I have lost respect from everyone; my family seems to hate me and my father treats me like a problem child. I am losing my sanity.

It sounds as though you need to leave for your own sake, but also to make a change in the current situation. You think that no-one will care for your mother if you go, but you cannot be sure about that – without you a lot of things will have to change. Where can you go that you can afford? Leave, and take with you enough cards and stamps (postcards, no-message cards etc) to put one in the post to your mother every day. She will know that you haven’t abandoned her if you do that. Stay away until you are feeling better, and the rest of the family have had to cope on their own. That is the most positive thing you can do, for your mother and for yourself. Breaking down will not help either of you. Look after yourself first, then fit the mask to the other passengers – like they say on planes!

I read your profile, and it was unclear if your brothers also live in the house. Do they? (" I live in the house with a father that acts like he hates me and brothers who never do anything with me or for me.")

If they don't live in the house, then why were you the one who had to move in to help out with your mother? Do you still work from home? How long are you expected to be on disability? As long as you are living at home, won't you be expected to continue to do physical care for your mother that has the potential to injure you again?

What about YOUR financial future? Did you give that up when you quit your job?
What's going to happen when you are old? Do you have retirement savings? I hope you didn't give up a pension!

You say your father won't go to counseling, and that depression is about to kill you. Even if your father won't go to counseling, YOU can go for YOURSELF. Please do. I hope you get counseling from someone who will help you lay out the decisions you need to make and choices you have, and urge you to immediately. take the steps of the path you choose.

It's not the end of the world if your mother goes to a nursing home. Plenty of posters here (me included) have/had their parent(s) in a nursing home. Do you really think your mother would want you to be jeopardizing your future and your health (and yes, your life) by staying in the situation you are currently in?

What are your parents' finances? Can your father afford to pay for your mother if she is in a NH? While they SAY if you weren't there, they would place her in a NH, do you think that would actually happen? (I'm asking this, because they might be saying they would place your mother in a NH when they actually have no intention of doing so; they are trying to control you with meaningless threats.)

I say your father should be paying YOU for caregiving. Free room and board doesn't begin to cover what you are doing now, does it? And what about inheritance? Is everything split equally? How is that fair, when YOU are the one who is doing all the work for your father. And please don't say the money doesn't matter, because it does...you quit your job, you have jeopardized your financial future. Your brothers haven't jeopardized theirs, have they?

Please tell us that you are going to do something about changing your situation. Please move out and get another job. Why do you think you should do more than your brothers do for your mother? She raised them, too; why did she raise them to be so selfish?

Perhaps I’m not the best person to make recommendations since I’m experiencing a very similar situation, but I can offer empathy and a few pearls of wisdom I’ve found as I try to navigate my own disaster.

First, don’t have any expectations from your family. They have not demonstrated any concern and there is little chance they ever will. Any expression of wanting you to stay is likely from selfishness. In our hearts we know that healthy, functional relationships don’t work this way. They are not caring for you on any level so now you have to take a stand and care for yourself. Please develop an exit plan, even if it’s only short term so you can clear your head and catch your breath.

Consider your worst case scenario: your mom is placed in long term care. It’s not the end of the world. That is not abandonment and you can’t expect yourself to be the family savior. It’s not a reasonable expectation. Especially when there’s no amount of cooperation from the rest of the family. If your best friend was killing themselves in an effort to care for an unappreciative family, what would you tell them? You have to be your own best friend and take care of yourself. No one benefits if you continue on the path you are on.

Please consider my words as someone who is struggling too, as I am. However, I think we’re only trapped if we allow ourselves to be. It’s time we both take steps forward. Reach out if you need to. Perhaps we can cheer each other on. Best wishes to you either way.

I am so sorry that you are struggling. We can’t make people understand or care, especially if they haven’t walked in our shoes

I wish we could persuade people but we simply can’t do that. I think you need time for yourself. You are drowning in misery.

Is there any way that you can get away? Even if just for a short while right now, it would help. I hear your pain. I wish that I could say something that could help. Keep posting. Use this forum as a sounding board. Many of us have dealt with siblings that have hurt us. We are caregivers or former caregivers. We will help as much as we can.

Sending you many hugs.

Help yourself first. Sounds like your body is telling you this. Listen to your self.

Cruel words are hurtful and not always easy to ignore. Your father may not change or improve how he regards you, but you can. Sounds like you need to heal your back and soul. Ask him to find help right now. He is responsible for your mother.

Just get away a few days and recoup. That may help you. You don't have to go far. Just look up a nice hotel, close to home, far enough away too.
Grab a book or magazine. Get a nice dinner to go, eat in your room, nor not. go to restaurant...Relax... one day will help you. If you have a good friend to tag along with you, may help too.

Thank you for your reply to my question; it was really just telling my story and it feels good to know that someone is listening and cares. I quit my job one year prior to my mothers stroke and took a great job near my mother. She has been slowly developing dementia for at least 15 years. I had moved into my parents house while I searched for my own place and my mother suffered a stroke while I was living there with my parents. My brothers never liked the idea of me moving into my parents home. It is our family's good but strange value given to us by our father; a man should own his home and the land on it, keep a job and be productive even if he does not like it, and be married and never divorce. I have failed on all three and my brothers look at me as a 'Black Sheep of the Family'. When my mother had the stroke 6 years ago she lost almost all functioning; mainly the ability to talk and communicate. Her behavior was strange and my family did not like it. My father and i tried to cope and learn how to manage. Our first help claimed to be an expert on Dementia with a long resume. She was rough and condescending to my mother; so was my father. treating her like an ignorant child. As i learned about dementia, i was able to communicate with my mother and we developed a fantastic relationship. I also made significant changes in the home. My father was very pleased but he also had to be helped to change his communication skills and he was stubborn and very difficult. My brothers would talk to me on the phone and remind me of how I was such a relief by keeping them from having to worry or do anything. after about 3 or 4 years, things had changed. My brothers had almost completely stopped answering my phone calls and helping me in any way. I also found that every one else has dissappeared from my moms life unless i brought her to them. I began keeping a visitation list from the beginning thinking I would need to keep track of those who did help but the record was now totally blank. I became frustrated, not angry realizing that people has their lives and my mother was to difficult to deal with, plus she did not appear to know anything was happening around her. I knew different, she knew almost everything about what was happening around her and to her but was totally unable to logically organize her ability to communicate her feelings. She coped I thing by over doing her smiles at others and hugging making them so glad they brighentened her day. But eventually no one came by. My brothers only, not their families, would stop by for minutes only and only speak briefly with momma. they would spend time talking with our father in another location away from mamma. I just could not under stand why they had become this way to someone who requires their presence only; its the only thing she can manage, showing her love to everyone. I developed riding music that she loves and they just would not use it. I thought they were jealous of me because I had done so much to make her happy all the time. That was my goal; she was to be content, happy, and comfortable all day. I stopped all the confusion and frustration, even hitting someone if they were trying to force her to do something, like go to the bathroom. My dad is obsessed with uncleanness like wet diapers or bed. He has been the most difficult to stop old habits and expectations. My daughter has helped me so much by being available to talk on the phone and listen to me. She recommended that I stop expecting anything from anyone else even my brothers. I did and things were going great; i never had anyone offer me or mamma any thing for a whole year. Then mamma fell and broke her hip. I was devastated because she could not understand what was happening to her; why was she hurting, who and why were these strangers doing things to her, and then trying to recover. she never walked again after that. I hurt my back trying to help her in a rehab hospital and my life has ended since then. more later

You hurt your back trying to lift your mom...A caretaker I know,said his client slipped and fell. Caretaker said, I am not lifting him. He is too big. I cannot risk my health because he slipped out of chair. The paramedics took him to the hospital, about a week ago.. Found other things wrong with him...

Do they have Caretaking Classes anywhere? how to move a 200 pound person properly? How to manuever them from one side of bed to the other, or move them from one seat to another? I learned how to walk an elder person in case they go down, and you can prevent that from happening at times.

Since my mothers hip surgery two years ago, i have slowly become obsessed with keeping my mother happy. She will not walk anymore even though I know she can. I know that I did let my feelings know to my brothers and every one else in town by posting my feelings on FaceBook. there were so many people who enjoyed reading what mamma was doing. I reallyaimed my post toward my brothers not realizing how hurtful it would be to thier lives. I am Sorry i did it. What i found out was that they had been pretending to be helping me and learning about mamma while coping with the dementia to their mother; all lies, they have done nothing for thier mother at all. I insinuated that hardly any one has spent more than 15 minutes per year with her. I had been suffering with debilitating pain from my back since her hip break and not even the doctors believed i was really in so much pain. I fell into an almost 6 month episode of depression and my normal symptoms has changed to anger, frustration, impatience, and hopelessness. I think something significant happened and I don't even know what i did that caused so many things to go wrong in my life. I could not show weakness because my brothers wanted to find something to get me out of the house; one day they wanted me gone, the next they threatened to put my mother in a nursing home if I could not care for her properly. They were remaining angry at me and I didn't know why until just recently. My father has been speaking such bad things about me; he believed that my symptoms of pain were exaggerated accusing me of laying around in my room and doing nothing. The were saying I was on drugs. lazy, and no good for mamma or daddy. No one helped me or came to check on mamma and daddy even if i could have been neglecting them; why? and I was afraid to ask. I finally found a surgeon who told me that I needed major surgery on my back. the recovery is taking some time, its been 3.5 months and i am gettiing back to myself. But everything around me is so messed up.