My sister and I both love our mom and want the best for her but have found ourselves in a difficult spot. Mom was super independent (lived alone, cooks, travels, shops etc.) but just had a stroke which has left her needing full time care for at least the next few months if not forever. She does not have enough money for assisted living without selling her home.
My sister lives 15 min from mom and her 2 adult children also live 10 and 30 min from grandma. Sister primarily works from home but recently is required to "badge in" 3 days a week to her job (doesn't have to stay more than 10-30 min and can then go back home). Her office is also 15 min away. We were rotating staying with mom each for a week at a time but the last time, my sister kept mom at her house so her husband can be there if mom needs anything while she checks in a work, goes to appointments etc.
I also work about 60% from home but I am in sales and cover the state of Texas so my schedule changes a lot and I go out to see customers all over. My kids are not near mom. My husband is out of work and has been able to help some with mom when I have meetings but that is not ideal either. The 2 biggest issues for me are that I live 3 hours from mom and my schedule is not predictable. They are also re-evaluating my position right now so I need to be at my best. If I lose my job, my husband is also out of work so we would have zero income.
My sister called me when mom got out of the hospital and said unequivocally that she expects me to do my 50% caretaking. To her, 50% is exactly that. Everything split perfectly equally. I explained that would be hard with my job and that I don't have the added benefit of being in my own town where I have doctors, hair salon, friends, dentist, and most of my customers are in my home town. Also, I don't have family near mom's house to cover for me and cannot easily bring her to my home since all her docs, PT etc. are not here. I asked my sister to take all this into account as well as my 6 hour round trip drive but she said that my driving and losing conveniences of being home doesn't "count" into the equation. If she does 7 days, I do 7 days.
With my conditions, I feel it is unfair to expect me to be at mom's 50% of the time. I still think I could pitch in say 10-12 days per month but sister will be upset if she has to do more. I said we could do some kind of split like 33/33/33 with the other third being paid help and she didn't like that either. The stress of this is killing me. I have an autoimmune disease that kicks in when I am stressed or don't sleep enough and haven't felt well though a lot of this.
Any suggestions on how to handle? Is it selfish, unfair, and unreasonable for me to stick to my limits and tell her I cannot commit to 50/50 100% of the time? I have done it so far but it is really unsustainable for me. And I am not one of those who is trying to dump all on the other sibling... I am willing to do as much as I can but I cannot lose my job and health over this.
And what you and your sister are wanting to establish for your mom is next to impossible and the sooner you both realize that, the sooner you can actually figure out the next steps in your moms care.
And yes, that may very well mean selling her home so she has the funds to pay for an assisted living facility, where she will be around other folks her age and receive the care she now requires.
The fact that you love your mom is neither here nor there. What needs to be done to care for her, has to work for ALL involved or it doesn't work for anyone.
And you are at the point now of it not working for anyone.
So time for plan B. So have a heart to heart with your mom and sister, to figure out exactly what that plan looks like.
Best wishes.
That simple: No argument.
We once had a home three and one half hours from our home. A second home we thought would be easy to get to and back from. Not so. Realistically it always took the day with an exhausted evening.
Were this me I would tell sister:
"We can say what we like here. We can say my limitations with job and family and the transportation needs preclude my being able to do this. I will not try this"
Or we can say "I know my limitations. Sorry. I can't do this. Call me any names you choose, I have no intention of trying to take this on".
Your mother does likely need full time care now. It is better that this is addressed after rehab/NOW. She can go into care and spend down her cash assets. Or go into nursing home with all the rehab that will be supplied, and work on getting independent again.
If things change, wonderful. Then she can become independent and go home again. That's unlike and all here need to embrace that fact. All here already know that, I would bet.
This is time for honesty. Do not allow yourself to be bullied, convinced, manipulated into doing this. Tell everyone you have thought about it, and they will just have to accept your decision, because it isn't changing. Will they be mad? You betcha. Get ready for it. Allow it. This is worth grieving.
It is not fair that children are expected to throw their lives, their children, their jobs onto the burning funeral pyre of their parents. And it is a slow burn. This many go on for many many years. You KNOW this isn't sustainable for you. You KNOW it.
If Sis wishes to take on full time care for a period of three months during which it will be CRYSTAL CLEAR to her and to your Mom that she needs placement, sale of the home, and ALF? Fine. If she cannot, then that is fine as well. Mom can keep home and spend down in care, or keep home and go on Medicaid. Improvement means going home (very unlikely as all her already likely understand deep inside). If Mom must be in care then the sale of the home would help her afford ALF for the time it is affordable.
If Mom is so debilitated from this stroke that she cannot remain at home safely during the hours sister is at work? Then this isn't sustainable.
I am sorry. Embrace selfishness. Honor what you know to be your truth. You can apologize for your limitations till you're face goes blue, but you need to HONOR them imho. Trying this and failing is not going to make ANYONE here any the happier. This isn't a situation that can be fixed. It must be walked through with grief, tears and hard truths imho.
When my dad passed, taking care of mom went ok , my sister works I don't, I was going to moms 3 days on average my sister one, I was very pleased with the way things were going, slowly my sister stopped going, went to once a week to 2 times a year.
But you know , that was my sisters choice, end all be all, I don't blame her. None of us forced into caregiving. . My sister did what what right for her, and I hold no animosity towards her for that.
I get what you are trying to do by mom, I truly do but I don't believe it will work. If you choose not to find a facility for her, what about in home care, out of moms pocket.
No one should be forced into doing more than they can mentally, physically handle, and no one should spend money on there parents. We children need to save and plan for are aging future.
This is already effecting your health, it will just get harder.
Id tell your sister, I will give you this amount of time nothing more and tell her you will work with her to find help to fill in the other part time. NO , if ands or buts!!!! Put your boundaries down NOW. Is your sister older, she sounds a bit bossy, but on the other hand she is also going through a lot, so don't forget that.
Id tell her, I love you, I care, if she can't work with you then your done. I also don't think it's healthy for your sister to be doing 50 percent either.
Best of luck, let us know how it goes, please
There is alot that stroke patients need to relearn. This initial phase is difficult under the best of circumstances and your schedule does not presently afford you the time to devote to it. I think you just have to be very matter of fact with your sister. You losing work is not a good option especially at this early stage.
I would reach out to facilities and also speak to Medicare or the facility could help with that.
If finances are a great concern I would advise getting a lawyer to help with the Medicaid process.
I have a good friend who has been through all of this. Her husband spent 11 months in a variety of facilities after a hemorrhagic stroke. He has made improvements. Medicaid pays for a full time aide for him in the house. A competent lawyer helped with this process. I hope you have POA or can work on getting it. My friend also had to get this after her husband's stroke. A lawyer will assess when this is best done.
You will need to stand your ground with your sister. She seems type A with demands that she doesn't even know if she can sustain. To bad for her and those demands. Your expected 150% percent out put. 100% you and your family with an additional 50% for your mother. Not doable for an indefinite amount of time.
Sadly, i don't see a great outcome with your sister and her lowering the expectation. But you outlining and conversing with your mother should help between the two of you.
Wishing you and your mother the best.
Your mother’s stroke was a game changer in your mother’s care needs .
It doesn’t matter that she only moved 9 months ago.
Sell the house and place Mom in assisted living where she will get the help she needs .
Selling the house and mom moving to an Assisted Living facility where she will get the help she needs now and in the future seems like the best move
Taking care of mom in her home is just 1 part of taking care of her. Mowing the lawn, seasonal maintenance, doing repairs that will be needed down the road, checking furnace, the AC, water heater and all the rest of the stuff that might get put off if you and sibling are just taking care of mom and that can be a full time job alone.
As sad as your mother’s health issues are, is this about avoiding conflict with a volatile, unreasonable sibling? Is this person’s personality issues worth risking your health/job/marriage over? And it’s already caused distress and conflict, thanks to your sister.
“It really upsets my mom when we are not getting along and I want her attitude to stay positive.”
I get that, but I also wonder whether you and mom and other family members are just used to walking around on eggshells around sister? I think you need to re-think that.
Since you are 3 hours away there is no way you can do 50% of caregiving responsibilities. It is not realistic.
Sadly, keeping the peace with your sister will be very difficult. You can only be responsible for yourself and your emotions. Your sister is responsible for her own attitudes and her own emotions.
Your sisters stance is very, very unrealistic.
I think you need to come to peace that your sister won't be happy with your stance and what help you can offer and your sister is going to be angry and nasty.
No is a complete sentence. It is that easy.
“no, I can’t possibly do that.” Period. The end.
I mean it’s either tell her no and stop letting her boss you around or have a nervous breakdown. It’s your choice.
Everyone here has told you to tell your sister "no".
And your response has been that you can't do that because she will hold a grudge.
If you have to buy your sister with your very life and well-being that is a real bad relationship right there. You say you have tried negotiating.
You can't negotiate with a bully.
You are an adult.
You have a choice to make for your own life.
Everyone here has advised and you are more than free to ignore that advice, but no one will feel sorry for you if you continue to allow yourself to be the victim of a bully, sister or not.
I most definitely hope you get up enough courage to stand up for your own life, your own family. If you do not there would be nothing anyone could tell you other than to wave you off with a merry "Good luck. Take care".
I wonder whether your sister is resentful and feels like just because she lives closer by it is “not fair” that she do more. She may be operating from some childhood script in her head that she deserves more, has to constantly prove herself, feels mad that mom loves you more when she is more deserving or responsible, etc. She too needs to set limits on how much she can give. It shouldn’t be a sibling battle of fairness. It should be a joint effort of here’s the problem, here is what I can reasonably do, here’s what you can reasonably do, and here’s the gap. What can we do to bridge the gap (answer is NOT that either of you need to give more time/ work harder).
Over time (impossible to know whether that means in a few days or a few years) your mom is going to have another setback. The answer can’t be just give more of your time and resources each time that happens. For either of you!
When my MIL was old and sick, her 3 kids each helped in different ways that fit their life situation. The youngest was single, worked evenings, and lived 50 minutes away. She went 1-2 times per week during the day to take MIL to doctors appointments, go to the grocery store, etc. The oldest (my husband) lived 90 minutes away, would go on the weekend maybe 2-3 times per month to help her around the house. He also acted as DPOA, medical proxy, and executor when she passed. The middle one lived 8 hours away and had small children at home. She visited every 2-3 months but because she was a social worker and also very persuasive with MIL, she got a lot done and knew how to navigate the medical and social services system. It was still really stressful period of maybe 2 years, but at least the siblings got along about all this. They had no fights or accusations about each one having to devote an equal number of hours.
When all this became unsustainable because MIL got worse with frequent hospitalizations, she got an aide and paid for it herself. Then eventually she went into home hospice (which middle one persuaded MIL to do! MIL would not listen to the other two or the dr on this) and passed peacefully with all three of them there. The next stages involving FIL and his kids from a previous marriage were a whole other story with a lot more bitterness.
Best wishes to you!
"Nononononono! We can't sell the family home! Mom would (die, hate us, be angry, have another stroke blah blah blah)."
Assets are to be used for the person who owns them according to their needs. Mom's the one who had the stroke. She's the one who should accommodate to that disastrous event rather than you and sis. Taking care of a post-stroke victim is hell on earth. Or maybe just purgatory, depending on the conditions. Either way, you and sis should NOT attempt care. Leave it to professionals. I've done post-stroke care of a family member, and I can unequivocally assure you that if you and sis take that on, your lives as you know them will be over. Period.
I'm so sorry this has happened to all of you. Start thinking in the direction that I've suggested and good luck.
What I learned in my 69 years is that family does not get to tell you what you need to do for them.
I agree with the other posters that it is time to sell moms house and place her. This is not a sustainable situation.
I wish you luck.
While the proposal of a 3 way split of 33 1/3split between the two of you and paid help was a thoughtful one its a start but also not probably sustainable. Our LO's rarely get better and are more likely to get worse.
I know what it is like to be the closest caretaker. Things fall through the crack, emergencies pop up and because of the logistics you are the one who is always on call. It is exceedingly stressful.
I vote with others who are promoting AL as the truly sustainable solution.
It is where I see my own family situation will have to go. Right now we have outside help for several hours one day a week and my sibling pitches in when he can but...there are always logistical hurdles that most often favor his schedule. Thus most ends up falling on me.
Additionally when you are the only one who is closest - the parent is more likely to think you are available and will not want to inconvenience your sibling.
Honestly my mother is the biggest enabler of the rest of the family doing less.
You have a right to your life and your sister has a right to hers. She should not be penalized because she lives the closest. Nor should you have to sacrifice your life.
The best we owe is to make sure our LO's are safe and comfortable. We cannot fix their situation and it is not fair to expect that any of us will give up their lives and retirement years to try to fix things for our LO's.
Your sister is scared, overwhelmed and burned out.
If your sister is resistant to the idea of engaging third-party help, she may also be resistant to the idea of AL -- unless sister is open to the idea of mom moving in with her and using the house sale money to pay for in-home care (which, if logistically possible--could conceivably be more expensive than AL-- and would be even more stress for both mom and sister).
Your sister is likely understandably overwhelmed and thinking family takes care of family, not (yet) being able to accept that 'family taking care of family' often means bringing third-party help--and that it is ok to do so--whether it is through at-home services or AL.
It is not at all unfair to define/defend your physical/logistical limits. Think about when you are on an airplane, and they tell you in case of an emergency to place the oxygen mask on yourself first before trying to help another person. This is you --and whether she realizes or not, hers as well -- 'putting on the oxygen first' moment -- if you or your sister are not healthy, you cannot help your mom, or anyone else.
As Daughterof1930 pointed out, giving more time than you comfortably can is unsustainable.
Your sister is being unfair and unrealistic. She can not demand that you put in the same time as her. And your sister does not have to do it all on her own.
You say she was kicked out of rehab, but that doesn't mean she was ready to go home. Rehab is limited by insurance requirements, but she could have been transferred to a skilled nursing facility. Or, as you say, assisted living.
Yes, it is time to sell her house and move. There are many levels of assisted living. She could continue to live independently in her own AL apartment, but with the help she needs.
You are hopeful that your mother will recover and return home. It is unlikely she will improve much more than her current condition. If she is a fall risk, there is no one who can prevent her from falling. Coax your mother to try using a wheelchair or scooter or walker, something to help her get around safely.
You are right - you cannot lose your job and your health for this. If your sister can and wants to be there for mom, that is fine, but don't let her guilt anyone else into doing the same. Set very clear and realistic times when you are available to help. It is ok for you to stand up for yourself and to say "no" to the things you can't do.
It sounds like you have giving your sister 'too much' power over you, or that you are giving your power away to her. These decisions need to be made together; it sounds like she is calling the shots and expects you to abide by whatever she feels is appropriate / fair.
Your physical (and mental) health needs must be taken into consideration.
Do what is sustainable to you.
Stand up for yourself. Do not be bullied.
You do what you can ... if your mother needs gov't assistance, check into this.
You cannot run on empty plus you must take care of yourself FIRST. You are your first priority, otherwise, you won't be there to care for her at all.
Sounds like you need to give yourself A LOT of self-love and self-compassion. And, do not fear your sister. Sounds like you are allowing her to 'get to you' wherein you do not feel well and not sleeping well ... and questioning yourself.
Let your sister be upset. Financially contribute as you can as needed ...
check into govt' assistance.
You use a really good word 'sustainable' - (or 'un') - this situation needs to be worked out for the longer haul - sustainable moving forward - for all concerned. I wish you well in having a heart-to-heart with your sister. If you get frazzled, write down all that you want to discuss so you can (calmly) go through it.
Try being aware of "I statements" - I can do ... I am unable to ... instead of the focus on you (you want to avoid your sister feeling ... defensive / a need to defend herself) although the situation doesn't feel lilke this is the / an issue.
Speak from your inner personal power, be open to discussing options, do not just give in (out of stressors or fear). Get enough sleep before you have a heart-to-heart on how to move forward. Be clear headed.
Oh yes. I forgot. Absolutely sell the house.
Gena / Touch Matters
Talk to her and call it like it is: I'm sorry, it's not fair that because you live in the same town as mom, you'll need to be more physically available for mom than I can be. It is impossible for me to share this part of the burden with you equally. Instead, this is what I propose I take on more fully that I can do from a distance to help share the burden of her care while we figure this out because I recognize it is not sustainable or fair to you.:
Here are some ideas:
1) Manage mom's finances
2) Research assisted living facilities in my town and yours for planning her next step
3) Talk to a realtor and handle the sale of her house
4) Spend x number of days staying with mom per month (4 days with a weekend and working remotely, for example).
5) Call Mom every day to find out what she needs, listen to her complaints, make lists to share with sister so she knows what to expect each day.
6) Send sister ready-to-heat meals, Uber-Eat credit, nice things to make her life a little easier, etc.
7) Pay for housekeeping (for sister or your mom, or both).
And thank her profusely and tell her how much you appreciate her for what she is doing. You shouldn't let her bully you, but you also shouldn't act like you get a pass because of your circumstances. You need each other because things aren't going to get easier.
I also strongly recommend that everyone with siblings read the book, "They're Your Parents, Too!: How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents' Aging without Driving Each Other Crazy."
I understand how both of you feel, because at least she wants to split the caregiving evenly, but in your case, since you're far and job obligations, it's not feasible.
What I was doing was sending care packages down when I could. Food, clothes, nighties, Depends, bed liners, sheets. I recently stopped, but maybe you can contribute in that way to help out.