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When her younger sister entered care, I went every day or every couple days.
Younger sister was more independent (at 90) than my mother was, and visiting was also constrained by the pandemic.
I go once a week.
I cannot handle more than that.
She is happy to see me, but she ends up becoming so anxious and upset, that we both end up wanting the visit to end.
I have stood back and observed her happily enjoying a meals. She says that they don’t feed her.
Yesterday, I came in, unplanned. From the other side of the room. I made a video of her participating in chair exercises. Even standing up and dancing, to the cheers of the aides. She swears that the caregivers NEVER do anything with her. That she HATES the exercises. 🤦🏻♀️
She does better there without me. I think I remind her of what she has lost.
This is my step-mother, she no longer recognizes me and sometime forgets my brothers name she calls him "What's His Name".
There is no point, we cannot hold a conversation with her, she just stares at us. She is acclimated to her surroundings, we just go there to see if everything is ok with her.
We live about 12 miles away.
Honestly, even when she was lucid, I had to carry the conversation and actually had nothing in common with her. I can't imagine what one would have to talk about with each other every day, day in and day out.
Why on earth would you put yourself on a guilt trip like this for nothing? And why do you need an "excuse" to take time for yourself??? Mom's not a homeless person living on the street...shes cared for 24/7 at huge costs!
As cxmoody witnessed, it’s as if they have to be negative for us.
My mother told me the meals at the home are awful. She just told my cousins how much she likes the food they serve.
We sometimes bring out their worst, their negativity and their need to complain. It’s not good for either of us.
Go on days when you feel like going.
On days when you don't feel like going...don't.
If you want to be practical about it think of it this way:
When you go and feel good about the visit you put out "good vibes" and are at your most cheerful. That makes it more pleasant for you, staff, mom and even other residents. On the other hand if you do not feel good about going you are not going to have that same cheerfulness and it can be not as pleasant for your mom.
If you want to check in on her but do not want to visit with her stop by with some Cookies from a local store (thinking a tray from Sam's or Costco) and drop them off for the staff and just take a peek at mom and see how she is "playing well with others".
You can "visit" but not visit.
Do not 'guilt" yourself into thinking you have to visit daily. If mom were well and living a block a way would you visit with her every day? probably not. So why now?
You can always call the staff to check on her.
How often did you see her before she was placed? Did you visit with her daily then? Even if you did, you don’t have to follow the same routine. She is being looked after around the clock by a complete staff.
I would go see my godmother in her nursing home. She had Alzheimer’s disease and she didn’t know who I was. It made me terribly sad to see her like that.
I don’t think my visits brought her any joy. She also went blind due to her macular degeneration. She didn’t recognize my voice. I decided to call the staff to check on her from time to time.
I saw a lot of lonely people in her nursing home. Many of them had no visitors ever. Sometimes, I would spend a few minutes chatting with them before I left. It is sad when people are totally forgotten about.
You are very happy visiting and it is no problem to you.
Your Mom is thrilled with your visits.
As long as this is working for both of you I wouldn't see why it should change.