine does something very similar when you correct her. She'll say, "I'm wrong again," and make her angry face. Yep. You are. Redirect. My mother complains about the food where she is, but eats more when I'm not there during meals. Her taste buds are effected by her meds and her dementia, but also, Mom has always been a bit of an actress, game player, pity seeker, so I'm not at all surprised that she would "I can't eat the food" because she's probably thinking we'll become so worried about her not eating we'll take her out of there. Mom will fake gag on her food in front of me. At first I thought, maybe she's having swallowing issues, as those living with Dementia will sometimes "fake gag" because they can't swallow. BUT, when you bring her her chicken wings or McDonald's that she likes, No gagging. So, CLEARLY no swallowing issues. Honestly, as harsh as I know it sounds, from all the years I've been working in Nursing Homes, Assisted Living Facilities, Independent Living, Psychiatric Residences, I've kind of learned to have a "whatever" attitude about it. Eat. Or Don't. Whatever. Why? Because I can't change it. She won't ever stop doing this. Nothing I say or do will convince her to stop. And, honestly, if she wants to starve herself because she thinks it will bring her life to and end faster...well....I completely understand. I probably will too, one day, when I'm in her shoes. I had a patient once tell me, "All that is left is the waiting." And that sticks with me. From the point of view of a daughter, that hurts. But from the point of a view of a healthcare worker who is, frankly, sick and tired of seeing patients who are being "kept alive" so to speak, by family who can't/won't let go, and how unhappy they are...I get it.

Not to make light of your situation, but my mother was very negative even before she started with dementia! 😅

II think it's normal I went through this with my mom for many years and was miserable. I felt like I could not do anything right in her eyes. I didn't realize that she had a mild form of dementia until about a year before she passed where it became more pronounced. Everything you said about your mom was true about my mom. I also am an only child I also am an only child and I understand 100% how you feel. I also did my mother's hair every week for 20 years, I rarely got to thank you. All the weight is on your shoulders and you don't feel any gratitude coming from her. It's hurtful when you sacrifice so much of your time and sanity and she doesn't appreciate it. My mom passed 2 years ago and I still grieve her. I can tell you that everything you do for her now will be what sustains you after she is gone. You will treasure everything you did for her. Also take time for yourself and do things that help you mentally. Do things that give you mental stamina especially when it comes to diet. Do things that relief stress. I think if I had taken time away from my mom to care for myself it would have helped our relationship and it would have helped me to view all her negativity in a different light. I took all her negativity so personally because I was so stressed out. I think your mom is blessed to have you

Sounds like my Mother, Dementia can be different in everyone. Do not forget about your self care

My mom has been in AL since Nov 2023. She fights being there 24/7 saying to my sister, my daughter & me that "who put me in here?" & "Well you put me in here..I should never have gotten rid of my car!". In Sept she broke her leg spent time in rehab..because of this she can't walk & is in a wheelchair.This is the reason she's there. She has ALWAYS been negative & said mean comments. I have gotten to the point of walking out when she throws some nasty comments. She complains about EVERYTHING! Nobody knows what they're doing here, they don't know how to cook, they sleep at night & change clothes in the morning(truly false). They get in my refrig & eat my ice cream bars, takes little things like her nail clippers & she's missing clothes. I avoid going to see her as much as possible. She'll be 84 in Sept. I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one with a narcissistic mom! The staff tells me they have other residents who behave the same...these gals are saints❤️

Normal ...Dementia....Negativity. Personality Changes. Poor reasoning. And you ask is this all normal? It takes a village. Try not to be so hard on yourself about it .
Your family needs you. Be kind to yourself.

I TOTALLY understand where your coming from and what your saying. My mom also was diagnosed with dementia approximately 3 yrs ago. She lives with me and my husband. You are so right when you say that when they think that they know something but they don't. Like anytime I take my mom to an appt to a new doctor or to a yard sale or something my mom will say "oh I've been here before " and I'm just like NO mom ypu have never been here she will say well your brother must of brought me here which that never ever happened. When she lived with him she was still driving herself around and going places On her own. But it doesn't matter what you say to your mom there minds have them convinced of this. Try to think of it this way just think if it was you and your mind had you convinced of something it would be really hard. Plus it doesn't matter what you say she is still going to believe what she thinks SHE CANNOT HELP IT. My mom has been a negative Nancy for a little while but it's SO HARD to be around someone who always complains when we're watching TV she will say well that's a dumb commercial or she just gets down on herself like oh im so dumb, or like she has a little pity party and I'm just like Mom you should be grateful for everyday that you have. She also likes to talk about her wonderful sons mind you neither one of them calls her or comes over to visit her. Here I am taking care of her making her meals daily waiting on her like I bring all of her food to her etc it just seems like it doesn't matter what I do it's never enough.it just seems like all they remember are negative things. Like I took my mom to the casino last night all she did was complain oh I'm not winning I said Mom you dont win Everytime you push the button and then even when she did win she was not very happy.
Also I do not think you should just walk away from your Mom. She was there for you through your preteen years then your teen years and I'm sure that you knew if you needed anything at all you knew you could call your mom. It's now time for you to be there for your Mom NO MATTER WHAT THE CASE MAY BE it time to be there for your Mom. Plus I'm positive that this dementia thing is scary for your Mom cuz my mom every now and then will state that this dementia thing sucks and she gets scared cuz she's afraid she's going to lose herself. Ok just reassure her that it's just the dementia that we all know that and we don't think she's crazy cuz she's not. I look at lit like hey she changed my diapers and took care of me all those years now it's my turn. I reuse to put my mom in a facility cuz what she could afford would be a place that's run by the state and it would be a nice ritzy place. I've told her the only way she's gonna go into a facility is if she gets mean and starts hitting us or if she gets to the point where she does not recognize any of us then she will go into a facility. Hang in there you can do this and if you walked away from her I GUARANTEE you that you would/will regret it. Also I'm sure she's depressed besides the fact of having to leave her home and move into a place where she's doesn't know anyone at all. Just be patient with her she needs some time to get acclimated to everything there it's ALL NEW TO HER. hopefully she will make some friends.

Good luck and if you need someone to chat with or to just rant to feel free to reach out toethanks

Liz

It is taxing, emotionally on you. I know.
I believe (and support you) that you need to do what you can comfortably do - in terms of visiting / contact.

The negatively may not stop as she may be very lonely, depressed or a combination of factors due to dementia and other health decline / issues.

If possible, find volunteers to visit. I called LITA (Love Is The Answer) and check out local churches. You must take care of your own mental, psychological, and physical health. You need to focus on your family.

She will not change and it may get worse. Ask her MD about medication.
You could also try gentle massage - either a volunteer or a professional. Or call massage schools to get students to give her a gentle massage (hand massages, feet massages, neck and back rubs are good - (I am a massage therapist). If you mom is open to being touched in gentle, supportive ways - easing into it with conversation first, it might help her feel better - feel more connected.

I wish you well in setting your limits and taking care of yourself.
A family member (you) can be both compassionate and set boundaries. In fact, it is necessary. Take care of you first.

Gena / Touch Matters

You mother not wanting to bathe is common. Depending on her condition she may need assistance in the shower or help in actual bathing. Many residents hate the intrusion of a stranger in the shower and they try to reduce bathing as much as possible. Does the AL have a competent psychiatrist in the facility ? Your mother may also be depressed. If she is not on meds for serotonin or dopamine, ask the doctor/psychiatrist if they think she can take them. Slow acting meds like these increase the hormone/receptors in the brain. Serotonin will increase the feeling of calm, peace, satisfaction. The dopamine will increase desire to do things, increase energy, improve appetite. Don't waste time with herbs or over the counter nonsense. Real meds are needed. These do NOT dope up the patient, they just adjust brain chemistry. It can make a huge difference in personality and attitude towards her living condition.

I love that this thread has almost 1,500 followers.
Seems it must be normal, then?

I will say, there's simply not a lot to love about old age. I say that as an 81 year old.

If you can figure this out, please let me know. My mother wanted assisted living and dad did not. Has my father dementia has rapidly increased, he is the happy one. My mother on the other hand has become jaded and complains most of the time. I am torn as what to do. I can't split them up they have been married for 64 years. What do you do?

Wow going through the same. No matter what I do or say she has a nasty comment. I just told her we had already seen a TV show she has on and she called me a liar. I just spent hours making dinner and all she does is complain. I'm so done.

As my mother’s dementia and agitation increased, her doctor put her on a low dose of sertraline- an anti-depressant. It worked for her. Good luck.

"Her memory isn;t so much the issue.....her inability to care for herself, and her reasoning skills are gone. Oh my, you cannot reason with her at all"
.."well, you are always right and want to argue with me."

Yesss, same here with my Mom. Add in her 'poor-me routines' anytime I bring logic and reason....Makes me seriously think that her strategic use of these 'skills', as she uses them to 'fight back' against logic(about stuff she doesn't want to consider), shows that she CAN reason quite well!

I have found BOTH Narcissism and Dementia strategies to be very helpful in dealing with her. And you tube is helpful along with this site.

PS @NeedHelpWithMom
Thanks! I'm going to check out "Jokes for Caregivers" topic next!

As you can see from the wealth of responses, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! While this behavior is common with dementia, it is often an extension of a person's existing personality, which only gets worse when dementia sets in. In addition to what others have offered as advice and coping, I suggest you go online to read/listen to videos about narcissistic parents. Dr Ramani is a blessing! Good Luck

I am a new caregiver for my mom who has dementia. Regarding the comments about the newness of this post.....I was so encouraged to read it. Yes, it might have been here for months/years, but the issue is still very relevant. I felt so much better having read that so many people are feeling the same way I do, and the desperation associated with this disease. I am extremely grateful for all of your comments. I'm hoping to be able to print this out so I can get some reassurance when I'm about to jump off that cliff.

Need...
I get that some stay open but if it is for a specific problem or concern anyone having the same issue will probably not look through old comments or suggestions to find answers.
I don't know...maybe I get perturbed when I see a question and go to respond and see that it is 9 YEARS old.
I will just try to ignore them and try to remember to look at dates before I reply

I have to ask...
Why is this still open for responses? This question is from 2014!
I doubt anyone having the same issues would read through 1K replies/ answers to get the gist of what the conversations are about.

Burnt Out Caregiver, I know we've butted heads before, but I have to say I am glad you don't care for anyone I love. Your name says it all... I hate that you are always coming up with some version of "take the old nag behind the barn and shoot her for YOUR own good."

Seniors, whether they are demented or not, predominantly suffer from loneliness. Add the uncertainty, confusion and depression dementia causes, and you have the perfect recipe for anger and upset. On top of that, when a Senior sits around all day with nothing to do and nothing to say, their mind (healthy or not) is going to look for what's wrong.

If mom had someone to talk to, someone to socialize with and someone to say "it's okay" when she complains (and maybe even do something about it), I can pretty much promise you her outlook will improve along with her mood and probably her health.

If I am not already ranting, please let me take a minute to go on a side rant...

We put our seniors in very expensive assisting living centers, hoping and praying it's going to be okay. We think they are going to get plenty of time to socialize, lots of care from the staff, great food and something out of an episode of the old TV show Fantasy Island.

In reality, the facility will probably have a 30:1 resident/caregiver ratio, and you expect the $15-hour caregiver who pops in on her once or twice every eight hours to be her mother, daughter, social worker, psychiatrist, doctor and caregiver too.

FOR EVERYONE READING THIS, ONCE YOUR LOVED ONE GOES BEYOND INDEPENDENT LIVING, THEY ARE GOING TO NEED ADDITIONAL CARE! And for anyone who believes the promises the commissioned salesman at the facility tells you, please call me - I have a bridge for sale!

Jewel, you are a gem for reaching out for help, and for not entirely wanting to take Mom behind the barn; I would offer you this:

Find someone who can spend a few extra hours with mom 3 or 4 days a week. It doesn't have to be a paid professional. Maybe she has a granddaughter or a teenager who needs volunteer hours for her college applications, one of her old friends, or a friend from church.

(Burnt Out, I know you don't think anyone is willing to do a good deed out of the goodness of their heart, but I promise you they are. Mom is already in a facility; an untrained volunteer can sit and talk to her.)

You mentioned Mom doesn't like the way you do her hair. Take her to a beauty shop or have a professional come to her. Maybe it's not the outcome so much as the dependency on you for help with something she's always managed on her own.

Bring pictures or memorabilia from her past. Bring cute (cheap) gifts to keep her occupied. Watch TV together and talk about the show during the commercials. Ask her for advice on something in your life! Talk to her about upcoming events and invite her to participate.

In other words, give Mom purpose and help her have a life worth living!

This question with its 1,000s of answers just tickles me.
We come out screaming and yelling and often seems to me we don't stop until we are dead for six months. As a species I find us overall somewhat negative.

Cut your visits back to once a week and calls twice a week. When she starts up with the complaining and negativity that is when the visit or the call ends.

Make sure to tell her when she starts up that you don't care and are not going to listen to her complain. If she doesn't stop, you get up and leave then the visits get cut down to once every other week.
Same with the phone calls. When she starts up you end the call the same way as the visit. If she continues with the complaining and negativity on the phone the calls get reduced to once a week and if that doesn't do it then once every two weeks.

When she gets lonely enough and wants your company she'll stop complaining and being so negative.