I am 50. My dad is 75 and my mom is 74. They’ve been married for 53 years. They are in free-fall. They are in denial. My dad had surgery five years ago for un-ruptured brain aneurysm. His mental health has slowly declined. He is brilliant. No memory issues. It all behavioral and cognitive. He has an incessant need to be helped and seeks attention. He can be verbally abusive. He will not listen, still drives—he will not give Power of Attorney. My mother has not ever accepted reality of any of this. She continually says there is nothing she can do. She still tries to follow his lead. She expects us to cater to him. My younger brother, by four years, will help but he is completely detached. He says he will not allow them to make him miserable. He comes when asked for real needs. He calls maybe two or three times a week. My mom is going blind. She is drinking at night… too excessively. She has transplanted corneas from having multiple surgeries but is going blind from glaucoma and steroid use. My dad is oblivious to it mostly. She wants to behave like things always were. Neither of them will listen nor do what we ask. My dad is abusive emotionally but she says it the illness. They both refuse outside help. They pay people to do things as they completely disavow how we try to help. Both of them want us to cater to them for whatever they ask but they don’t want it to seem like they need us. My mom gets mad and lashes out when I am direct about what’s happening around them. My dad shouldn’t be driving—she should be proactive. We are currently not speaking because she became angry at me for calling her out for being too demanding, ungrateful and expecting us to cater to our dad—no matter what he does. He goes off on social media—talks at us through social media. I’m married for 27 years with a 24, 21 and 16. My brother is married. Both our spouses and my children have told me all I can do is step back—don’t go out my way. I never thought we’d be here. The holidays are coming and things are so stressed between us all, I don’t know what to do. They want us to be a family but they don’t want to address or talk about anything. They just want to move forward without any accountability for their behavior. They expect one-sided behavior. They just pay other people to help them because they don’t want to deal with the issues. They feel we don’t want to be there for them. But, other people don’t see how they behave which makes us look like we don’t care. It’s become a horrible cycle. It’s painful. I refuse to be a doormat. My brother’s ex-wife moved his children away. He says he can’t emotionally take on our parents when they don’t listen. My mom is in complete denial, worn to an emotional mess dealing with my dad every day. As long as he gets his way—he is pretty calm… hence dealing with people who don’t know and paying people. But the minute he doesn’t? Bitter, nasty and rude. My mom doesn’t want to be told that she needs to pursue help with medical intervention of meds. He doesn’t listen to her at all. They are very well-known for being very upstanding, but I can’t stand who they’ve become and how they’ve lost themselves in this aging process. They can control the behavior with everyone, even our spouses, but not with us.
The problems here are that a) they won’t do what you want and b) they want you to do more than you want to do. My suggestion would be to stop doing what they want, and put on the back burner your own attempts to change them. They will complain and bad mouth you about your ‘failures’, but they can and are hiring outside help. You can complain and bad mouth them, but you will reduce your problems if you stop trying to change them.
Go away with your spouse and children for the holidays . OR tell your parents you are going away and stay home .
I think you need a break from this drama .
Your parents can call 911 in an emergency . You don’t have POA. That’s on them . Nothing you can do right now . Detach , it will eventually implode.
We are in a similar situation , with my stubborn mother -in law with probable undiagnosed dementia . We’ve been telling her for years that she will become a ward of the state because she refused to assign POA .
Now she thinks she’s fine , and she has no awareness of her cognitive and physical deficits . She has had MANY falls . We are waiting for the big one that the ER doesn’t send her back home again .
(Cry cry cry!) Your mom: I CANT BELIEVE YOU'D DO THIS TO ME! HOW DARE YOU! YOU'RE BREAKING OUR HEARTS! (CRY CRY CRY.)
Be as hardhearted as you have to be. The truth is that family holidays become more and more stressful for everyone, and you deserve to enjoy your own holiday the way you want, not the way mom and dad want.
Happy holidays! Send them a postcard.
The OP here says his mom has had corneal transplant OR and multiple eye surgery already. I think she is likely now soon to be blind.
By helping them you are enabling them to live in a fantasy world where "everything is ok"
Set boundaries.
Help when it is absolutely necessary. And on your schedule not theirs. (Follow your brothers lead on this.)
If they can pay people to do things for them they can continue to do so if you are not "available".
Will something happen that will force them to make a change....probably yes.
When that happens you tell any health care worker, Social Worker that they are not safe at home and that you and family members are not available to step in 24/7.
In the mean time you and your brother may want to tour some Assisted Living facilities so that you can make suggestions when that time comes.
By the way if you are verbally abused...LEAVE.
If he is ever physical you call 911.
If you ever see or hear him being abusive to your mom you can call 911. Most likely she will not press charges though.
When parents exhibit any level of this with adult children, it is a manipulation to have their desires carried out at the cost of others. Your first step in helping yourself is to realize this and change your perspective of your relationship with them. Know that their perspective of what is “normal” relationships is not the same as yours. Narcissists can only view things through their own selfish perspective. And, if there is dementia evolving, all the more important to start nowl
Next, you need to comes to terms with your own emotions regarding that they only want you when they “need” you, and they want your “help” only on their terms:
“We are currently not speaking because she became angry at me for calling her out for being too demanding, ungrateful and expecting us to cater to our dad—no matter what he does.”
You are stressing about the holidays because YOU want to enjoy them and have a normal holiday. But you will only kill yourself trying to make it happen, so do not; they will not appreciated it fully anyway at this point. Please move forward to what is most important NOW before they age to the next level … it will only get worse.
I agree with Geaton777 regarding your brother, and setting boundaries NOW is key to any hope of advancing in a healthier direction, and may help you avoid having to get APS involve in the future.
Lastly, I too had to learn to stop being the solution and that I am not responsible for my parents’ happiness, and, to step back and use discretion regarding help with their wellbeing (thus, no longer FIxIT Phyl ;)
Visit this forum often, it will help you on your journey. Sending you peace of mind!
To so many-their Work, or Youth is/was Everything, particularly in AM. society.
Too bad there's no mention of any Interests or Hobbies that the elderly look forward to maintaining into the years that often end up filled with just boredom, loneliness, finally, depression and anger.
There's so much people can do and at any age ! Some hobbies used to overflow from Childhood into Adulthood and beyond and can be adapted to each level of "ability" or "expertise".
Some hobbies can be selected for an ability to "take it with you" , and afford more Quality time , no matter where one is, but, particularly in long waiting periods in DR.s Offices, but also on into wherever one may end up living. The tapestry , needlework, or knitting hobbies are very applicable to various situations and help keep not only patients, but care person's calm, and instill patience. Even men have taken up with sewing and knitting !
There are often "tasks " involved with many hobbies, that , in cases such as partial blindness, the Mom could assist , with winding yarn or threads.
Dementia patients have played a part in HT projects, over drying & processing harvested produce from a garden.
BTW-I knew an elderly relative of in laws who was totally blind and still practiced the art of Lacework , and created beautiful pieces!
People should start ASAP , and are never too Young , which is when so many of the skills can first be learned. Creating beautiful things , even if housebound or in ASL leads to an inspiring , quality lifestyle for everyone -but particularly adds meaning to those who believe their lives are without purpose and that they are useless to everyone.
People who do Not take up with something in their "Golden Years" may not care to do that, but should expect any visitors to also become less interested in spending much time with them anymore. (Often an Aide will "force" the patients to attend workshops, but they are often so glad they did .)
Like many of us, you are waiting for “The Big Event” that will land one or both in the hospital where you can use the “unsafe discharge” route to get them in a home.
Anything you do in this situation is enabling it.
Is this a cultural issue at all? This sounds like perhaps an immigrant community just from hearing the expectations of your mother for your father (as in "none") and of your parents expectations of you and your brother (as in "everything").
I think it is time for you and brother to get together and set what your boundaries are, understanding that the more you do the more you will enable this. Then I think that you should meet with the parents (just you and not your spouses) and tell Mom and Dad what you are willing to do. For instance
1. "Brother will call every a.m. to check on you and I will call every evening to check. These will be short calls; we are calling to check in on you only".
2. Here is the number for 911 emergency. Call it if you have an emergency that is health related and need to go to the hospital.
3. We will be stepping back from care from now on; we feel you are no longer safe at home alone and that our helping you overmuch is enabling you to think that you can stay home.
There isn't a lot you can do here.
Your parents will die. That is the one certainty. Or become disabled. You will get "the call" and have to make decisions as next of kin. These two are NOT cooperative. Trust me, you don't WANT POA here. That would be a nightmare with uncooperative and argumentative parents.
I agree absolutely. I would not throw my own life, now your kids are raised, on the burning funeral pyre of your parents. As I always say, it is a slow burn, and very painful and you deserve your own life.
Your parents are choosing to die on their own terms. Allow them to do so. See to it, when it comes to it, that you do not sign to prolong things. There is only pain, loss and suffering ahead.
Not everything has an answer and not everything can be fixed and your limitations, yours and your bros, are for YOU to decide with your wives, regardless of what it means for your parents.
I second that this not continue to enable the folk's bad choices.
You say your Father refuses to assign a PoA...does your Mother have a PoA?
Often "extreme stubbornness" is an early behavior of dementia. So is being illogical, irrational, angry, negative, childish and with a broken filter (if they weren't like this earlier in life, or they were and now it is ramping up).
My SFIL had Parkinsons. At 6'4" he kept falling at home and in public and calling us expecting us to drive to him (20 miles) or in the middle of the night (we had 3 young sons and a business to run) thinking we'd drop everything to go help him. My MIL at the same time was rapidly losing her short-term memory. One time while in rehab after a fall, we were able to convince my MIL to assign 2 of her sons as PoA (while having a family meeting and with rehab staff attending).
But SFIL... was a total jerk all his life. His 2 sons were estranged from him. He was a ne're do well (mostly unemployed by choice), broke, in debt, and had borrowed money from literally everyone to live on (even took out a 2nd mortgage against their crappy little home against everyone's advice... in the early 2000s). Guess what? It ballooned. I went over there with downloaded PoA paperwork for him to read and hopefully sign. I informed him that the PoA didn't need to be us, but anyone he chose. I also informed him of the B side: no PoA and his worsening Parkinsons and no money for care meant he would eventually become a ward of a court-appointed 3rd party guardian. He wouldn't sign the paperwork so he eventually got Side B. We all stepped back to allow him to fail and APS and county social services got him into a facility and he received the care he needed.
Your brother has the correct idea: boundaries. You keep ramming yourself into the brick wall with your parents. You will give yourself a TBI. You are not their PoA so you have no real power. Talking to them has not worked. You say they are paying for services: great! What's wrong with that? That's our plan, too. We don't want our children orbiting around us when those things can be outsourced. It will all eventually burn you out.
You can choose to do what I did and go over there with downloaded PoA paperwork. You can calmly explain to them that you are willing to be their PoA to help them manage their medical and financial affairs. You can tell them you have a PoA yourself (hopefully this is true). Then you tell them what happens to elders who wait too long (they become too incapacitated to legally assign a PoA) or just refuse. Then *strangers* will be making *all* decisions for them. You can leave the paperwork there and tell them you'll check back the next day and you'll help them finalize it.
Then you tell them the boundary you will have if they don't plan for their future: you will not be willing to orbit around them, battling them. Instead you will be calling in APS and they will be on the road to having a court-assigned guardian. But never make a threat you aren't willing and able to carry out.
This is where you say, "It is what it is." They are full-grown adults who had their entire lives to plan, especially your "brilliant" Father (You see that brilliance isn't the same as wisdom? I'd rather be wise than have a high IQ).
You aren't responsible for your parents' happiness. You can't force care onto them. You should protect yourself and family from the drain and burnout that will ensue if you keep ramming yourself into the wall.
Stop being their solution only when they want you to. You need to step back and stay back.
I wish you wisdom, clarity, courage, strength and peace in your heart on this journey.