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There is a fine line between anger and abuse. Verbal abuse can lead to physical abuse.
The care topic “violet behavior” beneath your question has great advice. Click on it and it will take you to an article and comments from others.
If you mean verbal aggression, I have to overrule what has been my normal response of interaction and reaction (which only escalates things), and I've learned to just walk away. Not a word, I just turn around and walk away. I don't engage.
Example: Yesterday dh was having trouble with his belt, so he was frustrated. He is very picky about matching his clothes so I offhandedly mentioned that his shirt did not work his shorts as I was fixing his belt. He blew up -- and I turned around and walked out of the room. A few minutes later, I found him crying in the living room and he said he is so afraid of becoming an invalid and not even being able to dress himself any more and that's why he tries so hard to get dressed by himself every day. Needing my help was hard enough to ask for, and then I added what he perceived as correction regarding his clothing choices, and it put him over the edge. Walking away gave both of us a chance to get our minds in a better place.
Wishing you well.
making jokes, validating and redirecting only work on minor situations and for a caregiver who is not looking for advice on how to cope with it.
From my personal bank of experiences with my father, I had to laugh at the thought of validating and redirecting when he had me by a handful of hair calling me stupid b*tch for trying to stop him pouring his milkshake on the carpet.
If the aggression is mild physically or verbally then laughing it off, redirecting may work but try to steel yourself into expecting things just to be this way. Take moments away, walk around the block if you can etc. If the aggression, is hitting ,punching, hair pulling, demeaning language etc then you are being abused.. it doesn't matter who it comes from. you matter. I was constantly told it wasn't him, he couldn't help it etc, ..but that does not make the abuse any less.
Then it is time for Medication, outside help so you can at least get a break, a facility etc but do not suffer at the hands of someone else if there can be an alternative found.
Best of luck.
I was taught that validation is the first step and then redirect.
So if you go in with a smile on your face and a positive attitude, the odds are that your loved one will remain calm and in good spirits.
And like you, if they start to get angry, just staying calm and positive can help diffuse the situation.
My solution was to never engage, just say good bye and walk away. Your LO might not remember the incident tomorrow but you will and it will only create ressentiment.
Best wishes
Oddest thing ever and yet, makes perfect sense…
My husband is in later stages (10 years in w 4 years of MCI prior) dementia. Recently, I noticed a paradoxical aggressive- anxious behavior very soon (20 minutes or so) after taking a controlled medication that he successfully was on for a year and half.
Took him to the psychiatrist, who specializes in dementia who then took him off of almost everything and prescribed mandatory power naps of not more than half hour. Definitely one in the afternoon at near 2 pm and possibly one before lunch. Just like a toddler who needs naps and gets cranky and miserable and then too tired/awake to sleep.
I said, “Yes!!!! That’s it. Nothing is right. Everything is wrong and then he lashes out!!! And because he is six foot two and I cannot put him in a play yard or crib…”.
Seems that as we age and especially with dementia, we do not easily make dopamine. Power naps help restore. The psychiatrist promised that my husband would wake up cheerful and be happier for the next few hours refreshed and no pharmaceutical side effects.
Two weeks into this new program and I have a happier husband, and for me… I’ve gained an hour of self time every day!!!
I hope that my experience helps.
PS agree that when we smile, be kind, walk away, inverse mirror, refuse to engage… we diffuse or de-escalate adverse and dangerous consequences. It’s difficult sometimes bc we are so exhausted and worn thin.
A loved one care giver I met once asked me why I smile all of the time and smile bigger when I’m upset. I told her that I believe that smiling in the face of adversity gives “up” wrinkles. And up wrinkles are far more flattering on my face than permanent “down” wrinkles. It’s all about me.
Laughter and smiles. I saw Janice a few weeks ago and she was smiling. “Janice, look at you with that big smile!! Oh, yes. “It’s all about ME!!! I now am able to complain and smile at the same time. He’s not giving ME bad wrinkles!”
Btw, I do like your positive attitude.
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