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When you are a parent, your child HAS to come first. Next come your own and your spouse's needs.
Your parent is an adult. Most of us had parents who cared for and nurtured us. I never felt as though it was my obligation to provide a home for, or to provide hand's on care for my parents. The obligation to provide care does not work that way, in my opinion.
Why do you think he'd be dead if he resided elsewhere?
I'm sorry to hear how you feel. I know its hard when there is no validation and acknowledgement for your efforts. Dads can be tough.
Please know there are always options. When we start using words like miserable its time to make a change. Talk to social worker. Talk to the town office. There has to be options for your dad. I know no one wants to move to an assisted living or a nursing home. Given his age he could be struggling with dementia as well or side effects of his medications, so maybe that is why he is not cooperative. Try talking to him and see if there is any willingness to change. And if not, do what you have to for yourself and your young family. Don't be like me and let the anger and resentment overwhelm you and in the end affect your ability to continue to advocate for your dad.
Thinking of you and hope you can find a better option.
you are thinking about change, may mean it is time...I placed my FIL in AL 8 months ago.His health is not good, lots of medications and for the last eight months he has been on an even keel. The one thing that did change, is I visit and support him...I am
no longer on the spot 24/7 and subject to his bad moods or worries. My family did care for him for 7 years.. and moving him to another living situation, put me and my family first. I am no longer depressed and wanting to run away. Contact local senior
agencies and get help- and do not back down when he fight you and your family.
My friend is pregnant with her second child. She has a nice husband and a lovely young daughter, having built a good life for herself in the face of early challenges.
For some reason, a man who has never taken any responsibility for himself or for the many, many children he fathered over the years has moved into my friend's house. He continues to refuse to make any changes in his lifestyle that might improve his health, and even resents my friend's attempts to help him with this. He shows no appreciation of the hard work it requires to keep him housed, fed and out of hospital and even complains bitterly about the restrictions he feels are imposed on him - for example, no smoking illegal drugs or living on junk food.
My friend is exhausted and depressed with her efforts to help someone who absolutely refuses to help himself; but she feels she has no option but to continue to enable this man even though other living options might prove more effective in making him face up to the realities of his choices and their consequences. She feels that she owes him something, perhaps. Do you think she is right?
I don't think he will ever become nice and listen to you.
Place him in a nursing him and if he wants to eat hamburgers and greasy food let him.
At least he will be happy doing what he wants in his last few years.
Why prolong the inevitable with misery.
Life should be enjoyed not prolonged to live in misery..
I would place him in a care facility as hard as it may be. He has made choices and is making choices that are next to impossible to bare for you. Please take care of you, unborn child, your family. I know I sound cruel but he put himself in that position. Plus he is still ungrateful. Some people just have to live with their decisions they caused. You do not have to. May God bless you , your family and I pray your Father see what you are doing for him and he changes.
My advice is to think about how the situation is affecting you. Some times you have to put yourself first. Good luck.
It sounds like you have talked with your dad and were unable to get anywhere and make any positive changes with him. So, now you have to dig deep and do what is right for you and your family. Someone else mentioned contacting the office of the aging which is a good place to start. There are options available to your dad, it does take time to get anything done, but it's well worth the effort in the end. Good luck, sending hugs and prayers your way. Remember, it won't be easy, but do what you need to do and be kind to yourself in the process.
Your father's problems are 100% of his own doing, aside from just aging. The MIA family? I would be too.
Even people on SSI can find housing. Get on your computer and start the search. Place him and walk away. If "guilt" gets to you--go visit him once in a while---but you put your own little family first and don't look back.
If he refuses to leave and gets abusive, call 911. I doubt the police will leave an abuser around a pregnant woman. Let the authorities deal with him. Your father is an adult. He's also toxic, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can get on with your life and look forward to bringing a healthy new baby into your family.
In your case I've a feeling there is another side of guilt you're not considering, and that is how you would feel if -God forbids!- your pregnancy gets affected with the stress and constant misery you are living in. Or in the best case scenario the mere fact that you're not enjoying your pregnancy as every mother should and not having moments of peace with your baby.
How about the guilt of not being a good mother because you're devoting most of your energy and life to him.
Is that guilt easier to carry? I'm afraid it probably is worse. So, to me it becomes in a way a matter of choosing the lesser evil, and more than anything finding BALANCE.
Caregiving absorbs not only all of a person's time, it absorbs their everything!! And you have no longer the right to devote all of you to him, because now you're a mom, and that should naturally be your prime role.
That doesn't mean you should relegate him and his care, not at all! But realize it's time to assume the most important role in your life, a role that any loving parent would want you to enjoy: Motherhood! Your father cannot tell you this as he is not able to for many reasons, but if he was healthy and kindhearted he would most definitely applaud your decision to be a mom above all.
So, look for help. Take the bitterness out of your home. Your home should feel full of light right now! You've plenty of good comments and suggestions here about possible external living choices. I'm sure you can find something. And if you're afraid he'll die within a year, first of all that might be an unfounded fear, but even if he did, please think about him, about how bad he feels now. He is probably so unhappy and bitter because he is not living life anymore, he is just surviving! So he might be ok with not staying here for so long. Think about him and you'll see the options seem a little different.
It's very hard to make these decisions, but it'd be harder to live with something you might regret for the rest of your life such as jeopardizing the health and wellbeing of your baby!
Have faith, be brave, take control of life and smile again!! :)
If he's miserable there, that's too bad, he sounds miserable anyway. If he wants to eat greasy burgers, let him, eating organic lettuce and chicken breast isn't going to make him young, healthy and vigorous. Chances are he will not, entering his new domicile, keel over and die, he could very well outlive YOU.... You have a baby coming and your own family, your own life to tend to, and if you do not find him another place to live, you and possibly the baby can suffer from ill health. Your marriage could be endangered. Read what all the sadder but wiser people here say and get going on The Big Move....please write back and let us know how it goes.