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You are allowed to stand up and say I can not do this anymore. You do not have to fulfill Mom’s request of staying in her home without accepting help from others besides you or because she doesn’t like being around strangers .
I’m very saddened to read on the other thread how this has impacted your children’s mental health and your relationship with them .
Yeah, I definitely think I need to. There are not enough boundaries at the house.
It definitely has been difficult for them. I am thankful that they are in a good place right now and recovering from the environment they knew too long. My elder child is close to their sibling and feels that things will get better. Hopefully I will have more time with them soon, but we really enjoyed the few days we had for summer together.
Just to start with, I would figure out what you are willing, and capable, mentally and physically to do and never go beyond what you can do.
It's great to do for are loved ones, but first and foremost you have to put you first!
And when you figure out how much you can do , then you have to make a plan to get help with the rest. People on this forum have great ideas and places to go.
I would also suggest that you stick here, and just read old post for a while. There is so much information here, and support, ignore the stuff you don't agree with but soak up the stuff you do..
Also I want to add, think about the future, which when I came on I was only thinking about today and next week. I was shocked at how many people did caregiving for 10 plus years, it really opened my eyes that I needed to put much more boundaries down now, instead of waiting until there are more and more setbacks.
My family now knows exactly how much I'm willing to do now and how much I'm not willing to do. For example when I came on here, my brother was made because he had to leave work because I wouldn't bring mom to doctors during a snow storm. They definitely get that now.
Let us know more about, who your taking care of, and there health issues etc....
Oh yes boundaries are a must!
Best of luck
I saw this as a response to one of the responders.
THIS is completely unacceptable. No one but YOU can decide what you will do.
Never turn down help that insurance covers..Never allow anyone else to speak for what YOU can “keep up with”.
Contrary to appearances, you are not an indentured servant.
The very idea that you did not override this mistaken idiot shows just how burned out you are.
Is there adult daycare available near you so you can get breaks ?
Does your mother have money to pay for caregiver aides to come to the house so you get breaks and get to leave the home ?
It is important to take care of yourself ( I know easier said than done ) . Make sure you go to your doctor appts. Eat well , get sleep .
Try to keep in touch with friends , hobbies , get out for walks etc . All the stress reducing things we see written about .
There are multiple threads that address this exact question . Look under the burnout section to read more ideas .
If your mother can afford it , it wouldn’t hurt for you to tour some memory care facilities so you know which ones you prefer ahead of time , should there be a reason you want to or need to place Mom in a care home.
Edited ….add ons .
You don’t say how much hands on care Mom needs , if she can walk , feed herself etc . Just FYI , thinking ahead if Mom does not have money for memory care , when she gets to the point she needs a lot of hands on care , feeding , in a wheelchair , Medicaid will pay for SNF in any US state . Some US states Medicaid will pay for assisted living /memory care , although most don’t .
Also you could look for a local in person support group for caregivers of Alz/dementia sufferers .
Im not sure if there are some places for adult daycare. I’ll take a look online. She has pt these days, and my siblings stop by a little during the week. I can’t leave the house unless someone is with her so I don’t get out much. I think so on affording care aids. The pt asked if we needed occupational therapy help. I definitely think we do, though siblings thought it was best that I keep up with that. 🤦♂️
I definitely try. Agreed, that can be hard. I try to keep up with doctor appointments and friends. I’ll take a look at the threads. Thank you for that suggestion. I’ve been taking a look at the narcissistic mom threads.
that’s a good idea. I have seen some of the care homes available and my late father left a plan for her if she needs it. I think they have some tour options available. She hasn’t wanted to leave her home of 40 years.
Edited: Oops, Mom is 86, finally uses her walker and wheelchair, her legs give out often so she has had a number of falls. She can’t dress herself without help, needs help in the shower and getting into/out of the elevator. She can feed herself, but she can’t cook anymore or serve herself anything. She gets confused and agitated often, less around my siblings. That varies too though. That is good to know on the options.
Could you call APS to say that you are approaching burn-out, which will not be good for the care you can continue to give? Don’t tell them that currently it’s excellent. When they turn up, ask for all the local options, with phone numbers and contact details.
When you go out to check on the options, tell your siblings that you will be gone for the morning, and they will need to cover the care for M while you are out. Don’t ask, tell them.
What would happen if you left her alone for a few hours?
You need to figure out what you are able and willing to do, and what are not able to do, then Don't do more.
Let other family members know what you will and will not do. Then, make a plan and stick to it! If the siblings are concerned about her needs being met , they can help, or hire outside help. If no one is willing to do it, then mom will simply be on her own for some things.
If you leave mom alone for a while, she could fall, she could go hungry, she could be unhappy. That's the reality many elders face because they don't have someone like you looking after them. It may be time for her to go to a care home which can meet her needs and keep her comfortable.
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