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So he is an alcoholic and you are his enabler.
Yes to Al Anon meetings for you.
If he has been drinking for a long time, he may be in danger of having Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome, which is a type of dementia that alcoholics can get. If caught early enough it can be treated (because it comes from a vitamin deficiency created by the alcoholism).
You will need to figure out healthy boundaries with him before you completely burn out. Are you his PoA? Does he have one? If not, he should be encouraged to do this. If he doesn't he is a candidate to become a ward of a court-assigned legal guardian. Then you won't have to deal with him anymore. But this takes time and you could burn out beforehand. You need to make some hard decisions that won't sit well with the family who "adores" him -- but they're not the ones who are orbiting around this bum at the cost of their own health and happiness.
I took my husband in to see an OT just yesterday and it was extremely helpful. Included was a mini-cognitive test plus a lot of physical tests for vision, strength, flexibility, dexterity, etc. There was even a simple test of his ability to recognize dangerous situations in the home. We left with a handful of resource materials, a lot of insight about his condition and the recommendation that our next step is a full neuro-psych evaluation for diagnosis. This last one is something that not long ago my husband may have refused, but the skilled OT made our appointment so pleasant and interesting I don’t anticipate any push-back.
Sounds like he's not doing himself any favors. Yeah try the counselling route, however after what you've said he's not the type to listen to anyone, not surprised you're losing it after trying so much and doing so much.
Why are doing this to yourself? Give him an ultimatum and start living a better life for yourself.
You're doing caregiving for him before its really needed, sounds like running around after a stubborn person, than caregiving. Caregiving is where at least in some part the other person knows they're being cared for or in the case of severe dementia don't know, but they initially knew the care given to them, your situation is not this.
His stubbornness and maybe other issues is not even allowing him to see you're helping him. Tell him assertively to snap out of it and start helping himself and he continues not listening start doing your own things, living your own life more and let him do his own things then he'll need to get out of the chair and to make his own meals, etc Seems to have no problems when getting his beer from the fridge and chugging it down.
Some professional therapy and/or counseling for you.
Can you get a week vacation on your own? Or at least several days?
Can you get to some AlAnon meetings? They really helped me.
Why in the world does he REFUSE to wash his hands? Seems very bizarre to me. Most people realize the importance of this simple little thing. Can you use baby wipes and/or sanitizer on his hands? Disinfect all surfaces that he does come in contact with to keep the rest of you safe.
I would get some in home help or consider both of you moving to a 2 BR assisted living apartment.
Best of luck.
My suggestion is that you tell the twelve more honestly what this is like for you. Even if you think they don’t ‘adore’ YOU, they surely must have some concerns about what reality is like for you now – if they are honestly informed. Tell them that posters here have suggested that you consider an aged care facility for him. If you were "actually surprised at the suggestion", it will shock their socks off. Ask them how THEY can work on him behaving more sensibly. If you can, get the lot of them together to discuss it.
If I were you, I wouldn't remain passive with him and his ways. Yea, he made a mistake not to go directly into a skilled rehab after his surgery - that could have helped immensely. Can you ask his doctor if there is any chance for him to still be admitted? A rehab really helps - they would be encouraging your husband and working towards his recovery and walking, etc.
If that's not feasible, then you can also speak to his doctor about getting in-home physical therapy weekly - the therapist can come to your home - it's done all the time. At least that's a start. Your husband should be doing the proper exercises to strengthen his body. And the drinking beer all day, watching TV all day - and not even getting out of the chair - yikes - how long has that been going on for? No wonder you feel like his caregiver!
If I were you, I would be very tough on him - I couldn't handle his drinking beer all day and expecting you to be serving him. The drinking needs to go - he has an empty stomach and still drinking and taking antibiotics - he's not taking care of himself - not even his hygiene. That's too much for you to handle - he needs to step up, take ownership of his life, take responsibility - and take measures to improve his health and his life. Is he capable of doing so? If not - and he remains as is, he's setting himself up to fail and pulling you down with him.
I hope things change for you and positive steps happen. Wishing you all the very best ~
I am going to look into several suggestions that I’ve gotten here and try my best to unburden myself as much as possible. I have never waited on him. I prepare food and he gets his own but my workload is pretty heavy.
He needs a cognitive evaluation asap. Then you'll know what you're dealing with and why he's so stubborn. You'll become more and more of a caregiver as time goes on, too, so being surprised at suggestions you're given (After asking for them) isn't a good idea. Be open minded and keep reading the forum. If hubby is diagnosed with dementia, you'll need to formulate a plan to bring in help for yourself. Even if he isn't, you still need help because he's not paying attention to hygiene and helping you around the house.
We all love our loved ones.....but we need to recognize and acknowledge issues they have, like alcoholism for instance, which is a BIG cause of dementia and cognitive impairment, so we're not enabling such behavior anymore.
Wishing you the best of luck getting to the root of these issues with DH.
At 72 he is not going to change.
What you can do for yourself though is this
Next time he has to go to the hospital talk to a Social Worker and tell them it is getting difficult for you to care for your husband at home. He is NON COMPLIANT and he needs rehab to gain strength.
You could also talk to the wound care nurse as well. Maybe he would do better in rehab.
What you can do at home...
Do not bring him a drink, a snack, a meal.
If he wants any of those he can get up and get them himself.
If he wants the paper, he can get it.
If he wants the mail, he can get it.
Ya see where I'm going here?
As for helping. Bring him laundry to fold.
After dinner if he refuses to do the dishes then maybe next time you do the dishes, he makes dinner and if he does not make dinner then you can fix something for yourself and he can fix something for himself.
I guess I am trying to say stop making it so easy on him to not do anything.
Oh, if he listens to your daughter more then you maybe she can tell him that you are getting burned out and you are going to end up needing more care than he does and where will that put both of you...
Please also don't make this your children's problem. They have their young families to raise. Figure out what's best in your situation.
Wishing you the good luck as you navigate this sad situation. It isn't easy.
Agree that our children don’t need this dumped on them while raising their families. I already worry that they are too involved as it is.
Thank you. You helped.
The next time any issue arises with your husband you call 911 and have him taken to the ER. Once there you let them know in no uncertain terms that your husband can no longer return home as he is an unsafe discharge, and you can no longer care for him. Period. End of sentence.
They will of course lie to you and offer you all the things they can do to help you but PLEASE don't fall for it.
Instead, stand your ground and let them know that he CANNOT return home, and they will have to find the appropriate facility to place him in.
And if money is an issue Medicaid can be applied for.
Your husband belongs in a nursing facility now, as his care is WAY too much for you, so don't be afraid to call 911 sooner than later.