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Call your local Area Aging on Aging and arrange for a needs assessment and help with figuring out her how to pay for her care. Remember, HER resources are what pay for HER care.
My resources especially time are there for his benefit...
My kids were suffering, hot dinners weren’t ready when my hubs came home from work & Mom still needed more help.
My husband NEVER complained, but one day I realized I was essentially being home for my mom INSTEAD of my husband & kids. I backed off a lot, only doing Dr. appointments (numerous) & shopping for her once a week. She couldn’t believe that “I wouldn’t come help her” and “how could I do her like that”.
I've been through this. Got a daughter 6 years old, teenager with Aspergers and wife who has long term illness.
Dad pushed it and pushed it to get what he wanted. In the end, he spouted out "yes but everyone needs to understand I need you're help and you've got to put me first".
At this point I realised he did not give a monkeys about me, my kids or my marriage. Even when I tried to explain to him his answer was "You need to tell them how its going to be. Have a word with that wife of yours and tell her hard luck this is how it is". (I didn't do that - I now know why hes been divorced twice and I've been married 23 years).
I would have ended up divorced if I'd carried on to be honest. Wife can't stand him these days (and shes got a very good point) but its all his own doing I'm afraid.
Oh, PS - in terms of money I have the opposite situation - I have to manage finances yet money is being spent like crazy. When I ask about, say, a big purchase, I'm met with animosity for "being bossy with MY money." I can come home to carpenters giving estimates on home remodeling - I'm not kidding. I can't tell you how stressful it is to sit down to pay the monthly bills and fear what you're going to find...I get a big stomach ache every time.
Yep I've had the "responsibilities" talk MANY times. In one ear and out the other. Hes even said "well you need to put me first". What do I say to that? lol.
Yes Im the opposite. Hes got about £35-£40K in the bank. Hes NEVER going to spend it EVER. But he won't even spend a few pounds to make like easier for himself.
He moaned about not being able to carry battery for his mobility scooter upstairs (it is heavy) so I said I'd get electrician in to fit outside plug. He almost had a heart attack at the thought - anyone would have thought I'd suggested getting a team of naked strippers to paint the inside of his house with gold leaf paint.
If finances allow, use the patient's money to pay for things they need - in home care, household chores, etc. When you jump in with both feet, it will be much harder to give the tasks you do to someone else because patient has already seen you do them, assumes you had/have time to do them, and (most) are saving their money for 'old age' and want to hang on to it.
If you cannot make a decision to put mom in a facility, you probably already know how the marriage is going to go if you continue in caregiver role. It's a decision you may have to make. If your marriage is strong and won't allow for time caretaking, the other decision is facility. Hard spot to be in, but your decision to make. If you happen to be in a bad marriage anyway, this could be your out.
save for their old age!! My husbands grandmother used to tell us what the 'little old ladies' were talking about. The gossip! He and I laughed b/c we were in our late 20's and Grandma was the same age or older than the "Old Ladies". She just did not feel old, which I guess is good, to a point!! 40 years later, I know how easy it is to deny we are aging. some days. Other days not so hard!! You all have a great summer!
My DH insisted that I tend to my father's needs. I was blessed.
Out of interest would you have left your husband anyway or did you just do this for your mother? How did husband take this?
I'm glad the power of prayer worked for you. Unfortunately, not all of us are that was inclined.
Dad is still able to drive, though not at night. He is very intent on his religion, but if it helps him and keeps him happy, I'm happy. He's just grateful that we come to visit and doesn't demand our attention constantly, but we are more than happy to help. My sister lives too far away to help. and my brother does sweet F A.
My wife is good. Shes put up with loads with my Dad. Not sure if I'd be so calm if it was her mother to be honest. She has now lost patience though and I can't blame her.
Dad does not give a monkeys about me or my family. Its all about him. Hes awful if I'm honest. If I let him, I'd be divorced by now....
Some days I wish I lived in another country so he couldn't call me and demand I do his shopping. Alas, I live 30-40 mins drive away - close enough that he can expect to click his fingers, far enough that its a chunk of the day to visit.