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Freud's ghost is shaking his cigar disapprovingly at you.
my husband and I moved in with my fragile mom. My husband is going downhill and so am I.
it’s awful to be retired with plans and then feel trapped.
my mom doesn’t want to go to a rest home, she also doesn’t want a stranger taking care of her (neither do I). It’s an awful trap that you have to try to make the best of, even tho it’s not easy.
Good luck, I feel ya. I’m worn out, husband doesn’t help me at all with my moms care.
I’m so tired and depressed. Some days are better than others tho.
🙏
get him into elderly housing—all the old gals love single men!! He’ll be treated like a king there—he’ll have his privacy & you & your hubby will have your privacy, finally!!
I had a great MIL. My FIL was not as nice. My grandmother in law was awful and my grandfather in law was a sweetie.
Hahaha, so I had two great in-laws and two awful ones.
I agree though. Marriage is between two people, the husband and the wife.
I thought about the possibility of taking my Dad in one day.. THANK YOU. Mich better plan.
Alas, can you hear my *but* coming...
Life expectancy USA 1940s for men & woman 60 & 65. Average children 3 or 4. Probably stayed local.
Today (although it varies for areas) it is approx 75 & 80 with 2 or 3 children - living all over.
Both my Grandmothers lived into their 90's. My daughter could have us parents + 2 childless Aunts. I'm not sure she would welcome us all 😱
If one must go? Who will it be?
I know it must be terribly difficult for you and your husband having your dad there. You love your dad and want the best for him. But your husband is losing the love and care he is used to and may be jealous of your efforts for your dad. Even the awkwardness of having another person in the home while you are trying to experience the love and growth of a loving marriage. It would be great if you and your husband went to a marriage counselor to help deal with all of this. I would also mention adult day care or a senior center for your dad. This would give you a break and your dad may enjoy it very much. There are inexpensive options for getting senior transportation to social situations, medical appointments and shopping visits. If you contact your local office for the aging they should be able to give you resources/information for respite care, transportation, senior centers, adult day care, etc.
I am very lucky in that my brother took in my dad after my mom died. Dad was heartbroken. I spoke to him on the phone everyday and saw him as often as possible (lived two hours away). I know if my father had moved in with my husband, myself, and our two daughters, it would have destroyed my marriage. At that point, despite 20 years of marriage, I know it would not have worked out. As much as my husband liked and enjoyed my dad, I know without a doubt there would have been a lot of uncomfortableness, resentment, etc. We have now been married 40 years and are closer than ever and speak very positively and lovingly about both of my deceased parents. I wish you the best of luck, hope you get marriage counseling and be open to considering a good independent care facility sometime in the future nearby. You could even visit your dad almost everyday for a bit and bring dad home for dinner once in a while but preserve the sanctity of your marriage.
So, as you know, you have a choice to make. Dad or hubby. Is dad a social person? He might enjoy an elder community - assisted living - etc. more than living at your house. The hard part is going to be telling him you want him to move on after inviting him into your home.
By the way - was your husband on board when you invited dad to live with you? If he was, I'd remind him of that and tell him to grow up. And, see if you can arrange an area for dad to have a personal area to watch tv or hang out in. I'm not saying to seclude him, but better for him not to hear hubby complain.
Similarly, asking your husband to be superhuman strikes me as ignoring the fact that he is a human being. Asking him to be superhuman long enough to "step up to the plate and hit a home run" every once in a while is more reasonable than asking him to do it day after day for the foreseeable future.
Expecting humans to be super human and act like superheroes results in disappointment. Nurses and doctors are burning out and committing suicide.
No one cares about your marriage the way you do. No one cares about your husband the way you do. Ask yourself how you would react if your husband were asking you to "be a superhero and knock a homerun right out of the park" day after day after day after....
No doubt about it, it’s a life changing experience. My husband is one of the most easy going men ever and he felt it too.
When mom moved out we both felt the weight of the world lift off of our shoulders.
I haven’t read the answers so I don’t know if you have explained why your dad is living with you.
If it’s possible for you to help your father find a suitable place to move it will be better for all of you.
I realize it’s hard and it’s not usually a quick fix. Take one step at the time. Continue to reach out for help.
Best wishes to you and your family.
When I invited my parents to live with me, he was less than hospitable, Even though he knew how important it was to me. I have done everything for his family.
I’m terribly sorry and understand what you’re going through.
Life isn’t perfect, but the true heroes stand up when needed. This is your husband’s chance to be a superhero and knock a homerun right out of the park. I hope he steps up to the plate.
A lot of people will probably tell you to put your husband first. I’m proud of you for giving priority to your dad.
It’s times like this you see what people are really made of.
I feel horrible and know we need to move.
That being said, he has a role in this too. He needs to be told how much you need his support. He needs to feel valued and needed too. This is a tough balancing act. Communication is always the key.
I had to find a Caregiver support group a few months ago. Fortunately, our town's senior center offered one.
I also bought a great book on marriage, The Unveiled Wife.
Prayer helped me a lot too.
Remember to take time for the two of you, and yourself.
Always have date nights, stay intimate. Find help from a family member or friend.
My mom was in India in a senior center but developed dementia & got into horrible situations there. My husband saw me struggling with all this and urged me to get her here. This was all last year. In the beginning, I also struggled with mom vs husband but luckily found this forum. My husband comes first (even tho' intimacy is an issue with mom's bedroom right opposite ours). I will put Youtube for mom in her room and try to spend time with my husband.
Make sure your husband knows/senses he's top priority for you...you can do it! Don't make the mistake of being at ur dad's beck & call (like I did last year). As long as he's safe, hire someone and go out with your husband and have date nights.
I think your Dad would want you to have a happy, healthy marriage !
Perhaps it's time to have a frank conversation with Dad.
If he loves and cares about you, he will be understanding.
Best wishes
Your husband says your dad is very different than him. He thinks he is selfish and only thinks about money.
We are all different. We are none alike.
You didn't mention anything about your dad being bad or interfering with your marriage. Your husband just doesn't like his ways.
Ask your husband if he can just ignore it.
Our parents moving in with us was a catalyst to the divorce, I saw the same thing happening to my Daughter and her Dad as an only child.
If something is not working don’t keep doing it, when you say you’re caught in the middle it can feel powerless.
Take charge, help your Dad find a place for his current stage of life and live in your current stage of life before you lose your options.
This would be hard on any spouse....even one of 30 years, but your husband is dealing with it on year 3. You've barely gotten into a routine of your own.
If you value your marriage, rethink the knee jerk reaction of moving your dad in and come up with other options for dad. He might enjoy the socialization that assisted living offers.