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I think the last one, nasty just covered it up would have been my MIL. TG we did not have to find that out. She passed at 91. Her motto was "You can attract bees with honey better than vinegar" She came off as a sweet lady but when she did not get her way, she was nasty. She got her way by being passive-agressive. She did what she wanted and then was sulky when you did not appreciate it. She always wanted to buy me clothes. I don't like people buying me clothes. This upset her till my Mom told her she did not buy me clothes. Jewelry, I don't even wear it. Other than my wedding band, engagement ring and a gold chain my sister gave me. She also was a liar. Here's were the word personality disorder comes in. Seems this was a childhood problem too. She told lies about me to family. TG one of DHs Aunts was my GFs mother and knew me because she told her sisters E was lying. How did I handle it. She only lied about me when I went to her house alone. So, never went without my DH. We had a cordial relationship. I never disrespected her. I am so glad that we never took her in. I am sure she would have been manipulative. DH was always the one that did for her.
You deal by setting boundaries for yourself. She will try to cross them, you just stand your ground. Now that Dementia set in, this will be hard. They are like toddlers. They want there own way. Have temper tantrums and manipulate. Don't argue with her, just walk away. She has a tantrum, walk away. She is your husbands mother, leave her with him and get out of the house. He should be her caretaker, not you.
I know one that instructs fellow diners where to sit in a restaurant. Stays polite, the request is at first a *suggestion* where others could sit, then a nice request, then an explation to why she is so special & needs to sit where she wants due to .. whatever. Until she gets her way.
Attempts to control the environment & everyone in it to soothe her own anxiety needs.
Then there are the 'Complainers'. Always looking to find fault. Eg a cup of tea is made for them but it's too.. whatever. Too hot. Too strong. Too milky. Or the cup is wrong.
I met one of these last week. Got the vibe so brought a tray with cup, teabag, sugar, milk, spoon. Smiled sweetly as I suggested she could make it 'Just as she preferred' 😁
Sill complained! Said/barked "Where is the biscuit!!"
Those folk are either very bored or depressed imho.
It takes much practice to not let these types get under your skin. Reducing contact is the easiest way.
My husband did it. Not me.
I’m going to cut to the chase of what needs to be done , as told to me by my mother’s doctor when I was at the end of my rope.
The doctor said that my mother will never be nice to me , and that “ She needs to be taken care of by NON FAMILY . She needs to be in a facility where there is staff to take care of her because she will continue to try to boss around her daughter ( me)”.
You can never make these people happy .
Get your mother in law out of your house and into memory care .
BTW , I am a retired nurse . It is harder to take care of difficult family ( who expect you to be obedient to their demands ) than a stranger for sure . With strangers , you do your shift and can more easily not internalize stress over them , go home and let it go most days .
Aging sucks, it's painful, and you have one issue on top of another, and that seems to make an all ready selfish person more selfish.
She could very likely have some dementia going on also.
I would Google Teepa Snow, on YouTube . Even being a nurse, there may be some symptoms you have missed.
And get the book " Out of the Fog"
Fog - fear- obligation - guilt.
As for the always being nice, in the beginning of a relationship, oh that's a big, hell ya! A narcissist to people that are not close to them , always looks like the nicest guy.
Everyones experience is different, but I've been struggling with my mothers nastiness for years. She didn't believe me when I told her I had covid, accused me of making it up, so I didn't have to go over.
I was done, with it all, then a bit of a busy body friend of mine told my brother that I'm bailing, completely.
Everyones additude towards me has changed, exspecially my mom's. Makes me wonder , if she is being a fake nice, I honestly don't think so , this feels genuine. Time will tell.
So possibly a scare will change her. I'm curious what does your husband say is he on your side in all this?
There seems to be an abundance of them around. You are not alone.
The answer is YES. Many of us!
I think the biggest reason for caregivers burnout is because of a narcissist parent.
Burn out, end of your rope, nervous breakdown, I call it my cheese fell off my cracker. When I came on board, What ever you call it is why many are here.
So do you have other questions. The age of your mil? Her health issues?
Does she live with you?
We really need more info if you have other questions.