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The counselors had a saying for such situations. it went like this…
”If you try to make sense of insanity, it will drive YOU crazy!” No matter what, she’s your mom, you want to do the best you can by her! Most mothers want the best for their kids. It’s okay to assume that is what your mom wants, but can’t do anymore. So, you have to take care of you now, and that is very hard to do right now! Just do the best you can and try not to be too hard on yourself or her! Both of you are in a very difficult and new situation. Be gentle with yourself and your mother. You are both doing the best you can under your new circumstances!
I can't stop her from watching "Anger-tainment" fear-driven news all day but I have learned how to blithely redirect our conversations away from mental and emotional and pointless junk. Or, I just pretend my phone is buzzing and excuse myself to "take this phone call".
I just wanted to put a plug in for prescription meds to deal with demented elders' anxiety, agitation and depression. It doesn't work for everyone, or all the time, but it's worth pursuing with their primary care physician so we caregivers don't get ground down to a pulp. Also, our LOs with dementia are losing or have lost the areas of their brain that can bring their minds to a place of peace, contentedness and acceptance. They can't help it and the meds are merciful for them...and us.
The problem sometimes is getting an elder to take a med for these issues . My mother refused , said “ those are for crazy people , I’m not crazy “. Some ask what every pill is for and in my 2 LO’s experiences , both facilities would not lie to them .
Or like my in laws , “ there is nothing wrong with me , my brain is fine “. It is interesting that they both said the same thing considering they are divorced 35 years and did not communicate with each other . FIL passed Jan 2024.
We just saw MIL this weekend ( lives 4-5 hours away) . Spent all day with her . I’m convinced that my suspicions have been correct that she has dementia as well . Definitely saw the progression from months ago . We did not bring up dementia or her brain at all . We talked to her about driving since she recently had a fender bender . We brought up her reflexes since she is very physically frail as well . She argued the accident wasn’t her fault . She made a right turn at a stop sign. She did not have right of way obviously . Her excuses of why it was not her fault were not rational .
Then she kept repeating that there is nothing wrong with her brain , and that if she thought she could not drive , she wouldn’t . We never brought up her brain , she did . There were other examples , in various conversations , which convinced me she has dementia as well , her reasoning is off . She like my FIL will never agree to cognitive testing . ( FIL was finally tested later , but refused to go to neurology for follow up , and his primary was not willing to list it as a diagnosis . She wanted neurology to do that ). MIL’s memory still appears good .( I did notice some comfabulation) . But I highly doubt a doctor will pick up on anything during a 15 minute visit . She can showtime well , seem normal .