By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Have you talked to your wife about the issues you have? Your home and marriage issues should be hers as well. What has she told you?
Is she too afraid to talk to her father about the problems he's causing? Sometimes, it is better if you talk to FIL man to man.
First of all, he should be contributing to the costs of food and utilities, at the very least. Is he?
Second, it sounds to me he is almost bedridden if he spends 23 hours a day in bed. He should have someone come to give him a wash (in bed or in the tub) a couple of times a week. Check with his doctor.
Tell your wife you want to find long term solutions that will work for everyone, not just FIL who has turned your home into a stinky nursing home. You matter, your wife matters, and your marriage matters.
You need to get him evaluated, Office of aging can help you here. If they feel Dementia is involved then a Neurologist for a formal diagnosis. If no Dementia, then a place of his own. HUD has apartments based on income. Once you know what his needs are, then u tell your wife he is pasted the few weeks. You want your home back.
I am really surprised your wife puts up with this. Me, I would not have put up with the smell. Boundaries should have been set when he moved in. Your wife was not obligated to move him in, she did him a favor. You may have to be the bad guy here and talk to him man to man and explain this is your home too and if he stays there will be rules he needs to follow. If he does not want to, he can find himself a place to live.
Even if he prefers remaining in bed, that's not an option. He should be sitting in a chair and engaging life. You said he takes a car ride, so he's capable of getting up. Get him up every day. Make sure someone is coming in to bathe him if he's unable to at this point after lying down all day. It's like you're going to have to "undo" the past two years that he's been in your house just remaining idle.
...and then, maybe you and your wife can look into other living options for him that provide proper care, depending on his financial situation. But having him in bed at your house for 23 hours a day is not a benefit to him.
You can't stay compelled to be quiet all the time with an elephant of THIS size in the room! Be The Bad Guy now and have a Come To Jesus meeting with your wife so you can both get on the same page. FIL has overstayed his welcome and your wife knows it.
Best of luck to you.
This is not a healthy marriage by any stretch of the imagination.
You are being taken advantage of, you agreed to months, not years.
Time to stand up and be counted, obviously your wife does not have her priorities aligned properly.
You do understand this can go on for years and years, trust me, my mother is 98, in AL, certainly not living with me.
Sending support your way.
Why did he move in with you?
What help does your wife give him?
If he is fully cognizant and your wife does not help him with ADL's (activities of daily living) why is he living with you?
I am not one to give or suggest ultimatums I think this is a situation where one is called for.
Give your wife a "Move out date" example "Move out date is September 1."
Either her dad moves out or you do.
The hard part about this is...you have to follow through, are you prepared to do that? (the follow through is the difficult part about ultimatums)
I think this is more a marital problem issue than an elder care problem.
As to the elder needing more heat, that is called normal. They lose the body fat mass to help keep them warm and they are less active. Good start points are long underwear and they make it cozy and light weight in our times. A knit cap keeps the heat in really well. And a discussion of costs if Dad can still participate in such discussions.
Now on to the real issue. I think that you and your wife need a good calm sit down talk weekly about what is working and what isn't working in all of this, and as you said, some limits. It must work for BOTH in a marriage or it isn't working, and placement is necessary or a divorce is in the future (in likelihood).
I sure do wish you the best. If you can't talk together about this, then perhaps marital counseling is an option before your wife has to be forced in choice of Dad or hubby.