By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Try family helps family *within reasonable limits*.
Reasonable limits must be in place to protect against abuse of good will, free time & free labour. Without damage to wellbeing, without damage financially, within ability + scope of training.
Caregiving is a freely given GIFT, or resentment will build.
I would ask your Husband to really look hard at his request.
Some conversation points in case he is stuck;
#1. Why YOU?
Why is he wanting YOU to provide this care? Why not hire an aide, a wound care nurse, other home help?
#2. Team player.
He wants you to be a team player...? It appears he is acting as Team Captain & ordering what position you play.
Separate people.
A Wife's hands are not an extention of a Husband's body.
The Good Son.
Many fall into this line of thinking. I must be & appear to be 'The Good Son' & somehow they add on 'by providing the care myself' then add again 'spouse will do the dirty work.
See if any of that gets him thinking. If not..
No. That's it. No excuses. Just NO.
If I stooped to ranting, it may go like this..
Get over yourself man. Stop being such a Solo Hero & get a proper care team for your folks. Starting with a wound care nurse for that bedsore.
You may want to start a separate bank account at another bank. I have a feeling that you may need it in the future.
You ‘still’ love him, but the ‘still’ shows that it’s becoming more a thing of the past. Make it clear that you are not going to live with his parents. Perhaps call APS to visit his parents, to see if their current care (including for the bedsore) is adequate. Don’t get sucked into propping up his and their delusions of independence. Think about what is in your best interests NOW – perhaps a nice holiday for 20 days! Perhaps you visiting H on his OS posting would be a good way for you both to get closer. Getting a part-time job yourself could be a good move, if only to say that you can't move away. Find ways to put yourself first. At present you are seen as having lots of 'free time' for other people to make demands on. Until you focus more on yourself, you won’t see what’s really happening to your life, or what will work best in YOUR interests rather than theirs.
Tell DH that your are not trained to do this kind of care. His father needs to be placed where professionals can care for him. At least bring Hospice in. They will send a nurse to care for that bedsore. My daughter is a woundcare nurse and that sore needs to be looked after by a professional or an infection will set in and then sepsis.
I would find a job to protect yourself.
I'd consider getting a job. It will give you a reason not to care for FIL and also get you some extra cash and if your marriage does not work it will be an income stream for you.
Your husband is choosing to put his career, and parents before you and your marriage, and that my dear should be as concerning to you as it is to me.
I am sorry that your husband doesn't put you or your marriage first, and I can only guess that he probably never has and that you have tolerated it for far too long and now it's finally coming to a head.
So....it's only you that can decide what if any changes need to be made to improve your situation. And yes, that may include separating and even divorcing.
Hopefully your husband would be open to some marriage counseling before it had to come to that, but if not, you now must do what you feel is best to keep from being used and abused from your husband and his family.
You deserve better....don't forget that. And you are stronger than you know, and will be just fine if you have to start over and reclaim the one life you have to live.
God bless you.
You will also want a job in case this marriage falls apart .
This is not a team . It’s a family who have put you in servitude .
Your husband also said you “ should contribute to his difficult situation “. This is not his situation . It’s his parents situation where other options need to be considered that do not include you .
That you refer to his parents' house as "his house" rather than the one you live in is very telling. If 30 days out of the month you are not together, what sort of marriage can you possibly have? For myself, this would be a deal-breaker.
It may be time to consider that each of you wants more than the other can give and end this relationship so you can both find someone else more in tune with your individual needs.
You are an adult. Your life decisions are yours to make.
You have some choices to make.
I myself would have long ago been gone, alone with 1/2 the assets of the marriage. But you may wish, rather, to stay as you are.
Remember, nothing here will change. Certainly not your hubby. He's perfectly happy and why wouldn't he be?
So it's "the ball in your court" as we say in tennis.
I leave you to your decisions and wish you the very best of luck.
See All Answers