I am absolutely at breaking point! I am the eldest of three. I have been the perfect daughter. Good at school, got a good job and bought my own houses. Never have I been or brought any trouble to my parents. My brother and sister are the total opposite. He’s a raging heroin addict, has been for the last 35/38 years and has sponged off my parents his whole life. He has been nothing but trouble his whole life. My younger sister, whole dabbles with drugs, drink and has stolen from them for years and years, I don’t have her in my house because of this. When my mum was alive and I would go to see her, I would have carry my handbag with me everywhere because if I left it in another room she would steal out of it. HOW LOVELY! Since my mum passed away 2018, it’s automatically assumed by my dad that I would take the place of my mum and do everything for him that she did. Which is exactly what has happened! He was diagnosed with Parkinson’s and Lewy Dementia in 2019 and has declined rapidly the last 6 months. I am there, only me, doing everything. Cooking, cleaning, appointments and he is very demanding. He expects it. Basically, that’s what I should do and what I was born to do. I love my dad, will always be there for him and take care of him, but how is it ok for my loser siblings not to? He said “Oh they have their own lives.” What about my life? I’m 56 years old, have epilepsy and a brain tumor, a partner and one 27 year old son. It has affected our relationships, but that doesn’t matter. I have been told by close family friends who grew up with us, that “Samantha, you have always had too much responsibility on your shoulders from a very young age!” I have been brought up and seen as a CHILD ADULT! My dad has a huge house and I have all the responsibility when he is no longer here, he said to me, “Samantha you know you will have an absolute SH*T STORM dealing with the will, house, money and everything with them.“ Now my dad is not able to live at home, independently anymore and I alone have to make a decision about whether he should go to a Care Home. I know in my mind this is the best decision, as I want him to have quality of life, for the remainder of his life. This is such a huge decision to have to make on your own, I feel guilty about everything. Normally in families the children discuss it between them but I don’t have that. And I know whatever decision I make my siblings will be at my throat like they always have. I feel so alone with this huge responsibility and decision to make. Any advice please?
What weight do the words of thieving and drugging siblings have? Simply refer them to you lawyer. They can't speak to you if you're not available. If they have keys to the house change the locks. If you don't live there sell it pronto or expect being stuck with squatters and a big bill to get them out..
You are so burnt out. Are there services in your area that will help guide you?
You say Normally the adult sibling discuss things. Maybe normally among families on the Hallmark network. I don't know of anyone in real life that has your imagined help from siblings. They all seem that they would until the stuff hits the fan, and then, as the saying goes, the true measure of the person is revealed in times of trouble.
Any advice? Write down all that needs to be done. Do first things first and write a comment about who you spoke to, at what agency, phone number and what was said. Add, must follow up on (indicate) date.
Find an agency that may have a Nurse caregiver's advocate (there's a better title for that kind of business) that can help you coordinate or make arrangements for your dad for you. Contact the Division of Aging and Adult Services (or APS) in your area.
Get things put into place as quickly or as slowly as you can manage and with each accomplishment you'll feel a little more liberated and proud. Besides, you wouldn't want those knuckleheads to interfere.
You are alone. And you are a awesome.
Yes, it can really help hearing someone else confirm our decision is the right thing but
*Trust your gut instincts*.
Also remember no decision is forever. Plans CAN be changed.
If it helps, I would certainly decide to have a relative placed in a supervised, staffed location for safety, if an illness/crises/sudden decline meant they could not live alone. Then wait & see what recovery could be made. Sadly PD & LBD are both progressive, but for now, just choose the best option for this week. Then re-assess if any improvement next week. Then next month. How does that sound?
The only one who can make you feel guilty is you. I am in a similar situation with my mother, placed her in care and never discuss details with my brother. I cannot provide the level of care my mother needs so placed her somewhere that can. It has made my life much easier and my mother is better cared for.
You've allowed this too long. Seems Dad has options, hire someone to do what you do or go to an AL. Time for that AL and sell the house to help offset the cost.
I have two brothers. Love them both. One lives 8 hrs away. The other lives 30 min away. I was POA and they pretty much just let me do. And that is what you do...just do it. Your Dad now needs more care than you can give him. Time to place him and your siblings have no say unless...they want to care for him. What they are afraid of is that the money train stops. ALL Dads money now goes towards his care. None is allowed to be gifted to his children or anyone for that matter just in case Medicaid is needed in the future. I guess your Executor of Dads Will? You can always turn that responsibility over to a lawyer and he can fight it out with the siblings.
I would say Dad loves you if he has given your Executorship. There's always at least one child that does more than the other but the parent still feels what they leave should be split between everyone. Do what you need to do for you and Dad. Then block your siblings. Have no communication. Don't allow them in your home do not give them any money. They have chosen to live the way they want.
Love it 😁
Add it to the t-shirt range:
I am not your maid.
I am not your chauffeur.
This is not a cruise ship.
Try to shift your focus from those that can't/won't help you/are useless/destructive to finding the right support.
If it cannot be found withIN your family - look OUTside your family.
Just like if you don't have parents, aunts or other trusted relatives to babysit your kids, you find non-family you can trust.
"I alone have to make a decision.."
Are you Dad's sole POA? Even if you are, the right support can help you sort through the facts & feelings until you reach a decision you feel good with.
When my DH and I were younger, we dreamed about owning a boat...how cool would that be, just able to jump into our boat and tool around aimlessly on some lake somewhere. Now? I think I would rather watch paint dry or grass grow than to own a boat; I can't think of anything more *boring* than tooling around aimlessly on some random lake somewhere.
You say you always *wanted* to "be there" for your parents. Do you still want to? Because you already know how much help you're going to get from sibs (that would be, in round numbers, zero) and how flexible dad is with his care (that is to say, not at all). So if you still "want to", at the very least be honest with yourself and acknowledge that this will likely be all on your shoulders with little to no help or support. If you don't "want to" for dad, THAT'S OK! Lives change, people grow, circumstances shift and what seemed to be a good plan all those years ago is no longer sustainable. So while you are looking at the best decision scenarios, take into consideration that YOUR considerations are EVERY BIT AS IMPORTANT AS DAD'S and do what works best (not what "is best", because in caregiving, it usually comes down the best of bad choices) for both dad and you (and your family).
Good luck!
But the thing is your poor dad has declining health. In fact he now requires care that is beyond your capability even if you were a practicing physician in perfect health and no family of your own and even if you had helpful healthy siblings who lived right next door and did all they could to help, even then, no getting around…your dad is still in decline.
Your dad still needs a number of helpers and someone to manage them and pay them and it has been established for him to live out his life under the accepted norms, he needs facility care. This truly has very little to do with you or your real life siblings and everything to do with dad and his failing health.
So, let it all go. Let the need to be the one doing all the work go. It will take a minute. For someone to be in your position in the first place, you somehow convinced yourself it was all on you. From what you write perhaps it was your life’s work. But all good things must come to an end. Your fathers failing health is the thing that has released you.
Nothing to do with you. Zilch, Nada…. That is an illusion you are holding on to. Take a deep deep breath and open your sweet hard working hands and let it simply float away.
Enjoy that for just a moment.
Only a moment because you can’t afford to be stuck in self manufactured guilt. You did not set the order of the life cycle. That isn’t on you. You need to focus on securing the payment for dads care.
If dad has money, it must go for his care. If he doesn’t, he will need Medicaid. If he is denied Medicaid then you might have a reason to worry.
This can be avoided if you manage it properly.
You need to see a certified elder attorney to make sure beyond a doubt that he will qualify if and when his money runs out and don’t think it can’t, private care is very expensive. Please don’t leave this to chance or the interference from your siblings. There is a great deal to understand about Medicaid and how to access it when needed. Your siblings are not apt to know about this and could cause problems even if they didn’t intend to. Nail down the financial. Focus on that portion of dads care. If dad has legal representation already and you think you have that covered, don’t be so sure. Don’t leave it to chance.
What's changed since Oct 2021?
You also wrote that your father was hospitalized last week. Is he still in the hospital? Did he go to rehab? When he was hospitalized was your golden opportunity to get him into a facility.
What are his finances? Can he afford a facility? Could he be Medicaid-eligible? Please seek the advice of an elder attorney, as all the gifting of money to your siblings could be problematic for Medicaid qualification.
Apparently you were trained from an early age to be your parents' caregiver. Are you seeing a therapist to work through why this happened and (IMHO more importantly) how to extricate yourself from your caregiving slave life?
Your own health problems are significant. Please put your OWN health first. There is absolutely no reason why you should be doing for your father what you are currently doing.