How do I go about getting my moderate dementia husband to go through his library of books?

If you can’t determine what’s important or what is not, it feels risky to get rid of anything. In addition, when you can’t even control your own mind, controlling possessions becomes more emotional. Spoken as someone who has been down the road with older friends and relatives and now on that slide myself. Unless there is a safety reason it needs to be done, it is much easier and faster to sort, donate or discard afterward than upsetting someone who is experiencing so many losses.

I will never give up my books! They go LAST. To some of us a life full of good reading is not to be meddled with.

I am curious just why you feel these books need to be addressed? Can you tell me more?

You will have to do this for him. If there are some books that are in good condition you may be able to donate them to your local senior center or hospital. However, since the COVID pandemic, many public places will no longer take donations of books. My mother had many brand new hard cover books when she died and I was able to donate them to the facility where she lived. Other than that, they’ll probably have to be thrown out.

I work in a library and we get this question a great deal and some caregivers want us to "send someone" to go through books with their loved ones. We don't do this as it's too stressful for the person doing it. If your long term plan is to donate these books then you need to be aware that most libraries do not accept large donations of older books because more often than not, they are junk. Some independent book stores will take donations and pay you for them. My suggestion is this. Don't get your husband to do this. Start with a small number of books and take them to the trash with the regular garbage. He more than likely not miss them if you do it in small batches. Also be aware that it's common for books to have money stashed in them. We accepted a donation one time and in review of the books we found 500.00 in cash.

Laugh

After that, see if you could donate them to your local library. Even if they aren't added to their circulation, they could be used for their book sales.

Leave him alone he doesnt need the stress .

Rjfdoughboy: Due to dementia, your DH (Dear Husband) may have lost the ability to peruse the book library.

It's very possible he is losing his ability to read and/or retain information he reads. So losing interest in reading anymore.
Ask him about a few and see how he does with them. Does he thumb through and set aside? Does he actually read any parts of them? Does he comment, like I really liked that book or author? If you can't get a reaction, there's just no interest or has lost ability.

The first thing that comes to my mind is, why is it so important to you to make him do this?
I was looking for more information, so I read your profile bio.
I feel I share some similar life experiences with you. My husband and I married when we were both 48 yrs old. He had a triple bypass heart surgery just months after we got married. He then suffered a massive stroke just 5 years into our marriage, leaving him with vascular dementia (due to brain damage caused by the stroke), unable to walk, unable to talk, unable to safely chew and swallow solid foods, and incontinent, in diapers.

It has been 9 years now. I quit my office job 8 years ago, when he was kicked out of the nursing home due to his unmanageable behavior and aggressive refusal of personal cares.

I share this story with you because it has been a devastating and unexpected life experience. It's been a long hard road caring for him at home, and wishing, praying that he would improve. I have reached a point of acceptance. This has now become our "normal" life.

Having a loved one with dementia puts us in an uncomfortable position of mourning the loss of the person we formerly knew, but unable to really grieve, because they are still living with us.

My advice is, don't worry about the books. Learn to focus on the important things which you (and he) do still have control of. You will find yourself accepting that "this is the best we can do, and it is good enough".
It's hard for some of us who like to have control over things to learn to let go, but eventually leads to less anxiety as we re-prioritize what is important and what we can let go of, and enjoy the good moments!

I don’t have dementia but I have a large library of books. Most are technical books I used during my profession. There is an attachment of knowledge which makes them hard to give up. I need to start selling them as they are worth a lot of $$

Decluttering gets done before dementia or after death or a move to an institution. Once dementia hits the person will not be the one doing that job. My sympathies, my husband's huge hoard of car parts and airplane parts occupy a lot of space in basement, garage, and barn. I decided to declutter my own stuff for now.

I totally get it. I have a sister, but she lives in a different state than I do, and her mom and dad (we shared the same dad, but her mom was my stepmom).

Both my dad and his wife were serious hoarders, and both had dementia-- unknown to us, as they both were good at showtiming....

When my stepmom died, my dad told me to get rid of all of her stuff. I knew he loved and missed her, so I still consulted with him and kept a couple of things. That cleared much of the stuff in their house. Prior to that, I could not even go in their bedroom, as there was so much stuff mounded in there that you literally could not step across the threshhold.

With him, the hoarding was in the house, in the running and none running cars (5 of them), cargo trailers (2 of them), sheds (6 of them), and outside in the yard. As they lived on the coast, much of what was not in the house was moldy, rotted, or rusting. As he took naps, I removed some items, and when he was in the hospital for a week or so, I cleaned up the yard a bit (rotted wood, completely rusted through items (like you could bend the metal in half...), but had to wait until he was in memory care to start cleaning the rest. My sister came up for a week and we cleaned a bunch, but had no help from neighbors, and the community didn't allow any garage or yard sales.

I couldn't clean again in earnest until he passed...it took countless trips to his place (3 1/2 hours from where I lived), then I took another week off to clean everything out, do some small repairs and painting so I could sell the place.

During the course of around 10 months, I had made 13 trips with a open trailer to the local dump, countless trips to Goodwill and Value Village to get rid of usable items, and several truck fulls of stuff to my and my husband's place so we could have a garage sale, as I hated to just get rid of things that had value. I also had to sell over 20 rifles, & guns and coins. The last I did when he was still alive, so the sales could help pay for his care.

Aside from the above, they were snowbirds, having properties both in Washington and Arizona. My sister drove over to Arizona with her daughter, and cleaned out their stuff there. Not an easy task, but in her case with no one in resident, and several of my dad & stepmom's friends assistance, it was done in a week. (numerous dump runs, community garage sales, much cleaning, etc).

We both had a lot to do, but my task was more time consuming, as I needed to go slower and work around my dad. Still, my sister definitely pitched in...I have no idea how I could have made it through everything if she had not.

After he passed, there was dealing with the bank, stopping his pension, doing the cremation but holding off for the internment until the following year on his birthday, where we were able to get a military farewell for him and my stepmother.

A couple of years later, I'm still getting mail for both of them, but it's just a trickle. There was a time when we got more mail, by far, for my dad than for me and my husband.

It's definitely a process...and one that unfortunately you just have to tackle bit by bit. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. LOL

I'm now starting the process with my mom, who's 86, and also a hoarder. In her case, I think she has more Alzheimers than dementia, but time will tell. Same slow process of trying to get rid of a house full of items she can no longer use, and I still live a couple of hours away from her. In her case she is helping now in sorting through things as she can (including TONS of books), but it's still not going to be easy....or fast.

Not mentioned in your post, but with my dad I had to worry literally until he went into the adult family hom about his driving, as there was no stopping him...he would have just bought another car had I disabled it. With my mom (present day), SHE decided she didn't need to drive anymore, and we're selling her car now. Whew.

Best wishes.

Please, unless the books prevent a health hazard, let him keep his books. He may never touch them again, but for a lifelong reader those books are part of his identity. Being amidst his library can provide the kind of comfort that plants give to a gardener or colors to an artist.

OK, that was my gut reaction, and not very helpful as I think you want to reduce the volume. As several others have said, going through his entire library can be cognitively and emotionally overwhelming for him. But maybe picking up a favorite might trigger a reminiscence or conversion on a good day.

Unless he regularly organized and curated his library, I suspect he won’t notice a box of books occasionally whisked away — unless he catches you at it. The individual titles probably aren’t as important to him as you fear. Start by removing a few books from each shelf, later you can consolidate by moving the remainders to shelves in visual range, with bottom shelves empty. You could start with the most recent (which your local library might appreciate), with old yellowing paperbacks for recycling, or just pull them randomly.

I am so sorry.

I won’t touch my mom’s books. She will still pull one out to “read”. She’s in stage 6 now and currently reading Life in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Staring at the same page for awhile. I think you need to actually have dementia to get through that book.

When you say library, do you mean a room full of books or a couple of big bookcases?

Is it that he doesn't want to let go of any, or are you trying to decide which ones he would want to keep if he needs to move to a care facility?

The biggest question is, is your husband still capable of reading, and of enjoying the activity?

Eventually, your husband won't be able to read a book, and they will just be there as reminders of the man he once was and perhaps a comfort because of their familiarity.

Right now, it's unlikely that your husband has the ability to make decisions. And I don't mean just because he won't be able to differentiate, but also because any decisions become more difficult when we have a cognitive impairment. Think about how hard it is to make a decision when we're under stress or when overwhelmed. It gets like that all the time for a person with dementia. Simple choices between just two things become the most they can deal with.

So, I'm not sure whether it's a good thing to get him to go through his library, unless you know that he'll like reminiscing about his favourite authors or remembering past academic endeavours. (Even then, it might be impossible for him to let go.)

If that isn't the case, and you have to downsize because of moving or overcrowding, then make sure that you put aside his favourite books onto a small bookcase. Do this early and put the selection somewhere prominent, so that this becomes a focal point, rather than the huge number that will never be looked at again - at least, not by him.

Let him know, quite soon to the event, that you need to sell or give away the books because there won't be space. If your husband is only moderately impaired, you won't be able to keep this from him and you don't want to make him feel that his thoughts and feelings aren't being taken into account.
Show him that his favourite books are staying because they're special. Perhaps go through them with him and talk about them.

I'm an English teacher and have always been a bookworm. My books have been my loyal companions through all of life's difficulties. They have kept me sane, or near enough. I know that I would be devastated if they simply disappeared. So, I'd advise treading gently, but still do what needs to be done.

All the best.

WHY?

Umm as dementia affects how the brain handles stuff I don’t think it would be a great idea to overload
maybe leave one or two
books out and see if he reacts to them
without pressure
it’s hard
try to take things slowly and if they’re rejected put away for a while
it may be disturbing if you got rid and then your father had a clear moment and went looking fur his stuff
Good luck n best wishes

You don't. That is an incredibly cruel thing to do.

I had to go through 20 years of tax stuff and statements individually. In one pile I found an old but active stock certificate. Then there was the shredding.
See if there is a way to get rid of small sections to see if he notices. If not, then proceed

Why would you expect someone with Dementia to be able to go through anything?

People with Dementia are unable to remember anything. They cannot organize, as this would be confusing to them.

You will have to be the one to go through his library of books, and ALL of his personal belongings.

Start now, because it is a huge job that will be harder after he dies.

I have a feeling you will be dealing with this after he is admitted to memory care or passes. They can't remember or focus enough to take on a task like that. He will say he wants them all.

My response and BlueEyedGirl's response show up the wide range of behaviors OP might be dealing with – me:someone who has a fair few books that will eventually need to be dealt with, and BEG:someone who has lost all commonsense. Where along the spectrum is your situation, OP?

My FIL had a room that was "just his". It was a bonus room that he had claimed as his bedroom, but because it was so big, he also had room for a couch and chair, and what we called the "command center" - which was his computer desk, his printer desk and his magnifier desk - so he basically sat in the middle like he was flying a starship LOL.

On either side of this room were attic spaces with little doors, that ran the entire length of the room. In addition, he had a shelf where he stored all of his toiletries, medications etc.

We KNEW he didn't throw anything away. But he wouldn't let anyone look at anything or try to clean it up - so we didn't really understand how bad it was.

When he passed away we learned what it was he really liked to collect lol. Paper. Receipts, bills, newspapers, old letters, If it was paper -he still had it. To the point that some of the receipts were just white paper with a shadow.

In the end - we had to throw away 6 of the 95-gallon contractors bags full of just paper trash. We kept ONE very small banker box of papers that we thought we might need for the estate or that were just sentimental or flat out belonged to DH and SIL (their ORIGINAL raised seal birth certificates were in there for example). And that was maybe 1/2 full.

And we had to pay to have around 200 gallons of paper shredded.

And that was just in the areas he could reach - he was barely mobile and would have to roll over to one of those attics in his chair and just throw whatever into the door. But EVERY SINGLE PAPER in there was important if we talked about cleaning it out and trying to organize the actual important things.

My 98 year old grandmother - hoards all kinds of things - neatly. knickknacks, dish/china sets, old food containers to use as tupperware, and CLOTHES - dear lord the clothes. There are 8 closets in her house. When my grandfather was still alive - he had PART of one. She had 7 1/2. Now she has 8. My mom has tried to pry some of them away, but she swears she might wear them. FINALLY she relented and told mom that she could take clothes from the upstairs closets because she couldn't get up there anymore without a lot of work, and it was ok as long as she didn't SEE mom get rid of them.

I think often as we age - we get attached to THINGS that belong to us. For both my FIL and my grandmother - a lot of their attachment was that they didn't have much growing up and those are THEIR things.

I think you have to figure out what works. For my FIL, we would periodically slip things out and he would never notice. But we had to be careful about WHAT we snuck out. It took time to figure out what he wouldn't miss. With my grandmother, it was important to mom to have her permission. Once she cajoled that out of her, mom just waited until my grandmother wasn't in view and started getting stuff out. (cleaning out her house is going to take a long time - she's got three full size attics, plus all of the storage in the house. Mom and I already both have a set of inherited china, and I know my grandmother has 5 more sets in her house. My girls will probably take them but won't use them - just like I have.)

I HATE clutter. Knickknacks, just stuff. I'm pretty minimalist, so I have to be careful about trying to get others to meet me where I am.

I’d try him on some books with pictures first, probably only two at a time. Say "It's a long time since you've had a chance to look at these" - NOT "I want to chuck them out". See if he looks at them. Set aside those he isn’t interested in at all.

If he seems to value those with pictures, try him on less ‘visual’ books. Talk to him about them, see if he is interested. Set aside those that don’t ring any bells.

Keep a small bookcase to fill with books, so that you don’t appear to have ‘got rid of them all’. Unless you are under time pressure, take it slowly. It's a big job if you do it all at once. Little by little, it might even start a few conversations he could enjoy.

When my dad was in moderate dementia, there was no way for him to sort through anything. If asked, he would either dump the contents of a box on the floor and then push it with his foot into a closet, or he would rummage through a bit and then say “I need it all” or “just put it back where you found it” or whatever, to items he hadn’t looked out or used in 15 years or more. At the same time, he would sometimes throw away vitally important mail, I suspect because he couldn’t really read or understand it at all anymore.

He carried certain items around with him pretty much to the end of his life including one or two books, and would spend a lot of time hunting for certain DVDs which he had misplaced or lost. My mom kept ordering new copies. He also felt strongly about getting two daily newspapers but they would just pile up unread.

Maybe you could try boxing some up and moving them to a place in the house he never goes? Then if he doesn’t notice they are gone, just donate them? Or do you think it might work to say “so and so really wants to read XYZ. Can we lend your books on this to him?” Or maybe “the church needs books for the rummage sale” or any kind of charity that he favors.

I’m not sure why you are asking. Are you trying to downsize? Or just don’t want to have to do it yourself after he is gone?

If you want to learn more about dementia, there is some really good books out there.

One is the 36 hour day.

And I would Google Teepa Snow. She is really good on YouTube and also has some good books.

Best of luck, sorry about your husband's and this horrible deasses

The simple answer to your question is...you don't.
You and your children will have to go through them at some point, but your husband with his broken brain will be of no help to you with that task. It will only overwhelm him and more than likely agitate him as well.
If you think your husband may have some books that may be worth some money, you can call in an auction company to advise you.

Hello, How many does he have? take them all back yourself and buy the books he likes instead or switch to getting books from a secondhand book store. Just throwing ideas out there. If it were me I would not have the headache using libraries, if the person cannot remember. I would source the books in another way.

Reading some other replies and some more experienced replies than mine. It's really great that folks on this forum can provide this information.

Rjfdoughboy, welcome to the forum. When you mentioned books, that reminded me of my father. When it was time for him to move from his single family home into an apartment at senior living, I asked him to look over this books to see what he really wanted, what to donate, and what to toss away.


Well, the standing joke was Dad looked at his books, out of the 200 books, he decided to keep 199 :)


Turned out his books were his "security blanket". Therefore, when at the senior living facility, he felt so comfortable being surrounded by all his bookcases and books. Even when it was for time to move into Memory Care and a much smaller room, I made sure all those books were in his new room.

You sometimes can't get a dementia patient to shower. I doubt if there is anyway to get him to go through his library.