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Be aware of ‘nice’ answers to the questions you discuss. “Whatever we are both comfortable with” sounds good, but it really means “I have no idea”. So does “We’ll work it out together when we get there”. The ‘rules’ (like who pays for what) are much easier than the ‘expectations’ about behavior. Even the fact that you are living in HER house, while earlier in your lives she was living in YOUR house, may make more difference than either of you expect. Thinking hard about it now is much better than saying “If I’d known I was going to be unwelcome/ a nuisance/ in your way, I would never have come”, following a lot of pain on both sides.
Be sure to watch tv with the family every evening and help out with cooking your favorite foods.....share the kitchen, in other words. Often. Make suggestions on how to better raise the kids, spend money, spend leisure time, and schedule several showings of homes you think would be ideal for multi generational living, too.
The only way to know how it will feel for ALL of you is to LIVE together for 90 days FIRST. Up close and personal.
Then, if EVERYONE is still in full agreement about moving in together, press forward.
If not, explore Assisted Living options where you'll have help on hand 24/7 and autonomy at the same time. My parents enjoyed that immensely.
At the moment you might perhaps see your daughter twice a week for an hour and a half each time, and she is expecting to focus on you. Mothers who move in might expect to see daughter when she gets home from work, and then for some time during most evenings, with more on the weekend. That is a huge amount more time than before.
We often have daughters who (desperately) want some time alone to unwind when they get home from work, and then the majority of evenings on their own with their husband and or children. They can’t get that across to M, and M gets offended when they try. ‘Please go away’ is hard to sugar-coat. It gets worse and worse as M ages. And you can feel very lonely sitting alone in your room, knowing that there is 'company' off-limits on the other side of the door.
There are other issues too, but at least try and look at the striking ‘time’ discrepancies that are so often involved.
If you have proceeds from the house, I hope u held onto them. I am 74 and my plans are...if DH goes before me, I am moving to an apartment. From there an AL where I hope is my last stop. My girls will be in their 50s when I am 85. They have to work. I love them and they love me but living together is not an option.
Go to a facility, hire an aid or whatever but, not your daughter. That is a selfish move on your part.
The majority of complaints on this site are from adult children whose elderly parents live with them. Things might be rosy at first, but as the elderly parents' care needs increase, and the adult children themselves get older and start to have their own health issues, the situation can become ugly and full of resentment.
If you want to maintain your own independence, move to a continuing care retirement community. That's what my mom did and what I plan to do as well.
We remain as mother and daughter rather than patient and caregiver. I can't imagine my own child having to bathe me or change my diaper.
I also like the idea of having a social life that doesn't depend on someone else. Even though my mother is in the early stages of dementia, she takes part in and enjoys the various community activities and outings.
While my mom's hands-on care is provided by her retirement community, my brother and I still each have "part-time jobs" managing various aspects of her life being financial and health care POA, accompanying to doctor's appointments, etc. Split between us, this is manageable, but that's because we are otherwise retired. If I was still in the work force, it would be like working a 70 hour week.
That's still a whole lot better than having mom live with me 24/7. Something like 40% of caregivers die BEFORE the person they're caring for.
Please resist romanticizing it in any way. It won't be The Waltons. If you are having medical issues now, just imagine what it may be like as aging contributes to declining health. Then imaging adding short-term memory loss and dementia into the mix. It would be a giant poop show for your daughter and her family.
I would research 55+ or continuum of care communities where you start with IL and then as you require more help and services, the transition is seamless for both you and your daughter. You'll have healthier social exposure and opportunities. You'll be more independent longer, and have a stress-free, resentment free daughter while you get all the care you need.
Make sure you have all your legal ducks in a row (PoA, Advance Healthcare Directive, Pre-need Guardianship, Last Will, etc). Also make sure to consult with an estate planner or/and Medicaid Planner for your home state.
I wish you all the best on this journey!
I agree with the comments about ‘don’t’, but if you might say ‘yes’, this is a good thing to do first.
I agree with the others fully , it will be hard on your daughter and her family.
I don't live with my mom, I go to her house 3 or 4 days a week, not alota compared to some of the caregivers on this forum, and it still causes us some amount of stress. Now that I am not burnt out and have support from friends on this forum it is definitely better. But last week I was at moms all day, came home and my retired husband wanted to talk about his day. To be honest after all day with mom, all I wanted was to be left alone.
So I see and understand how much stress this will put on your daughters family.
So the first thing I would discuss with my daughter is if she really wants to go forward with this and if she does to makes 100 percent sure that she will put you in AL if she can't take the stress anymore
Please keep us posted and best of luck to you
I pray nothing like that will happen to you, but I assume you, my parents didn't think it would happen either
You say you now live in an apartment near your daughter, so for now keep it that way. And if and when the time comes that you need more assistance, you can move into an assisted living facility near her. That way she won't be burdened with your care as she has 2 younger children and a husband, and they MUST be her number one and two priorities. It's really not fair to your daughter and her family to add to their burden with your care.
So instead start the conversation about finding the right assisted living facility in the area of your choice so your daughter is on the same page as you if and when the time comes.
I find it amazing how many parents as they get older just assume that their children are going to take care of them.
I was a caregiver for my late husband for many many years and I have made it very clear to both my son and daughter that they will NEVER do that kind of care for me. Period. End of sentence.
I will be placing myself in the appropriate facility if and when the time comes for myself.
Our children deserve to have their own lives, just like we have had, without having to worry about caring for us.
So start looking into the assisted living facilities in your area and find one that you will enjoy living out your days, with folks your own age, and with lots of activities to do to keep you as busy as you'd like to be.
Should your conditions worsen and you need caregiving that will fall on your daughter. If for some reason she can't take care of you and her own family and you have to get placed, she will have to come up with the value of your share in the property you buy together. If you insist on buying a place with her, don't have it in your name at all. Don't leave her and her family with a debt.
Don't do that to your kid. Let her live her life and raise her family. Don't put her in a position that will make her life and the lives of your grandkids hard.
Move into an independent-living senior community. Think about what your caregiving arrangements will be if you need care.
Making these plans ahead of time and not putting this burden on your child will be the best gift you can ever give her.
I advise against it. At 81, a retired RN, I would never do this to my daughter and her hubby, and mind you she has ASKED that I consider it if in future I am alone, would like a tiny house in back of their property.
No, no, no and no.
We have had our lives.
We are going to get weaker and more prone to problems and whether a stroke or anything other we are going to become more needy. Moving in with or even too near enables us. We shop less, depend more on help with the shopping. And our children become not children but caregivers. Caregivers get bossy. The children/caregivers think they can decide what we eat and when we eat it as a recent post suggest. The children caretakers have an idea that OUR happiness is their problem and that they CAN and SHOULD make us happy. They can't. Old age isn't about happiness.
NOW. If you INSIST you will do this thing I truly advise against.
1. A care contract. Attend an attorney with your children and with honesty discuss a care contract with cost of living shared. Who will pay for what, how much and when.
2. At the same time do the POA papers and do the will and do the advance directive. Be very clear in your instructions. You either want heroic measures or you do not. Be certain it is in black and white.
3. Have written into your care contract a complete list of how often you will meet to discuss "extended family issues". And how often you will re assess this "arrangement". Be clear in black and white that when it isn't working for ONE MEMBER of the household then it is OVER and you will move into alf or other care.
4. Be very clear on how much privacy the couple expects/ what hours of the day are private hours for hubby and wife and YOU are in your own space. What will be done to make that space pleasant and your own.
5. Be very clear that there will be weekly tea or coffee time in which you discuss any meaningless little squabble so that you can work it out. If you cannot in all honesty work it out it is over.
6. Be very clear that when you are debilitated you do NOT expect your child to be your 24/7 caregiver and nurse, but that you will enter care.
I could go on but those are the main points.
There is a lot of magical thinking that comes with this thought that this will, in a loving family, work out well. That I have not seen yet. I understand that those who come here do so because they have problems, so we see the problems. I will tell you what we don't see--the successes.
Read two books, you and your family, before this is done. All of you read it. Then discuss as a book club would.
One is MotherLode by Gretchen Staebler
The other is Death in Slow Motion by Eleanor Cooney.
Good luck.