How to go about helping husband with dementia find car in large parking lot?

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How to go about helping husband with dementia find car in large parking lot?

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He still drives safely independently but concerned about him not remembering where he parked. Most importantly, he will be getting a new vehicle.

Activities of Daily Living Cognitive Decline Driving

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You've had enough replies cautioning you against letting him drive. Everyone doing so is correct, and their various concerns are so true. When approaching this issue, I found that my major medical care system had an Occupational Therapy specialist who did driving evaluations, so we had that appt. It was about a 2 1/2 hour eval, with some computerized assessments, discussion, and a driving simulator. I was there to see how he did. It was fail after fail on all assessments--and this was at a time when I knew he should only drive very locally, if at all. What was helpful for me to grasp was that though the muscle memory of driving--the physical mechanics of driving would probably stay for a lot longer, his ability to perceive correctly, and to make judgments about driving situations, plus his ability to react quickly were all impaired. Our insurance covered that assessment. He accepted the outcome better than I think he would've based on just my saying so.

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This OP has not responded to any questions nor has OP posted other than this post. Please watch dates on posts. See when post was last responded to. Have your page set at newest first so you will see the latest post that says "old post". It brings the post back to the top.

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Amen to all the comments here! My husband can drive but he won’t drive because he doesn’t want to take the chance. You never know when the skill will drop off. When my Dad taught me to drive so many years ago he said, “You have a several thousand pound weapon here in this car. How would you feel if you killed a child?” You may want your to drive because it is difficult to take over all the driving but think “How would you feel if he killed a child?”

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KathleenQ: You're so right! My mother exclaimed "A car is a weapon."
I don't have a need for nighttime driving, but will occasionally as I don't want to lose that skill at age 77.

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Someone else commented: "He could kill himself or others. If you allow this, you are responsible."

You might be morally responsible perhaps, but not legally. I asked an attorney. That doesn't make it any easier, I know....

This was a concern with my dad (86, with dementia) who lived 3.5 hours from me and would not stop driving. Some doctor at a hospital (presumable when he or my step-mother were there for one reason or another) contacted the DMV and he was not able to keep his license. I even took him down, got him an ID, and stood right there when the guy put a hole through his license because it was invalid, but later my dad did not believe it happened...said he still had his license.

It was a dilemma, as he already rolled over one of his cars in a single car accident. Luckily he was belted in and there was an airbag, but there was no stopping him. He kept driving their older van (my step mother, his wife of 50 years, passed away six months ago), and refused to stop. I knew if I somehow disabled his car, he would either fix it himself (he'd been a fix-it-yourself guy since he was 16 years old), or pay someone to fix it. If I was to put a club on his car he would just go buy a new car (some idiot would sell him one....). Attorney also told me I could not legally put the club on his car....

Luckily nothing ever happened, but yes I was constantly worried about him and others. I read where one person with dementia willingly gave up his keys after he determined he could not anticipate what the other drivers were going to do, but you certainly can't count on all of them to come to that conclusion....my dad never did.

Sorry about the duplicate posts. Not sure what is going on, but I could not completely delete them.

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darn it. Old post

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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Ma’am you need to take his keys away before he kills someone and they sue you for every penny. Try explaining that one— “well, I knew he had dementia and I knew he couldn’t find his car but I still thought it was a good idea for him to drive. It never occurred to me that someone with a broken brain might not be able to drive. I simply didn’t care that he was a danger on the road and killed an innocent person, your honor”

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And, yes. A man with dementia T boned my friend and it killed him and injured her. And yes, she sued his estate to make her whole.

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The topic of an elderly, person who has multiple problems, yet is still allowed to drive, is a very hot topic for me. I will, AGAIN, post what happened to my 2 oldest children 30 years ago. My oldest son, and my only daughter went to the same school. They were coming home after school, when an old man pulled out from a side street, and into my son's lane. My son swerved hard to avoid t-boning the old man and his wife, on the old woman's side. He went over the curb and hit a large tree close to the road. If our 16 year old daughter had not been wearing her seat belt, she would have gone through the windshield and hit the tree head first. She had horrible bruises on her chest and shoulder from the seat belt. Our son only had minor injuries to his knee that hit the steering column. The old man pulled over, stared for a few moments at what he had done, then drove off. In the meantime, our daughter had written down his license number. The police did track the old man down and charged him. We didn't find out if they yanked his license away., but I sure hope so. Our children sustained only minor injuries. The old woman was not killed, thanks to our son. Our son's Camaro was totaled. To this day, our daughter still has PTSD from that accident. It's really hard for her to ride as a passenger in a car.
We almost lost 2 of our 3 children because of a selfish old man who had no business being behind the wheel. PLEASE think about what your husband might do to someone else, it's not all about his tender feelings when he's on the road endangering other people.

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This should be the least of your concern about your husband with dementia not remembering where his car is in a parking lot. What you should be very, very concerned about is your husband driving and the danger he poses to himself as well as to other people if he makes a wrong turn into oncoming traffic, etc. and gets into a deadly accident. It’s time for your husband to stop driving. Hide his car key or disable the car so he’s not going to pose a danger to himself and/or others.

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This may be helpful to some of us who don’t live near LO, and LO does not use a smart phone . GoGoGrandparent is a service to get Uber or Lyft rides . LO can call for rides . They match LO with vetted drivers with experience with elders including with cognitive issues . Family can set limits and monitor where LO is going as well.
I have no first hand experience with this service . I was just searching . We don’t live near MIL and I was thinking about what she can do when she stops driving . She does not use a smart phone, tablet or computer.

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I put two Apple air tags in my husbands car, and I set up his air tags and his iphone in the "Find My" app on my iphone as well as his iphone. Because of the enhanced safety features of newer automobiles, I bought him a new car and then I programmed his most frequent destinations into the new car GPS. I also set up his most frequent destinations in the maps app on his iphone. I moved the apps to the front of his iphone and taught him how to use them. It was easy. I am 76 so if I can do it, anyone can. Also, Because he has mild cognitive impairment, I found a driving school that works with seniors. Most people our age did not have the option to take driving lessons and as we age, our senses don't work as fast in an emergency. Still, you can develop compensatory strategies just and be a safe driver. Initially, I sought driving lessons from a doctor referred occupational therapist. Instead of assessing his driving skills, she gave him a battery of neurocognive tests which he flunked because she spoke with very rapidly with a South African accent in a higher range than he could hear. Moreover, my husband retired in 2003 and throughout his career, he had a secretary. I find younger healthcare professionals judge elderly people to be cognitively impaired based on their expertise with technology. I have ADHD. it did not prevent me from obtaining multiple advanced degrees and a very successful career. Still, even in undergraduate school, I could never remember where I parked my car and I always got lost before the invention of the GPS. In my case, it has nothing to do with short term memory. Moreover, dementia does not happen all at once. It is on a continuam just like jogging and weight lifting. If you have a knee replacement, you get physical therapy. Whereas if you are diagnosed with cognitive impairment, some states like California take away your drivers license and you are isolated. PS. After my husband got used to his new hearing aids, he started passing cognitive tests and with practice learned to draw clocks so that he now tests as normal for his age. My husband is still a very smart man-just not as smart as he was 20 years ago.

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...."so if I can do it, anyone can." Except those people with a broken brain who should NOT be driving under any circumstances, and endangering the lives of other innocent people on the roadways. Period, end of conversation!!!!

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Many people leant to drive young. So skill to drive is in their long term memory.

Where you parked the car is a short term memory problem.

But I'd be very wary here.

Spacial awareness, response time, provlem solving skills are also very much needed as part of wider 'driving skills' to be a safe driver.

So yes this man can probably drive the car. May drive well.

Driving a Car vs a wider view of Driving Skills may become the issue.

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Uber is great. You can get a lot of Uber rides for the cost of insurance, gas, parking, tuneups, and car payments. Maybe treat him to a ride somewhere so he can see how convenient it can be. Also, the insurance company would likely not cover him for the new vehicle.

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Carolesse: He can no longer operate a motor vehicle as he has a broken brain.

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Everyone has been pointing out the dangers of letting him drive and I agree. It is hard to stop someone however, especially when there is still a car in the family. My mother lives about two hours away from me. She started calling me saying she was lost and I had to figure out where she was using her description of what was around her and the maps app on my phone. I tried to tell her to wait until I could get there to help her run errands rather than driving herself. I also got a tracker for her car, especially since one time she had called me from a very remote area at night. I tried to get her to not drive at all and especially not at night or such a time that the return trip would be in the dark but she wouldn’t agree to that. Fortunatly around that time a friend of mine offered to stay with her a few days a week and she started running errands. I have since found someone to come in the days that my friend is not there and both of them have not only been running errands but finding and taking her to fun things to do. She is a people person and enjoys the activities they find which she would never try to go to alone.
She never officially stopped driving in her mind but she enjoys having someone to drive her and she hasn’t driven for quite a while now. She still says that if she has to come down my way and I am busy or tired she can drive herself. Obviously we all make sure that doesn’t happen! She also still talks about what her next car will be. I used to check the tracker occasionally when she was home alone and her car has only been driven by her caregivers. As an extra benefit, the trackers app lets me know if the battery is getting low and I have been able to give her caregivers a heads up so they can take appropriate actions before being stuck somewhere with a dead battery! (They know I don’t use it to check up on what they’ve been doing.)
Good luck!

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Very true story poster before.
Elder still driving ( probably had Dementia), drove into field, got stuck. Passed due to sitting in the car during cold weather.

He did not know to get out of the car and go for help, though there was another story of an elder that did get out of the car, he still died because he fell and did not get up.

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Sad. Probably happens a lot more than we know.

Two stories I remember from our local news.

Elderley couple went to dinner at a family home. Familiar route. Would call to stay 'home safe'. This night, didn't. Police out looking. Found next morning, dangerously cold & confused but alive. Had stopped for fuel, apparently turned the wrong way when leaving & got on a country highway. Kept driving. Was a 40min drive home - but they kept driving for many hours! Drove past turnoffs to country towns, not thought to stop to ask directions or seek help. Eventually got so tired, pulled over to sleep.

Other elderley gent drove his car interstate. Took a regular trip every year. Until he got lost on route. Seen on video buying fuel then no trace.. took many days for search rescue team to find. Had left the highway onto smaller roads then bush tracks. Car found in very thick forrest. Man deceased.

My friends & I turned wrong after stopping for fuel after a country weekend stay in our 20s. Driving along.. very dark.. this feels wrong.. no phone compassess back then. But we used the signs & the moon's position to right ourselves. Country highways are dark & long here.

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Before my mom died, my step-father got lost going to his doctor. Mom ignored it even though he'd been diagnosed with mild dementia, or the beginning stages. Since her passing I've taken over as POA and trustee, etc. After a few falls I attempted to have him voluntarily give up the keys to no avail. He always insisted that he never had any problems driving and only travels in the neighborhood.

Then I got the call from his aid, "he isn't home and didn't sleep in his bed last night." Total panic set in as I sent out everyone looking while I called the emergency services and the hospitals. He's nowhere to be found. A few hours later we received a call from an ER doctor a couple of counties away, many miles away. "Your dad's here and spent the night. When can you get here?"

His memory of the event was a complete mess. He thought his car was in the hospital parking lot. He fell and hurt his head needing stitches and thought that was at Wal-Mart. No one could tell us if he walked in or was brought by ambulance. We looked for the car everywhere he said. Calling the police dispatch, at first they were no help, but a detective called back who overheard the call. He witnessed dad's fall and car, 20 miles away from where we were. How's that for pure luck?

Alls we can figure is dad was going back to where he lived many years earlier. To get the keys away I had to tell him the car was needing a lot of service and I was taking it in. I explained a few days later why I wouldn't be bringing it back. I got an earful but he finally understood after a sitting with it a few days.

We just can't trust a damaged mind. Get those keys before someone is hurt.

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Your points are excellent ones.

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After having gone through all this with my dad, even though it’s very inconvenient I know, they shouldn’t be driving if they can’t find their car.

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Hello, I’m new on here. Something that helped our family when my dad started showing signs of impairment (no diagnosis yet) but was still driving……….. With prompting, his Dr. “prescribed, ordered” a driving test. This was done with someone specialized with older drivers & people with cognitive impairment of any type. He passed the first test & drove a while longer. However he had to take another test later & that helped make the decision. It wasn’t just us talking the keys from him like we had to do with mom with horrible results. It gave him dignity & a reason from a professional. He still had a hard time with it, but accepted it better. Again, this was right before a diagnosis. He seemed to be driving ok, but there were signs there that something wasn’t right. Better safe than sorry. Have a driving assessment with a senior instructor at the least. My dad also tried a newer car too. Even though with his own car he seemed “ok”, he was totally confused with the technology of the new car which distracted him from his driving. Hope that helps. It’s not an easy time & not what you were asking with your question, but something that’s time to look into for his safety.

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Should he really be driving?

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100% no and she is enabling him instead of looking out for his safety

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My mom used to tie a big artificial flower to the top of her car so she could spot it easier when she would come out of the store. She has dementia now. I sometimes forget where I exactly parked, which row, especially if it's a huge lot.

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Two people I know come to mind. They were both living and driving independently. Each only had “a touch of dementia.” (That seems to be what families often think. Deny, deny, deny.)

JW got in his car one night to go to work. He’d been retired for years. He drove around for a few days, his progress marked by toll road cameras and booths. He crashed his car in a city 50 miles from home and his family got a call in the middle of the night. He was okay and had minor damage to the car.

CR drove his car down the interstate and got off to find a rest room. He peed in a condo guard shack. They called his family to come and get him. He had no idea where he was or what he’d done wrong.

Either could have been dead or a victim of a serious crime.

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Is a touch of dementia like being a touch pregnant?

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No. No. and No. A person with dementia is not safe to be driving a car.
He could kill himself or others. If you allow this, you are responsible.

Getting a new vehicle???? I can't believe / I wonder if this post is real.

Get MD documentation re his dementia.
Take to DMV. They will revoke his license.

If you do not do this, do you want him to potentially kill himself, you (if you are with him in the car) or others? Go to Teepa Snow's website or call her re dementia and driving concerns.
_____________________________________________
How to Talk About the Need to Stop Driving When Dementia Is Involved
Strategies for having that difficult conversation about driving with someone living with dementia.
_____________________________________________
https://teepasnow.com/blog/how-to-talk-about-the-need-to-stop-driving-in-dementia-care/

This is very serious and you are - and need to act responsibly for everyone's safety.

Gena / Touch Matters

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If he needs a ride call LYFT or UBER But get him Off the road Please for yourself, himself and other people .

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JFC. He CANNOT drive with a broken brain!!!!!!!!

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He shouldn't be driving if he can't find his car in a Parking Lot - His doctor will advise you to sell his car and take away the car Keys .

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My aunt drove "safely and independently " with dementia until she got lost and we couldn't FIND her for hours. The police got involved...it was the scariest thing to have to go through. Sometimes they post missing adult on those traffic things on the highway and it brings back memories. Take the keys away!

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Tell him to push the unlock button on the remote. It'll toot the horn and blink the headlights.

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Yes it will. I use mine when the lot gets full. It works great.
Push key fob button, horn honks. I also used it when some teenagers decided to SIT on the car. Saw them through the window and remotely honked.
A pleasure to watch them scatter!

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Do you have a son or another male family member you could ask to be present and back you up with taking away his keys and driving ??
Men can be very stubborn about giving up driving . My Dad was . So I asked my brother to come and take the keys away . The only thing I ever asked my brother to do . Man to man worked . I was there and couldn’t believe how easy it went.

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This post makes me so grateful that we didn’t have this problem with either of my parents.

My dad couldn’t drive after his stroke and mom stopped driving after having seizures and receiving her Parkinson’s disease diagnosis.

My 100 year old cousin is still driving. She gets speeding tickets and tells off the cops!

Her children don’t live in the same state and they have given up on trying to get her to stop driving. She will be 101 in January.

We refer to her as the energizer bunny. I hope that she won’t cause a horrible accident one day.

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Hi Carol, you absolutely have to be brave and take the keys. When I had to confront my Mom - who only had an MCI diagnosis at the time but was starting to get lost -I was so scared of her reaction I was literally shaking. But the bottom line is the same - you could be sued and lose everything if he has an official dementia diagnosis. Give his key to a family member or neighbor and make sure you keep your key out of his view. Today.
Best of luck to you.

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How to go about helping husband with dementia find car in large parking lot?

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