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I am in my 60's, retired early because I was overseeing my Mom's needs.
Our family was close, but since my Mother's death a couple of years ago, my relationship with my two siblings is almost non-existent. I keep trying to reach out to them. One sibling and his wife have an attitude that they don't want to bother with anyone else's issues. The other sibling is handling his life, but now spends most of his time with his son who has stopped working.


I am single, no children, no close relatives anymore, and no close friends. I've tried joining groups, but every time there is an event, I back out. I have no interest in much these days. I've thought about getting part time work, but haven't tried hard enough. I've been shut up in my home the last year due to Covid. I basically sit in my recliner, watch TV or surf the net, and take naps all day. That's the extent of my life.


The past few years I have ALWAYS been the one to initiate getting together with relatives or friends. I can't take much more of this. I don't know what else I can do.

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I've experienced some of the things you describe, on/off. First, minus clinical depression, I'll say if you don't commit to changing your circumstances, they will remain the same.

You still may wind up now and then feeling the way you do now--life ebbs and flows, as you know--but if you don't learn how to step out of this funk, it could lead to depression/further depression, anxiety, etc.

If you feel it's mild depression and don't want to figure out how to pull yourself out, see a doctor. The pills might make you feel better, but then I think you'll find yourself taking them with no end in sight b/c you didn't discover tools to try and help lift yourself.

I find personal ways to alter how I feel (and I'm largely an introvert), and usually I'm pleased with the results, while a friend of mine visits her doctor for a script. We're all different. You might need a boost to get your engine runnin'.

Do what you will but do something. Every day. One little thing that needs to be done but you haven't done (sense of accomplishment can often lift our spirits) or something you'd like to do but haven't.

I believe with all my heart, and this is how I try to live, that we help ourselves best when we are helping others....so....what about volunteer work? There can be as little commitment as you want, generally, but it gets you out, you interact, you help others, maybe build a friendship or little group that goes out for brunch and bloody Mary's.

If you've had pets before, maybe adopt an older, calmer animal. One you know you can care for, know how to care for, and can afford. I don't need to be around people but I can't live without animals. (In 62 years, I've only lived five days of my entire life since I was born that I didn't have my lovely beasts.)

Lots of love and light....Big hugs, too.
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Get a job. People make fun of Walmart greeters but they're out there every day saying hello to people and interacting. You don't have to do that but you can get out, make money and have a more active life and maybe even make a few friends.
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Good Evening,

Stella's got to get her groove back...

I don't want to sound corny but the whole world is yours. Look at the situation with the Ukrainians how their through no fault of their own has been uprooted. The men must stay behind and fight, the elderly too frail to leave and start anew and the women and children must board a train and leave their life behind.

I am not writing this to make you feel look how others have it. The Pandemic was rough on everyone. The good news is things are starting to gradually blossom again.

It's a tough situation, don't kid yourself, caregiving but you know you need to make a change. Go in your closet start cleaning out everything you don't want in your dwelling and list it on "The Buy Nothing Project". You can join through Facebook and it's by zip codes. Basically you're donating to a neighbor. You can give (donate), ask etc. No $$$ or bartering is expected. You are helping others in your town and meeting new people.

The best thing I ever did in my life was go to Church. I know more people, get invited more places and a lot of my jobs have come through other parishioners.
When I go into the market I meet people and know their names from Church.

The online computer stuff is not enough...you need people. Sounds like you need a vacation. What about your neighbors. When you go to the market bring them back a few tomatoes. Easter is coming buy a pot of tulips and give them to a neighbor.

A good pair of sneakers t-shirt and sweats and put one foot in front of the other. You will have more energy, feel better about life and meet the neighbors. Drinks lots of water. I'm a big fan of the Y for exercise, indoor pool, socialization NOT the computer. You need a group to go for coffee with. Not a million people but just a handful so if you are missing in action they check up on you.

You need a new normal. A new routine. Maybe a new hairstyle. I don't know what town you live in but check SalonApprentice.com (need hair models, some are no charge).

This is Lent lots of Church activities, Easter festivities. You don't have to join a million things but something that you like to do. Have you tried MEETUP in your area, there is everything but I recommend keep it simple, close to home.

It's probably best if you go "out" to work as opposed to working online. How about a hostess, a flower shop for Easter and Mother's Day. Find your neighborhood flower shop and ask them if they need help for Easter, Commencement and Mother's Day, Wedding Season will soon be upon us.

Have faith sister...the Lord provides. The fact that you're reaching out you are ready for change. Why not go blonde!!! And get a nice Wet 'N Wild Cherry Pickering #965 lipstick! You go Girl!

Hope this helped.
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Oh, my, you sound just like me, except my mom is still with me at 100 (Yea!). I am also in my sixties with a distance family, and have had to put friendships and relationships aside as I care for mom. My advice: Take an online course that requires online interaction with other students, learn a new skill such as music, drawing, etc., where you can interact with other people who are learning the same thing, join a good church where you can become involved.
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I’m a widow. I am used to a whole house full of people - his children and grandchildren. I still see them some. My son and my grands live 1500 miles away. Due to Covid my PT teaching job was discontinued. I volunteer playing the piano at the NH two times a week. I volunteer with the town making phone calls to total shut-ins. I have vision problems and can’t drive at night. I’m on dialysis. It’s all kind of lonely. But I fill my time with limited reading, watching TV some and playing with my cat. I go outside everyday for a long walk. It’s not perfect, but I try not to dwell on things.
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Help someone. Your local schools need paraprofessionals that will help a child. No degree necessary. Schools are a great place to connect with people.
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I would distance yourself from these siblings who seem a hindrance than a help to you in your family. It's very easy to say for them to make excuses about not wanting to be involved in someone's issues. Can you by any chance hire in home help or put this person you care for into assisted living? Going to church might help if you're able to meet people you know. You can join a group that does a relaxing activity that you would like, or just go to the park or see a movie.
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Volunteer! It is a great feeling to help others and so many opportunities for volunteering these days. It will help your self esteem. Sounds like you are very depressed so a trip to your doctor is a must.
You will need to help yourself now that you have spent years helping your Mom!
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I feel worn out and alone often. I have a spouse but he isn't enough to fulfill me and I would never put that kind of pressure on him. As many have said on here. It's up to the individual. Maybe we expect too much out of life sometimes. It can't always be exciting. I would settle for tolerable at this point. Sigh.....
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I believe there are MANY here on these boards who are feeling the same way, which Covid exacerbated, especially if there wasn't a good foundation going into it. Me too - no children, no family or relatives, and absolutely and totally wore out and exhauster physically, mentally and spiritually from taking care of a parent who passed away. I know that it takes our bodies and emotional health time to rest and recover - there is no 'set' time to do this - it might take longer for some than others. And if that foundation isn't there, one feels very alone and unsupported.

We know, deep down, what we 'should' do ... but doing what 'needs' to be done can be challenging when one feels this way - unenergized, lacking focus, uninterested, depressed. Hey, there are days when even taking just a shower can be a major accomplishment! It is easy to slide into and stay in that state of existence you are speaking of. But finally, after nearly 7 decades, I know for a fact I cannot look at other people to help me move forward-it has to come from me, deep within me. And taking that first step - maybe it will be the only step right now-is a start. Since the depression is so deep within,making an appt with your reg doc for a rx to help your depression would be a start (all it takes is making a phone call and going to the appt.-that's it right now). Doesn't mean you stay on the rx forever, but it will give you the kickstart you may need right now. Once the outlook is more positive, then you can take the next step, and then the next. But take that first step.
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I'm really sorry for what you've gone through and are going through. You sound like a good, kind person who's been deeply hurt. It also sounds like, understandably, you may be a little depressed. You have a lot to process. It may be really helpful to get out in the sun and go for walks, if you are able. It might even be helpful to journal, if that's not too overwhelming. If the despair you feel is too paralyzing to allow for that, it may be helpful to talk to a professional or talk to God. You showed real strength reaching out to this group. I feel that same strength will enable you to get the help you need, and deserve. I was a caregiver, too, until my mom passed away in April and I am sending you prayers and good vibes.
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Sorry you are having a tough time.

If your family are being jerks, blow them off. You don't need their negativity towards you. Don't put up with crap from them just because they're "family". So what?

Then what? Force yourself out of the house. Get in the sun. Start going for walks. No matter what your physical condition is, you can walk a little and add a little to it every day until you're actually taking a decent walk. Drive to different starting points if you need more variety.

Get up off that couch and get out to do something. Anything. Even if you don't feel like it. You obviously aren't really enjoying this place you're stuck in, so do something about it.

As mentioned, you could be suffering from depression. You might need meds and/or therapy. I'd pursue those options too. It might be short term to get you back on track.

Sometimes we all feel like we are the only reaching out to make plans. Sometimes it's true. Seems like many people are horrible at making plans. If you enjoy someone's company, then don't keep score of who contacted who last and just reach out and make plans. Invite a friend to walk or go to lunch with you. If you have to be the one, so be it. Just do it.

Maybe take some kind of a group class. Yoga? Tai chi? Even if you think you won't like it, could always give it a try and see what happens.

I'd look into volunteering somewhere which could be more interesting and flexible than a job. But if you want some extra cash, get a job. There are so many businesses that can't find enough employees these days, I bet you could find something pretty quickly.

Do something nice for yourself. Buy a new outfit. Get your haircut. Hire a cleaning lady. Or something else that you will appreciate and will make you feel good.

Time to move on and take some steps to improve your life!
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Cover66 Jun 2021
As disappointing as it is, it's not wrong with the OP's family's decision. That's they're choice and their allowed to have it. The OP now knows how they feel, and can either hope that they may change their mind, or move on.
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The 5 stages of Grief are
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
and Acceptance
Not necessarily in that order - either.
You , and your family, may have been going through grief before Mom’s passing. Then afterward also. I noticed what l call depression when my mother moved to assisted living. It got worse moving her into a nursing home. I know anxiety well.
l knew counseling could help me change the way l think. That’s what l wanted. Tools. She called it situational depression. Can’t change the situation. Can change how l think about it. Started with a one hour block outside. Walk and water - for me. Her idea .
Be kind to yourself. You have been through a lot. I hope the next chapter of your life will bring Joy .
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Wow. Feel for you. Wish you were here and MY sibling as I am similarly in my 60's and approaching retirement within months. Never thought I would be, thought I would continue until maybe 67, but heck, I am exhausted. In fact could retire in weeks but would not get as much monthly as I would holding out till Dec.

Maybe when you consider these events, the reality is you are happier doing what you're doing and enjoying your own company more than what you expect you will encounter. ANd it's possibly quite true! Some of us are just not groupie types. No shame in that.

Maybe you might want to consider some volunteering? Maybe you might want to adopt a pup?
Wishing you peace and comfort and that you were here:-)
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You're in a rut. It takes some energy to make yourself change your current daily routine. Go back to one of your groups, sign up for the planned outing and make yourself go - maybe it will help to get over that hump. You are probably depressed because of the current situation you find yourself in. Perhaps talking with a counselor would help you identify some things that would help get you back on track. The longer you sit in the recliner, the harder it will be to move (mentally and physically).

You are important. You did an important and invaluable service as a caregiver. Maybe your body needed a rest for a while, but you have to find something to give you joy in life again while you can enjoy life. Go outside and take a walk - pull some weeds in the flowerbed - anything to break the current routine.
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me too, i had to make sure i wasnt the author and forgot lol Sounds like you are a people person w no quality people. Same here and family is the worst, you got ostriches i call them (to myself) that bury their head in the sand at the first hint of trouble and the talkers who dont walk the walk etc What do YOU like to do? think of what made you happy in the younger years or a new thing. Photography? Outdoors? You will probably have to improvise since we arent Spring Chickens now! lol I liked bicycles but have no balance for example, due to a wet stroke SAH So i got a recumbent trike basically ride slow and take pics. Trying and learning something new is good for stagnant brain- it grows new paths for nurons to grow on. Google Senior Center w your town or County, also the YMCA's, you just need a lil spark I bet, tc hope you find some activities and caring people, ditch the undesirables, they arent worth your frienship!
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Cover66 Jun 2021
True, they've already ditched the OP
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I may not know the death of a parent but my dad has dementia and is living with me and I fully understand the no life thing even before he moved in with me I feel so young to be this old if you know what I mean. I just hope you will find whatever it is you need and are looking for. I try to take time with neighbors that seems to help some and I’ve never been a get to know my neighbor kind of person
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gdaughter Jun 2021
Just had to say that while I know/knew our neighbors, they were absolutely wonderful and we have become closer in the past year...NOT covid related...but they knew my parents, and that I was their caregiver of sorts as dad is quite independent even deaf and 104....but when it all took its toll and I was hospitalized then in rehab after major surgery, the neighbors were the ones who were my blessing, not the friends I thought I had so much. One neighbor had a relative with a connection to a senior meal service, and so was passing on some frozen meals for dad to make; and when I came home, with limited energy/strength, the other neighbors, bless them gave me a gift certificate for a food delivery service that was just a godsend for me as I could order for all of us when I couldn't stand up for very long. Neighbors can be a treasure we don't realize we have:-) So glad for ours.
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What about starting with one day a few hours of volunteer work? It will get you out of the house & get your mind off yourself…& the “Woe is me” feeling. Inertia is real & even a walk of 20-30 minutes can help! Don’t worry about siblings who don’t care about you. Don’t waste time on them. I hope you can get yourself going….perhaps a therapist will help too? We can all use one as a result of being burnt out from caregiving. Let us know how you are. Hugs 🤗
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The first steps are the hardest. Try some day trips just to get out and sight see. Get used to getting out of the house. Once a week then twice a week etc. hen in a month or two, make yourself go to a group or sign up for an evening class at a community collage.
Your health will decline if you don't get out or find a purpose.
You have "retired" from care giving but you can't retire from life.
Honor yourself and do some things for yourself.
Think about your childhood and teen and young adult years- did you have a hobby or interest you could start again.
Sitting around is depression or leads to it. It is very hard to change routine but you have to make yourself and it will get easier the longer you do.
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Sounds like you're suffering from Depression. Your remaining family has let you know they don't want to be "bothered" with you (you're not alone, no pun, in this regard). Many people use death as a way to "close the door" to staying in touch.

You have to love yourself. If you can do that, then you're going to see how happy you can be.

Good luck.
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I wish I could answer this for you but I am in the exact same boat you are andvit sucks. If you find an answer please let me know
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ronaldkratz Jun 2021
me too! geez this boats getting full lol Prayers you find comfort and happiness, tc
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This has been the toughest year for everyone. You sound like you are very depressed. Please reach out to a healthcare provider. In the meantime please back away from the recliner and t.v! It is DEATH to the soul. Yes everyone likes t.v. and I love to binge from time to time but I also work F/T, have quite a few close friends even though family relations have really fallen apart in the last 2 years. Long story but it's very depressing not to have the support of your family. Seek counseling - maybe go to church? I'm also single with no kids so I feel you! I sometimes just go into stores or to the park just to see another human being! I'm an introvert but sometimes being alone too much is very depressing.

I try and stay healthy, cook, go for long walks, swimming. Find what you like to do - what are your hobbies? And then take steps to embrace that! God Bless and caretaking takes a toll. Even after the parent no longer needs our care the lingering guilt, i.e....did I do enough - should I have done more? Those thoughts can haunt. Try not to ruminate....Good luck to you!
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Go to church...there are groups and even if you don't join right away people will see you say hi...you may meet someone...go to 2 churches...even..go to smaller stores..talk with people briefly, the park district has senior classes..join list serv on the computer that you can chat on....senior activities...take up a hobby--go to the garden centers at places and talk with the people about plant care...go to a small cafe a few times...good luck...be positive and do the best with your health..you don't need meds..the public library---keep covid safe too...the relatives...we have the same thing and it's sad...we took care of our parents..and for those saying it's a burden...missed dad yesterday, everyday same w/mom and visited their graves yesterday and often...shame on them. Believe in God, don't use substances and get into good shape and pray. There are also many online masses to look at --makes you feel good believe me. We like cooking too. Good luck.
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Caregiving can be draining and depressing.When you were taking care of you're mom, you may have lost yourself.  Add a year of covid isolation to it and you've got a lot of folks on "E".  You sound depressed.  I think you need a purpose that is for "you", not for anyone else.  Counseling is an option...so are antidepressants, but I would try a left instead of a right and see if you can't pull yourself out of it first.  Make a list of things that you have never done and set goals for yourself to do them.  We are not talking about anything difficult or way out there.  Start with baby steps.  I'm just going to pull something randomly out of the air like....have you ever walked a mile?  I mean a measured mile.  Drive a neighborhood route with your car to see how far that is and pick a morning to walk it.  I don't know what kind of shape you're in and maybe that is too short or too long.....adjust accordingly.  Once you have mastered that, increase it until you get to 5.  Have you ever put a puzzle together?  Pick a beautiful landscape of a place you would want to go and work on the puzzle until you complete it.  They can even be framed once completed.  Have you ever made a four layer cake from scratch, fully decorated?  Pick things that are fun and will take your full attention to do.  At the end of these little tasks you will know you can really do anything you set your mind to, you'll have a feeling of accomplishment and you will have something to talk about when you are with others.  My last suggestion is to get a little dog that needs rescued that can give you unconditional love.  Maybe he can join you on your morning walks.  Once you start feeling a little better you might want to try the job search again.  You will interview better if you're in a better frame of mind.
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I think everyone's mental health is suffering just now. The situation is to blame but we often end up criticising ourselves.
Firstly take small steps to improve things and congratulate yourself on doing that.
Maybe join a new group locally. Volunteering is good and not so focused on social skills which might be rusty. Task orientated is less pressure to start with!
Maybe get a dog or a cat? Dog walking opened a whole new world to me after retiring. Covid has stopped some of that group stuff but I have faith it will re establish in time.
Good luck!
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Your story sounds like mine….
single. No kids. Early retired last year. Lost my mom (and several close friends) last year after a decade of caring for mom alone.

I’m now Bored from the covid shut downs and being inside and not working. I Was also the person who always got friends together before I became a caregiver.

what has started to help me -
- taking short walks to get outside. - - found out my vitamin d was low. Have doc check yours.
Experiencing A few leg aches from not exercising as much but pushing thru. so start slowly.

started zoom cooking with long distance friends for virtual dinners. And find funny things to watch on tv Laughter is healing.

I also started going to outside places like the zoo or botanical gardens and Have just started inviting others to join me.
I plan to start volunteering and will consider part time work when covid gets better.
meditation is also great for your moods. The free “Insight timer “ app has wonderful “live” group meditations that help you connect with positive people around the world daily.

best of luck. You are not alone.
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FarFarAway Aug 2021
You sound fun. I love the idea of zoom cooking!
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Get out into the sunshine. Be purposeful to attend to yourself…like you’re doing for your mom. Do anything you enjoyed before this journey began.
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It’s tough to be alone at this age and the quarantine from COVID has not helped. I find that I sometimes force myself to do something even if I don’t want to! Do you have a dog? My dog helps me so much when I get lonely cause he still needs my care! Just getting out and walking is so helpful too!
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You are way too young to be in a recliner! Your mom would not like it at all. Sounds like you need to be around people....go get that part time job or work in a store where you will always see new people...make friends go shopping at the stores.
You can only count on you and I gotta feeling you are pretty great.
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Marja0214 Jun 2021
Forget the part-time job. Volunteer. Believe in GOD.
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Doing things for others enhances both their lives and yours.
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