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You'll lose more of your marbles and it sounds like you've lost enough already.
You need to reset; stop and consider what you are doing - and why.
I believe I've responded to you in a prior missive.
You need to realize that you are a mature adult and need to make responsible adult decisions that are in the best interest of both you (firstly) and your mother. How you are handling the situation is not healthy for either of you.
Get her out of your home.
You need the separation.
If she/you cannot financially do that, you must get a care provider or someone to move in to care for her. However, you need to do your own inner work first.
It starts now. Stop being a doormat. Stop killing yourself (with stressors - which do kill). If she wants to sit there, let her. Hire someone else to clean her up.
You need to remove yourself from the situation - learn how to set boundaries. You do not have any boundaries for your own self-care.
You accept what is by doing different behaviors.
If you do not know what to do, get feedback (friends, church, networks) or therapy.
This may sound harsh to you. I feel for you beating yourself up and behaving as you seem to feel you HAVE TO. You do not have to. You cannot continue on like this. I want you to keep your remaining marbles.
Gena
I suggest that you see about a temporary, respite care for her while you give yourself a chance to adapt to the new reality. Then concentrate on dealing with that. My guess is that if a room can be found for her in the facility where her husband resides, that might be a good option. She does need more care than you can give her.
Then begin retraining yourself to befriend and give some company to the new woman your mother has become. She will never again be that energetic younger woman. Plan on nice little visits with her in which you do not stay too long so that you will not tire her or vex yourself. The bright spots you will look for in your visits will be moments when she smiles and really engages in conversations or can talk about memories shared. These will be quiet little times, but you can make your mother's last months or years pleasant ones by simply showing up and caring enough to bring a little something or talk about whatever small thing is occupying her mind when you come to visit. It is the next stage in her life. You can't prevent that, you can only help her ease into it and remember her as she goes through it.
I am sorry your mother is aging, and losing some of the aspects that defined her prime years, but it happens to all of us who live long enough. Good luck with your journey through your mother's aging process. Keep your love and compassion, also learn from it as you will probably make a similar journey in 20 or 30 years. We all do.
The hero cna
In our movie recognized she was in pain that why she would refuse to transfer. Doc and daughters didn't recognize and she couldn't communicate her pain.... our hero cna recognized and demanded doc prescribed something for pain..
Then the elderly woman would transfer..
Boring movies except for us dealing with this.
If u can get movie-watch it.
Spoiler.. she was able to remain in her house until she passed with home health care .. not solo with family alone.
Its just trial and error, over and over again.. imo... Does it hurt her to move?
Caregivers are necessary in situations like this. If it were not for the ones I have for my mom, she would have had to move out already.
I would suggest trying to start with any support group you may be able to find for caregivers. They are few and far between so I am assuming may not be found. In that case I would get a few sessions with a private practice licensed social worker who does counseling. They know the skivvy on this subject and are the best at life transitions choices.
You may not be able to do 24/7 care. The frustration may be too much. We can rage and cry and mourn that, but that won't change the truth. I was an RN, but I knew I could never do that work without long breaks.
My heart goes out to you. I hope you find something that helps. Meanwhile, a little bickering? The word is "sorry; I am so tired. I am afraid I lost my temper. I love you. I apologize". And on you go. It's called being human. Don't beat yourself up when life is perfectly willing to take on that job itself.
The situation you describe will NOT get better. It will get worse.
She will need more and more supervision.
When mom says she has to go to the bathroom YOU have to get her up and get her to the bathroom AND you have to supervise her.
with dementia when she says something it may have taken her 30 to 60 seconds to process in her mind what to say after she realizes she has to go to the bathroom. Once she gets to the bathroom she may not recall everything she needs to to to accomplish the "goal"
It might be best if you have a schedule. Set an alarm for every 2 hours. Get her up, get her to the bathroom. This will get her moving a bit, helping to prevent pressure sores. And it keeps her more active.
If this is not something that you think you can handle for the next 2, 5, 10 years you might want to consider Memory Care for mom.
Dementia is frustrating not just for you but for mom.
Is there a senior citizen group close by? Is there a library close by that needs a reader for children story time? Does the nursing home, where her husband is, have an activity time where she can join for the hour?
Prayers for you and yours
If you want, have a glass of wine for yourself at night. We are all going to pass one day.
I agree with those who say it is time for her to join your father in the Nursing home or go into assisted living or memory care. Not having to take care of all her issues yourself will allow you to begin getting back to a positive relationship.
I think we all have probably gotten to the fussing care giver situation, even if temporarily at some time or another. You are not a bad child, you are someone who cares enough to want their mother to stay as healthy as she can. Accepting that the changes in her are not going to improve is very hard.
I wish you luck and I hope you can get back to having your own life very soon!
”Her husband is in the nursing home, so I need to consider residential care for her too”. (I fixed it for you).
She can live for many more years. Are you going to continue being her fulltime caregiver?
You found her outside at midnight? So how can you get a good night's sleep? Sleep is very important. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.
She needs to be in Memory Care. Do you have POA/HCPOA?
One reason I could not care for my Mom was because her Dementia was so unpredictable. I need order. I was also 65 at the time. Eventually I was able to place her in an AL where she adapted well.
There is something called "Showtiming" when it comes with Dementia. They seem "normal" for like a doctor but they crash later. This is probably what happened to ur mother with the wedding.
Even in the early stages those suffering from Dementia have short-term memory loss, cannot be reasoned with, show no empathy and it takes longer to process what is being said.
If your Mom is not in pull ups she needs to be. You may want to take her to the bathroom every 2 hrs. Don't ask if she needs to go, just take her. If she says she needs to go you help her up and take her.
Dementia causes depression. In the early stage those suffering from it know something is wrong. Your Mom has been thru changes. Her husband is now in a NH and she is no longer in her own home. Those suffering from Dementia do not do well with change. It may even cause further decline. Some people on the forum call it a broken brain, I call it a dying brain. As it effects each part of the brain, that part eventually dies. IMO they become like small children.
Dementia is unpredictable. There are good days, there are bad. One day she can make that sandwich with no problem, the next she does know what a knife is. As time goes on you will need to do more and more for her. There will come a time when you can't leave her in the bathroom alone. You will be cleaning her up.
Its really hard to except that there are things Mom can't do anymore, that you can't get her to understand that you are trying to do what is best for her. Her brain just does not process correctly anymore. Its all over the place. If she is happy sitting in front of the TV, let her. If you can get her out of the house, take a walk around the block. If you can't deal with this, then place her in a nice AL or in the NH with her husband.
The OP's profile says she lives in Arizona. The wedding was in Las Vegas, Nevada and that is a different state. I don't think the OP and her mother were gone for an hour or two where here mother could showtime. They were likely gone for at least a day or two.
Yet, the mother managed to use a restroom when she needed to go. A toilet unfamiliar surroundings in a place totally foreign to her. The minute she gets home she pees on the floor. No, I'm sorry but that is deliberate and could be for any reason. She's depressed to be home. She wants attention, all kinds of reasons but it's unacceptable. I've had many clients and even my own mother who wouldn't use the regular flushing toilet. Not because they were incapable of handling it but because they'd rather go in their pants or the portable commode because it meant someone has to clean it up and they enjoyed having someone to clean it up.
I have on many occassions over the years given a person a towel and told them to clean it up because I refused to. It always resulted in the client using the bathroom after that.
If a person can get to the table just fine for meals and so just fine traveling, then they can get to a toilet.
If a person uses the toilet and is not peeing and crapping themselves when certain people are around, that's not incontinence and it should never be tolerated.
Finally my Mom had enough, next time Dad couldn't make it to the bathroom on time, she handed him the rug cleaner and brush. Dad decided it was in his best interest to start wearing Depends.
As for your Mom not doing things, think about it, the love of her life isn't living with her, he's in a nursing home. That can be so emotionally draining on a person, thus they pretty much quit doing things. Her friends have probably either moved away or have passed on. She can no longer hop in a car and drive to the mall to have lunch with them, or where ever.
As for the lack of using the bathroom, buy Depends type garments, they some that look just like panties. Remove all of her regular panties from her dresser and just place the Depends.
Everything you're saying about her man being in the nursing home and the not seeing her friends because they are probably moved or passed away is probably true.
The OP says her mother has waves of doing better then goes in reverse. She was not going to the toilet on the furniture in Vegas when she was taken to the wedding. She had a good time and was perfectly capable of using the bathroom, and did. The minute she gets home the peeing all over the place started back up. That sounds an awful like the mother has control of herself. The OP also states that with her mother it's "like she does not think for herself". I know behavior all too well because my mother who does not have dementia has been engaging in it her entire life.
These people want to be babied. They want to behave abusively and be obeyed by their adult children, but they want their adult children to baby them and do everything for them. They don't want to do anything for themselves or on their own.
Oh. H*LL NO. Never baby a person because when families start playing this game with a senior it strips away whatever independence they still have very quickly. Then they really do become babies again. I know this may sound harsh to some, but even people with dementia have to be forced to do for themselves where they are still able. Even if it is something as small as combing their own hair or feeding themselves. Any level of independence must me maintained as long as possible.
Today is when you tell her plainly. If she is incontinent and going in her pants because she can't get up to use the toilet, you will not continue living in such a situation and will not help her anymore. Either she gets her act together or she can join her husband in the nursing home. Then do it if you have to.
I know this sounds harsh, but sometimes a good measure of tough love is exactly what a person needs. She also needs some socialization. What's available in your area? Is there a senior center? An adult day care center? If there is then she starts going two days a week as a condition for the two of you to stay together.
If you don't have these things, then get her a paid companion and insist that the companion take her out of the house twice a week. To a movie, out for lunch, to do some shopping. Anywhere but she has to leave the house. Force this on her. If you have to be mean and harsh about it, then do it because it's for her own good.
Believe me, you will see a big change in her when she gets past the refusal of your demands and will actually enjoy getting out and doing things.
You stop tolerating her abusive neediness and start playing that nursing home threat card every single day. If she wants to be stubborn and fight you on it, send her to respite care in a nursing home for a few days and that should do it.
Your story really resonates with me because my own mother is like yours. She has some health issues but is still capable. She is abusive and always has been and really hates me now. I remind her that I worked in elder care for 25 years so I know every trick, game, and behavior. I also know that no one ever benefits from being babied by another person be it their family or their caregiver.
Stop babying her right now. She gets up and uses the bathroom, or you stop being her caregiver.