By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Any sort of caregiving problems need to be and need to remain your mother's. She is free certainly to write us with her questions.
I am thrilled to hear that you plan a move, and that it is a move out of the area in which you live. I hope that it is some distance. I hope that you make it clear now to your mother and her mother that this is your plan, and you will not alter it. I think it would be very good if you start NOW not to engage more, but to pull back more.
Your mother wishes you to stay with her and help her. That is not good mothering. It is sadly the act of someone desperate and burdening her own child in a very unhealthy manner.
Continue to pursue your dreams. Your grandmother has had her life. She should be in care so that your mother, with her own mother in care and you grown, can have quality years some of the most FREE years of her life. If she does not take that chance then these years will be wasted. That's sadly the truth. But that is NOT your problem.
I would be gently and lovingly clear with your mother that you intend now to follow your dreams and live your life. I would make it clear you hope that she will as well.
I wish you nothing but the best. Do give your mom this site for caregiving questions she may have.
If grandma doesn't have money then she'll have to apply for Medicaid, and then she can get placed in the appropriate facility where she belongs as you nor your mom need to be caring for her at all.
Any child that was abused in any way from a parent should NEVER take on the care of that parent, and it breaks my heart how many times folks on this forum are doing just that. It's just wrong.
You are very young and deserve to have your life however you want it, and your mom deserves to have hers too, so get grandma on Medicaid and get her placed sooner than later.
My son and grandson lived in their own separate area of my mom's house when they needed a new place to live, partly because none of us wanted Mom to be alone, ever. We thought is was a good exchange of needs. Son and grandson did not do caregiving. I was her primary caregiver and I hired other caregivers to be there when I couldn't be. At one point my son decided he'd like to be her primary caregiver, with the help of other caregivers, so he was paid to do this job. He lasted 4 months and said it was too hard and got a different job. He was great at taking care of his grandma, but it was hard work and lonely work for him. That was absolutely fine with me, as it was not his place. I chose to take care of my mom and I'm glad I did, though it was very difficult. A huge difference between OP's mom and me is that there wasn't any abuse. We were not a perfect family, but actual abuse, never. And it seems from the question asked that the abuse continues with unreasonable demands and is actually passed on in a way to this young person by way of making them feel obligated to stay where they do not wish to stay. The question really not be how make it easier for the mom, but how to tell the mom that they are not doing this any longer. Period. And certainly not paying for the grandmother to be bathed. Grandma needs to go into care with medicaid money. This situation is what medicaid is for.
"I'm already paying for someone to come bathe my grandmother three or four times a week".
Your well meant actions are propping up a house of cards. Remove the money for aides, the aides stop, your Mother cannot do it alone = Grandmother gets cared for by others (NH).
Many people find themselves in this situation. You are young, can write well & explain what's going on so I have every faith you will turn this around so that your dreams are not suffocated by other people's choices.
PS change the term *selfish to *self-protective*.
You can expect a lot of terror and acting out, but she will adapt. That isn't your responsibility. One cannot be manipulated by the actions of others. You must continue to advocate for yourself.
Suggest to Mom that she gets grandma on Medicaid and in a facility asap .
Then move and live your life , no matter if grandma is still home or not . Don’t delay or wait too long to move . The sooner the better.
Best of luck to you.
you aren’t obligated. It’s possible to get some home care help through Medicaid - an elder care lawyer could help your mom with that. You might also share this forum with her for her own sake.
Enjoy the next phase of your life. Follow your dreams. Go in peace - you’ve done more than can be fairly expected already.
Id suggest, be loving and patient with your mom, but be firm and strong and break the cycle.
You deserve a life!
With that being said you sound like a loving caring daughter.
Mom should place her mom also so mom can have a life, I'm your moms age and she also deserves to have a life. I know my back would never handle the stress of lifting my mom over and over.
Thinking of you, please keep us updated on how things are going
Hopefully the above article will have your Mom make other choices for your grandmother. Glad to see that you will be leaving. I always cringe whenever I read that a grandchild is caring for a grandparent. The grandparent had a chance to get married and raise a family and/or had a career, that chance should also be given to the grandchild.
See All Answers