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I am 40 now and have just helped my mom care for my grandparents, and was never their primary caregiver. I know what you have been doing is way different and I hope others in their 30s who have experienced caring for loved ones will write. I am mostly writing just to hope others will comment but also to tell you that your decision sounds very smart and to wish you well!
We started helping my grandparents when my sister and I were in our 20s and my mom her early 40s. We did not know what we were getting into and did not realize how much they had declined till we moved them close to us. I do not regret being there for my grandparents, am grateful that I had the kind of grandparents that I wanted to be around and also that I was able to help. However, there are lots of decisions we would have made differently had we known more. It is exhausting and I feel it changed the way I see old age for sure.
I really feel for you. I hope your sister will offer you more support, and I hope you can take time to start building the kind of life you want for yourself. Best wishes to you and your mom.
Thank you for sharing your story as well tacy022. Sorry for the loss of your boyfriends dad. Im an accountant and i enjoyed my job but i know that something better will be waiting for me on the other side of this season. I was mid way through my masters of accounting program with a 4.0 when everything happened and I was sitting for the CPA exam but im praying God gives me the strength to finish what i started. I pray you find a better job than what you had and wish you the best.
You were doing really well in school -- that is wonderful! Best of luck whether you return to school or start a new job!
A memory unity is the only way to go. Even though your grandparents don't like the idea, they don't understand the dementia. Also, they probably have an outdated idea about care homes. While there are still some bad ones (much depends on where we live), most have improved. Many are wonderful.
You'll be around to keep an eye on things. You just won't be solely responsible and you'll be able to get on with your life at least to some degree.
You've honored the spirit of the promise you made to your dad. You need to do what is best for all. The following article may help you.
Blessings,
Carol
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/I-promised-my-parents-I-d-never-put-them-in-a-nursing-home-133904.htm
As I stated above, find the best facility for your Mom and visit often. She will be safe, warm, dry, fed, cared for. But don't let the guilt consume you. You have done the best by your Mom. I highly recommend the Teepa Snow videos on You Tube. Search them out. Please take the time (and there are many of them) to watch them in their entirety. They are SO HELPFUL understanding dementia for caregivers. Unfortunately, my Mom is 86, frail, fell and broke her leg, and is now in "rehab" but I know will eventually transition to long term care there. It is very hard to digest all of this as it happened 2 days after Christmas and it has been a nightmare dealing with the CNAs (aides) and LPNs in the rehab/nursing home. I must be diligent now in getting her the proper care but I know in my heart I could NEVER handle the intensive 24/7 care that she requires. Do I feel guilty? You bet but I know it's for the best.
Good luck to you, dear. And whatever you do, try not to feel guilty. Seek out some caregivers support groups in your area. Stay in school and by all means finish your CPA exam. You will not regret it. And come back to this forum and let us know how your doing. We care.
I was a caregiver when I was 28. I hope you follow through on your prayer to God to give you the strength to finish your masters of accounting program and resume your life. You are living in a different world than I was when, with my parents' help, I became a caregiver to my husband in 1959 and a widow with two children a year later. Place your mother before caregiving takes a physical toll on you.
First of all I need you to not feel guilty. I know this is hard but you sound as though you have done all you can do. I am 53 and have been caring for my Mom who is 89 for a long time now. Recently she came to live with my husband and I and it is tough because we are having a hard time finding a caregiver since we live in an area that is not highly populated. It is not an easy job period. There are some days where I just sit and have a good cry and others where I smile and thank God for all the memories he is supplying me with. Back to you. This sounds like something you truly wanted to do because it was on your heart. I think it sounds like you are making the right decision for your Mom and for you. Just because she is being placed in a facility does not mean you cannot be a part of her care. You still have lots of time to live your life. You are only in your 30's. You will and should feel wonderful about all you have done for your parents. What a blessing that you go to do this for them. I hope that your future is bright and you are happy in what ever you do. I hope you get your career back so that you can live your life because you have certainly done your part.
Memory Care is the way to go, you can't help your mother 'recover', the course of the disease is inevitable. You have done far more than most. Please please please read these messages. Destroying your life (and it will be that, destruction of your life) isn't going to make your mother all better. you could die before she does. Heck, mine is now in a nursing home, is doing absolutely GREAT, though I lose a lot of my health, wealth, and happiness until I got her in there. (I swore I was not going to endanger my marriage or retirement savings no matter what.) Good luck to you, I wish you happiness in the rest of your life
I am also 33 and going through something similar. My father passed away at age 64 and right around the same time that he got really sick, my mom was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's. She does not believe she has the disease yet I have had to quit my job and move in with her also because she doesn't eat on her own and can't take care of her house. I don't feel right putting her in assisted living (why are there not assisted living facilities for early-onset?? She is only 63 and I don't want to take her entire life away and surround her by 90-year-olds). Besides, she has just lost her husband and had so many life changes that it would be very detrimental to her. She also hates me because according to her I "stole" her car keys and forced her to live a "miserable" life by taking away all her independence. Anyone who imposes the new limitations of this disease (i.e. me and the doctors) is evil and crazy in her eyes. The verbal abuse got so bad that we had to get her on anti-depressants to calm down her temper tantrums.
Most importantly, Lena, and everyone else in this forum who has had to become a 24/7 caregiver at such a young age, if your parent or loved one has Alzheimer's/ Dementia, there is a support group for caregivers under 40 through the Alzheimer's Association which has really helped a lot. We have a google meet-up every other week and I have gotten a lot of support and really good ideas from the girls in the group, ,most of whom have been doing this for many years and are very experienced. It's also nice to have people to talk to about this who understand. If you'd like more information feel free to contact me!
I purchased a book for mother, to help deal with dad's passing.... How would you feel, if you sister in law, who you are not very close too, but is to mom because she calls her everyday, thinking (and I'm not exaggerating) that she is mother Teresa.. I think she has something wrong with her too... but, after finding out that I bought the book, for mother, she said, "make sure you tell her we appreciate the thoughtfulness of her gift to you".... like I'm some outsider, dealing with all the hatefulness, hopelessness and deceitful ways of my mother?
My question is: how would you feel? I'm her daughter, been there for everything, for my father, for her, but my sister in law acts like I'm some family friend or something. Am I being hateful, jealous, a bitch or what.... I am so confused everyday with dealing with my mother, but she has everyone thinking she is a very sweet, kind loving individual, while I'm a hateful bitch..... am I crazy? I feel like I am....my life too, is completely on hold. Everyone thinks that I'm some kind of witch, and treats my mom with cruelty...I guess... please, need some help sorting this out...my family, is out, because they don't want to hear it, or help out and they have lives that don't include my parents, and never have.
Tragic, but it feels better to hear that I am not the only one in this situation. Although I was 38 when my (widowed) mother Diane was diagnosed 4 years ago, I still haven't settled down yet, tons of problems to solve for my Mother and no support whatsoever from institutions, government or siblings, including sister or aunts and uncles. We have a special situation that leaves me isolated with my mother in Florence, which is not too bad a place, as my parents had moved to Italy from Canada when I was 11yo, ironically for the same reasons, as my grandparents were getting older and less self sufficient. There too, I remember being left with them alone at their house in the summer several days.
This tragic neurological degeneration first gets a toll on you, makes you take leave from your work and you soon become redundant from your job, your relationship starts failing and it is hard to start a new one.
To be optimist, things can only get better. After loosing my father, my mother lost her memory, she lost her autonomy, I lost my freedom, lost my job, lost my partner, lost my family and siblings who all disappeared into selfishness, lost my house when I started renting it out to pay for a caregiver for Diane and we'll loose her house when she will go and my sister will force me to sell it.
So things have been going pretty much downhill the past few years. Lost myself a bit too. I was told to look after myself, as it is the case, at this stage, when few of the people surrounding you realize that you have no life, although they wouldn't have the solution or advice on how to do that, other than telling you to put her into a home.
So I will read this thread carefully and see if there are any other solutions, otherwise, she'll end her time at home with the caregiver this year and I'll find a nice place for her, rent her house to pay for it, get my home back and possibly my life... if I don't have to manage the home full time to make sure they take good care of her. We still have to visit and probably spend most or all of our spare time visiting our loved one, who normally refuses to go into a home.. but she thinks she is still sane.
Thanks again for your words and understanding!!