I was on here last month, and you all gave me such good answers and there has been some big developments. My mentally ill mother has been suffering deep depression, which she blames on me not bringing her food, calling every day etc. after I’ve spent 7 years putting up boundaries around these things. I have offered to help her find professional help for issues repeatedly. 7 weeks ago I brought her to her doctor after she was exhibiting the inability to take care of herself, again. He told her she needed to go into at least 2-week nursing/physical rehab care to build the strength in her legs to safely live alone. She refused. She went into a deeper and deeper depression. My uncle and I and other family, reached out daily to ask if we could bring her to get professional help, but she refused for 7 weeks. Meals on wheels was coming but she stopped eating the food, left it all on the counter, stopped drinking enough water, and just sat in her bed throwing up. The meals on wheels people called in desperation that she wasn’t eating. (She doesn’t actually want this service; she wants me to bring her food in bed every day to assure her I love her, possibly BPD?). On Tuesday, she finally asked to go to the hospital. When I got to her house, she was naked in her bed, trying to pull up her pants. B/c she could barely move, I told her I would call an ambulance to move her, and she agreed. After the social worker talked to us, she labeled her “gravely disabled,” put her on a 72-hour mental health hold with intentions of transferring her to a 14-day geriatric psych ward. She is now sitting in the hospital furious with me. She thinks I brainwashed the social worker and I am cruelly having her locked up. In some ways, I feel like this is an opportunity for me to estrange myself. My therapist recommended that when the hospital calls in 14 days, I should say that I will care for her so that she is sent to assisted living. (These are Colorado laws.) I don’t want to go see her in the hospital or talk to her; I am considering texting her one more time to lay out why she needs to be in this situation and why I can’t have contact with her. Advice? Thoughts? Also, thoughts on becoming her medical power of attorney if she signs (which she may or may not, may if she wants to hold a connection with me)? Oh yeah, she’s only 70.
I was foolish my whole life and did not set boundaries with my chronically depressed narcissistic mother who refused antidepressants . I should have let her lie in the bed she made instead of killing my self trying to make her happy.
I finally ran out of steam when her dementia got worse and had to put her in AL.
update: She talked her way out of the mental hospital, my aunt picked her up, and is now flying her back to our town. Some type of estrangement may have to happen for awhile. Ugh.
You didn't choose for your Mother to stay or leave.
She did.
She does not choose for you how much help (if at all) you offer. You do.
Stay strong.
She has just received her 3rd 30 day notice in 3 years from her AFH.
Needless to say she has been less than cooperative as I ONCE AGAIN try to find her new housing.
Her DHCPOA was activated last year when she was then diagnosed with dementia…as if the mental illness wasn’t enough.
I too have been juggling the idea of stepping away. I have developed a panic disorder, GAD, and depression. And the guilt!!!!!
Just before you do, weigh the pros and cons. But I strongly agree with setting up and adhering to boundaries. If mom is in a place safe…then create some space and don’t allow guilt to set in. And remind yourself just how much good you have done over the years. <crying> I’m trying to do the same. 🥺
update: She talked her way out of the mental hospital, my aunt picked her up, and is now flying her back to our town. Some type of estrangement may have to happen for awhile. Ugh.
I read a stat that 60% of residents do not have visitors. Not that they are left behind but because there is no family left to come to visit. I know if I become a widow, I am an only child, and I never had children, my visitor count would be far and few between. My best friends would either be in senior living, moved away, or passed on.
I wouldn't expect there to be many visitors on weekdays, as most adult children are at work.
I would assume a high percentage of the residents in a NH are widow(er)s and thus have no spouse to visit them.
Doubtless, some elders are mentally ill and their children have cut contact in the name of self-preservation.
Some elders refuse to enter a facility that is close to where the "kids" live, thus rendering frequent visits a hardship.
We were fortunate that mom thought it a good idea to go to a facility that was quite close to where one kid lived.
I am slowly becoming aware that in the majority of dementia patients, they are forgotten, If there are any care home workers out there with better knowledge than mine on this subject it would be appreciated. Please do not jump on this post stating "what a callous post to make", this claim by me is the truth, this care home gets few visitors. Very few!
I have no formal training for mental health counseling - only the drabs of my own experience to draw on...
"she blames on me not bringing her food.."
Yet you did - meals on wheels arranged daily. So my guess is it wasn't about 'meals' but either control or attention seeking behaviour. Seeking love via your attention? Via you yourself bringing food? To fill some void? To cure her depression?
To seek from others.. without knowledge of what you seek.. Without insight to know any 'cure', any change must come from INside you - not from others..
Looking back, I became needy for my husband's company when suffering adjustment issues/post-natal depression. The 'cure' was not anything my husband could provide! Changes within me slowly improved & 'cured' me. A journey of self-discovery (to be all navel-gazing).
I think by stepping back a bit, this will allow others in. Allow the mental health team to do what they can (& we know this is an area with no quick cures, & sometimes no cure at all).
You cannot 'fix' her.
This is the Mother the universe gave you. So you shrug & say ok universe.
While Mom is being looked after - book yourself a holiday out of town? Mountain, beach, cruise! What's your favourite?
I think it is clear you need to back away from all care and NOT agree to POA etc., This is way beyond your ability to carry out. Way beyond anyone's ability except professionals. You have offered lots of help and she refuses it - part of her mental illness.
Personally I would not tell her. I would back away quietly. Given the present situation, I don't think it would accomplish anything positive, but it would give her more ammunition to send in your direction.
Please take your time and energy to look after yourself. Do some things that you enjoy. You need to get away from this stress and leave her to be cared by others.
Homeless people beg in the streets for food to eat. You saw to it that your mother’s basic needs were met.
You can’t force her to be agreeable. No matter how it all turns out, you have done more than enough.
Her mental illness doesn’t allow her to think about how fortunate she actually is to have meals show up on her doorstep each day.
Please find comfort by knowing that allowing yourself to surrender any responsibility for her care is actually the best option.
You’re exhausted and I completely understand why you do not have a desire to be involved in her care any longer.
Truth be told, it won’t help you or her if you run yourself ragged. She is already resentful and what purpose does it serve for you to be resentful along side of her. You absolutely deserve to live your life in peace.
It’s very sad that your mom is struggling with mental illness. Many people grieve for what they could have had if their mothers were mentally and physically well. Sadly, we don’t have control over these things and there is no practical solution.
I am glad that you sought help from a therapist. It is immensely helpful to receive an objective opinion from a therapist. I totally agree with your therapist’s assessment of this dilemma.
Best wishes to you. After all of this is behind you, focus on healing your heart and do something special just for you. You have earned it! Take care.
The reason is that she is mentally ill, accuses you of things, is angry and all the rest of it. If you inform her of your intent about anything at all, that gives her a hook to hold more accusations, anger, etc. It's best to remain silent.
Of course, since she's mentally ill, she'll still make things up. Be prepared for that.
An example of what I'm telling you is a perfectly innocuous statement that you might make, such as "I'll get out the blender tomorrow and make a smoothie." The next thing you know, you're accused of stealing her blender because you never brought it over. This is a total misunderstanding that she has about the blender, but her brain isn't capable of recalling exactly what you said about it. She probably doesn't hear it right in the first place. She may not even know what a blender is. Explaining and reasoning with her is never going to be possible again, so save your energy.
I'm in favor of doing all we can for our loved ones, then protecting ourselves. We can keep the compassion we feel for them, but we don't have to give them the ammunition to shoot us down - again. And yes, I've been through something like this too. Not fun.
No, I would not attempt to care for a mentally ill parent. Yes, I would inform that parent that I was unwilling and unable to care for them or to participate in their care. I would supply them with all the numbers for support: their doctor, EMS, their Social Worker.
No, I would not serve as their POA for anything.
That is simply me. I know my limitations. The author of the book above tried for DECADES to help her mentally ill mother. There was never any help despite her continuous decades long interventions along with the entire city and state of New York. I am afraid I am not skilled enough nor enough of a survivor to attempt such care.
I am terribly sorry. Not everything can be fixed no matter the amount of time, money, intervention, skill, medication and support given, and it breaks and takes down everyone on the periphery of the mentally ill person.
Many people do not have children to depend upon. They become wards of the state. But the truth is that even the state is prevented, legally from intervening in the care of a mentally ill person in almost all circumstances.
So, yes, I would inform the parent that I was sorry, but that I was incapable of dealing with him or her.
Denchen, mental illness is a lose/lose situation.
Being POA isn't going to make your mom cooperative, will it? It sounds like she needs to be under the authority of a public guardian, who can force placement in a way that you cannot.
Assisted living is private pay and I really don't think one would take in a mentally ill resident. Not fair to the other residents and ALs are not equipped to care for the mentally ill. Probably will be sent to Long-term care.
If you get a call from the facility Mom is being sent to for 14 days, just repeat what you told the other SW. It has been recommended by your therapist that you step back and allow the State to take over. For your own mental health, you can no longer be involved in your mothers care.
for sure, do not bring her home.
I would talk to the social worker at the hospital regarding a medical POA situation. If you are going no contact, then it’s unreasonable for you to be a medical power of attorney.