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My husband wets his pants and refuses to change clothes. He says things like "they're almost dry now" even though the pants are soaked. He sits on the bed and on upholstered furniture in the wet pants. If I try to get him to put on dry clothes he gets very load and angry.

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Poor dear. I assume he has dementia -- right?

First I'd put a mattress protector pad on the the upholstered furniture he is likely to sit on. (And several on the bed, too, even on top of the spread once the bed is made.)

Try not to argue with him. "Yes, I can see that they are drying. But they still smell bad. You deserve to look dignified and smell nice, and I don't mind washing clothes often. Let's get you cleaned up and smelling fresh!"

Does he not wear disposable undies? Do they leak? How often does he wet his pants? For now, solve the immediate problem with wet proof furniture pads and gentle coaxing. But ultimately the issue is that if he is incontinent he needs to use incontinence supplies. Why isn't that happening now?
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They sell waterproof pants here (Germany) that are very much like the training pants we used to use on toddlers, which look like undies, but have padding in them. Maybe you can get some of those, and replace all his underwear with these waterproof ones?
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Yes here too in UK and I know they sell them in US. Time to look into getting some and also you need to know that they do work as lonmg as you get the right size. Now dont laugh but I tried them because my mum didnt believe me - I emptied my entire bladder into them and they didnt leak. Its just a question of getting the right size and the right capacity - if in doubt you could always supplement them with an additional pad as they can be quite expensive and we do that most of the time. In the last year no leaks at all
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Ah Jude, you made me laugh!! That is so funny, and thank you for the smile!
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I had that problem with my husband too, He wore an Attends but when it got wet he wouldn't change it, he would say the same thing. It is almost dry now. And he would be so stubborn. He sould even hang his clothes to dry in the bathroom so he could put the same thing back on the next day. I think what finally changed his mind is his 3 adult children who would tell him in a nice way and later in a not so nice way that he smelled bad. Even his 2 young grandchildren started saying PawPaw you smell like p. He has always taken such pride in hiis appearrance and was never so stubborn as thisl He changes morning and night now. Sometimes he needs to change more but if it is just me here he refuses but if one of the kids come in he will if they ask him too.
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Cleaning up wetness isn't an issue for Mom (96 with dementia) because she thinks of all fluids as water -- urine, snot, the liquid from a package of meat, you name it. All her life she was obsessively sanitary with her person and the house and now the whole concept escapes her awareness. Good luck with your air-dry loved one.
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That was a problem with my father . Mt brother asked me to please make sure he had clean sweatpants when he was to go over his house. So I am thinking, yeah, right. He was stubborn and could get nasty. So, I washed about 5 pair and always kept them on hand. Before that, he washed his clothes. But then I realized he wasn't doing it so much anymore. And when he was going out, I would say in a very cheery voice, "Dad! Here are some clean pants. Maybe you could wear them, the ones you have on are dirty." And he did. I could tell by the look on his face he couldn't understand why he had to change, but he did. I was surprised. My mom wasn't there, if she had asked him he would have done it no problem, but he didn't listen much to me. He started to though more and more, he got tired I think and someone else making the decisions was just easier for him.
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I have that problem last year, I don't know why pointing out the problem seems to worsen my husband behavior like refusing to change clothes or cleaning up. I just went ahead and remind him it's time to take a shower so he'll be Making sure all the clean clothes are ready and bag dirty clothes for the laundry so he cant see it. At night I usually sneak in to change his clothes he had hung in a hanger and leave things the way he likes it. Helping him change clothes or his daily routine seems to help alleviate his anxiety. Focus the positive things he do for himself in the past and with reassurance that you are there to assist is a good feeling especially when they are forgetful.
Also if he takes water pill (diuretic) incontinence brief may be helpful.
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My mom was wearing depends (small) and we switched to always incontinence underwear Large. now no problem, thankfully, she will change them if we ask. She will sit there soaked, all day if nothing is said.
She has a UTI (just recently diagnosed) and is taking meds. All I have to say is, you have an infection and need to be kept dry and clean.
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a friend had a problem with his dad bathing on a regular basis. Then he hired a home health care worker who was a no-nonsense woman. When she came she was able to get his dad to bathe change clothes and talk to him about keeping nice and dry and smelling good. I don't know why he did it for her but not my friend but ultimatelyit worked. And my friend said it was well worth the money.
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we had a good home care worker for my dad as well who could get dad to take a bath and change his clothes but at least at first the main thing that would get him to do it for her was her telling him she could lose her job (which not entirely true but could lose him and possibly if she couldn't do what she was supposed to for anybody) if he wouldn't for her, so for her sake he would do it but not for his
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Come on people! You are now the Alpha dog who is in charge. Pay attention to the cycle your now 3-year-old is on and adjust changing accordingly. Nothing to drink after 6:00 PM also helps. If the under garments are soaked, more frequent changes are needed.
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No, osmiii, it is not an Alpha Dog thing! Are you going to wrestle to the ground an old man of 91 who gets angry and says he does not smell, is NOT GOING TO CHANGE HIS CLOTHES, OR GIVE YOU HIS CAR KEYS, etc.? Are you going to haul him to his feet out of his stinky recliner, and shuck his pants off? Dementia and old age change people, and we need to find ways to help each other cope with their care. We were good caregivers and tried everything with my dad, then finally fooled him into a memory care center by couching it as physical and dietary therapy. He passed away about 3 months later. When we went to find clothes to bury Dad in, we found his good suit pants hanging up dry but stinky with urine. Luckily they were an awesome machine washable pair, and they were washed before delivering to the funeral home. This is a place for helpful advice, not disdain.
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Get him pads, or briefs designed for incontinent males.
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My husband doesn't usually give me a hard time when I ask him to change his clothes. But, like many others I have read, he will sit in wet and dirty diapers all day unless I ask him to change. I use adult diapers for him and usually change him twice a day. I make his bed in layers....plastic sheet, pad, sheets, then another layer...plastic sheet, pad, sheets. I make the bed 4 times, that way when he wakes up in the middle of the night and he's wet, all I have to do is change him and strip the top layer off his bed, add a dry blanket and put him back. The smell is hard. I try to buy him only cotton clothes, they don't hold on to the smell like nylon or other man made fabrics. I buy him cotton sheets at the thrift store and everything except his very dark clothes, gets bleached. It's the only way to get the smell out sometimes.
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The more I look at this the more I think of an alternative midway solution - you can get some absorbent washable pants not sure what they are called but just a sec and I will google them for you: they sell them on amazon - good old amazon HealthDri Men's Heavy Incontinence Washable Cotton Underwear Brief - not cheap but perhaps better than what you are going through right now - they dont hold anywhere near as much as incontinence pullups do but they may well be a good transitional step for you
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I've had the same problem with my husband. He wets his pants and doesn't even seem to mind! Walks around with them wet. I have asked him, isn't that uncomfortable. I bought him depends, but he doesn't wear them! He also hangs his pants up to dry and will wear them again. I also sneak into his room and get the dirty clothes and wash them. He also gets angry when I mention his smell. Don't understand that at all. And to beat it all, I don't think he has dementia... at least I don't notice it.
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If you have trouble getting urine smells out of clothes and it can be damned difficult and the smell can be quite vile on made made fibres for sure then let me give you some ideas I have tried some with great success some less so
1 Check with doc - I know there are some meds suitable but they may also have an incontinence nurse who could help you stop the future problem
2 Establish a routine whereby he goes and sits on the toilet every hour or so depending on his needs agaion wont sort the past but will help in the future
3 I have a bucket heavily laced with zoflora into which I drop all soiled clothing (i do clean faecal matter slightly differently - will explain at the end
4 In future you have 2 choices cheap cheerful and throw away or cotton - all cotton which you can steep in disinfectant without too much damage and boil which will kill all the bacteria
5. I have used vinegar sometimes it clears the smell sometimes not - I found you need quite a lot and you need to leave it for quite some time
6. White vinegar works best in COLD water soak overnight then wash with washing soda - probably works best but the soaking does make the area smell like a fish and chip shop (Im a Brit remember..... we have these)
6 I have heard borax works well but never used it
7 Washing soda works relatively well

The best method for really bad smelling clothes you simply cant get clean is to throw them away I am afraid

Right faecal matter - I know this may gross some of you out but it is a trick I learned when Ihad babies with towelling diapers. I hang the said item into the loo and then flush it the flushing momentum seems to take the worst of it away (might need several flushes if extraordinarily bad. then I soak in something like washing soda which has a water softener in it or milton which is a mild bleach - always cold water or you will increase the smell tenfold (or at least it seems like you do (I use a lidded bucket to prevent odor release into the soaking area) I leave it overnight then sluice the worst of in the toilet again then wash it in washing soda and use about a cup in your language of vinegar in the rinse - seems to do the trick

If night time is bad and it has been from time to time then I agree with a previous writer use disposable draw sheets they are easy to use and stop all smells from developing - the main thing is you have to get those clothes off quickly - the longer they stay on the worse the smell gets and as to that little problem (Little who am I kidding) the only way is to get him on that toilet and just pull them off him if you can and if he will let you do that safely - if not then seek advice hun because you have to sort it sooner rather than later for your own sanity
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Oh just as an afterhtought it is quite common for people in later life to devlop anosmia - the lessening or absence of the ability to smell - that also impacts on their desire for food and the taste of it because smell and taste are interlinked - just for the record that is
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Osmiii, what TekkaMae said. I'm trying to picture myself informing my mother that she is in "time out" and won't be allowed outside to play or to watch tv or any of a number of things that would entice a toddler, but is irrelevant to a 94 year old with dementia. A small child is learning and growing. My mother is forgetting and shrinking (and in spite of that she is STILL a control freak).

You are right about having to take charge and make adjustments, but that does not mean eliminating struggle with the recalcitrant one, whether a 3 year old or 94 year old, and in either case each day can bring new challenges that need to be handled differently. In either case, we learn as we go along and we seek advice from others in similar situations.

Not trying to chase you away from here, just a reminder to be more gentle with those who are already on the edge with our thankless caregiving tasks and the only relief in sight being our loved one's eventual demise.

P.S. About that "grow a pair" quote: a pair of what, breasts? Most of us in caregiving are women and we already have a pair of those, thank you very much!
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I don't have time to read all the answers right now, as I'm at work - but I will, and I LOVE this issue - it's one where I really need to listen and learn from others - thanks for bringing it up. The nursing home was going to put my brother into waterproof pants but I said no, exactly because I know he will then refuse to change or delay, and i assume he will have diaper rash or sores before any time at all. He did go to the MD for a checkup and the doctor did prescribe him a pill for a prostate issue which apparently has lessened the problem (and given him a more acceptable excuse for having such an embarrassing problem).

Look forward to reading ideas later!
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JudeAH, I remember a device that was being marketed (here in the states anyway) until disposable diapers became the norm. It attached to the toilet and held the diaper in the toilet while you flushed the soil away. I didn't have one of those and I don't know anyone who did, but it sounds like it would come in handy for elder caregivers!
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Dejavuagain - love the name by the way it does feel that every day sometimes. I just use disposable gloves and hold them in the flush - made a grave mistake last week when I forgot I had put a brand new blue sanitizer in the toilet - she now has blue sheets instead of white ones and I cannot get the stuff out so next time they may have to have a bleach soak! Idiot that I am
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Jude no one is an idiot here!
My husband is incontinent after a prostatectomy but does take care of his own sanitation. He uses the grey epends that look exactly like regular underwear. i would sugest to others with difficult male loved ones to remove all regular underwear from their drawers and replace with piles of Depends out of the packet so they have no choice. getting them to change them is another issue. I think it is a control issue as everyone gets olds. so many things they are not able to control and resent a child or spouse telling them what to do. how many times have we heard and angry voice say "Don't tell ME what to do" Even if it was a gentle reminder, oh "And don't use that tone of voice with me" of course there is another problem because some old men actually are ready to take that shower when the aide arrives and produce as we say with a stallion their fifth leg Some aides get all upset and file a complaint but the experienced ones just turn on the cold water. With horses a touch of the whip does the trick
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Lol Veronica re the whip or indeed the cold water. I hear dont tell me what to do a lot usually when I stop her from trying to put her ear bud into the plug socket - now have those little faux plugs so she cant and boy is she mad about them. Today I have taken out of the fridge the clean socks I brought downstairs, her purse, her hairbrush and her comb and when I said Mum please dont put this sort of stuff in the fridge sweety what did she say....this is my house and I will do as I like... I cant wait for you to die you ungrateful child. Hell I dont need trolls attacking me my mum can still do that well
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Get him disposable underwear, they make them to look like the real thing. Place protectors on furniture where he usually sits. I had someone tell me they were caring for someone who was incontinent, he didn't like changing clothes. Because he was in the army, she would tell him the 'general' is coming today so he had to look his best. It worked, he would shower and change clothes. It's can be very difficult to manage this issue, many people with dementia are resistant to bathing an changing clothes. If one thing doesn't work, try something else, don't give up. Contact the Alzheimer's Association, they can give you practical tips on managing these behaviors. Good luck.
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Te bed pads are a great idea. One trick if you don't want to buy the washable one is to use disposable pads. Some times they are cheaper in the adult section, some times the baby section, some times the wee wee pads for dogs (just don't let them see the package, lol)

We put two mattress toppers on my grans bed that way is she has any sort of a mess I can quickly pull the whole set off and slap a fresh set of sheets on. We keep extra blankets and comforter as well.

I think they still make those god awful plastic chair covers. We use an old one my gran had for her couch. And you can get couch covers that have a plastic backing (again sold for dogs) helps keep the smell down. Best of luck!
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My daughter, RN, says Medicare pays for Depends. May want to check it out. My husband had to wear the mens pull ups after a procedure he had. They look like reg underwear. Father may not see a difference.
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My husband too would wear urine soaked pants for days! He also wore depends, but wouldnt change the diaper out right away. When i would ask himbto change he would become nasty and viscous. He had one of those pads from the hospital, but he would soak thru that too. In my case, i had to back off and say nothing, bc his aggitation Would turn into violent behaviour. But i understand. Its horrible to watch sone one who you loved go from caring about how they look to a person that just doesnt care.
in my case he was so bad, he would attack my choice of clothes and call me ugly, and that outfit makes me look like a whore, or an ugly dyke. Some times, you just cant do anything. Just know your doing your best!
Btw, when he went into the memory care home, the first thing i did was call the amvets to haul out our old couch that he started sleeping on the last three months he was here. The urine smell on that thing would have made any one run for the hills!!!! Now if i could get the cat urine off the bed that our cat peed on after he left!! Missed her daddy ((
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Does he have a UTI? That would make him ornery and crazy along with making him incontinent.
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