Hello, friends. · I was widowed in 2020 at a relatively young age.· Soon after, my mother moved in with me due to marital strains with my stepfather.· Her behaviors while she lived with me were demanding and harsh. She was also abusing her prescription medications which exacerbated her unpredictable and bizarre behaviors.· I endured these stresses without my younger sister's assistance until my mother returned home to her husband.· My mother was in relatively good health. My mom and her husband started splitting time in their two homes, separated by 1,200 miles; Summer in one and winter in the other.· In 2022 I met and married my new husband.· In 2024, being of full retirement age we both retired and relocated to another state, a 6-hour drive from my mother’s home.· Six months after retiring and moving my mother’s husband unexpectedly passed away. My mother’s health quickly and appreciably declined with an apparent onset of dementia.· It quickly became apparent that she could no longer safely live on her own.· My sister located an assisted residence for my mother, and she soon moved in.· My younger sister retired from her job prematurely which will soon cause financial issues for her and her husband.· Because of the close proximity of my sister to my mother, my sister has financial durable power of attorney over my mother’s assets.· She will not apply for my mother’s Medicaid to pay for her care.· My sister is withdrawing significant amounts of money from her already strained retirement account to privately pay for my mother’s care.· This is frightening because Medicaid, coupled with state programs available, there would be no out of pocket expenses. These programs would also protect my mother’s assets. My sister refuses to access these programs.· My husband and I cannot afford to contribute financially without jeopardizing our own retirement funds.· Though she promises to do so, my sister does not regularly visit my mother. She also ignores available programs that would make my mother’s care more affordable as well as protect her assets.· In the last six months I have made the 12-hour round trip to visit my mother 4 times and check on her wellbeing.· My sister will not communicate with me. She ignores my calls and text messages. She was surprised and perhaps offended when I came to visit my mother last week. This situation is causing unbearable stress and I just do not know what to do. I prayerfully seek input and sharing from anyone that might have a similar experience.
You have already told her what you have to say (the above you wrote us) I must assume.
(And you are CORRECT in all of it)
She will not listen.
She is the POA.
Your mother is currently in care.
It is DONE.
It's truly sad when family spends their OWN retirement money on elders; they will so badly need it for themselves in no time at all. BUT there's not a single thing you can do about that other than to not make the same mistake.
Your sister and you do not even minimally like one another at this point. Nor agree with one another. Nor obey one another's boundaries and business. There is utterly zero reason for you to communicate with one another.
Visit your mother whenever you like. You don't need to communicate with sister nor listen about her "surprise".
STAY OUT OF THE FINANCIAL END OF THIS WHICH IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS.
If you need someone to say you are right, then allow me. You are ABSOLUTELY DEAD-ON RIGHT.
If you need someone to say that doesn't matter, then allow me. It doesn't matter a fig that you are right; there's nothing you can do about it but tell her, and you DID that.
Please, just get on with your own life. Visit Mom. Stay out of sister's business and her life. You tried. That is all you can do. There's not a single thing other than this that you can do to protect her.