How to deal with raging narcissistic mom who hates my spouse?

Hi, hated spouse over here - weighing in.

I know a little bit of time has passed since you first posted this, but I wanted to offer you the other side of the coin perspective.

You say "Every day is filled with conflict, criticism, disapproval, rage from my mom. She can't afford to live on her own and my mental and physical health are impacted."

You are 53. Your profile states that you are a working professional/executive; married with no children.

So let's break this down a little bit. It's not just impacting your spouse. You said that your mental and physical health are impacted. Even if you have the most understanding, patient, angel of a spouse - they are going to be unhappy - because it is clear that YOU are unhappy. They might be able get beyond her pettiness and hate for THEMSELVES if she wasn't hurting YOU.

My FIL was the most ridiculous man I have EVER had the displeasure of knowing. He toggled between hating me and needing me, so that translated into lovebombing me. I'm convinced the man didn't really know what love really was. In my mind, he was a very large, elderly child. On his bad days, he was REALLY bad. But the truth is - he only got under my skin for ME - in 30 years - only once or twice.

The reality is that the reason I could barely tolerate the man - and the REAL reason he couldn't stand me - had EVERYTHING to do with my DH.

My FIL was so cruel and hateful to my DH and I couldn't keep my mouth shut. So I didn't. I stood up for him. And my FIL HATED that. Because seeing me stand up for him and my FIL BACK DOWN, made my DH realize that HE could stand up for himself. And THAT didn't sit well with FIL at all. It became a power struggle. And every time DH was going to side with me.

You don't say much about how your spouse reacts to your mother's rage and hate. Only that she has no ability to live on her own and it is impacting you. Is the issue really with your spouse? Or is it that you really want her gone as well? Is your spouse tired of how your mother treats you? How she treats them? How your home runs when she is there? Do they want your home to be just the two of you? Do they want the ability to enjoy retirement in a few years? Do they get tired of you having to "be in the middle"?

Fun story - my DH lives with his MIL. When my dad passed away, my mom wanted to travel and her home was going to be empty a lot so we decided to sell our home and move here. In preparation for the time when she might need care in the future, but also to give her some security when she was gone and when she was home. We have LOVED it. One of our college aged daughters is still here. And mom has toggled between traveling, here and caring for her own mother. She and DH get along amazingly. And honestly the transition was seamless. But she's not a narc focused on only her own needs.

Your mother needs to take care of herself. There has to be some way. If you are 53 I'm guessing at the YOUNGEST she is around 70?. So as everyone else has mentioned she would qualify for a number of subsidized senior options and assistance.

There is NO reason that you need to continue to torment yourselves like this. And frankly it is better for everyone. Not to try to scare you, but realistically she could live another 10-15 years if she is healthy. Or even longer. My grandmother is almost 98.

Are you prepared to live like this for even another 5 years?

How would you go if your husband has asked his father to move in with you, he is a ‘raging narcissist’, and your own life is now filled with ‘conflict, criticism, disapproval, and rage’? How would you feel? What would you say to FIL and to your husband? How would your marriage go if he expected you to ‘just ignore it’?

When you’ve thought about that for a while, ask yourself how and why you are doing the same thing to your husband. If your mother moves out and goes to a shelter, she may find it a good idea to take some responsibility for her own accommodation and also for her own behavior. The shelter staff may help her do it in a professional way, without the dramas she is inflicting on both of you.

Ask her for rent money and to pay the bills which I assume you and the husband she "hates" are paying for and to tell her to start helping with cleaning the house as you are tired from hearing her complaining and she seems to have the energy to complain.

Tough one! Obviously your Mom is important to you, as Moms generally are. Has the relationship between her and your spouse always been difficult or has something happened to disrupt it? What is she wanting you to hear? Sometimes what people anre actually trying to communicate gets lost in months and years of small unresolved tensions. Has your husband tried working it out with her or are you the only peacekeeper? Maybe an uninvolved third party who is not biased towards or against your mother , your husband or
you can help bring some clarity and relief in your family. If possible another idea might be to have an attached studio for her where she can have a friend or two visit with her.

Get her out of your house as soon as possible, whatever it takes.

She has to know she cannot "bite the hand that feeds her." The one who pays runs the show. She doesn't get a say in YOUR home....PERIOD. Especially when it is half owned by your spouse she hates!

When was the last time you checked your blood pressure? Do you want to loose your husband? Why are you tolerating it?

oh no, sorry that you are going through this. Well, based on your title and brief description, assuming you want your marriage to survive, she just cannot live with you. Besides her hate for your spouse, can we assume that her narcissism itself is also affecting your physical and mental health, aside from her treatment and thoughts about your spouse? this makes it even a greater issue. She cant afford to live on her own you mention. However, aside from cost, should she be on her own from a caregiving and safety perspective? That needs to be considered in the equation also.

Don’t lose your spouse over your mother.
You have a lot of good advice here ,
Get Mom a social worker from the County Area of Aging . Social worker can help your Mom find housing etc .

Don’t ever live with Mom again . Do not become her POA either. Let social services handle her care.

She is living in your home. Your husband doesn’t deserve to be mistreated by your mom. Nor should you have to watch her insulting your husband.

Help her by finding her another place to live.

Best wishes to you and your husband.

Check mom into an inexpensive motel for a week along with 2 bags of groceries from Wal Mart. She can stay THERE permanently or she can come back to your home for a trial run where she acts like a civilized human being to everyone or it's off to the dive motel again. HER choice.

Turn the tables. What if your spouse's raging, narcissistic, disapproving, critical mom lived with you? Would you stick around? Or would you leave?

Pointing out something here: There are lots of people looking for a mate. You'd be well advised to keep the one you have unless you don't love him anyway.

Get your mom out of your house. In no way should either of you have to live with your mom. She can afford to live on her own if she gets a roommate, government housing, a small room in a rooming house, or in her car. Her choice.

HUD has apts where you pay 30 % of your monthly income towards rent. Then you pay for electric and cable. (U can get around cable costs) She can get medicaid with help with her health insurance. My state it covers dental, prescriptions and vision. If u have these apts near you, sign up for one now. When its available, you move her in. She has no say in it.

What you and DH could try is to tell her this is your home and she is welcome to stay but SHE needs to change. You are an adult, no longer a child, and she will treat you and ur DH with respect. She is lucky you took her in because you are not obligated to do so. You will no longer tolerate her behaviour. If she doesn't think she can do this then she needs to find another place to live. (I would still look for places just in case)

If you get her out, have a little contact as possible. Don't support her by paying her rent if u can help it. If you feel any responsibility towards her, all u owe her is shelter, food and clothing. There is a Senior bus she can take to appts and shopping. Don't enable her or disable her. Know nothing you will do will please this woman. You can never make her happy. Don't take her stuff. When she starts, walk away. Don't engage. Its ok to tell her she is a miserable old woman. Its OK to treat her like a child. As long as she can get away with what she does, she will continue. What she needs to learn is she is lucky you allow her to live with you. If you weren't around, where would she be? It may not work if she is a Narcissist. Try the "gray rock method", you just ignore her.

Well, at 53, one thing is for certain. You are a grownup.
Most grownups don't stay living with their parents or have their parents move in with them when they don't have a wonderful relationship. It's poor decision making. And if that parent doesn't love the husband, it is in fact DREADFUL decision making.
I cannot fathom saying to my partner, "Darling, Mom loathes you, but she needs somewhere to live, so she's coming here".
If you know someone is a narcissist it is best to have, in fact, very limited contact with that person.

Can you tell us more about your living situation and your mom?
How old is Mom? What is her income? What is the cost of a room in your area, an efficiency apartment, a studio apartment?
Why do you feel YOU are responsible for your mother's choices of where she lives, or have to be involved?
In my own humble opinion, when mothers' finances are wanting, and they need roommates to get through, daughters are the very WORST choice in the world for a roomie relationship, especially when their husbands are disliked.
That's true even WITHOUT the diagnosis of Narcissism.

As a grownup you make your own choices. Somehow that choice has been either to move in with mom or have her move in with you despite the fact she cannot get along with your husband, who has rights to your first concern and loyalty. You will have to take responsibility for that choice, and make changes if it isn't working for you. I truly wish you the very best.

Work with social services to get your Mom into Section 8 housing or an apartment with roommates to help the cost.

In the meantime, consider BetterHelp.com which is affordable and accessible counseling services to help you find and maintain strong, healthy boundaries to help keep your sanity while your Mom is still in your home. It's your home and you don't have to tolerate that treatment.

We don't get to choose our parents, but we can choose how much or little we interact with them. I'm sorry -- there's just no easier answer to this problem. She won't stop being someone she never was and will never be, therefore the ball to create a solution is in your hands.

In the short term, look up "Grey Rock" as a technique for dealing with her.

She can be someone's roommate, section 8 housing for low income seniors, move in with anther sibling. She had to live somewhere else before, how did she afford it?

Get her out of your house before you have no marriage. Your husband and family are your priority not her.

In the mean time set your boundaries, you will not allow her to bully and harass you or your husband, if she doesn't stop she will have to leave and figure it out on her own.

Are you willing to be divorced from your spouse?

IF NOT, divorce MOM.

Barb is right they have section 8 housing and more for low income seniors.

Welcome, Marina!

Your mom shouldn't live with you. Period.

Your obligation is to your husband and your marriage. What your mother can/can't afford is of no importance in this situation. That's your mother's problem, as an adult, to solve.

You can help her look into getting on waiting lists for elderly housing for low income seniors. She can talk to the local Area Agency on Aging about housing subsidies for seniors.

There is a great website called Out of the FOG about dealing with folks like your mom.

https://outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/2015/12/6/narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd