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I do not know whose house you live in.
In so far as work goes do remind them that your mother has mental deficits, and they should try to remain kind to her, but hang up as soon as they are able.
My suggestion is that if you live in her house you move out, and if she lives in your own you evict her.
Give her the numbers for APS so she can access any services she may require from city, county or state.
Tell her the date you will be leaving, or she will.
And on you go, making a life and family of your own.
Your staying entrapped and enmeshed by your mother as a grownup is a choice, not a requisite. Don't allow it to continue. If you need therapy to find a way forward do seek it out and I don't mean the online trash.
Best of luck out to you.
Is she really only in her 50s?
Dont even bother telling her you’re leaving, just move and call her once you’ve moved to tell her your not coming back.
Ummm, absolutely not. 100% no. Make her get up and do that stuff herself.
You HAVE to work and put into your social security and savings account and IRA so that you can have money for YOUR golden years.
Please find a trauma therapist and work on untwisting your enmeshment, your enabling of her and finding your boundaries.
A lot of this is your fault and only you can get yourself out of it.
Take the out of state job and move. Golda’s mom lived to 109…. Do you want that?
you MUST get 8 hours of quality uninterrupted sleep before you get fired.
What then is likely to happen is that APS will *eventually* see she is not capable of living on her own (just saying it may not happen right away so be patient and do not step in to help or rescue -- this is why you block her calls). She will be enraged and dis you to whoever will listen on all social outlets. No matter. Expect it and ignore it.
If/when APS contacts you, you make sure to tell them over and over that you cannot, for financial and mental health reasons, continue to provide her care. You will not be returning to the home. You are not her PoA. You are 100% burnt out and need to move on with your life.
Eventually your Mom will get a court-assigned legal guardian who will most likely transition her into a LTC facility (whether Mom likes it or not). The guardian will then take over managing all her care decisions and her other affairs (financial, etc.). So, if you currently have any money co-mingled with hers I would get it out asap because the minute guardianship happens you will be locked out of her house and accounts. The house will likely get sold to be part of Medicaid Recovery to pay for her care. Sneak all your possessions out before you contact APS.
You would be able to visit her in her facility home whenever you wished. You will be free from the unsustainable burden of her care at such a young age. I wish you all the best as you do some hard things, but then it will get better. FYI you've been doing hard things all along. Now when you do some hard things there will be relief in sight.
The next time she is having a cognitive episode you call 911 and tell them you think she’s having a stroke . They will take her to the ER . Then refuse to take her home . You say it’s an “ unsafe discharge ,”, that you can not take care of her . They will find placement in a nursing home .
You could try APS as well .
I’m curious , did the social worker you mentioned offer to place Mom so you can get your life back?
Send her to the hospital and then don’t take her home with the words
“unsafe discharge”
If she is only mid-50s, and you are guessing about what is really wrong with her, you are being set up for decades of servitude. Don’t fall for it! If you leave, she is unlikely to die of neglect. The state will step in.
Yours, Margaret
It’s her rented condominium. I pay the expenses out of my pocket. There are no other family members. I could move away. I have a job waiting for me several states away, however I am reluctant to do so because she is so young and there are not many resources available.
Also, “we” represents the therapist I hired to help me through this time. It is impossible to get her evaluated because she more than likely will not do the testing, or if she does, intentionally sabotage it.